Best Way to Say Not Interested Without Hurting Feelings

[appleblossoms20]

Hi all...Hubby and I are the type that need a getting to know you stage prior to intimacy. We are considered attractive, intelligent and humorous. Upon meeting us most people want to meet a second time. This is not always the case for us. We usually stick the getting to know you date out and try and enjoy people for who they are. Being intimate with someone is not just about being physically attractive to us it entails personality and commonality. How do we kindly tell people we are not interested?..I often get the line , "well you seemed to have a good time". I just hate hurting people but we are not going to be involved with someone just because....and what do you say when they ask a reason why..Was it what we looked like? Was it the fact...blah blah...Hope this makes sense...thanks all -r

[Chicup]

Hi all...Hubby and I are the type that need a getting to know you stage prior to intimacy. We are considered attractive, intelligent and humorous. Upon meeting us most people want to meet a second time. This is not always the case for us. We usually stick the getting to know you date out and try and enjoy people for who they are. Being intimate with someone is not just about being physically attractive to us it entails personality and commonality. How do we kindly tell people we are not interested?..I often get the line , "well you seemed to have a good time". I just hate hurting people but we are not going to be involved with someone just because....and what do you say when they ask a reason why..Was it what we looked like? Was it the fact...blah blah...Hope this makes sense...thanks all -r

If you figure it out let us know.

We have the same problem, you can enjoy people as friends but not be interested in swinging with them. Likewise when we have been the dumpee instead of the dumper we never had a 'great' rejection letter that made us feel good about it.

[bear_and_babe]

It is very hard to turn someone down without making them feel bad. We also struggle with what to say. The only thing we have come up with that is the truth and something that people really can't argue with is, "Sorry, but we just don't feel that we have a sexual spark". And depending if we like the couple, we might say something to the fact that we really like them, but we just need that spark that is missing. Then again, any rejection is going to hurt.

[2jersey]

Hi all...Hubby and I are the type that need a getting to know you stage prior to intimacy. We are considered attractive, intelligent and humorous. Upon meeting us most people want to meet a second time. This is not always the case for us. We usually stick the getting to know you date out and try and enjoy people for who they are. Being intimate with someone is not just about being physically attractive to us it entails personality and commonality. How do we kindly tell people we are not interested?..I often get the line , "well you seemed to have a good time". I just hate hurting people but we are not going to be involved with someone just because....and what do you say when they ask a reason why..Was it what we looked like? Was it the fact...blah blah...Hope this makes sense...thanks all -r

We like the question - particularly because it is the kind of question that only well-mannered people ponder - and we like well-mannered people.

In the scenario you describe, you have already met the couple one time, but choose not to pursue a relationship. We've been in this situation a few times - and we always try to be polite and sensitive with our rejection note.

Here is a recent example of a note we sent to a couple:

If we were to apply purely objective standards, we would be dying to see you again. The two of you are attractive, charming and fun. Unfortunately, sexual chemistry is a very subjective thing, and the overall level of attraction is just not strong enough for us to want to pursue a relationship at the present time. We’re very sorry.

We've had other instances in which we chosen to be less flattering, but we are always as gentle as possible. And we always try to emphasize the idea that attraction is subjective - we are selective, and the 'it factor' (chemistry) is something that we can't fully explain - it just is...

[Alura]

I doubt it's possible to turn a couple down (if they are interested) without hurting their feelings. Half-assed excuses only worsen the matter.

In some cases, though, a turn-down, rather than a painful experience, can be a relief, especially if the rejectee senses shallowness.

If a couple finds they're are turning down a lot of people, they might reevalute their reasons. Perhaps the winner in the situation is the rejected couple.

When we've not felt good about a couple, we've assured them the problem lies with us, not them. "For personal reasons, which have to do with us, not you, we not going to be able to pursue the friendship."

Mr. Alura

[Amanda69]

If we were to apply purely objective standards, we would be dying to see you again. The two of you are attractive, charming and fun. Unfortunately, sexual chemistry is a very subjective thing, and the overall level of attraction is just not strong enough for us to want to pursue a relationship at the present time. We’re very sorry.

That is a very nice way to put things. As said previously there is no real easy way but the best thing to do is not prolong things. If you are not interested in that way don't stretch it out tell them sooner rather than later.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi all...Hubby and I are the type that need a getting to know you stage prior to intimacy. We are considered attractive, intelligent and humorous. Upon meeting us most people want to meet a second time. This is not always the case for us. We usually stick the getting to know you date out and try and enjoy people for who they are. Being intimate with someone is not just about being physically attractive to us it entails personality and commonality. How do we kindly tell people we are not interested?..I often get the line , "well you seemed to have a good time". I just hate hurting people but we are not going to be involved with someone just because....and what do you say when they ask a reason why..Was it what we looked like? Was it the fact...blah blah...Hope this makes sense...thanks all -r

Hi appleblossoms, I relate to your post. We can and do have a very nice, fun time meeting a couple for the first time, but still not necessarily feel like moving forward in a sexual direction with them. So when they ask, "well, you seemed to have a good time?", that's like assuming a social good time always leads to sex. Not a real smart way for them to think of it. They need to have a more flexible attitude about first meetings.

Another point is that it doesn't have everything to do with physical attraction, either. The last time we met a new couple and after the first date we didn't want to move forward, they were one of the most physically attractive couples we'd met. We just didn't connect with them. There were several reasons that were subtle "red flags", and pushiness, a bigger red flag.

When people don't accept the initial, kind "no thanks" letter but keep prodding to know your reasons why you don't want to have sex with them, we don't go there. This last couple started badgering for details why in an email. We didn't bite. Then, he started IMing to question us. That pushiness was showing - he wanted his way and "wasn't going to leave without a fight". We just had to put them on "ignore" after that.

In the Lifestyle, people just have to grow a thicker skin and learn to be cool with the fact that they're not going to be everybody's piece of cake. It's not your job or mine to teach them that.

But, we're always very polite, and we sandwich our "rejection" with genuine compliments. We also always wish them well. We think that's the best we can do. I think a nice note is MUCH better than just suddenly ignoring people with no explanation after you've met, which is what some people would do. That's just downright rude, to me. Unless a person is a total creep and has crossed a major line. That would be different, of course.

[Chicup]

When people don't accept the initial, kind "no thanks" letter but keep prodding to know your reasons why you don't want to have sex with them, we don't go there.

We've never asked and never been asked 'why', but as a believer in self improvement this is really the one question I WOULD want to know.

We just redid pictures on our profile, and I wanted to add a few from our last vacation. I didn't know where they were stored and I did a .jpg search to find them and ran into some pictures we took about a year and a half ago for our profile.



If someone sent us our pictures from then as a couple I'd have said we weren't interested. We have really worked on our health/apperances starting last year about this time and boy what a difference a year makes. While typing this the Mrs. just walked in and being nosey read it, and agreed we wouldn't have met ourselves. So physically we have greatly improved (I wonder if next year we wouldn't meet with this years self but I dont' think any changes in the future will be that drastic).

This is of course the purely physical part of the equation, and improving it is easy if you want to try. It would be nice if we knew where we were screwing up on the personality side too but I think thats just going to be trial and error.

[2jersey]

... We have really worked on our health/apperances starting last year about this time and boy what a difference a year makes...

So, time to start sharing yourselves with the world - break's over...

[bill&sabrina]

Honesty is always the best policy, not brutal honesty though. We know we aren't attractive to everyone. We just want to hear the truth. Not that because we went to Church together it would be weird to have sex with you. Which we heard because we contacted a couple that I(Bill), and the female went to church together 15 years ago. It hurt our feelings that she made up an excuse rather than to just say they weren't interested.

[Chicup]

So, time to start sharing yourselves with the world - break's over...

Heh, all of our face pictures are private and the front page is a cliche shot of only Mrs. Chicup sans face (she spent a bit of time last night finding the 'right' way to block the face without looking bad/freeky)

On a total tangent here, we once saw a profile that had the heads REMOVED from a picture. Mind you I'm not talking just deleted but the sky behind them was replaced I'll assume with photo shop (or they were really headless). It was rather un-nerving.

[NandTfromCA]

We have only had to blatantly turn down a few couples. NO, not just because we are such sluts but because of a number of other factors. By the time we meet, we have seen a picture of them to know that they are attractive. We have also exchanged email and at least the ladies have spoken on the phone...we have only missed that step a couple times and learned a lesson each time. Then, when we are in person, if we realize they aren’t what we had hoped, we are nice but also provide subtle clues that it’s not going to happen (being nice and having fun but not flirting, saying things like “maybe we’ll see you around” towards the end of the meeting, etc).

If they follow up about another meeting, we typically complement them on whatever we can but let them know that the chemistry isn’t there. We also let them know that if we see them out at a local dance club or off-premise club we would certainly like to say "hi".

We have only been asked “why” once. The couple let us know that we were the 3rd couple in a row to tell them that there was no chemistry. In that case, we gave them some detail since we felt they really wanted and needed some constructive advice. We hope it helped…they seemed to be appreciative, and actually adjusted their profile to reflect their personalities better.

[WesternSwing]

On a total tangent here, we once saw a profile that had the heads REMOVED from a picture. Mind you I'm not talking just deleted but the sky behind them was replaced I'll assume with photo shop (or they were really headless). It was rather un-nerving.

Did their profile place them in Sleepy Hollow?

[blondie77]

Well I agree with most here that you should tell them something...but how honest can a person be and still keep in mind a persons feelings? For example, I was in contact with a lady and we'd send emails and even talked on the phone a few times. She told me all about her appearance but wouldn't send a picture (that in itself should've been a red flag), but naively I thought she sounded nice enough so we agreed to meet. Now, I'm not saying hubby and I are barbie dolls and we certainly don't expect our lady friends to be centerfolds...but...this gal was the exact opposite of what she described herself to be. I kept wondering if we were even talking to the same person. She was nice enough, but we were not at all physically attracted to her. Perhaps if she'd been more upfront and honest about it.....but well, I digress. After that meeting she wanted to meet again. I had no idea what to say! I didn't want to insult her as it seemed in her quieries that she was becoming offended that we weren't making plans. Instead of telling her the truth, I told her that hubby and I were taking a break from the lifestyle for personal reasons but we wished her the best in her search. I hope I don't get slammed for that....but in my opinion I felt it was better to say that than the truth. This was a really interesting post appleblossom! Really got me thinking about all this. I wonder if anyone else has lied (little white lies or whatnot) to spare someone's feelings? Just my 2 cents.

[appleblossoms20]

Yes Blondie77 I have lied and I hate that. We have one couple that we both liked a lot. They are attractive, intelligent and out going....the out going part is the problem....how do you tell someone "you are just too busy in the lifestyle for us". We do not like meet and greets for an hour and then to hop into bed....I am sorry that does not work for us.

In one instance I really liked the wife and said I wanted a girl girl thing and then I was placed in a situation where the husband wanted to partake and I was not attracted to him. For clarification attraction is NOT just physical that I am talking about it is personality as well. I really tried to like this man but why should I do such a thing when I normally would not be attracted to him...how do you tell someone there is a flaw in their personality that rubs you the wrong way? Then they ask you well you seemed to lke us.......and I skirt the issue instead of being honest. Maybe one of the posters are right and most couples develop a thick skin....I just have difficulty hurting others regardless of the issue but I am developing a plan and hopefully we will learn in a tactful way how not to hurt someone when not interested regardless of the reason... Thanks for all the help....-r