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Thread: Secret Signals?

  1. #46

    Default Signals?

    My wife and are new to this.... we have been moving very slowly...

    Everyone talks about the "Signals" what we would like to know is what kind of signals does everyone use, ie: 1) some sort of guide lines a) verbal b) body langauge

    We met with a single guy at a restraunt after several e-mails seemed like a nice guy we were just going to meet him, period. But, as things progressed we went to his apparment where he started kissing M (the wife) and they went to the bedroom while I watched from the door... I wasn't asked to join and really felt weird just being a voeyer (sp) ..... after we left my wife said she felt weird having done that and I said me too .... the thing is we BOTH thought the other would say somthing if it was getting "weird" or didn't want to go on ....

    We love this 'feeling' we get from the lifestyle and plan on going to some clubs and would love to know what we should use for signals... please?!

  2. #47


    In that case I would say you should have just talked before leaving with him and discussed it. And rather than waiting for the other person to say something if it's getting weird for THEM... say something when it's getting weird for YOU.

  3. #48


    With us we do alot of eye contact. and have always dicussed what will or wont happen before we meet anyone...we figure there is always time for another date in the future if we want to play if we decide NO playing on that date. Before you meet anyone discuss all the rules and what you want or dont want to happen. play out different if this happens then what. cover all the posibilities before hand so no one is left feeling wierd or uncomfy. And if something comes up that wasnt expected then say something if you arent comfy with it. Nothing is worth making you or your SO feel weird or uncomfy. If the other person or couple is decent they will understand if you need a few minutes to discuss stuff alone. I would chalk it up as a learning experiance and move forward. best of luck to you!!!!

  4. #49

    Default Communication

    ESPECIALLY when you are new, don't try to read each others mind. Set up signals before hand, if things get uncomfortable don't just stand or sit there, VERBALIZE. This cannot be overstated. You need to sit down together and talk before you try anything else in the lifestyle or it is gonna bite you on the ass.

  5. #50


    We always carry a flare gun.

    If you have been to any hotels in our area, and noticed a giant hole burned in the bedroom ceiling. . . .that would be us.
    Last edited by Avantgarden38; 02-05-2004 at 03:19 PM.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

  6. #51


    My hubby likes to joke and say that if he looks over at me and sees me with my hand in the shape of a hand gun, he knows he is in trouble, and if he looks at me and i am acting like i am holding a shot gun he is in the dog house, and if i start to load the gun then he has to start planning his funeral.

    Of course he jokes aobut this (because he really knows that if i get to the first gun he better stop whatever he is doing )

    But seriously with us we have been married and together long enough to know each other's looks so we know when things needs to stop. But you are not always keeping eye contact the whole time............. so we both know to speak up if something is making us uncomfortable. We have bothhad to in the past step up and say something instead of just sitting there feeling weird.

    But one point i would like to express is that no matter what the reason or the signal that you give your SO or they give you.......... ALL activity should stop....... and the one having to stop should not be angry with the stopper. There should be no blame there and everything needs to be talked about as soon as possible.

    Ok off my soapbox now.

    Hope this helps.


  7. #52


    Although I do love to watch her with another man, we usually start out as a 2-on-1. Then we will alternate and take turns, eventually doing whatever feels good. I would hope it isn't necessary to be invited to play with your own wife (unless that's your kink). But that is something you need to discuss among all three beforehand.

  8. #53


    There is a lot of good advice here for you. We would like to add a few thing that we know some of our friends use.
    In an uncomfortable situation or when you need to talk privately you could use Honey did you remember to feed the dog before we left? Or if you dont smoke; I need a cigarette. you can use anything that will get your partners attention.
    Sam and Kay

  9. #54

    Default Thanks...

    Just wanted to thank everybody for the great advise. We went with the flair gun idea!! No, really, we attended a party last night, and it went really well, just communicated alot both before going and during the party and this was a much better experience. We will keep working on the exact "signal" to use - any more ideas on signals you use with your partner would be great.

  10. #55

    Wink A simple idea can sometimes work best ...

    My ex and I were in the lifestyle for many years, and we had come up with a really simple tool that worked so well for us, my present husband and I use it also.

    Come up with a double digit number to use as "your multipurpose tool" - any number that you believe won' t be one that could come up for any other reason.

    For instance, 12 would be bad as it could come up for a variety of responses to questions such as "what time does the sitter expect us home tonight?" or "honey, what size dress do you wear?" You get the problem with that.

    Both my husbands and I have always used the number "34" - it works for us. No month has that many days, we are older than that, my chest size is larger than that, and it doesn't come up often as the price of anything.

    You use the number thusly:

    Say you're at work, your SO calls with the weekend plans on his mind - or he's picking a fight with you - whatever. And standing at very close range to you is your boss. Awkward, huh? So you say "34" as if in response to a question being asked. Your SO now knows very quickly that you are not able to discuss the topic at this time, and you haven't had to drop your voice to try to convey that to him.

    Say you're at a club - or a party - the two of you have struck up a conversation with what seems to be a friendly outgoing and attractive couple - possibilities are in everyone's mind - there's been a trip to the dance floor when all danced with the opposite couple, opposite sex - - and during this time, the gentleman has behaved like anything but a gentleman - groping you between your legs - talking in gutter terms what he's planning to do to you - or maybe he just plain smells bad - or has had too much to drink.

    Your SO is, however having a grand time with the jerk's partner - and seems to be mesmerized, hanging on her every word as if she is a Rhodes Scholar. He also seems to have totally forgotten you exist.

    Do you go hide in the ladies room for a LOOONG period of time, hoping your prolonged absence will speak volumes to him?

    Heck no - don't waste the time with a ploy that may or may not work anyway. Instead say - suddenly - and with delight - and a bit loudly, to insure the SO's attention - "WOW - honey - I finally remembered it - the answer was 34! Boy, glad I remembered - that was driving us crazy!" As if this is in response to an earlier conversation between the two of you.

    But the message is implicit - "We need to TALK - really SOON - all is NOT well". And it gets both of you aware there's an issue in a very quick fashion - and both of you working toward breaking away - be it for a shared dance with one another - or a quick heads together in the corner - "think of anything to get us out of here now" type of message.

    Real simple - real clear - and works in so many different kinds of situations.
    Last edited by wrnakedru; 02-15-2004 at 11:06 PM.

  11. #56


    Wonderful advice wrnakedru

    We have a phrase... It was developed for me when I went to gay circuit clubs with my friends..... something innocuous enough that it wouldn't raise eyebrows or be taken as offensive to anyone, but told my friends I wasn't comfortable at the moment:

    "I want french fries'. If I added 'with gravy' that meant it was 'get me out of here NOW'.

    Mr used it once.. (I haven't had to yet..) We were at a club, with other couples we'd met before. I was bopping and dancing and flitting around and Mr came up to me and said....

    'I want popcorn!'.

    I got what he meant after a second and we left. It seems one couple were inviting the entire club back to our house afterward... unbeknownst to us.

    We ran. Literally.

    Signals and code words are necessary

  12. #57


    OMG I love the french fries/popcorn signal!!! We have both been doing Atkins for a year so this would be LOUD and if we borrow????

    We have used a few signals, but none quite as quick or discrete as this one...we had a gentleman visit us at our house (last time we will EVER host a first time meeting in our home)and I suddenly got the "no way" vibe and started to 'get sick'...I'm pretty good at faking sick, but this guy wasn't taking no for an answer...even started to offer to give me a massage to 'make me feel better'

    I finally jumped up and acted like I was throwing up and dh came in to 'comfort' me....weirdo finally left after dh told him he had to leave

    I need french fries is perfect!!!!


  13. #58

    Default Re: A simple idea can sometimes work best ...

    Originally posted by wrnakedru
    Both my husbands and I have always used the number "34" - it works for us. No month has that many days, we are older than that, my chest size is larger than that, and it doesn't come up often as the price of anything.
    Yeah...WR...but you know me...I'd get confused and later, I'd be saying, I SAID 43 about twenty-five times!!!!"

    And, too...I ALWAYS want french fries.

    Probably for me, it would be best to say..."I don't like you." I'm pretty good at that. - EBF

  14. #59

    Default Re: Re: A simple idea can sometimes work best ...

    Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

    Probably for me, it would be best to say..."I don't like you." I'm pretty good at that. - EBF
    When I first saw this thread, EBF, I asked Mrs. Alura if we should prepare a signal. Her thought was the same as yours. That's my "no bullshit" wife!

    Mr. Alura

  15. #60

    Default Re: Re: Re: A simple idea can sometimes work best ...

    Originally posted by Alura
    When I first saw this thread, EBF, I asked Mrs. Alura if we should prepare a signal. Her thought was the same as yours. That's my "no bullshit" wife!

    Mr. Alura
    Yep...and that is probably the reason I like her so much! Cut to the chase as they say.

    But I do wonder sometimes...not that I really think "I don't like you" is necessarily the right thing to say...but why beat around the bush and leave people wondering? I recall several years ago when I first thought I might be interested in the lifestyle...I met a couple one Sunday morning for coffee...we talked for a long time and they were super nice. However, after a time, they came right out and said, "You aren't our type" followed by some more discussion of what we were all looking for. It was said quite nicely and no offense was taken (the truth being that they really weren't my type either). However, as a result, we ended up being friends of sorts for quite some time. They would call occasionally - e-mail - that sort of thing and sort of served as "mentors" for me - and people I could bounce questions off of. And all of that came about as a result of their honesty. If they had "given signals" and just left, or whatever to never be heard from again, it may have left me with some really bad feelings. About them and even myself.

    Bottom line...I think...not everyone is made for everyone and there really shouldn't be any reason not to be upfront and honest (in a kind and non-demeaning way) about exactly what you want, need and expect. Again...just my thoughts.

    - EBF

    PS: can you just imagine...Mrs. Alura and me teaming up. The world wouldn't stand a chance!! And then throw WR into the mix?

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