Want to swing so that I can have an orgasm

[loladoreen]

My husband and I are weighing the pros and cons of swinging. we have not yet done it.
I have a BIG question.
One of the reasons we want to try it, is for sexual satisfaction. I want to have an orgasam. I haven't in 10 years. Maybe if Im with someone else I could??
Is this ok? Are idea is M F M
Or will it put people off?

[rudrjunk]

Wow! first of all WELCOME to the board.

On the orgasm front, i would say that if you truly enjoy sex with each other, then the orgasm would be a natural process. However, if your sexual life with each other is not entirely satisfactory, you may try toys or sex therapy. I don't think that you not having a orgasm for the last 10 yrs might turn someone off.

But you should put up your expectations with each other and make sure that your marriage does not suffer due to swinging. A sincere request would be to go thru the various forums on this board. There is a wealth of information and lots of good people with good advice. So take some time to read and make an assessment of your fantasies and then jump into swinging.

Hope this helps.

[Chicup]

I'd look at it this way and in my normal harsh fashion.

If you haven't had an orgasm in 10 years, why do you think that is? Most swinging women I have met tend to be multi-orgasmic, and all seem to be able to orgasm with their partners no problem.

If your husband hasn't been able to get you off in 10 years, why would another woman want to give it a go with him?

I see swinging as making a good sex life better, not a poor sex life good.

[Lumina]

I don't know anything about you, your husband, or your marriage. But I can imagine that having your first orgasm in 10 years by another man has big potential for drama. How is your husband going to feel about that? How will you feel toward the other man?

Have you not had any orgasm at all in 10 years, or just not by your husband? Can you bring yourself to orgasm? If not I can't imagine how another guy is going to have much luck. If it's a lack of skill or stamina or something on your husband's part then I can't imagine that he or his partners would enjoy swinging much. Personally I would work on the orgasm thing before swinging. What have you done to try to fix it that hasn't worked?

[ShellyM]

First of all, welcome.
I don't think you will necessarily have an orgasm with another man. I would suggest that you start by masturbating and learn what feels good where on your own body. How can you tell a man what feels good if you don't know yourself? He doesn't know, he can't feel what you feel. So thats my first suggestion. Second, don't enter into swinging for that reason, imo. You need to really be mentally ready for what swinging entails. People tend to see just the "happy" part of swinging. But you are trying to meld 4 separate personalities into a relationship, or 3. It can be tricky, and takes mature adults who are comfortable with talking about sex. For me seeing Jay enjoying another woman or being enjoyed is a huge turn on. I mean, I don't watch much of it, because I am pretty focused on my partner. But there is no jealousy. BUT for alot of people it is quite disturbing to see this. You need to really prepare for what you are going to feel.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here:

First off, you really need to discuss this with your physician first. This might be a reflection of a medical condition or current treatment.

Second, consider a visit to therapist that specializes in sexual function. Go as a couple, ideally, and discuss your concerns. As always, if you can't make yourself climax, it's doubtful a new man can.

Also the strongest caveat about the Lifestyle is that it cannot fix problems in a marriage or sex life. If used in this way, it's typically disastrous. Swinging, ideally, is an extension of an already positive, life affirming, sexual relationship.

Lastly, this may not be a solvable problem and you will have to adapt accordingly.

Good luck.

[flkeyscouple]

I, too, would suggest working on the orgasim problem before you decide if you want to swing. Do you masturbate and orgasim then? I'd almost say 'no' from reading your post. You say you haven't had an orgasim in ten years - does that mean you used to have orgasims and haven't since you married?

I guess it's hard to suggest details to you without knowing more. But if you really haven't had an orgasim in ten years AND you've tried - I'd suggest working on that. One thing you could do is go to a seminar on orgasims - I think they have them all over the country. One such organization (and there are others) is www.smilingcloud.com They have weekends for couples, classes on how to reach different types of orgasims, etc.

Good luck! I simply can't imagine not having an orgasim in ten years!

Sarah

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

My husband and I are weighing the pros and cons of swinging. we have not yet done it.
I have a BIG question.
One of the reasons we want to try it, is for sexual satisfaction. I want to have an orgasam. I haven't in 10 years. Maybe if Im with someone else I could??
Is this ok? Are idea is M F M
Or will it put people off?

Most couples in the lifestyle get into it because they have a great marriage, great sex together and just want to experience some added bonuses to what they already have. The ones who get into it to "fix" something they don't have together usually don't last long. If you have an orgasm problem you should first seek out help to find out why. It could be medications, hormones, technique or just not having your mind into it (i.e job worries,kids,etc.). I would start there first and not look into swinging until you and your spouse are 100% with each other.

As Lumina said I don't think I'd want my first orgasm in 10 years to be with a complete stranger...I'd want it with my spouse so we can both enjoy it together. I would suggest some long, open, and honest conversation between the two of you to try and discover why you aren't having orgasms. Then maybe seek out help with your doctor to rule out any physical causes. You might also want to consider seeing a therepist or specifically a sex therepist.

Until you get things right and working at home I would put swinging on a back burner for now.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[ShellyM]

As Lumina said I don't think I'd want my first orgasm in 10 years to be with a complete stranger...I'd want it with my spouse so we can both enjoy it together.

I completely agree. Your husband may actually get a complex if he is with you for 10 years with no orgasm, and then a man is with you for 2 hours and you have this massive O. I could see how that would be a definite hit to the old male ego. Anyways, other than that how is your sex life? I mean, there are times when Jay and I have sex, and do it in my favorite position in life, the missionary. I don't cum in the missionary position, but I adore it just the same. Some times I have such an amazing time, even though I don't reach orgasm.

[loladoreen]

We've been together for five years. When I was with my first husband I did. It was a great sexual realtionship.
I made the mistake of faking it for the sake of his ego w/ my husband now.He doesn't know that.. but he knows it doesn't happen very often.
The only way i can orgasam through masturbation is by squeezing my muscles.

And during sex, I will try to tell him what I want or need, but does what he wants.
He is actually the one that suggested the M F M, to see ig soemone else could get me off. BUT in my opinion, my H doesn't try, I guess eh thinks that he tried it didn't work and that is that.
We dont have foreplay and I yearn for it.
So should I try to learn to masturbate on my own, manually or with a vibrator rather than squeezing my leg muscles.
He orgasams everytime, but he is bored ( i think) BUT he wont try anything new.And this is the only thing he has suggested to try.
I am ok with it, if it was to be M F M,I am not ok with im being with another woman.We are not there yet or may never be there.
But I am frustrated and when I talk to him...he does not talk backa nd than it is even a longer time until we have our two minute sex again.
So i guess I am open to this becaseu i am super super frustrated.I dont know what to do. Or what I can do.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

We've been together for five years. When I was with my first husband I did. It was a great sexual realtionship.
I made the mistake of faking it for the sake of his ego w/ my husband now.He doesn't know that.. but he knows it doesn't happen very often.
The only way i can orgasam through masturbation is by squeezing my muscles.

And during sex, I will try to tell him what I want or need, but does what he wants.
He is actually the one that suggested the M F M, to see ig soemone else could get me off. BUT in my opinion, my H doesn't try, I guess eh thinks that he tried it didn't work and that is that.
We dont have foreplay and I yearn for it.
So should I try to learn to masturbate on my own, manually or with a vibrator rather than squeezing my leg muscles.
He orgasams everytime, but he is bored ( i think) BUT he wont try anything new.And this is the only thing he has suggested to try.
I am ok with it, if it was to be M F M,I am not ok with im being with another woman.We are not there yet or may never be there.
But I am frustrated and when I talk to him...he does not talk backa nd than it is even a longer time until we have our two minute sex again.
So i guess I am open to this becaseu i am super super frustrated.I dont know what to do. Or what I can do.

I hate to say it but it sounds like you two have more than just orgasm problems. You need to talk and get everything out in the open and together find a solution. You might just need to tell him you've been faking it but really want to have one with him and ask him if he'd be willing to try some new things or let you direct him how to do it. Which brings up another thing...you should explore yourself and try different things to orgasm (vibrators etc) You can't tell a man how to give you an orgasm if you don't know yourself.

Couples in the lifestyle have open honest communication and trust. Spoo and I can talk about anything. Again I would suggest skipping the thought of swinging until you and your husband have opened up to each other and talked alone or with a marriage counselor.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Amanda69]

with the majority of posters here so far.

As for the orgasm issue you really need to look at WHY you can't orgasm. Is it your husband? Is it a medical issue? Is it an emotional issue? Have you tried masturbation? Use of toys etc?

Bringing another person into the mix is only a recipe for further problems. If you have a basically good relationship except for the sex, then fix the sex part first...then come on in and join the fun. It will be a much better experience for both of you at that time.

[Lumina]

I hate to say it but it sounds like you two have more than just orgasm problems.

I was going to say exactly this. He won't take any steps to improve your enjoyment and won't talk about it. This goes way past orgasm problems and into relationship problems. If he can't talk or listen to you about sex, then swinging is not the solution. You need to fix this between you two.

So should I try to learn to masturbate on my own, manually or with a vibrator rather than squeezing my leg muscles.

All of the above! If I were you I'd be learning about every which way you can orgasm. The larger your repertoire the better you can help your partner. And the more fun you'll have learning.

[Mr.T]

While I agree with most of the others who've responded here,It seems I have a different take on this situation.(what else is new :rollseyes )


Loladoreen,It sounds to me like your hubby is suffering from a similar emotional state that I dealt with a number of years ago.Boredom.Not with sex with you,but with sex in general.Basically a case of "is this all there is".And just like your hubby,when it came to discussing it,I'd close up tighter than Fort Knox.And it also sounds to me like your lack of sexual satisfaction is a result of you subconciously feeling his boredom.

A bit of Male perspective.Some of us(men) never took the time to learn what it is that turns us on.Hell,I've been married 12 yrs and my Mrs. is still trying to find my erogenous zones.Maybe he's in the same boat and has lost interest the whole game.

The Mrs. and I had a hell of a time with this.Almost killed our realtionship.I hope it hasn't hit that point with you.

What finally got things on the right track for us was when someone mentioned the concept of swinging to us.I Realize how crazy it sounds.Your sex life is rough,so invite others to join in. But,initially,it got us talking.Thoughts turned to ideas,then to new play activities amongst ourselves..Soon things were back to a pleasant level.That's when we decided we were ready to play with others.And in our case,it was a successful venture.


As far getting him to talk:
Some men can take subtle hints well.Others(like me) need to be beaten over the head with a 2X4,then have an ice pack lovingly applied(figuratively speaking) before we get the hint.Only you know which type your man is.

I can't offer much advice on this one myself,other than my experience.But I can say this much with absolute certainty.An MFM is definately NOT a good idea at this point,based on what you've let us in on.The two of you got bigger issues,and inviting others into it could be disasterous.

Hope it all works out for you in the end.

[telly2]

as Mr.T's Mrs i can atest, and add. Since the birth of our son, 10 months ago our sexlife had not really returned, we were both bored, No foreplay, just sex, Well something switched in out heads when we got back to the lifestyle, don't ask what, but something. Maybe it was fear, or just the need for something different. Well the scene happened and well not much happened, but WE realized here was where we wanted to be and since, our sexlife has been finominal.

So in your situation, maybe seeing how much you enjoy someone giving you foreplay, etc, will open his eyes to what you need. i don't know his whole story, but some people{MR. T included} never played {petting extended forplay etc} before having sex in the early yrs and thus never learned to enjoy it. That has been our cross to bear, but it seems to have finally fallen off 12 yrs later.

My advice don't let it get to that point, set up a situation where foreplay is only allowed, pop in a porn for example and allow no sex for the first 30 min only foreplay. Maybe a crash course is needed, or maybe it will get him talking, even if it is negative, something said may lead to more positive conversation. I don't want to come off as know it all, but with my experience, i like to be able to help in some way.

also Find out why he wants to swing? The big thing is get the conversations happening.

Best of lick hope to hear how things are going.
Chantal i'll hop off now