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  1. #46

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    No - in fact her molestation is buried very deep and was only brought up once- cartainly not going to rationalize or allow it as a reason- I'm just aware of it as a very real factor-

  2. #47

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    I'm going to try to back away from this thread for awhile. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When you are ready, your eyes will be opened.

    Best of luck to you Naughtycool. Try to keep some cash stashed somewhere she doesn't know about. You never know when you will come home and the locks will be changed and the bank accounts emptied.
    Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

  3. #48

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    Quote Originally Posted by curiousagain
    Be careful you are not her enabler in her behavior. By tolerating it, you very well may be. And, it may be that you are just another in a string of relationships she has thrown away with her behavior. At some point she may realize the errors of her ways and she might not. Just don't let her drag you down with her. As far as her being abused as a child, don't let her use an excuse as a reason and you shouldn't use it as a reason to allow her behavior. Anybody can rationalize a behavior.
    I agree, Curiousagain. Lots of people have had lots of crappy things happen to them, but leaning on that for the rest of your life as an excuse to run rough-shod over the people that love you is not right and won't really serve her well. To me, she acted with total disregard for you and what you felt. And what really would stick in my craw is the whole "I was going to hide that too" when confronted about the douche. (Totally aside, douches are harmful to the natural flora and fauna of the vagina and can actually introduce things that lead to a not-so-fresh feeling and should be discontinued). Sounds to me that she's not at all apologetic about hurting you, just sorry that she didn't cover her tracks well enough and got caught.

    If it were me, (which I realize it was not) it would be time to take a long, hard look at your lives together and decide if this was just a misjudgement on her part, or just the first in a long line of disappointments for you. Then I'd decide whether I wanted to live with what is, or work toward putting my life in a better situation, whether that meant working out our problems together or working them out seperately, with seperate lives. I wish you luck in your tough decisions ahead.

    "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

  4. #49

    Default Re: wife has double standard


    Your whole story somehow clarified the question. Besides that, you cannot avoid you anger and pain when telling it, and it seems to me several answers were given after being carried out by the anger you put in your writting.

    The point I'd like to make you notice is that you were the focus of her attention all the time.

    I mean, if she were properly cheating you, she could simply arrange a date with her friend for some other time, and by no means you were noticed the cheat. In such a case, on the same backgrounds, she would be indulging herself without caring of what you think, and if you find out, well, you'll certainly knew she didn't tough of you nor your marriage.

    But she forgot to hide or throw away the douche and leave it in a place were you most probaibly would find it, and later on, perhaps influenced by the alcohol, she sliped she should had to hide it better.

    I may bougth the original act could be casual and not an inconcious slip, but I donīt bought it when that happens twice in a row, so I believe both times it was, at least, an inconscious slip, if not something planned.

    Either way, it doesn't care, what it's obvious to me is that she didn't had sex to indulge herself, she did it TO you and, more important, FOR you.

    If there were no love for you, if she weren't feeling bad or unconfortable about something in your relation, if there were no feelings at all, then... she could had cheated on you and you wouldn't be noticing it.

    I believe here is a common place for both of you, a place you may try to take adventage of as to start looking for a solution WITH her.

    It seems to me both of you have your own wounds, even when none of you are able to notice the other wounds, and, even more important, it seems that both of you already had enough wounds.

    So, rasing a sword to take revenge, or just try to make her notice of your wounds, while she is wonded too and you cannot notice her wounds, wouldn't help. Someone of you two would have to give up for a moment, start looking for the other's wounds, and take care of them, for the other to do the same later, and since you're the one showing the symptom openly, I think you're the one who should have to give up first... if you're not wounded enough as to quit fighting for your marriage.

    Up to me, there is something worst than a relation breaking or a divorce, and it is to regret, to live with the nostalgies for that relation while having the doubt that you could have done something to prevent the breaking that you didn't. So, I would fight and drain every resource before giving up.

    Someone said you're married for as long as the relation can live, and you're divorced for the rest of your life.

    BTW, the lack of communication just will feed your anger and your ghosts. Facing the unkonw motivations for her acts leads you to explain the facts with your own fantasies and your worst fears. You both have to talk, if needed, get advice, look for a counselor or a common therapy, but I believe the worst you can do is to keep heating this pot with your toughts and your nightmares alone.

    I hope this to help

  5. #50

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    Quote Originally Posted by JnCC
    Actually, if you offer ANY advice that hasn't been cleared through "The Central Committee" you'll get "strong reactions"...but usually from one of only about 4 people on this board.

    But then you knew that, didn't you?

    It's the typical, Fire! Aim! Ready! response one sees in lower primates.

    My philosophy is simply this...without honesty and candor, this board, like any other, is useless as a source of information...and boring as well.

    Yea, life IS easy...IF you're a tennis shoe and don't mind being stepped on all the time.
    Ok I am calling you on this one... as my momma used to say...

    two wrongs don't make a right...

    You are above being this petty and sniping with such vehemance.

    and yes I do know... I have given the same advice ... and been equally as opposed.

    Been there done that... get it... don't sully good advice with being petty and persoanlly attacking those who hold an optomistic view.

    The more I read the guy.... the more I think you are right.

    But I don't think the fault is all hers. It is never all one person and he who hits the lawyer first and whose mind has been gone from the marriage longer... is able to devistate the person who still "thinks" they have a marriage.

    Nuff said?

  6. #51

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    Hmmm, i was just reading all this and had to comment. I know i will probably get some flak for it, but i have to. I am a woman and i don't know how many others, man or woman has been in this situation but what i am seeing is wrong. I was married for 14 years to a man who did the same thing as your wife. He used to act like it was all my fault for him cheating. I dealt with his abuse for 14 years!! They never change. It took him taking me to bed, had sex with me and while laying there with me, tell me i have to learn to co-exist with his girlfriend that i called it quits. What this woman done is disrespectful and shows no emotion for your feels what so ever. I will never let someone drag me down again like that. NO ONE should ever let anyone do that to them. Her basically daring you to find a woman, as if in her mind you can't, was all it took for me to notice the sign of abuse. No one will have you except me type BS. If you think you have a chance, seek counciling and get out of this lifestyle. I also was molested as a child and i would never use that as an excuse for that type of BS. My ex didn't help with what he did to me either but i am happy now. I have been with a wonderful man for almost 3 years now. We will be married Nov. 25th. He has actually taught me to enjoy sex and to trust. ( He's teh one who got me into swinging )I would have never dreamed of swinging with my ex, because he cheated every chance he got and acted like i should be ok with it. My fiance' has taught me that a couple who love each other, can have sex with others, on the right terms and enjoy it. That it is sex and only sex.We never do it without each other. We love each other so we respect each others feelings. We have a great sex life and i love watching him with other women because i love and trust him. When someone loves you, they would do anything and everything to keep from hurting you. Your wife doesn't seem to care. I am gonna tell you something i told a friend of mine when her husband cheated and showed no signs of guilt or feelings for her being so upset. He looked at her, while she was crying and asking why?, then turned and left without even saying sorry. Sorry is a powerful word. I told her, it is over, move on and find someone who truely loves you. If he didn't even have the love in his heart for you to see you so emotionally broken and not try to comfort you or say sorry, it is done. You cannot truely say you love someone if you can stand there and see them heart broken and not try everything in your power to right it. I learned my lesson. I should have left my ex years before but i was young and stupid. Now i have a wonderful loving man who shows me everyday how much and never wastes a minute to comfort me and say sorry if i am upset about something. This one is for life.....I trust him with my life, heart and soul. Can you say the same? If not, you need to evaluate everything everyone has said and proceed with what is right for you. Good luck with everything and i hope you get things worked out.

  7. #52

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    Annette- Thank you so much for your post- My best friend had said the same thing in that it amounts to abuse- funny thing- This past weekend we spent less time with each other than we normally do (as I am on the road for my job) and did have a wonderful Friday evening when I got home- for the most part- however-another shared weekend with non-lifestyle friends and a football game- by Sunday evening- she had gotten into a mood over my son(stuff he did at home and didn't take care of) and of course- that was my fault, too- (Another friend of mine told me that its always OUR fault!) And while she was going off on my son she came up with this- "I am having un-met needs!" -WWWhhhaaaa!!?!?!?!
    I almost burst out laughing- but- didn't - promptly turned the tv(Desperate Housewives!) off and said- Well then I'd like to find out what needs of yours are un-met, because-well- you know - I have some un-met needs, too! So- tell me, what you need-
    And so it turns out that she is tired of being home alone and handling everything with the house and my sons-(only one at home a senior and the other 20 min. away in a dorm at the college she works at)- and that we don't talk anymore
    either-and she's frustrated about this, and that, and the other thing, too-
    Ok- fine- My greatest un-met need stems from when you had your "friendship" with your single friend and its not the fact that you partied with him- but were in fact making LOVE with him- and ever since then, I have not detected any passion or desire from you for me-AND...
    every weekend since spring I have asked you when are we going to spend a weekend by ourselves, BUT- since we were boating we HAD to spend time with our boater friends EVERY weekend and since the boat has been put away- we have had something to do every weekend STILL with our boater friends and when I want to do something- YOU have something else for us to do with somebody! NOT spend time together! So you want to solve this little problem of your needs not being met? I have something we can do to meet them!-- Naturally she says "what?" and I tell her about this website called and that there is an emotional needs questionnaire that we can both fill out and actually work on this marriage and not look at problems as relationship ending issues but bumps in the road to go over together- Dammed if she didn't listen and as I am away during the week- we are both working on the questionnaire to read to each other when I get home this weekend. AND- I have started to send her e-cards from and SHE is sending replies back to me! Hmmmmm!
    On top of that our friend called (the one she had dinner with that started this situation) and wants to get together again with her- and she originally said she would as she was telling me about it beforehand (which I did ask her to do), and as of today- told me that she would rather not this time- maybe another!?!!!
    HHHmmmm again!!! On top of that- the morning that I left for work this week she said that meeting my needs would be easy- and to which I replied-"then that will make meeting your needs a lot easier-- Go figure- So I love her- she loves me- neither of us want to go anywhere down the road without each other - and we are starting to work on our marriage- babystep by babystep is better than going backward-
    So again- thank you for sharing the wisdom you learned in your past experiences with your ex and I assure you I will NOT be abused and live with less than all the passion I deserve! Its responses such as yours that help keep a persons resolve, AND taking the steps required to do so.

  8. #53

    Default Re: wife has double standard

    wow congrats ... and great work...from both of you... It is rare to hear something like this and it sure does give one hope.

    You two are the lucky ones

    Happy Holidays ( it sounds like you have allot to celebrate)


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