Other male having trouble getting hard

[lovemonkey#1]

hi all,

so, we've been playing off and on with this other couple for many months now and for the most part we like them and enjoy their company (sexually and otherwise). so far we've gotten together three times to play. the first two times were just same room and last night we played a game of "dare" that was really hot.

the problem however is that everything seems to be OK up until the point where we're going to have sex. the other guy seems to struggle a lot and can't get it up. this has happened three times and we can tell that it's upsetting to both him and his wife. it's a little awkward for us too because we want to continue having sex with each other but don't know whether we should stop or what while they're sitting in the corner discussing what to do.

the female half of the other couple also seems to make the problem worse by making comments like "what's wrong? why aren't you hard?" they then get really preoccupied with it and she tries giving him a blowjob until he gets hard and then once they try to have intercourse again he loses his erection. i don't think she's intentionally trying to be mean or anything but is just frustrated.

we'd like to keep playing with them but we're wondering:

1. should we say anything to them?
2. what should we say?
3. how should we say it?

any advice would be great.

thanks!!!

[VegasLee]

Your right, she probably is not trying to be mean but she is not thinking either.

Many, Many men do not do well in front of others or in groups at all. There are many that also can not preform with a new person. Mental thing most of the time.

By her pointing it out that just puts more pressure on him to be the "stud" in front of his wife and then his mind takes over and makes it worse.

There could be many reasons for this but most of them are going to be mental on his part. Until he gets over what ever is bothering him it is not going to work. He needs to be the one talking to his wife and figuring out the true problem.

If you desire to keep pursuing this you might want to suggest separate areas for you all to play so that he is not right next to his wife. Some don't like to play that way but at times that is what it takes for someone to get over it.

Not only is he trying to live up to your expectations, he is trying to impress his women. That is normal in life but very hard for many to do. None of us want to make a bad showing in front of our loved one.

If the separate thing won't work for all of you then it might be best to find other play mates. Don't think it really is your place to point out to them that he has a problem, they already know that and it is something that only they can fix.

[Hot Raleigh Cpl]

Poor guy. It's bad enough he's having difficulty getting hard, but her comments just add to the pressure he already feels.

It won't hurt for y'all to casually dismiss it in a way that removes performance pressure, something like, no big deal, it happens to all guys sometimes (and it DOES, right, guys?). Let him know he's still welcome to play when he's recovered.

We've noticed some guys have more difficulty when there's an audience, so moving him and a hot woman into a room by themselves often remedies the situation. Works for us.

A word of caution, though: some guys chronically have this problem. No fault of theirs, but it can be frustrating as heck to their playmates. When we encounter this, we give them several opportunities -- and all the inspiration and oral help L can provide. If after 3 tries on different days, they just can't get it up, we give up and move on to other playmates. Sounds hard-nosed, perhaps, but we're in it for the excitement we get out of it, not to be sex therapists to anyone else.

S and L, Hot Raleigh Cpl

[porcialixxx]

Honestly? I would just tell them that maybe he should just watch until he's ready and you three cn play?
Thats one of the reasons I dnt really like to play with my hubby anymore.
Remember, this should be an experience for you that is enjoyable, so do what works until it don't!!
Good luck

[lovemonkey#1]

thanks for the responses, guys. just to clarify: we're a soft swap couple so the advice to separate the other fellow from his wife wouldn't really help in this situation. it's his own wife that he's having trouble with.

also, i think it's apparent to all of us that there is a problem so the question i was asking wasn't should we bring the problem to their attention. i guess a better question would have been "is it our place to provide advice to them about how to relieve some of the pressure and if so, how do we go about broaching the subject?" i've dealt with some of the erection difficulties myself so i feel like i have some insight that may be useful to them. i don't however want to insult them or make them feel worse by bringing it up. does this make sense?

i'm not trying to play sex therapist, just wondering when and if it's appropriate for me to share my experiences with them in the hopes that it might help them out.

[VegasLee]

Ohhhhhhhh, soft swap and the problem is when he is with HIS wife, totally different thing here then.

Some of the same still applies, betting just a mental thing about preforming in front of others. Some never get over that. Just the way it is.

Personally, if they don't ask I don't think I would be jumping in with advice. I am betting this guy is feeling bad enough already since his wife says things while you are there. Just some areas with men that I don't tread on and that is one of them.

Since you are the ones that know them only you can decide though. If you know them well and they are good friends maybe if you and him talked without the ladies. You can explain what has happened to you and share some information.

Not something I personally would be doing though.

[socolais]

My guess is that they're new to this and he's feeling a lot of performance anxiety. Time and familiarity with the activities sometimes has a way of correcting this issue. It has helped me. It helps to have a low pressure environment - ask him what he would like to do and basically follow his lead. I'm also assuming alcohol is not involved.

[daddynbabygrl]

I know how the "other male" feels.....my first two threesomes and my first house party (sex party) I had "performance anxiety" (i.e. stage fright) and it was frustrating beyong belief. The mental stimulus was there.....the mind was willing but the body was weak.......and I had NEVER had that problem before....was beginning to think I was doomed to never get hard when "playing" with someone other than my partner......but, the latest experience with a couple we soft swapped with, helped boost my ego/confidence, and made me feel much more comfortable with myself and with things in general.....

Honestly? I would just tell them that maybe he should just watch until he's ready and you three cn play?
Thats one of the reasons I dnt really like to play with my hubby anymore.
Remember, this should be an experience for you that is enjoyable, so do what works until it don't!!
Good luck

We're similar to the original poster, in that we are a softswap couple as well.....except for a couple of the ladies my partner and I had involved as a threesome.....we don't do kissing of opposite sex nor do we do "penetration" (from me or with her).....and letting them have a threesome and saying "to hell with hubby" isn't respectful in my opinion......your partner should ALWAYS come first, whether things are going well or not.......we all want to have pleasurable experiences, but not at the expense of our partners......

My guess is that they're new to this and he's feeling a lot of performance anxiety. Time and familiarity with the activities sometimes has a way of correcting this issue. It has helped me. It helps to have a low pressure environment - ask him what he would like to do and basically follow his lead. I'm also assuming alcohol is not involved.

Yes, I think this is what's working for me as well.....being comfortable and familiar with things.....and for me, alcohol was never a factor as I don't drink anymore......but thanks for sharing.....

"Daddy"

[petra6998]

We have been in this situation before, in a our one of our only soft
swap experiences (we are more full swap) what I said (female speaking) was let him know that it's fine and we just continued onto other things. Course we weren't having intercourse with our own partners just fooling around with the others. I think that he felt really bad because of my husband having no trouble, but we have also had more experiences than they had. We all still had a fun time.

[Chicup]

Odds are we would do the swingers board politically incorrect thing and not try to play with that couple again if after repeated attempts he couldn't get it up.

Maybe its hard for us to relate to as its never been a problem we have encountered on either end of, but it would greatly reduce the enjoyment for Mrs. Chicup and being she has a bit of a fragile ego about her looks, no matter how logic says 'its not you' logic has very little to do with the whole thing.

As for advice to the other couple, if you could maybe drop a hint for the other male to not have sex for several days before the meet up, it may help. I would assume being extra horny may help ease the performance anxiety.

[JustAskJulie]

I think if you said anything it should be to his wife to point out that what she is saying to him is making the problem worse and that what he is dealing with is normal. I think she is probably embarrassed by the situation and that is why she is making the comments she's made. But if she can understand that this is a pretty common thing and that you guys aren't taking issue with it she might chill out.