Scared and Feeling Like I'm Not Enough

[curious2you2]

We are totally new in this whole world, well not really "in" the swing world... and really don't know if we can hand it. Hubby is keen in trying this all out... but I'm feeling as if im not satifing his needs, he says I am! We are happily married for 20 years. Our sex life is really good, we have grown alot over the years. I'm feeling really afraid and at the sametime wanting to be open to him. Anyway, feeling lots of emotions even in discussions and we have not even acted... also feel as if I might be totally jealious. Woow, now isn't that a great hello! Thanks for your ear and comments.

[AmyNGreg]

Hey Curious!

You guys should take it nice and slow. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and be sure to talk all about it.

In my case, my wife brought the subject up and I was a little worried at first that I wasn't giving her a satisfying experience in bed, but the more I thought about it and the more we talked about it, I'd relaized that this was a side of her that was always there, but she was worried that I'd feel differently about it and never told me.

It turns out that it really livened up our sex life JUST talking about it. We talked about our fantasies, what I wanted to see her do, what she wanted to see me do and then we sort of came up with a list of things we BOTH wanted and moved on from there.

If you both feel that you have a secure relationship, then you'll probably have a great time. If there are problems in the relationship, either with trust or jealousy, I'd recommend a LOT of talking between you before you make a decision. The most important thing of all is to do it for yourself and not for anyone else. If you won't feel comfortable doing it, it won't be fun for anyone involved.

-Greg

[HappyPeople]

Since you have been happily married for 20 years and have a great sex life, I'd say that you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Take it slow, you don't have to jump right in... You can take your time, have sexy talk about it, maybe go to a club and watch or just play with your own partner - that alone can add much spice to an already spicey marriage.

Swinging isn't a black and white, you're in or you're out type of thing. Many couples stop at having only foreplay with another couple or having sex with thier own partner in the presence of another couple. Basically, you can do what is right for you at the time and take it as slow as you want to.

[intuition897]

We are totally new in this whole world, well not really "in" the swing world... and really don't know if we can hand it. Hubby is keen in trying this all out... but I'm feeling as if im not satifing his needs, he says I am! We are happily married for 20 years. Our sex life is really good, we have grown alot over the years. I'm feeling really afraid and at the sametime wanting to be open to him. Anyway, feeling lots of emotions even in discussions and we have not even acted... also feel as if I might be totally jealious. Woow, now isn't that a great hello! Thanks for your ear and comments.

On the contrary, I think it's a very good intro!

As HappyPeople and Amy&Greg suggested, just slow down and take a deep breath. Your concerns are extremely common among new swingers (affectionately termed "newbies") and although they take time and effort to overcome, the rewards are very worth it. At least we think so.

You two already have some of the characteristics that make you ideal candidates for swinging. For example, your relationship has a good, long history, you have an already-great sex life, you want very much to be open with one another, you're having in-depth emotional conversations (which is GREAT!)... It sounds like you both love one another very much and value your relationship. If you haven't done much reading up yet on swingers, you might find it surprising just how highly we value marriages and other long-term relationships. I think you're a lot less likely to lose your husband to one of us than to someone from the "vanilla" (AKA non-swinger) world, because we have what someone here called a sort of honour code. The primary relationships (your own marriage, and the marriages of others) are sacred and are to be respected. Anyone who does not respect the emotional boundaries of a marriage very quickly loses playmates, trust AND respect.

As far as your concerns about satisfying your husband go, I understand them completely. I felt exactly the same way. When he confessed that he had a fantasy of seeing me having sex with another man, I was a little freaked out. I thought he didn't care about me, didn't value me. PLUS if I had sex with another man (which I had no interest in initially), to be fair it would mean he should be able to have sex with another woman, and I was NOT ready for that. Rest assured that you are fully able to satisfy him; he's just curious. And be honest, aren't you just a little curious about what having sex with other partners would be like after being monogamous for so long? It doesn't take away from your love for each other to recognize sexual desire outside of one another. Once you can successfully separate love from sex and see it for what it is, you'll be able to fully enjoy one another's sexuality without hinging the success or demise of your relationship on it. That's probably one of the most amazing things I've learned: sex is like the tail on the dog; you're not supposed to let the tail wag the dog.

It took us a long time, a lot of talking and a lot of trust to get to where we are. But it's all been a good adventure. We've learned so much, not only about each other, but about ourselves.

So, we bid you a warm Welcome, and hope that you post often!

[sereneiders]

It called my attention what you said, about feeling you're not being able to satisfy him, thus swinging would be a way for him to get the satisfaction you feel you cannot provide... and then you say you might feel jealous, which is basically the same, because jealous is the emotional response against your own insecurity.

I think you have to talk a lot about this with your hubby, dig deep in the motivations leading to your insecurity, or you may risk to end up watching the swinger experience you may have with this color glasses, finding out something (anything) able to reasure your insecurity.

Related to this, you said "hubby is keen", and not that you two were keen, and I am not sure that you two are in the same page. If you feel unable to satisfy him enoguh after 20 years, you may feel compelled to do this as if you were "paying a debt". From you words, it seems you wouldn't be the one bringing up the swinging subject.

In the other hand, this may not be a big deal and you two may find an easy way to reasure you, so I'd slow down a bit and start talking.

Your hubby must understand your feelings and how risky this is for your emotional health, and it seems you need more than his words to avoid this risk. If he's so keen that he cannot stop and take a look at what happens to you, I'd say this is a bad idea.

It would be good to hear your hubby oppinions and hear his comments about this, why don't you invite him to participate in the forum?

[She_n_Jaybee]

My (Jaybee) first real introduction to the swing clubs came from a couple that had just met my girlfriend online. I'll call them Bill & Betty. They had a 30 year marriage, kids grown and a worn out sex life. Bill started chatting online, got interested in other women, wanted to go to a swing club. Reluctantly, Betty agreed. Her first few trips were quite upsetting and traumatic. She was bothered by jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and the "moral code" she had lived with for over 50 years. Up to this point all Bill had done was look and flirt. At this point in their lives, a divorce was lurking on the horizon. But Betty decided to try what Bill wanted, and try she did. After a month or so, she realized that instead of the 3-4 times a year she had gotten used to, they were now having some of the best sex of their lives a few times a week. She started to let go of the jealousy. They added Friday to their nights at the swing club (when single men were allowed in). Suddenly, she finds herself being asked to dance by men half her age. She starts feeling better about herself and relaxes some more. Within 6 months they were making love with each other exclusively 7-10 times a week and starting to play with other couples. Nearly 10 years have passed since then. They are still going strong, extremely active swingers and look 10 years younger than when I first met them. My advice, take small steps, keep in mind that this is adding to the marriage, not taking away from it.

Live, love, share and enjoy!

[Alura]

I'll ring that "y'all are perfect candidates..." bell again, Curious2you2! I'd encourage y'all to explore more. Start by reading threads on this board that are interesting. I'd also encourage both of you to keep posting on this board with your thoughts on the issues. There are strong contributors here who haven't had their first experience yet. Will both you and your husband be posting?

We'd suggest finding another couple to introduce y'all. Get to know them first, including sharing some of your misgivings about the sport. Make sure they understand that you want to go slowly.

I think our best "intro" to a couple was the second folks we played with. We found them through an ad in a swingers magazine and went to dinner. We talked a lot about swinging, our likes, dislikes, goals... After dinner we sat in their camper and made out with each other's mate. There was some petting along with the kissing. Both couples went home and "fucked like bunnies!" About midnight the phone rang while Mrs. Alura was giving me head to get a second round going. It was our friends.

"Are y'all wishing we'd gone ahead and jumped in bed? We've been having sex ever since we left you. I got head all the way home! We're still not finished!" said Mr. Playmate.

"Yeah, it's been pretty hot here, too." I said.

"Let me talk to him," said Mrs. Alura. She took the phone and made loud slurping noises while she sucked me.

"I wish that was my cock you're sucking," Mr. Playmate told her.

'Me, too." she replied. "It'll probably happen soon," she said.

It did. The following Saturday, after dinner, in their camper. Making out and oral sex was the menu for the next times we met until everybody felt comfortable with intercourse.

We played with the Playmates for many years.

Good luck!

Mr. Alura

[WesternSwing]

Welcome curious2you2! Glad you found us. There is allot of great information here about the Lifestyle. Start at the Swinger Advice section where you'll find answers to the most commonly asked questions. From there the folk on this board are a great source of info.

You're not unusual in your response that maybe you are not "enough" or "don't satisfy" your spouses needs. This is really a common response when one person brings-up the idea of swinging to the other. I think everyone here would tell you that is so not the case, that the best sex they have is with their spouse, and that the reason we do swing is because our sex life together is great, we are comfortable with it and the love and trust of our spouse, and we want to explore more together. I've always said that some fantasies just take more then two people to fulfill.

It's great that you are at least talking about it. Whether or not you actually ever do swing, the fact that you can talk about it shows a level of trust in your relationship many will never, ever know. Imagine all those poor people that can't be that open with the one person in the world they should be able to.

I know a woman who recently found out her boyfriend of several years has a profile on alt.com (the bdsm lifestyle dating site). He never told her he was into bondage and such! And the kicker? She is totally up for it! He doesn't have that kind of trust in her that she won't think he's weird and leave him, so he tries to fulfill his fantasies behind her back, when all the while she is more then willing to explore them with him. It sounds like you and your hubby are far beyond those kinds of silly games.

From here, just read, learn, and talk to each other. You may want to explore it more, or you may not. Some fantasies are better left as just that. But if you decide to explore a bit, remember you always go at the pace of the slowest one. Wade in the shallow end before jumping into the deep. Find where and how you are comfortable. Mrs. WS and I have come along way in the past two years and it's been just because of that. Taking it slowly and discussing everything.

Let us know if you have any questions.

Mr. WS

[curious2you2]

Thank you sooooo much for your information and encouragement. We will read this together and post questions/fears/joys! With you as we journey along.. tks again..

We were somewhat taken back to receive in private mail a message from a member which said, "I have long wanted my wife to be with another man. It hugely aroused me. Recently after much talking she kissed a guy but didn't go any futher.I wasn't there, that was the plan, but what I thought I wanted I realised I just couldn't handle. I regret it all. It has thrown up loads of pain, hurt, problems that weren't there before. This might not happen for you. But if it's not what you want or NEED I'd leave it alone and let your husband know in no uncertain terms. If it ain't broke...don't fix it! However if it might be what you want....either way...good luck!"

Johnuk

Anyway, tks again..

[LikeMinds321]

Thank you sooooo much for your information and encouragement. We will read this together and post questions/fears/joys! With you as we journey along.. tks again..

We were somewhat taken back to receive in private mail a message from a member which said, "I have long wanted my wife to be with another man. It hugely aroused me. Recently after much talking she kissed a guy but didn't go any futher.I wasn't there, that was the plan, but what I thought I wanted I realised I just couldn't handle. I regret it all. It has thrown up loads of pain, hurt, problems that weren't there before. This might not happen for you. But if it's not what you want or NEED I'd leave it alone and let your husband know in no uncertain terms. If it ain't broke...don't fix it! However if it might be what you want....either way...good luck!"

Johnuk

Anyway, tks again..

To give you a better perspective on Johnuk's unique situation you probably should read his recent thread. You can find it here .

LM

[troubadour]

There is nothing that says you have to jump right in with both feet into full bore, different room no-holds-barred swapping. If you are both open to the idea and have discussed your boundaries and comfort zones, go to a off-premise club and just hang around some frisky people in a relaxed setting and see how you feel and where it leads. If possible, go on a vacation to a swing-friendly resort and you'll find out what you are mutually comfortable with in an atmosphere where chances are you will not be pressured and will be accepted whatever level of comfort you have. Even if you find swapping on any level is not for you, you'll probably have a great time with each other. And that is not a bad thing, either.

[sereneiders]

We were somewhat taken back to receive in private mail a message from a member which said, "I have long wanted my wife to be with another man. It hugely aroused me. Recently after much talking she kissed a guy but didn't go any futher.I wasn't there, that was the plan, but what I thought I wanted I realised I just couldn't handle. I regret it all. It has thrown up loads of pain, hurt, problems that weren't there before. This might not happen for you. But if it's not what you want or NEED I'd leave it alone and let your husband know in no uncertain terms. If it ain't broke...don't fix it! However if it might be what you want....either way...good luck!"

Johnuk

I'd follow LikeMinds321 advice and read JohnUK thread. I believe he is not in a position to provide advice to you two, because he is hurt by an experience he engaged his wife into, in an scenario that would be unacceptable for most swingers, without seeking for lifestlylers advice beforehand as you're doing, since we would have been advicing him NOT to do what he did and he could have prevented the harm.

Here we have an expression, something like "who burns himself with milk, cries when watching a cow", and it's precicelly this what leaded JohnUK to "advice" you against (his weak view of) swinging. Just he forgot to say he pushed her wife so badly that she agreeded only if she knew previously the guy, doing a private encouter without his presense (instead of the MFM he was talking her into), and this guy was her ex. That isn't "swinging", and clearly it is not your case.

Among the members who answered you, I was the one expressing more doubts about your particular situation from what you said, doubts that MAY lead to advice you against swinging (or MAY not), but I need to point out I enfatically disagree with JohnUK advice.

Instead what I said is that you need to talk and clarify some issues BEFORE giving this a try, moreover, that it would be a good idea to talk and clarify these issues even if you decide later not to give it a try.

Whatever you end up doing or not, I encourage you (and again, your hubby) to participate in the thread, read on about other's experiences, express your doubts and fears in more detail, and find out what others have to say about them. We didn't born being swingers, we had a proccess and I am sure several of us had similar issues along the way. Even if you decide not to swing, I am sure you two will find out usefull and healthy the feedback you'll got from this forum.

[LOL_OMG]

Curious2,

I felt exactly the same way when my hubby brought it up a few years ago. We still haven't even swapped with another couple, but have made small steps in the swinging world and have loved the road we've travelled.

Just the fact that you are able to talk and consider this is wonderful in itself. Grow together, as far or as little as you want to....and your life will be that much more enriched.

Mrs LOL

[curious2you2]

Both Jessica (I am using fictious names!) and I have read and considered your many wonderful and up front comments. They were all very informative and useful even out side the considerations of sharing couples. Good honest communication is basic to all relationships. As one of you suggested, the male in this relationship might like to post as well, so here I am. :-)
Ok, which of you couples will be coming to Prince Edward Island so we could chat in person!? You seem like very nice people. We will buy your meal but can’t offer anything beyond that at this point! :-). One of the challenges in meeting to chat with people on this small Island, is keeping everything private! Both Jessica and I are in very public jobs and have friends that would never admit to understanding our interests!
I am the guilty one who opened the can of “emotional worms” when I began “thinking aloud” about sharing with other couples. (I want all to understand that I am madly in love with Jessica and I have no desire to live the rest of my life with anyone else other than her. We both feel the same.) It is fair to say that I do have a higher sex drive than Jes, and that I am probably more risky about being out there with trying new things — I guess it’s a personality trait. Jes has explained our personalities as: I’m like a kite, and she is like a flower. In my opinion both have great worth and the world would not be complete without the other! It’s good to have one who is grounded — but not too grounded! And its good to have one who is in the air ---- but not totally detached from the others who you are sharing life with.
I began the process of considering sharing by making suggesting rather than coming straight out with my thoughts (insecurity here I guess) — and finally decided that to e-mail Jes was the best way to start the conversation. It was met with much emotional response — lots of tears but we have been chatting more with lots of questions being asked. The discussion (even if we never share) is very worth while in my opinion. Modelling good communication never goes astray whether talking about sex or who’s going to pick up the children after basket ball practise! Jess asked yesterday, “I don’t understand why you want to do this?” I actually felt it a difficult question to answer. It’s not because I do not love her or do not find her attractive — because she is very attractive: physically, intellectually, emotionally. I guess how I see sharing is adding a little extra to something that is totally awesome. I also feel that sharing means sharing ideas, and special experiences. I also would not want to do this without Jes being part of the experience. I feel I would be energized in seeing Jes play and of course I would be energized to play as well. Having said that, I would not want to share if our relationship is going to be jeopardized or the pain for Jes or myself is going to be such that there will be resentment or total confusion. On the other hand, I am also keenly aware that people need to move beyond their comfort zone to grow and with every adventure there are always fears and uncertainties. But in a healthy process of change and discovery, facing deep seated fears and uncertainties is quite liberating. When change can happen in a safe place and within the context of a loving relationship — real growth and closeness can result.
Its seem as if I have rambled here, but it does give an idea as to who and where we are as a couple and specifically where I am in all this. Thanks your thoughts we do find them most helpful.

[curious2you2]

Both Jessica (I am using fictious names!) and I have read and considered your many wonderful and up front comments. They were all very informative and useful even out side the considerations of sharing couples. Good honest communication is basic to all relationships. As one of you suggested, the male in this relationship might like to post as well, so here I am. :-)

Ok, which of you couples will be coming to Prince Edward Island so we could chat in person!? You seem like very nice people. We will buy your meal but can’t offer anything beyond that at this point! :-). One of the challenges in meeting to chat with people on this small Island, is keeping everything private! Both Jessica and I are in very public jobs and have friends that would never admit to understanding our interests!

I am the guilty one who opened the can of “emotional worms” when I began “thinking aloud” about sharing with other couples. (I want all to understand that I am madly in love with Jessica and I have no desire to live the rest of my life with anyone else other than her. We both feel the same.) It is fair to say that I do have a higher sex drive than Jes, and that I am probably more risky about being out there with trying new things — I guess it’s a personality trait. Jes has explained our personalities as: I’m like a kite, and she is like a flower. In my opinion both have great worth and the world would not be complete without the other! It’s good to have one who is grounded — but not too grounded! And its good to have one who is in the air ---- but not totally detached from the others who you are sharing life with.

I began the process of considering sharing by making suggesting rather than coming straight out with my thoughts (insecurity here I guess) — and finally decided that to e-mail Jes was the best way to start the conversation. It was met with much emotional response — lots of tears but we have been chatting more with lots of questions being asked. The discussion (even if we never share) is very worth while in my opinion. Modelling good communication never goes astray whether talking about sex or who’s going to pick up the children after basket ball practise! Jess asked yesterday, “I don’t understand why you want to do this?” I actually felt it a difficult question to answer. It’s not because I do not love her or do not find her attractive — because she is very attractive: physically, intellectually, emotionally. I guess how I see sharing is adding a little extra to something that is totally awesome. I also feel that sharing means sharing ideas, and special experiences. I also would not want to do this without Jes being part of the experience. I feel I would be energized in seeing Jes play and of course I would be energized to play as well. Having said that, I would not want to share if our relationship is going to be jeopardized or the pain for Jes or myself is going to be such that there will be resentment or total confusion. On the other hand, I am also keenly aware that people need to move beyond their comfort zone to grow and with every adventure there are always fears and uncertainties. But in a healthy process of change and discovery, facing deep seated fears and uncertainties is quite liberating. When change can happen in a safe place and within the context of a loving relationship — real growth and closeness can result.

Its seem as if I have rambled here, but it does give an idea as to who and where we are as a couple and specifically where I am in all this. Thanks your thoughts we do find them most helpful.