Not sure if I can make it

[wisconsin]

Sorry it happened to be long...I would really use some help now because I am holding up by a last straw.
For some of you who don't remember my situation. We started swinging about 3 years ago, I wasn't very happy with experiences. It wasn't always bad but just not the way I wanted. We met a man I liked and I started seeing him on a regular basis for last 2 years.

Let tell about his personality a little. He has a lot of psychological issues as probably like most of us but some of them was very hard to deal with. He has a temper and likes things his way and if something doesn't go his way he gets pissed. He always wants to call his shots, he always shows he is in control of our meetings. I would never respond I don't want see him when he invites me because I know it's maybe the last one if I say "not this time".
He is one of those men who doesn't give a s... about women much although he said he has feelings for me when I asked. He cooks romantic dinners when I am over at his place and occasionally says he misses me. I always try to filter what I say to him so I won't hurt his feelings or at least I try.

When we go out I pay half or occasionally pick up a tab. I always bring take outs on weekdays and something on weekends.Always expensive gifts on B-days or major holidays for about $500.
The major and most important part he is an amazing lover . I can cum from just sucking his cock alone never mind other stuff. His kisses make my knees shake, his touch blows my mind. I think it has something to do with our chemistry plus his skills are quite good. I always cum after 4-5th thrust when he enters me and I do cum hard. I usually feel I almost lose consciousness from orgasms when they come in those waves one after another when we fuck and my mind wonders in a totally different dimension...I know it sounds weird I never had it before in my life.
We usually fuck for about 3-hours at least. Just forplay may take an hour and nobody gets bored neither him nor me.
I am in my late 30, I have a sexy very taken care of body, I dress up sexy and usually adventurous in bed I make sure to work hard in bed so if I decided to spend time with somebody they will get best of me, and I have a a decent job . It's not a like I am looser or a needy girl craving for attention.
So, this time I offered him to go on paid off vacation with us(hubby and me) to Caliente in Florida. They play on occasion together as well when they have that itch for cock. So there were shouln't have been any awkward moments between them. I know I was pushing, I have that tendency to push buttons.I guess it comes from my pretty girl experience where I get what I want in pretty all aspects of my life if really decide on something. Hubby spoils me.
I know I should be careful with him, he looked interested, asked questions, we really were discussing that trip,I said everything will be paid by us tickets, hotel, food, drinks, car rental, however when I ask him if we should reserve tickets he said "No". I was maybe a little pushy.I wasn't happy with his answer so I didn't respond to that text which was pretty much end of conversion there was no question to answer.
Week past by and I asked him about playdate. He said "BUSY TONIGHT" he doesn't do it that often, he hasn't refused seeing me lately so I felt something was off but couldn't realize what. I texted a worried massage and he called back said that too much was going on in his job, life and overall too much stress.
Ok, I was waiting for him to offer to meet, NOTHING.
In couple of days before our usual weekend get together he was silent. No msg, no call, nothing. Ok, I was worried sick. Something is wrong, I have no idea what is going on so I text him and ask for playdate. Nothing
Never happened before unless he is mad, I get paranoid, have no idea what is going on so I wait until late night,have couple of drinks,I never called him drunk before, call him and ask to call me or maybe demand to call me or at least maybe it sounded like a demand in his perception.
In couple hours I get a very nasty msg with lots of swears that apparently he wasn't happy with me pushing for vacation and wanted to give me time out, but apparently I scrued it up too by demanding to call me back.
I was terrified with amount of swears and rage in his msg. I didn't know he was pissed about vacation and couldn't figure out why he is so mad when I just ask him to call me back. I send him back something not very nice, there was no swears but I was pissed I let him know that. I said he needs to be careful what he is saying to me because I am one of the best things in his life. OK, it was over the top, I know. I was upset so he went ballistic.
So, now he is even more mad at me and doesn't want see me.I am devastated and have no idea what to do. I asked several times to meet like grown ups and talk but he doesn't even respond.
The reason why I tell you all about it because we all our lives, make mistakes, and we need to fix it. Sometimes when you look at situation under different angle you can see different point of views. I need you input.

Don't know if he even will want see me again and I can't live without him.
I know it sounds silly, but really I am very dependent on out meetings and on seeing him. It's very hard to make me that happy in bed and it was always perfect. I really don't believe I can find anybody with that level of chemistry.

What do I do?

[rainbowskye]

I am simply an outsider looking in. It is really hard to say without hearing his side of this.

I've been in situations where we had a gf and she lived with us. To us, it was FWB and she became emotionally attached. Problems started to arise.

This makes me think of our situation.

It seems like perhaps there is more than a sexual connection to him for you, and for him it very well could be just a sexual connection. The vacation offer may have made it hit home for him.

Some people have an easy time not getting emotions and sex mixed together while over time for others it can mix. 2 years is a long time.

What does the hubby say about what has transpired?

My suggestion would be to let him cool down, and process things. Perhaps have hubby speak to him and see if it can be salvaged.

As a female committed to my partner, he is the one I can't live without, not my playmates.

If that is how you are feeling, perhaps a vacation with just you and the husband would be what you need, more than a playmate to join you.

[wisconsin]

Thanks for quick response. Let me clarify. There is obviously more than just sex, everybody in our triad knows that. We don't talk about it but we all know.From just a playmate he turned to a lover or at least I think when man says he has a feelings for a woman I hope he means romantic ones. There is no way somebody can meet for 2 years and just be friends, is it? Hubby is a good man, he loves me, he knows I need him(BF). He just wants me to be happy.

[lustylearning]

"and I can't live without him"

Yes, you can, and until you realize that, you will not be able to look at the situation clearly or react appropriately.

[MN Tom]

Hmm..

Well, Im guessing that even though he has obvious flaws (to which you are pointing out), flaws that are probably bad enough that he's not marriage material, you still love him. I would say you are stuck in the infatuation stage actually, so you are sort of blinded by it.

He probably gives you something (sex and emotions) that you crave, and the need he is filling isnt being filled by your husband. Which isn't to say it's bad, nobody completely fills every single need for another person.

The bad part about this is your desire for him irregardless of his extremely poor sounding behavior. And also that it doesn't really sound like he's as attached to you as you are to him. To him, you are probably a great playmate. And the issue of you taking control (by offering and paying for the trip) bothers him greatly, because he doesn't see you as an equal.

I dont see this as being healthy. And it's up to you and hubby as to how to proceed.

[wisconsin]

TO LUSTYLEARNINGS>
Yes, you right. Don't forget though it's been going on for last 2 years. I was looking forward to those dates in the end of stressful day at work or on weekends. I feel like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away. I am always a being very passionate about things I like, I put lots of effort in it. I need to cool down and have no idea how, our meetings pretty much taken over my life. It's a dependency and serious one, like an addiction. I am addicted to him to his hands, smile,kiss and everything else. My body produces a certain response to him and now it feels like I am dying. Sorry for drama...

[wisconsin]

TO MNTOM
I know it's not healthy and I understand everything, however when a man says to a woman he does have feelings for her I hope it means something not just lust feelings. If he wasn't he would have just said he doesn't,right?I believe we just have a different personalities where he is more of a rational person and I am more of a emotional one. Sometimes I do wonder if I love him more then he loves me though.
Why he doesn't see me equal? BTW he is very cheap to extreme.

[rainbowskye]

TO LUSTYLEARNINGS>
Yes, you right. Don't forget though it's been going on for last 2 years. I was looking forward to those dates in the end of stressful day at work or on weekends. I feel like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away. I am always a being very passionate about things I like, I put lots of effort in it. I need to cool down and have no idea how, our meetings pretty much taken over my life. It's a dependency and serious one, like an addiction. I am addicted to him to his hands, smile,kiss and everything else. My body produces a certain response to him and now it feels like I am dying. Sorry for drama...

It isn't necessarily drama. We all get involved on different levels. It is too each his own. However, I agree with Tom, this is unhealthy.

Losing a playmate should not having you feeling this way.

We each have our own situations, but it seems like this energy in him could be better spent at home towards the man who spoils you, loves and adores you. The one who is reciprocating the feelings you are projecting, not toward the one who has somewhat a negative nature.

His negative nature could be a defense mechanism to draw the line between emotions and sex or he could very well just be an ass.

[rainbowskye]

TO MNTOM
I know it's not healthy and I understand everything, however when a man says to a woman he does have feelings for her I hope it means something not just lust feelings. If he wasn't he would have just said he does't,right?I believe we just have a different personalities where he is more of a rational person and I am more of a emotional one. Sometimes I do wonder if I love him more then he loves me though.

It depends on if he was telling you what he felt, or what he felt you needed to hear to keep the play dates going. Only he can answer that.

[slevin]

He sounds manipulative and abusive. You need to cut him out of your life and move on.

[Gordo]

He sounds manipulative and abusive. You need to cut him out of your life and move on.

Agreed

You're dealing with a child and his tantrums. In this case I'd give him a permanent time out.

[Alura]

Love is a state of mind which can be changed at will, either by the lover or the lovee. It seems yours has.

Frankly, I don't think it's much of a loss. Concentrate on your husband and be grateful to him for what you have. It will get cold in Wisconsin this winter and your ex-boyfriend will be no help at all.

Alura

[shrevecouple]

This is why I lean towards the "arms length" way of thinking when it comes to swinging. IMO...these types of feelings should be reserved for your spouse or SO. While the addition of this person may be fun it shouldn't be emotionally taxing.

I am in the boat with some of the others. Walking away from this may be a smart decision because strong feelings like this (for someone else) can be damaging to your marriage.

[two4youinswva]

So, this is the same guy you had issues with in this thread and earlier had broken it off for two months in this thread?

If so, you haven't been blindsided. You've known the gentleman long enough to understand what you're dealing with. You two may connect while you're fucking, but the rest of this relationship sounds toxic.

I don't know if the guy is an ass or not. I do know it sounds like the only thing you two have in common is the ability to have good sex with each other.

[funcoupledayton]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I hope you will take others' advice and be close with your husband.