To swing or not to swing, that is the question!

[strangerstry]

Hello everyone, first time poster. My wife and I are timidly looking at swinging. Our situation is thus:

We have been together two years and married one of those. We have complete honesty and love each other very much. We do just about everything together except when we are at work or she is at college. I'm mid thirties and she's nearing thirty. Our sex life started out great, then after the first year he want for sex greatly diminished to the point now that she really never gets horny. She can still reach orgasm fine, and she can get a little turned on by watching porn, where she gets wet. We have sex but she doesn't initiate, she's just not horny.

She has went to the Gyno and told him of her feelings, and he's taken her off the pill (I'm vas safe), she believes her hormones or something physical is causing this lack of want. She brought up the topic of going to other people for sex, and while it blew me down to begin with, I'm trying to be open to the idea. She had just saw someone while we were out shopping that she'd like to have a sex session with and brought this up to me, if we should start doing that type stuff with others. She says she is missing that feeling when you are with someone new (new sex we call it). I understand also, as firsts are always good.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been mulling it over in my head. I really can't see just picking up strangers seperately and having sex with them, as really, she would be doing alot more than me and I'm not sure I could even try. I'd end up sitting at home while she was out, and that would hurt too much I think, I just couldn't see that working.

The only thing I saw that might work is swinging. I could see us getting together with another couple and just having sexual encounters, I don't see that hurting near as much because it would only be sex (right?). I don't have to feel that my wife will have feelings for this man she's with, and I don't see myself as being in danger of losing her. Or is this shallow? I also know that I myself would enjoy being with different women of course. I experimented and masturbated, fantasizing that I was with another woman. It was great, but then as soon as the orgasm was over, in the fantasy I just wanted to be with my wife... is that normal?

As I said, we are both truthful to the point it's brutal about everything. So I trust her. I am somewhat insecure right now, just because it's been hard feeling that feeling of "I just don't excite my wife anymore". I do fear that this will end up badly if we can't find the passion we once had.

We are thinking that the swinging life could enhance those passions, as I read most all of you say.

My main questions are:
How do you deal with the feelings after, not exactly jealousy but how are you suppose to feel when your mate is with another? Both she and I worry alot about how it will affect us.
Is same room probably best for our situation? We are brand new to the lifestyle, we have both had threesomes with ex-partners, but nothing together.
My wife and I's goals are to love and be with each other forever (well, til one dies eh? Me I'm sure). With that in mind, is swinging a huge risk to our love? I fear for our future if we don't try *something* to excite her again. (I still crave her like the first month)

It feels like a bag of worms, and once opened I have to see it through. Her happiness is my first priority. We are on hold right now until we see how her body reacts to being off the pill for the first time in 9 years.

So please, advice, thoughts? I thank you

[dayhiker]

Hi strangerstry,
You are in a difficult situation. The general feeling among swingers is the couples relationsihp has to be rock solid ebfore swinging will work. You wife has some issue, that I don't think either of you know about yet. I'd say seperate sexual experiences would be a step towards the end of your marraige. I fear swinging might be also.

Might be interesting to explore what her sexual experience was as a child a before she meet you. I'd say it would be goood for her to talk these things thru with a good councelor.

dayhiker

[SouthBond]

How are you treating her? Are you taking her for granted? Are you are still treating her like the most important thing in your life. Do you listen to her? Do you flirt with her. Do you buy her flowers, cards, or gifts? Do you hold her and tell her that you love her? Do you still love each other? We got into swinging because we had been married a long time and had gotten sexually bored. We still loved each other and had no other issues other than sex. Swinging set us on fire. With us, seeing the other spouse with another person only made us more interested in each other. The whole experience took us to a higher level of sexual expression towards each other. To us, it seems a bit quick for you to be thinking about finding a new playmate. However, you stated that both of you have had threesomes. No wonder. You have already gotten a taste. You might as well jump in.

[strangerstry]

I treat her the best I can and still sustain it. I truly treasure her and treat her like it, and she knows I treasure her. Our relationship is still great, I know she loves me and I know I'd die without her, I love her that much. It's the sex that's lacking. I still want her but she just isn't turned on. We still have sex, it's just that she doesn't initiate. And it is still great sex to me. She's been with a fair number of other guys, and no relationship has lasted more than a couple of years. I know she went through this with both of the other guys she was with on a long term basis.

She says the difference with me is she loves me enough to try to work through her problem so that we stay together. To me it sounds like she just gets tired of the same ol' and likes that "new sex" feeling to turn her on. On one side I feel hurt that she would ever want another guy. Then again, being realistic I've wanted to screw hundreds that I've saw too. I just wouldn't do anything about it because of my commitment (not a cheater, hate it).

I know that separate sexual experiences would not work. I have a good imagination and I just see that tearing me up. Now, make it something that she and I share together and I think I could come to live with it. If we could make it past the "afterward" feelings we might even come to love it and find a whole new sexual side to life and each other.

That is our dilemma. When to do we know if it will make us stronger or end us?

[BradAndJanet]

... She's been with a fair number of other guys, and no relationship has lasted more than a couple of years. I know she went through this with both of the other guys she was with on a long term basis. ...

Boy, if this isn't a big red flag, I don't know what would be. IMHO, y'all need to keep working on your relationship first.

-B

[Chicup]

I treat her the best I can and still sustain it. I truly treasure her and treat her like it, and she knows I treasure her.

Not to get controversial or too off topic, but that could be your problem right there. Sometimes when a woman knows you are all about her, her animal brain (the part that likes sex) starts to think she can do better. Its not something conscious but the result is she wants something new.

Were you already together for several years I'd be less worried about it, but together only 2 and having these kind of issues is a big red flag for me. While we are both happy swingers now, I know we would not have been in the first 2 years of our relationship.

Swinging might make her happy because she wants to have sex with other people, but I don't think it will do much for your marriage.

You are doing it for her and whats lacking is trust. I know my wife isn't going to leave me over a swing partner. How? I can't tell you beyond knowing her for so many years. Its just not her. I trust her in that completely and I likewise she would never have an affair.

In your case it just sounds like you are trying to prevent her from going in that direction and hoping that swinging together will be enough for her. Maybe, maybe not, I can't say I know everything about swinging, but I'd be surprised if this works long term and is nothing but a band-aid on a far bigger issue.

[VegasLee]

Swinging will NEVER fix a relationship or a problem in a relationship. I will wreck a relationship that has problems in a heartbeat though.

[sereneiders]

We are thinking that the swinging life could enhance those passions, as I read most all of you say.

That's stretching our words, a lot! The Lifestyle enhance our relationship? true, but most of us already have a pretty enjoyable and strong relationship as the start point for such an enhancement... and we're not doing it TO enhance our passions!!! Instead to share our sexuality with others, in such a way that it enhances the relationship!

We swing because we CAN, not because we NEED to! And if we were NEEDING to swing, we'd be facing (or running away from) a serious problem in our relationship.

So, here is where I believe you're way wrong about the whole thing. You two are having a bad time in bed... this happens, it happened to us (way before we ever tought of swinging, and it was possible for us to swing just after we re-learned how to have great times in bed... ALONE), and you two have to figure out what's going on, whitout the anxiety payload it seems to me you're carrying... and anxiety here is the worst enemy.

We usually bought the silver screen idealization of a relationship, forever and ever, always exciting... that only works there, it can be sustanied just for an hour and a half. We've been togheter for almost 20 years now, and believe me, life isn't as fancy as we'd like it to be. There are times where you don't feel so attracted to your partner, and other times where she's the only one able to turn you on. There will be times where you both will be in the same mood, and perhaps with just two years togheter you still didn't learn enough of each other "cycles". So, give each other a break, forget about the sex stuff for a while, just go out for a dinner or a movie, as if you were just friends, enjoy this side of the relationship, and before you even notice, the chips will be falling back in place and you'll find yourselves melting into each other in bed again.

There's nothing wrong about exploring your sexuality with others, about swinging, but this isn't the right moment to attmpt to do it. You could be facing the risk of spoling what you already have, just because you're looking for some magic solution that someone else would bring to your bed. This is wishful thinking. And you know this, all your fears and your doubts are well grounded... even if they come from a lack of self steem.

I'd suggest you to cold down, and to invite your wife to participate in this board to get our take on what's going on with you two.

[ht805cpl]

swinging is never the answer to fix sexual or maritial problems, You two need to have a solid relationship first then work into the swing life style. Although swinging is becoming very popular again, as it was in the 70's, it is not for everyone, and without a strong relationship jeliousy and other issues will only hamper your relationship not improve it. However if you have that trusting relationship and can handle seeing your mate having the time of her life with another person, then you will be in for some sexual encounters like you never dreamed of. We both love to watch the other receiving pleasure at the hands of others, and joining them at times as well, and when we get home or somewhere alone, we are all over each other, like on our first date. LOL, good luck, and hope you get to the point where you can enjoy the swing life style, but be sure it is right for you before you jump in with both feet.
J n S

[strangerstry]

Wow, thank you so much for your wonderful insight. I've read and re-read the replies, and it seems you've hit the nail on the head. We will keep focused on ourselves and then maybe move into the lifestyle when we have our problem fixed. My problem of feeling inadequate and hers of being bored.

So - anyone have a guide of how to be hard-to-get? I know alot of my problem is that I'm so accomodating and so willing to do whatever she wants all the time (no joke). As someone said, I'm not catering to her animal-side

[RidesLikeNew]

All I can say is, just openly bringing the topic out, out of strictly (mostly private) fantasy, and into "I would love to see you do it with another" has resulted in daily (sometimes multiple times a day) sex for us for almost the last three months.

I know it is unusual for the Mrs. to have more interest in this than the Mr., and you can also read about how he kind of began to be threatened by all this talk. Although, I am happy to say, I stopped talking about it, and he has brought up the subject on his own a couple of times.

I am the Mrs., 50, and Mr. Rides is 55. We have been married and monogamous since 1980.

Cheers, Mrs. R

PS: He's started waking up with "morning wood" that no longer requires Viagra.

[sexcupid]

OP, give her hormones time to stabilize. About a year ago my OB put me back on birth control pills. It was the worst 8 or 9 months of my life. My sex drive went damn near to 0. I couldn't orgasm most of the time, and I'm sure that my attitude ('can you just get it over with?!?') came thru on more than one occasion.

Even a low dose hormone the wreak havoc, give it time.

[apraskov]

I know alot of my problem is that I'm so accomodating and so willing to do whatever she wants all the time (no joke). As someone said, I'm not catering to her animal-side

IMHO, I think it will be best for both of you to see marriage counselor. You can be and should be accommodating, but you need to learn to be a little selfish as well. That does not mean to do whatever you want, but rather to find the fine line between the things that are equally comfortable for both. Experienced counselor can show you how.

In regards to swinging, like the others above have said, it will probably be a bad idea, as you are trying to use it to repair something in your marriage. That excitement from having sex with new people with get duller with time and you will be back where you started from.

I hope that helps and good luck.