How do I handle this? (Telling a friend there is no chemistry)

[ClosetSwinger]

I'll give a quick background here.

My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years. We are very happily married and have been swinging for a little over two years.

We are very comfortable with most aspects of the lifestyle. My husband and I have very few rules. Condoms always (unless otherwise discussed rare btw), have fun, always be honest with each other. We play seperately, same room seperate room...it's all okay with us.

On to my problem. There is a couple we have become friends with over time that is in the lifestyle. I (the wife) am not interested in the husband sexually. I do enjoy hanging out with and partying with this couple but I am not sexually attracted to them. Hubby has played alone with the wife and this is perfectly fine with myself and with her hubby. My hubby and his wife really have hit if off, they text/flirt etc and get along quite well. This couple has played with people that we play with and we all are sort of in the same "crowd" (that sounded so high school, forgive me for not having a better way to say it).

The problem now is that since my hubby has played with his wife, he's becoming more and more adamant about setting something up with me. I like him as a friend but have no idea how to say "Flirting etc is fine but I don't want to have sex with you." I DO NOT want to hurt this man's feelings as we ARE friends and I want to keep it that way.

How do I go about telling him I am not sexually attracted without hurting his feelings? I don't want him to be confused so I find myself avoiding the subject and that's not right either.

Guys, HELP ME HERE. How do I tell this guy I'm not interested? I really want to be friends so I fear in telling him this that will blow up.

[Coupleerotic22]

Tell him pretty much what you have told us.

You like them, they are great to hang out with and you are happy that his wife and your husband have such great chemistry. But that 4 way chemistry is just difficult to find. And that you don't have that level of chemistry between the two of you. It is nothing specific, you can't put your finger on it, it is just not there. And that you hope that it does not ruin things between his wife and the your husband as they are lucky enough to have that chemistry.

Now, all that I have said with the assumption that you and your husband BOTH have been honest with the other couple, i.e. that neither of you have lead them to believe you might warm up to the other man, or that you just take things slowly, just give you some time.

Since they know you play separate and it seems they do as well, then they probably understand that there is not always a 4 way chemistry. Hopefully he/they can understand this and deal with it. If he/they are not mature enough to deal with it then you may loose a friend and your husband may loose a playmate. But, it is either that or take one for the team, which I do not recommend. Or try to keep things as they are which I also do not recommend as it will only get frustrating for the other man in the long run. It is better to be honest and get the air cleared as soon as possible.

[sexcupid]

Avoiding the topic will only make him insistent. Perhaps something like "I know our spouses have hit it off pretty well, I enjoy our socializing, but I am just not feeling that spark or we would have already played"

There isn't really going to be a way to not hurt this person's feelings on some level. Have you talked to your hubby about the situation? What has his feedback been?

One of the possible consequences of saying this to the other hubby is that he may no longer want his wife to play separately with your hubby. Perhaps he may have seen the separate playtime as the means to hook up as a foursome at some point. Perhaps you have been putting off subtle signals that you are not interested to this man and he has just not picked them up, unfortunately people can see what they want to see (oh she's flirting with me, seems like she might be interested, maybe it just takes her a while to warm up to someone) and then the time has come to be more straightforward.

*sigh* not an easy situation, but when you do say something, ideally not at the club...if you are friends, at least a phone call or a meeting over coffee somewhere. Sorry, this doesn't feel very helpful.

[cplnuswing]

Good advice given so far, but I might add that it may be wise to talk to your husband and suggest he scale back on the texting, etc. a little bit and put a little distance back in that relationship. Even though you all are cool with playing alone, a couple is still a couple and when one is moving fast if the other one is that kind of person, they may just be riding along back there in the slipstream assuming it's going to take them where they want to go too and will get increasingly frustrated when it doesn't.

Establish some distance between the other two, and be honest with him that you enjoy his/their company but just don't feel the chemistry, and it should resolve itself. If they pull totally away, then you'll know what it was really about to start with under the guise of true friendship.

[ClosetSwinger]

This is part of the problem. I have not come out and said I was trying to warm up to him but I was. I tried for the last several months and it's not happening. I realized two weeks ago at the club that it wasn't going to happen.

Here's why:

(this is a fun kinky story btw yay for me).

My boyfriend, his wife and myself were at the club. There was a BEAUTIFUL woman there that was VERY obviously interested in me and made it known. She gave me the hottest lap dance of my life as boyfriend sat by and watched (sooo hot, btw hubby was at home, we lost sitter and he and bf are bff's so he told him to take me out, I needed it). After the dance I moved to the couch over with bf's wife and then the beautiful woman followed me and danced for both myself and bf's wife (who is one of my bff's). At this point bf was about to lose his mind watching his wife, gf and said hot chick rubbing all over each other. I leaned over to his wife and suggested we have hot chick give bf a lap dance....we both grinned evilly and ask her...to which she obliged. Hot chick is lap dancing hard core on bf while myself and wife are watching. Wife then leans over to me and says "Go and dance with HER dancing on him, I think he just might have a heart attack, so fun." So imagine bf is sitting on a high bench, HOT CHICK is lap dancing and rubbing all over him, I go and rub all over her, she's making out with me, rubbing on him, I finally grabbed his hand and placed it on her boob (he seemed nervous like he wasnt sure if I was okay with all this....I WAS). So for the next several songs, the three of us basically made out and mauled each other in front of everyone (at one point there was a break in the music and we sort of calmed down everyone started yelling OMG PUT THE MUSIC BACK ON AND QUICK LOL)....GOOD LORD IT WAS HOT.

On to my point.....In the midst of the epic hotness that was this moment I noticed someone was rubbing up my thigh and wandering upwards. At first I was so caught up I didnt realize that it was anyone other than bf or hot chick. I happened to look over and realized it was the aforementioned male. I was fine with him rubbing my leg but he was trying very hard to get to other places and I immediately realized I was NOT comfortable with that at all. Instead of making a big scene or alerting bf I just positioned myself on hot chick so that he couldnt get to my no no spot (haha).

Anyway hot chick fingered me, cramed her finger under bf's nose and then in his mouth...then went to aformentioned male and did basically the same thing....thus I'm sure confusing him more.

This was two weeks ago and I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to tell him that I was trying for a while but just realized I'm not there and can't say I ever will be.

BTW loved sharing the above hot story, felt like I was writing a Dear Penthouse...BUT IT WAS FOR REAL! LOL

Tell him pretty much what you have told us.


You like them, they are great to hang out with and you are happy that his wife and your husband have such great chemistry. But that 4 way chemistry is just difficult to find. And that you don't have that level of chemistry between the two of you. It is nothing specific, you can't put your finger on it, it is just not there. And that you hope that it does not ruin things between his wife and the your husband as they are lucky enough to have that chemistry.

Now, all that I have said with the assumption that you and your husband BOTH have been honest with the other couple, i.e. that neither of you have lead them to believe you might warm up to the other man, or that you just take things slowly, just give you some time.

Since they know you play separate and it seems they do as well, then they probably understand that there is not always a 4 way chemistry. Hopefully he/they can understand this and deal with it. If he/they are not mature enough to deal with it then you may loose a friend and your husband may loose a playmate. But, it is either that or take one for the team, which I do not recommend. Or try to keep things as they are which I also do not recommend as it will only get frustrating for the other man in the long run. It is better to be honest and get the air cleared as soon as possible.

[Alura]

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't know much about separate play since Laura and I decided against it early in our marriage, but it seems to me that y'all have to choose between some very limited, and not altogether pleasant, choices.

Choice 1: If you find the husband repugnant enough that you know you'll never want to play with him, you need to tell them both what you've told us. "Flirting etc is fine but I don't want to have sex with you." In that case, your husband will probably need to stop playing with the wife, and the friendship will likely be doomed eventually since the glue that holds it together will be gone.

Choice 2: You can leave the lifestyle which would probably allow y'all to maintain the friendship... at least for a while.

Choice 3: (Rarely advised!) You could have sex with him and hope that you will be pleasantly surprised. If you are, the problem will be solved. If not, you'll need to revert to choice #1 or #2.

I think your situation illustrates the importance of honest communication with our play partners as much as our own spouses. In my opinion, it's never a good idea to flirt with someone we know we'll never be interested in, in an effort to spare their feelings.

You might also consider a policy that you won't play with either spouse of another couple unless you both find them interesting and attractive.

My best to all four of you in resolving this problem. Please keep us informed on how it works out.

Alura

[MacNfries]

ClosetSwinger, this is a good situational question for swingers to address, as I'm sure many couples swing with other couples where one half works, and the other half doesn't. And, if its your half that doesn't work, you really hate messing it up for everyone else ... but, hey, we're all adults here, and eventually it happens to everyone. It could be as innocent as crooked teeth, or tattoos when you hate tattoos ... could be anything. With us guys, if it doesn't work for us, we unfortunately show it with a limp wick.

So, the first thing you got to do is quit beating yourself up for it not working. Its like you blaming yourself for not being able to reach orgasm with a new partner, and then saying "I don't know what's wrong with me". Good sex is sometimes very complicated for literally millions of reasons.

I guess your posts and explanations creates curiousity for me ... like, what specifically turned you off, or what you didn't like about him? Did he have physical imperfections, or maybe move too quickly the first time, etc? I'm a guy, and I prefer "directness", but many people can't handle that. I believe, however, if you have some casual conversation & drinks with him, and explain your situation, even though it wouldn't be what he wanted to hear, I believe he would appreciate your honesty. If it is something simple like bad breath, a wart, or dirty nails, he'd probably appreciate you bringing his attention to it.

Are all kinds of intimacies off the table, or is it just intercourse? Could you enthusiastically give him a BJ or HJ? I can tell you, many guys love a woman to give them handjobs. Speaking personally, I get a kick out of watching the woman's face as I begin ejaculating ... seeing her facial expressions, etc. as she acknowledges her accomplishment. So, if BJs or HJs are acceptable, tell him that ... possibly that will salvage the relationship, and as time goes by, possibly the thing that's clicking you OFF, won't click you off anymore.

[ClosetSwinger]

MacnFries,

Thanks for your answer!

I'll do my best to answer your questions.

Initally when he and I first started chatting he was very braggy (ie "I won a pussy licking contest, I give great oral" etc). When it comes to first impressions with me that is the KEY WAY to turn me off AND FAST. I have found so far that the men that talk THAT MUCH smack, typically have ZERO skills and can't back it up. So that's why it's a turn off for me.

He later told me he is into S&M being dominate etc...I was not into anything of that nature at the time so again BIG turn off for me.

Physically I'm just NOT attracted to him. It's not like he's a troll or anything but it's JUST NOT THERE. He's kind of a dork too, my husband is a dork so obviously I'm ok with that but so far he's not shown me any "game" as far as being able to talk to me and get me turned on. This is a very mental thing for me as well as physical.

All this being said there ARE people that when I initially met them I had no attraction but over time it grew and we played. I figured that may be the case with this guy but at this point I just don't see it happening right now.

As far as HJ or BJ's strangely enough I'd be more comfortable with him doing things to me than me doing things to him, although, I'm not truly comfortable with that either.

Wow I'm so situational.

did I confuse you even more now?

[JustAskJulie]

Avoiding the topic will only make him insistent. Perhaps something like "I know our spouses have hit it off pretty well, I enjoy our socializing, but I am just not feeling that spark or we would have already played"

There isn't really going to be a way to not hurt this person's feelings on some level. Have you talked to your hubby about the situation? What has his feedback been?

One of the possible consequences of saying this to the other hubby is that he may no longer want his wife to play separately with your hubby. Perhaps he may have seen the separate playtime as the means to hook up as a foursome at some point. Perhaps you have been putting off subtle signals that you are not interested to this man and he has just not picked them up, unfortunately people can see what they want to see (oh she's flirting with me, seems like she might be interested, maybe it just takes her a while to warm up to someone) and then the time has come to be more straightforward.

*sigh* not an easy situation, but when you do say something, ideally not at the club...if you are friends, at least a phone call or a meeting over coffee somewhere. Sorry, this doesn't feel very helpful.

I have to ditto SexCupid here. You've got to address it and their suggestion on how to do is really the best I can imagine. There's no way to address this situation that might not end in "fail", you've just got to take that risk, or you're going to end up taking one for the team.

How is your hubby feeling about this situation? Is he willing to give up playing with the Mrs, in favor of you not having to take one for the team?

[MacNfries]

MacnFries, ........ did I confuse you even more now?

Nope, not at all. Sounds like a personality issue, primarily ... nothing you can do with that. I would square away with your spouse, first ... let him know this guy doesn't do anything for you. Then, let this guy nicely, but privately, know that you just don't feel the spark you need to get involved with him. I believe if said in the concern way that you've stated your case here, but in your most feminine voice ... (does it to me every time), he'll understand. Its probably happened to his wife or himself at one time or the other.

Swinging is sometimes difficult anyways ... just doesn't seem to be enough time to socialize and get to know someone. My wife and I tried a couple adult clubs years ago and neither met our expectations. Although, we did meet one couple we enjoyed talking with and getting together with, privately, a few times. I guess we just needed a bit more social & verbal foreplay, plus, you had all shapes & sizes of individuals ... wow ... amazed me the guts some had to take their clothes off in public. And us guys depend on visual affects a bit more than the ladies, so it can be disasterous for us. That's one of the reasons I'm here, actually ... to learn how to handle situations where I'm not turned on enough. But, I feel honesty is the best way. Good luck! Mac

[ClosetSwinger]

For those of you that read my thread here asking for help I have an update:
http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...-i-handle.html

We all went to the club the week after my post and I thought I'd give it one more shot to see if maybe I'd feel something. The four of us hung out just us for at least a half an hour and I just WAS NOT feeling it.

This made me sad because I knew that meant I would definitely have to say something. He was very touchy feely that night and it was clear he wanted to play.

I told him two days later that I LOVE hanging out with he and his wife, that my hubby LOVES to play with his wife and I am glad we all have become friends. I then told him that for whatever reason I am not feeling chemistry rather that I feel like he is a great friend as I have confided in him often. I told him that I was fine with my hubby and his wife continuing to have play time but if they were not we understood wholeheartedly.

His reaction?

He was AMAZING. I almost cried. He said that he won't be a jerk like most men about it. He understands and respects my honesty. That he is FINE with my hubby and his wife playing and that he hopes we all will still remain friends. I told him of course that was what I wanted and that I was totally fine with flirting and stuff which he agreed.

So it ended well although it was very uncomfortable and I hated to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm glad I got it over with and he and his wife have continued to act the same with us, we went out again this weekend and we all had a great time.

Thanks for all your advice.

[funcoupledayton]

I'm so glad it worked out for all of you! That's great.

[Tina and Bob]

Glad it worked so well for you. Sometimes we try an over analize things and then worry ourselves to death thinking about different possible outcomes. I am firm believer in dealing with things straight on as you have done. Glad that your hubby can continue his play as well.

[sexcupid]

What an awesome resolution! Conflict (or the thought of potential conflict) is not something most people are comfortable with...but you and he handled it well. Glad to hear you were able to go out with this couple and still have a great time