My bf and I are into swinging and have a couple and some groups we hang out with from time to time. I'm new to this, but I was always intrigued and interested. I love it - I love the freedom and the deep level of trust it takes to have these sexual adventures with my man (and best friend). But I'm really unsure of this situation... here it is:
The other night I caught him IMing some girl he met on AFF (Adult Friend Finders). Fine, but he was acting really sneaky about it. Of course I positioned myself on the couch so I could watch him do his thing. He kept looking over his shoulder, etc. When it was clear he had written down her number (and put it into his phone) I confronted him. He said that he was trying to hook up with someone for the two of us - that she said she liked couples in her profile. He also said that it didn't matter because after an hour of flirting she just then realized he was in a relationship and had turned him down anyway. OK I believed him. We had a frank discussion and I told him what I thought was swinger's philosophy : you can play around as long as we do it together AND you can play around solo if I can too. He absolutely rejected the latter saying, in oh so many words, that he wanted to be able to see anyone but he expected me to be faithful and only hook up with guys he approves of (iow the couples we already know). I said that was unacceptable to me and so I asked him to just limit himself to the former - we do it together or neither one of us does it at all. We agreed (I thought). And just to stave off his boredom I booked us up with a couple we like this weekend.
Now this morning I was getting ready to sit down and work on the computer (I'm an author) and he checked his email really quick. And lo and behold there is an email from that girl he was IMing the other night! I am totally beside myself, but I not 100% sure that I should be all that upset. I mean, I let him go with other girls, why not this one? I know he is emotionally attached to me (we are talking about getting married next year!) and he comes home to me every night and is a loving wonderful man (he really treats me like a princess). But I don't know this girl and I'm worried that she may be looking for more than a local fuck buddy. My suspicion stems from her profile... she says she into couples but tells my bf she wants him only: to me she's looking for a man to have a relationship with FIRST so then she can explore couples. He's never done this before - more than anything it bothers me that he was trying to do this behind my back - so I have no history with him in this area and I'm not sure I trust him to keep her at arm's length.
What can I say... I'm scared to death. This feels like cheating to me. But at the same time I love him - and I want him and his sexual appetite to be free.
This is all confusing to me in another sense because I have been so damned horny lately and he has turned me down on several occasions when I've offered. I'm dying over here - masturbating 2-3 times a day - and I get no outlet for it... while he, apparently, gets all the outlet he needs. It seems like he feels more obligated to fuck a stranger instead of satisfying his own girl.
I don't get it.
Is this normal swinging? Am I overreacting? Should I just go ahead and have someone on the side he doesn't know about (it's only fair)?
I'm at a loss. Please help.