Loving your swinging partner?

[JohnUK1]

My partner felt she loved her swinging partner. He was the 1st guy she was with apart from me. On reflection she feels it was just lust and admits she does like the guy a lot. I don't mind that, and would expect that.

Have any of you ever fallen in love with your swinging friends or has your partner? Or even felt mildly in love? And if so, how has that affected your feelings towards them/relationship with him/her?

Just wondering if falling in love is a big no-no in swinging.

John

[Tybee Swing]

Have any of you ever fallen in love with your swinging friends or has your partner? Or even felt mildly in love? And if so, how has that affected your feelings towards them/relationship with him/her?

Just wondering if falling in love is a big no-no in swinging.

John

Hi John, There's no one way of thinking in swinging (so many styles, grey areas), but by-and-large, swingers usually keep emotional attachments out of it, or strive to. Otherwise, it's venturing off into something else - Polyamory.

Here was an excellent conversation I think you'd like to read - Emotional Attachments and how to handle them. This conversation delves into all the questions you asked.

Best wishes.

[good times]

Yes, it would be a big no-no for us and I think in swinging generally. When you incorporate love of a third partner (or more) then that becomes what is known as polyamory. polyamory is a seperate thing from swinging, although their are some polyamory people who are also swingers.

[JohnUK1]

Thanks for the link, Tybee Swing!

[sinsinbad]

Sorry, I am a little late with this advice, but one of the "rules" my wife and I had when swinging was if either one of us ever felt that the other one had strong feelings for someone we were swinging with, then we would just quit seeing that couple. We NEVER wanted to put our relationship in any danger.

[LFM2]

I've thought of this scenario a lot and what would happen if by chance, this might happen in our relationship.

It's been a LONG time since I've had a different partner. I think it's true for most women, at least for me, that you have to have some sort of feelings for you partner, even it's just friendship. I do believe that that friendship might go over a fine line and turn into more amorous feelings; especially if you see this person over and over again for friendship or for fun.

Falling in love for us would be a big no-no. If I felt I was having more than friendship feelings for my partner, I would first of all, tell my husband what I was feeling, and secondly, tell our partner that we'd have to quit for a while and take a much needed break.

I will not sacrifice my marriage for a threesome or moresome.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--I have often felt emotions for the person I'm having sex with. I don't 'meet and mate' (well,one crazy weekend I did, but that's another story) so I have some type of relationship with the person. I simply know that these emotions are biochemical and psychological and not genuine, per se. I acknowledge them in my own mind, but realize it's part of the fantasy and that they're not to be indulged or acted on. I don't fight them or repress them either, I use them to enjoy the sex even more and that's using it in a positive way.

[Chicup]

Most of our playmates we have no real emotions for.

One set we have known and played with for 5 years now. I wouldn't call it Polyamory but its more than just friends. I think it would be more odd after 5 years of close friendship and sex if we didn't have some feelings for them. Its not love, if they leave there will be no broken hearts, but we will miss them more than any vanilla friends.

[sereneiders]

We've been there... and it was ok for us. Just that we both developed feelings towards the third one (and she corresponded). But as it was said, this actually was a polyamory relationship.

I believe this have to do with what do you feel able to threat your marriage. In our case, I cannot figure out of anything able to treat our marriage (but having a careless attitude ourselves, but that'd be another story).

[driveajeepnaked]

When we first entertained swinging, we signed up on SLS and went to a few Meet n Greets that were always hosted by the same two couples. They were all very hospitable and it was evident that they were a 'foursome'. Their children all knew each other, etc...

About 6 months later, their SLS profiles both posted a"No Longer Looking" tag line, and come to find out, they had permanently swapped partners in 'real life'.

V

[WesternSwing]

I think many view falling in love with a playmate as a no-no in swinging, but that is mostly because swinging differs from polyamory in the amount of affection felt for your partner(s). I feel also that when stronger emotions come into play you have now crossed the line into a polyamorous relationship.

This has happened with us. Mrs. WS got attached to the first couple we swung with, and I feel this had allot to do with her conservative upbringing and the need to not feel dirty and slutty for having and enjoying sex outside of her marriage. This soon faded away though.

Although about a year ago we started swinging with a single male that she did fall for. They carried-on for several months but he eventually fell for the wife of friends of ours and they have had an openly polyamorous relationship since about December. It has worked well for them. The break-up for my wife was really hard on her. She was crushed well because... she was dumped. And she felt she shouldn't have felt that way and the guilt of that even made the break-up worse.

How did it effect me? At first I was a titch jealous, but as the relationship continued and I fully realized she wasn't going to leave me for him, and he was making her happy in this part of her life that she needed fulfillment in at that time, I became comfortable with it. I was friends with him also and we would go out as a threesome and play that way sometimes or sometimes she would see him alone. It was all very open and above-board. We are still friends with him, we just don't play with him anymore.

So, yes it can happen, and it can work. It just really depends on the people involved, and everybody is different.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

...and I feel this had allot to do with her conservative upbringing and the need to not feel dirty and slutty for having and enjoying sex outside of her marriage. This soon faded away though...
Mr. WS

How long did it take, Mr WS (or Mrs. WS?) I feel my wifes conservatibve upbringing has something to do with her reluctance to fully embrace the lifestyle. It also may have something to do with her mother's behavior when she was younger. It may mostly have something to do with her feeling that what she's doing is wrong. When I hear her say that, I just freeze and realize that this won't work, and I tell her that, but then she says she wants to continue on. When she says she liked a guy she was with in the past, I'm overjoyed. I honestly expect that she will (and I will) like a person alot...hopefully more than one. I really hate to fuck someone and know that it was just a fuck. I think it's natural to expect that some feelings will be there...why else would you want to see someone again?

Regardless, I am trying to go with the flow...

M.D.

[WesternSwing]

How long did it take, Mr WS (or Mrs. WS?)

We were married for six years before we started swinging. I didn't have the conservative upbringing she did and thus I've always had a very liberal ideal of sex. Over the six years Mrs. WS became more and more daring and open and started to shed allot of that conservative guilt that her mother had openly placed on her about her body and sex. So when the time came that we decided to take the plunge it was more growth for her. It was kind of the natural progression I guess. It got to the point where she wanted to expirement with her bi-side. The experiences I've related above weren't even on the radar scope at the time, but happened.

She still fights with some guilt every now and then, but for the most part has really put most of it behind her. I'm glad. Everything she is doing, and has done, is wonderful. I have relished and rejoiced in her growth as a whole woman.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

I honestly expect that she will (and I will) like a person alot...hopefully more than one. I really hate to fuck someone and know that it was just a fuck. I think it's natural to expect that some feelings will be there...why else would you want to see someone again?

Regardless, I am trying to go with the flow...

M.D.

I wholly agree with you.

I believe we bump against a "naming convention" here. We all develop feelings towards the people we have around, but from what I've seen amnong swingers (and not only in this board), the word "love" it's what seems to be forbidden and not the feelings themselves.

Of course, there are people who as soon as they recognize certain feelings they stop playing as a preventive measure. It is ok, but sometimes I wonder what could happen if they explore those feelings. I am pretty sure that a solid marriage wouldn't be at risk because of this. In the other hand, I understad that since we look for having fun, such an exploration would be "off topic", so... why you'd try?

We have this couple we use to play with, they become great friends of us besides the sex. They have this aproach where they dislike feelings involved, while we're open to explore our feelings as well. Some time ago I was talking with the female half of them about our friendship, and I told her "I know this may freak you out, but guys, we love you two". She gave me her histation look and I told her "well... we're great friends, some of us may not want to have sex anymore but I would like to have you as vanilla friends anyway, so the sex, even when great, is accesory, we both trust you two, and I cannot figure out a reason for our friendship to break appart, since whatever may happen, we all feel confident enough as to talk about it. I know the word love is freaking, but please, explain to me why it wouldn't fit".

I know several members could say "ok, dude, that's great but it isn't love", they can bring me arguments to support this, but I believe that, ultimatelly, those arguments would be grounded in sutile definitions that are there just to prove the word doesn't fit.

Perhaps the problem is that in our culture we're not supposed to talk too much about feelings. Since we're supposed to develop certain feelings only with our spouse and closest relatives, we're not supposed to have other feelings stronger enough as to develop a language usefull to tell appart one strong feeling from another. It's like travelling in time to the Middle Age in Europe, where sex was so forbidden than you had very few words to describe a sexual relationship: you cannot talk about a clitoris, nor a vaginal orgasm, nor about technics for giving oral sex, just because you lack the vocabulary to make yourself understand.

But we're swingers, today, and we engage in relationsips that wasn't supposed to happen. We develop levels of intimacy with others that were supposed to be reserved to our spouses, and it's natural that there will be some feelings involved. However, we're in the Middle Age of swinging, and we still accept the vanilla vocabulary and stick to the vanilla language, thus finding ourselves forced to tell appart shades of colors by claiming they're white or black.

Perhaps if we were having more words to describe the shades of love, it would be way more easy to deal with those issues.

[WesternSwing]

Great post sereneiders.

I've said before that some swingers are poly, and some poly are swingers, but not all swingers are poly and not all polys are swinger. We see this often. Being we're "poly-friendly" we have been accepted into the poly community here and go to many poly events like pot lucks and movie nights, etc. Of course it helps that two of Mrs. WS high school friends are both poly.

We do see that some polys when not involved in a poly relationship tend to swing, but not all. These same couples when involved in a poly relationship do not swing.

What you don't see a whole lot of is swingers in poly relationships. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said:

Perhaps the problem is that in our culture we're not supposed to talk too much about feelings. Since we're supposed to develop certain feelings only with our spouse and closest relatives, we're not supposed to have other feelings stronger enough as to develop a language usefull to tell appart one strong feeling from another.

.
Society and conventionality have molded us into thinking that we are not supposed to love anyone but our spouse. Hell, many think you are not supposed to lust anyone but your SO.

I think you were also spot-on with:

Of course, there are people who as soon as they recognize certain feelings they stop playing as a preventive measure. It is ok, but sometimes I wonder what could happen if they explore those feelings. I am pretty sure that a solid marriage wouldn't be at risk because of this.

It is really exploring uncharted waters, but in our case, it has been a very worthwhile journey. Although Mrs. WS and I have a great marriage, I have seen the positive effects being loved by, and loving more than just one has had on her. This other person provided something to her that I couldn't at the time, but not everything I can (make sense?). He filled a role in her life that she needed at that time. She was very, very, very happy during this period. Her being that happy made me very happy and made me feel really good about myself that I was a big party of this happiness. It is a journey of the ego-self to the Higher Self-Self. It was as much a growth experience for me as it was for her.

And you know what? It has made our marriage even stronger than just swinging has. I would encourage Mrs. WS to seek such a relationship again.

I know that within the swinger lifestyle poly relationships are looked upon with great skepticism, but I think that it is because some don't understand the whole dynamics of it. Like swinging, it isn't for everyone.

Mr. WS