Is it OK to meet someone separately?

[payodie]

So the better half and I have been talking about swinging for about a year now. We have spent many hours talking about what we want and why, we have laid out some ground rules for when we “actually get there” and are both comfortable with what we are trying to do.

We met up with one couple a few months ago, we had spent the day together getting everything ready for our big night, Terri likes to have a drink now and then so we picked up a bottle of wine so she could have a couple of drinks before we left for the restaurant. What we did not have was lunch so needless to say by the time we got to the restaraunt she was “very happy”. We meet up with our couple and had some good conversation and everything seemed to be going well. Teri excused herself to go to the ladies room and after about ten minutes with the three of us sitting at the table we started to wonder what had happened. The other couple’s better half went to the washroom to find her and came back saying I needed to go talk to Terri. She was in the washroom crying and when I went in she said “take me home now”. On the drive home she explained that she was worried about what might happen and she did not know if she could “handle” seeing me with another woman, and that alcohol had hit her pretty hard making her feelings much stronger and harder to deal with.

After this we took a step back and talked a lot about what we were doing and why. She says that had she not been so affected by the booze things would have been different, she wanted to do this and no she did not fear seeing me with another woman. We talked a lot and decided that maybe our best way to jump in was with a mmf threesome. No worries about me with another woman, and we would be able to re-evaluate after we went through with it.

So we made some contact with a couple of guys on AFF and have been chatting with them for a couple of weeks trying to find our best match. We had short listed it down to two and last night Terri was chatting with one of them. I was around, watching TV etc. while they talked. When they were done I asked how it went and she said it was fine and they would be chatting more this week. The next morning I was browsing through the chat logs (Terri knows I do this, we both do it, as a matter of fact) when I came across her inviting him to meet her after work today. He said if he could make it out he would.

Now I am not suggesting that they would meet up for more than a drink and conversation (rule #1: we only play together) but I am wondering if other people think this is OK? I have read many threads on here and some suggest when setting up a threesome it may be advantageous for her to meet him separately to make sure there is chemistry. I have no problem with this; I would just like to be aware it is happening.

So my basic question is: What do you think of this? I plan on talking with her to let her know I don’t like her setting up a meeting without my knowledge, but do I have bigger worries here? What would you do in my situation?

[N&G]

I would not be happy with this arrangement. If we were going to have an MMF I would like to meet the person too. What happens if he shows up to play and you don't like him? The other problem is that you seem to think that this will progress to playing with a couple. She may NEVER want you to play with another woman but she will be quite happy having sex with other men while you watch. Since she didn't say anything to you about meeting him alone that raises a red flag to me. Are you sure she knows about rule #1?

[NCfuncouple98]

Setting up a meeting separately is not really the issue here. The issue is that it was setup without your knowledge.

There are some things that we all do and tell the spouse later "Oh by the way, I forgot to mention....." That may work when it's "Oh, by the way I spent $65 on tires today". Ok, no problem. But a separate meeting with a potential playdate and it wasn't discussed with you before confirming?

Sorry, that's a major red flag to me. The only way you two will find success in swinging is by being 200% open and honest with each other, about everything. You need to ask her why she would set up such a meeting without discussing it with you first, or at least mentioning it to you.

Had you previously discussed ever meeting separately? What was the original plan once you narrowed down the list of prospects?

Mr and Mrs NC

[rpu3]

Now I am not suggesting that they would meet up for more than a drink and conversation (rule #1: we only play together) but I am wondering if other people think this is OK?

No, I do not think this is okay.

I am in an open marriage and there has never been one instance in which I did not make my spouse aware that I was going to make arrangements, much less meet anyone without his knowledge.

Any form of swinging, poly, open marriage, FWB, whatever the heck your version of alternative is, does not work without 100% openness and honest between all participants.

I know my spouse would consider it a major trust violation and just downright deceitful to be making arrangements without his knowledge, much less making arrangements to meet with someone alone without his knowledge.

No offense, but if you were looking for a threesome, why would your wife go off alone to check out "chemistry" without you? A threesome requires some form of "chemistry" for all three of you. You have to be okay with the third who is to join you; your wife has to be okay. The third person has to be okay with BOTH of you. So why would the two of them meet alone, without your knowledge?

There are all sorts of red flags here and it doesn't sound like you need to be pursuing this any further to you and your wife sit down and get your communication together. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's meeting him today after work. Is this correct? Are you actually going to step in and talk to her first before she continues the deceit and does something all of you might regret?

[payodie]

No, I do not think this is okay.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's meeting him today after work. Is this correct? Are you actually going to step in and talk to her first before she continues the deceit and does something all of you might regret?

Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.

[The Fuse]

Payodie,

You seem like you are trying to be supportive of your wife, which is very nice of you. However, there are serious potential problems with your wife meeting a man separately, one who is a stranger to both of you. First and foremost is safety. This cannot be stressed enough.

This man may be a normal, nice person with honorable intentions, but he may not. A woman going to meet a strange man alone has very legitimate reasons to be careful.

Your post told a story about alcohol being a problem too... regardless of whether that kind of thing happens often, it happened once. What if she has a few drinks during the meeting with the AFF guy? What kind of behaviour is she likely to exhibit? Drinking more than very lightly is not likely to be a good idea in any swinging situation. Add that to the general safety issue, and things just get more serious.

Her wanting to meet him alone, without telling you, is the second potential problem. If you are in this together as a couple, she should not have taken this step alone. Why would she do this without you? Doesn't she want you to be involved?

Please take definite actions on these things. Have a serious talk with your wife. Just reading your post, it is difficult to imagine that someone who does what you described (the drinking episode with the other couple, the arranging meetings without discussing it with you first, and alone) is ready for any kind of swinging activity. It seems like the worst that could happen here is very bad indeed, both in the realms of safety and in your relationship. I am sorry to sound pushy (actually I know I am being pushy) but so many alarms are going off I would rather be rude and hope you take action, even if you dislike me.

I hope you will talk with her TODAY, as soon as possible. I also hope you will check back in on this thread and let us know how it goes.

Would your wife want to read this Board? It might be helpful for you to read some of the threads in the Getting Started sub-forum, here: Getting Started - The Swingers Board.

Best of luck. Please stay safe. Please talk to each other and be careful.

[The Fuse]

Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.

TODAY? I would not wait until after the meeting. Sorry to be the alarmist, but my opinion is that you should call your wife NOW, insist on being involved or that she cancel. This is a stranger to both of you. Has she even talked to him on the telephone? How do you know what kind of person this is??

Please, please, don't wait. I know I seem a bit spun up, but other long-time members of this Board will be able to back me up when I say that doesn't happen much. This is about a potential safety issue for your wife.

[rpu3]

Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.

So, you are going to let your wife meet a complete stranger, alone, on the premise to establish "chemistry" for sex? You don't have a concern about her personal safety? It doesn't seem like she's terribly concerned about it. It would be nice if one of you were concerned about safety and the ramifications.

Good luck is all I can say, if you aren't going to talk to her beforehand.

[NCfuncouple98]

Mr. NC.

So the meeting's today after work, and you don't want to confront her until afterwards.

Myself, I would be very torn between walking in on the actual meeting, or sitting at a distance (parking lot maybe), to make sure that she is safe.

Not to be rude, but I'd also want to see how far she's willing to take it.

DO NOT let her meet this man alone without you in some fashion being there or near, or a friend of yours that you trust.

Safety flags are popping up like crazy here. Has anyone else read about the guy in jail right now in Boston that was responding to massage ads in Craigslist and he murdered her? And probably would have the other girl had her husband not walked ito the hotel room.

[payodie]

I understand the safety issue here; at first I was not too worried about that as she asked him to meet her at her work (a bar) where she will certainly be safe. Of course things could go wrong (in more ways than one) if she decided to go somewhere else with this guy. Sitting in the parking lot is not a bad idea, I’m torn between that and calling her to confront her on it.

[NCfuncouple98]

In this case, I think you should feed-rope carefully. Let her make her choices. Ok, her working in a bar, and that being the meeting place, does alleviate a lot of the safety concerns. I'm not sure I would confront her now, over the phone or at her place of business. But I sure as hell would be keeping close tabs.

The reason I say say feed-rope, is that if you stop it this time up front, ok, it's done. But what about next time? Regardless of her "intentions", this is all going without your knowledge or consent. So will she just be more careful next time so as to not raise suspicion? That's why I say give her a little rope, and see what she does with it.

Please do come back and tell us how this plays out. We had experienced something, while not quite the same, could have gone down this path. However, Mrs. NC took the rope, and used it is a life-line, not a noose. Hence, we have no issues with each other when it comes to distrust or disrespect. And we go out of our way now to make sure everything is communicated at all times.

Good luck. I really hope your wife finds her lifeline.

Mr. NC

[payodie]

In this case, I think you should feed-rope carefully. Let her make her choices. Ok, her working in a bar, and that being the meeting place, does alleviate a lot of the safety concerns. I'm not sure I would confront her now, over the phone or at her place of business. But I sure as hell would be keeping close tabs.

The reason I say say feed-rope, is that if you stop it this time up front, ok, it's done. But what about next time? Regardless of her "intentions", this is all going without your knowledge or consent. So will she just be more careful next time so as to not raise suspicion? That's why I say give her a little rope, and see what she does with it.

Please do come back and tell us how this plays out. We had experienced something, while not quite the same, could have gone down this path. However, Mrs. NC took the rope, and used it is a life-line, not a noose. Hence, we have no issues with each other when it comes to distrust or disrespect. And we go out of our way now to make sure everything is communicated at all times.

Good luck. I really hope your wife finds her lifeline.

Mr. NC

Good advice, thank-you. Does anyone else want to comment on the idea that she may never want to play with a couple? More as a side note to all this but the idea that she could go back to the "not being able to handle seeing me with another woman" is possible. She says she is past it, but how do we know?

[The Fuse]

I understand the safety issue here; at first I was not too worried about that as she asked him to meet her at her work (a bar) where she will certainly be safe. Of course things could go wrong (in more ways than one) if she decided to go somewhere else with this guy. Sitting in the parking lot is not a bad idea, I’m torn between that and calling her to confront her on it.

Please at least do one or the other.

On the one hand, at least there will be people around whom she knows and hopefully would take action if something untoward happens.

On the other hand, your wife is asking a potential swing partner to meet her in front of her work colleagues? I can only assume she is okay if they think she might be having an affair, or if they think she is a swinger. These are side issues compared to the safety issue, but would ordinarily be a subject for discussion.

So... your wife works at a bar and at least occasionally has problems with alcohol? I hope the episode at the restaurant was an isolated one.

And last but not least... your last post indicated that you're actually thinking about whether she'll someday be okay with you two being with a couple. Friend, you've got two potentially much larger issues to deal with before you should even worry about that! I know I'm being rude again, but your wife's safety and the state of your marriage are both important enough that that should be the last thing on your mind.

[rpu3]

Friend, you've got two potentially much larger issues to deal with before you should even worry about that! I know I'm being rude again, but your wife's safety and the state of your marriage are both important enough that that should be the last thing on your mind.

I was just about to say the same thing.

[payodie]

OK even more good points. As far as meeting him in front of the people she works with, I don’t know what to say. I know at least one of the girls she works with knows about what we (talk about) do(ing), as for how it may be explained to the rest, I’m not sure…

As far as her use of alcohol goes; this is usually not a problem, as I said we skipped lunch that day and she was drinking wine (not her usual choice) so the idea that it hit her a lot harder than expected is possible. Hard to admit (I am a man after all) but she could normally drink me under the table, she is a controlled drinker though and other than this night I cannot remember a time when she has gone overboard. The main reason I brought it up is my belief that a drunk will always tell the truth, and this is when she said the “can’t handle seeing you” statement.

As far as me worrying about the couples thing I only bring it up due to what I said before “a drunk will always tell the truth” and another poster had suggested it may become an ongoing problem. If we never play with another couple I am OK with that, as long as we are honest with each other. I think once we get past the current issue (assuming we do) I may post that scenario to see what others think without the much more important issue of the (secret) private meeting getting in the way.