Wife won't swing, can I go and just watch?

[Only_Watch]

I am a married man -- 38yrs old. My wife has only been with two men her whole life -- and WILL NOT swing. She does not mind me renting porn but she would not want me having sex with another woman. So I use self-serve about 95% of the time.
I have rented just about every "Swinging" DVD I could find. I watch "Amateur" porn because it is "REAL" --meaning that the people involved are doing it for pleasure and NOT money. I still feel unsatisfied with most of it because I want to know the people involved. Info like: "Is she married and to who?", "How does she/he know the partner they are with and have they been with each other before?", and "Did she climax?" The "Screw My Wife, Please" series is my favorite because they interview them before the scene. -- This is the biggest turn on for me.
I would like to go to a swinging party or just meet a swinging couple to watch. Maybe take pictures or do the filming if they so desired it. But I do not know where to start or if anyone would want me to "just watch" in the first place. What do you think?

[Carol_Danny]

Most of the Amateur videos you watch are still done for the money. In fact, most these days are. We have seen many Amateur movies, and even produced quite a number . Most do not show what Swinging is really all about,

I doubt you will easily find a couple who will invite you along just to watch. I am not saying that it won't happen just that your chances are slim. A lot to do with Swinging has to do with honesty and involvement and you step outside the realm of Swinging when you just go and watch a couple. It then becomes a peep show

When I first saw the title for this I assumed it was a question from a couple about swinging with others but without sex. That is quite common and happens frequently. Some couples like to do same room playing next to another couple doing the same thing. They share the moments with each other and heighten the excitement with their own partner.

Carol xoxoxo

[intuition897]

Not everyone is of the same opinion as me, but I would suggest exercising caution in proceeding with ANY kind of swinging activity without your wife. That includes going to "just watch". Carol is right; single guys have a tough time trying to find couples who will play with them, and those who do tend to want the whole bowl of wax. Add to this that you aren't actually single. That you would be participating not only without your wife, but possibly (probably) without her consent. And from the way you described your situation, I get the feeling that even if she did grant you her consent, she wouldn't be happy about it. Unhappy wife=bad situation. If it were us, we wouldn't feel right about that. It wouldn't matter if you were a dead ringer for Brad Pitt, we would still decline. Sorry for the wet blanket.

Best suggestion: focus on enhancing your wife's sex life, not yours. Swinging isn't the only way to supercharge one's sex life. She's probably feeling a little alienated and inadequate due to your intense interest in swinging. Most women who do not understand what it is about allow themselves to feel these kinds of negative things, and feel that your interest in it is a direct blow to their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. After all, why else would you feel the need to screw other people unless she wasn't enough for you? This is what she is thinking. Better decide if her fears are justified or not, and let her know either way. You'll want to find ways to reassure her about how you feel about her, what vision you have for your marriage to her, and exactly what swinging means to you.

BTW, if you're thinking that swinging is about more sex (with other people) or better sex (with other people), you're going to be disappointed. I'd say on average, regularly active couples might get together with other swingers about once a month. Maybe less. It's the way that it affects your relationship with your spouse that counts.

Lotsa words here. Sorry for the longish post. Welcome to the board!

[Mareellen]

I had to add my 3 cents.

I am a rare breed, I married my first and only date. I was 14 when we met in high school. I was 16 when we started dating. I am now almost 42,our 22nd anniversary is this month, as is my birthday.
We started swinging with 3 somes more then 10 years ago. five years ago we started with couples. We love it. I enjoy the different men. It adds spice to our marriage.
I tell men that ask how to get their wife to swing,NOT to try to talk her into it.It won't work if she doesn't want to.Shorty after we got married, another couple we are friends with wanted to swap with us. Us women, said no way. My hubby kept me up until 3 am that night asking me questions.I could never in a million years could have seen myself swinging now. Maybe it's age??



Mareellen

[Chicup]

Maybe it's age??

Mareellen

I'd say its more comfort and security with your spouse. I met Mrs. Chicup when she was only 18 and we have been together ever sense. Early in our relationship I would have beaten the crap out of anyone who tried to sneak a peek at her that he shouldn't have. My roommate made a comment out of seeing her naked and it really upset me (and no I didn't hurt him heh). Turns out he was exaggerating (she used to sleep in our room in her underwear), but needless to say I was not ready for swinging.

Fast forward to present and I'm chiding her for not having a sexy enough costume for the club Halloween party we are going to.

Things change

[CA91709]

Mr. CA posting...
First off, welcome to the board Only_Watch!

From what you write it does seem that the Mrs. is bound and determined NOT to swing. Something that may help is trying to redirect yourself away from the DVDs (however entertaining they may be) and towards your wife. In my opinion, Video/DVD Porn is fine as long as a married couple watches it together. When one or the other goes off alone it can take away from a relationship. I know, because porn is an adolescent habit I never grew out of and was a problem during my first marriage and (truth be told) was one of the reasons for the divorce between my former wife and I.

I have always been glad that Mrs. CA has had the patience, and yes, persistance to drag me out of this `Porn' shell. While Mrs. CA and I haven't actually swung yet in any fashion (soft or full swap), just talking about it has greatly increased our communications. Oh Lord I love this woman!!

I'm not condemning all Porn per se. It might work well for some, all I can relate is my own personal experience. In my opinion, you should try refocusing your attention. Maybe this will open your spouse to trying new things.

Mrs. CA...
oh,honey i love you more than ever. I like the fact that you are so willing to open up to me. we are definitely moving in the right direction.

Mr, CA...
Try it, Only_Watch. Highly recommended!

[Only_Watch]

When we got married 14 years ago, she was great in the sex dept -- sometimes 3 times in one day! But over the years with some health issues, she lost some interest in sex. I treat her like a queen and tell her that I love her every day (because I really do). I do not use porn in front of her or tell her that I am unsatisfied sexually -- this would only make a bad situation worse. I have never suggested to her that I wanted to swing but a few years ago I asked one of those "what if" questions to test the water. So that is how I know that she has no interest in swinging. She has told me that I completely satisfy all her needs but she is unwilling and in some cases unable to satisfy me.
I have planned a romantic vacation in Las Vegas on the Oct 9th. I buy her gifts and show her that she is very important to me. She knows that she is loved and has told me multiple times that she is sorry for her lack of interest in sex. This might just be a situation without real solution.

[txduo2000]

Has she visited a doctor to determine if her lack of sexual desire is from medical causes?

I only ask this because when my husband is very attentive to me, buying me gifts, telling me he loves me and how great he thinks I am and how happy he is with me, solidifying and confirming his love for me on a regular basis, I am even more sexually heightened, as I believe most women are.

If you are doing all these things as you say you are, and she has had health problems, perhaps her lack of desire is medical, especially since she recognizes it enough to apologize to you for it.

I am sure that most people do go through periods where their desires are not as strong as other times ... I do. But if hers is a long-lasting period then it might be time to seek out medical intervention.

[Only_Watch]

She is under the care of 3 doctors. She suffers from a herniated disc in her low lumbar -- So sex in any position is painful for her (She has refused the surgery option). She has allergies to most pain meds and anti-inflamitories. She also suffers from gut trouble and a malabsobtion -- So she has a very hightened gag reflex so any kind of oral sex is very limited. There is also thyrod problems in which the meds for that make her feel nausea alot. To top it all off, she turned the big "4" "0".
Don't get me wrong here -- I don't blame her for my problems. If I was in her place, sex would be the last thing I would want. Most of the time, I feel she gets intimate partly to pacify me and to a lesser extent to express physical love.
Every minute we can be together, we are together. I love sending time with her, sex or no sex. But these health issues have been going on for over 6 yrs now and I am not real sure what I should do. That is what brought me to the message board in the first place. I thank all of you for helping me sort this out. I welcome any and all opinions and suggestions.

[intuition897]

Oh man. That sucks. Sorry if any of us sounded harsh. Quite often people come here looking for a quick fix to their lagging sex lives because they're too cowardly or lazy to fix the one they should be working on - the one with their own partner. What you're talking about is a different thing altogether. Where the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I don't want to say that swinging will work for you...it very well might not. But it sounds like you're reached 'that bridge' and found that it's out. So now you're looking for alternative ways to express yourselves to one another. In our own personal experience, swinging has worked very well as a means for us to express ourselves to one another.

[CA91709]

Mr. CA posting...
Apologies, Only_Watch. I didn't realize there were other issues involved with the situation.

[Only_Watch]

No need to apologize -- I was a little unclear. I was trying to avoid a long post so I may have over simpified my situation (sorry). I am not use to communicating this way so I am bound to make some mistakes. I will try to be more clear in the future