I hope someone can help me out here... I wasn't sure where to put this topic. Our 3rd of the threesome is a Single female so I thought it might be best to get advice in the singles area.
Seriously (Husband) and I are of course involved with my best friend, whom I love very much. Husband's also grown much closer to her and I think they consider themselves very good friends even w/o me... needless to say there are lots of emotions involved. Sexually, we have had several threesomes over the last few months. Now she is dating again and has met a couple of guys so far. She's been dating one guy for a month.
I understand things happen and change and you can't generally set things in stone, but it always seems to be the same thing that she will be vague and tell me about seeing a guy after the fact... last night was the same, and they did indeed have sex. I feel weird about not knowing what her plans are. For instance, she also met another guy last week for coffee (from this dating service) twice, and both times I heard about it afterward.... however, she saw him very shortly after speaking with me on the phone both times! She is often, (I observe) vague and non-committal in telling me about plans with guys. She tells me that is b/c she is spontaneous and her plans change frequently, it's hard to tell me what her plans are with a guy pretty much until she's doing them.... but I feel it's "situational" because for instance she will tell me just about anything else about her schedule, from her work to her hair appointments. Keep in mind that we talk SEVERAL times a day, every day. I observe that I am not being given information about the guys, specifially, up front.
Husband tells me it's b/c she knows I'm jealous and doesn't want to deal with it... although I feel like I am not being given a chance b/c she's never told me beforehand and seen how I would react. I am the type of person who can be blunt and open to the point of making people uncomfortable (consequently, my education/expertise is in Communications) and generally carry the attitude that everyone should be open and very communicative, especially when sex with other people (outside the three of us) is involved. For instance, we did make friends with a single guy and I was planning to see him again... however, we did consider her feelings and asked her how she felt about it before the fact, i.e., if it would bother her. To me... I would feel like I was hiding something or being deceitful if I had him over again for a night and told her after the fact--like, I wasn't sure how you'd react so I guess I'll just do it and see???
I guess what it comes down to, is that I expected the same attitude/communication when introducing a "new" partner into the three of us and was hurt when I didn't receive it. Which tells me it's not really a much of a committed, poly-type triad, and really I'm just swingin' with a bi-fem, which was not my intention or desire in being with her. If the emotions are irrelevant or "too much" coming from me, then it is obviously much deeper on my part than hers.
I expressed my discomfort with finding out after the fact to her, which she did not respond well to. Her point was, 1) I don't know what I'm going to do from one minute to the next, or how the date's going to go, so how can I know to tell you in advance, and 2) I'm not calling you to ask permission.
In speaking with both Husband and her... it was like talking to the same person! They are on the same page and I am not. What I have gathered after mulling over all conversations is that she has the right to do who and what whenever and I don't really have any grounds to ask about her sexual/emotional involvements because she is single (other than whether or not she went bareback). They both agreed that her telling me after the fact should be acceptable. However, emotionally, I just consistently feel bad when she leaves those "guy" plans out of her conversations with me and tells me afterward. Can't explain it.
I think it must be nice to be a woman involved with a married couple--much more stability and predicability. On my end, it is turning out to be nerve wracking to be involved with a single female. I guess I am taken aback b/c my level of commitment and emotional involvement by all means seems to be stronger than hers... I am just not able to be so detached. That is the SOLE reason that I experimented with the lifestyle of being poly in the first place. If I wanted to just have sex with single bi-fem and not be privy to her relationships and sex life, or a consideration thereof, I could go and do that.
Given this information, I can see that we are off in our expectations (or, apparently, I am off) and to spare myself more hurt feelings, and stress to her over feeling frustrated with me, it's best to back off for a while. I feel like, maybe if she gets into a more serious commitment with this guy and things settle down, perhaps things could be different in the future, and our understanding and commitment levels would be more compatible.
Any advice or thoughts would be most welcome... thanks in advance!