Daughter found pics!

[fun_pairTX]

[QUOTE=lovefest04]"

My wife would have hung me by my balls and spanked me until I yelled Uncle.

QUOTE]

Are you two busy this weekend?

[lovefest04]

Are you two busy this weekend?

Depends on how big your paddles are.

[AdventurousTxM]

Of course your daughter isn't going to mention it anymore. Who would confront their mother about the possibility of her being a lesbian. By not saying anything more to your daughter, you are avoiding the issue and not helping her. Don't think she has forgotten about it. She hasn't, but a 12 year old isn't going to approach you about something so sensitive. It may be more comfortable for you, but as has been said, it will only make her imagine things that may not be true. Also, if you don't discuss it with her, she is more likely to confide in a girl friend, who may then tell her mother. Once that happens, the gossip can be devastating. When you try to hide something that has been discovered (pictures don't lie), you also risk that your daughter will eventually act out her insecurities over this which can lead to more problems. Although everyone on this board is very well intentioned, I'd go talk to a therapist to get some advice from a professional who can guide you on how to approach your daughter and what to say. Remember, you can change this from a difficult experience for both of you to one in which your daughter regains trust in you and feels that she can talk to you about anything. Tell her that you and her Dad are very much in love, that your family is secure and that what she saw will never change the fact that you both love her very, very much. And best of luck.

[Jamie&Kieth]

See a therepist ... WOW this is getting very serious, glad to know you know kids better than parents

[WildMiCouple]

By not saying anything more to your daughter, you are avoiding the issue and not helping her. Don't think she has forgotten about it. She hasn't, but a 12 year old isn't going to approach you about something so sensitive. It may be more comfortable for you, but as has been said, it will only make her imagine things that may not be true. Also, if you don't discuss it with her, she is more likely to confide in a girl friend, who may then tell her mother. Once that happens, the gossip can be devastating. When you try to hide something that has been discovered (pictures don't lie), you also risk that your daughter will eventually act out her insecurities over this which can lead to more problems. Although everyone on this board is very well intentioned, I'd go talk to a therapist to get some advice from a professional who can guide you on how to approach your daughter and what to say.

I'm just a dad who's got two teenage girls....but I gotta say, taking this to the point of a therapist is kinda extreme. Just reassure her that you and hubby really love each other. Let her see your love for her dad, and his love for you.....and she'll be fine.

Brett (and Tammy)

[AdventurousTxM]

Irrespective of whether the parents choose to see a therapist, I think they should, together, speak to their daughter and reassure her about their relationship and their love for her. To say nothing could lead to bigger issues down the road. I think everyone who has posted (including her parents) are genuinely concerned for the well being of their daughter. Hopefully, everything will work out for everyone concerned.

[SoulmatesNky]

Well, on the therapist issue... I tend to agree with AdventurousTx about the therapist idea. His actual comment was that it might be a good idea to involve a therapist in getting advice on how to approach the teenage girl. A therapist can prepare you on how to react to the child's inquiries. No one should really slight this idea since it is aquivalent to suggesting getting a trained mechanic to help diagnose a car problem. The reaction of JamieandKeith is very mainstream and understandable. We tend to view therapist and psychiatrists as 'extreme measures' to be used only when mental issues disturb life or only for those people who walk around waving their arms while shouting at an invisible Harry Truman.

Our society has a very distorted view of these professions and the idea of approaching one is scary to the average swinger. But that doesn't change the fact that they are the closest we have to professionals in relations to Mental Health and Development. I have a different view of the profession because I personally know 8 therapists and 2 psychiatrists (not including my mother) and therefore do not share the popular view of them. I find them very insightful individuals. There are a lot of free services if money is an issue and you always can choose a professional in another town to help protect identity. Any local crisis line can point the way to a family therapist working for a non-profit organization.

I am not discounting the knowledge of parents with their children. However, it takes nothing but the ability to screw to become a parent (look at these 15 year olds having children) just look at the worse of the worse to prove this point... 90% of the 860,000 cases of sexual abuse reported in 2000 were caused by a parent (sad to say that statistic is from memory from my rape crisis advocacy training).

The overriding point, this teenage girl needs to understand what is going on. We all had unspoken things with our parents i.e. sexual details that exist but is not spoken about. But this situation is not one I would leave as an unspoken item. My mother knew I masterbated.... she respected my space and except for some well chosen words about the evils of porn in general, she left me alone and indirectly through offhand comments helped me understand that it was normal and not damning. We cannot say this about the current issue relating to the teenage daughter. 1.) her mother is in sexual pictures 2.) The sexuality wasn't with her father 3.) the pictures involved 'lesbianic acts.' She quite likely has been shaken to the core and it could be testing her coping ability. Granted, we do not know how sheltered she is but we can be sure that this situation could really effect her psychosexual development. Bluntly, this is important. If left in a unspoken arena it can fester and cause her damage, or it may do nothing more but make her withdrawal from a mother she doesn't exactly trust or understand anymore.

I have been putting this situation to a lot of thought lately since I have three children of my own. Bottom line, I believe you should be preparing yourself to talking with the child in a neutral, comfortable area about this issue. Listening would be the key and really encourage her to ask questions.

Good Luck, Soulmates

[clutch]

It's a very vicious circle isn't it? You "protect" your kids from knowledge about what happens in the real world and they develop this "belief" that you are non-sexual beings. So when they discover that you really DO have sex, it shocks them. Why on earth doesn't everyone just tell their kids straight from the word "go"? What is the fear of them learning at this age instead of that age? I have heard of too many "sheltered" children who end up pregnant at 12 or 13 because they simply didn't know.

My advice on this is to simply tell your daughter the whole story. Not necessarily in minute detail but educate her. Tell her how YOU feel about it. If you don't, she will develop her own ideas and you have absolutely no control over that. So you could at least put her straight in that respect. Right now she doesn't know what to think which should not be construed as meaning that she doesn't think anything at all. She does think. But without your input, you have no idea where her thoughts are going. She saw the pictures. You can't change that. You can only change what she knows.

In principle, but not practice, I go along with Alan and Catherine. We have some friends (non-swingers--at least not with us) who's oldest son has just come into puberty. They have a wonderfully open relationship (both mom and dad) with their son about sexuality. He literally calls them to his room to show them his ever-changing new pubescent "developments." There is no shame on either side. (Nor is there any reason for there to be shame on either side).

His parents indicated to us that while they are encouraging him otherwise, they have every expectation that he is very close to having his first sex. They're simply trying to prepare him for it.

Like I said, I'm not really too sure whether this couple swings or not--given their pasts, it's entirely possible that they have a favorite couple or two--and they are very involved in their church...

We did not raise our kids this way--we ran (and sadly still do run) the ole double standard. I really like and envy the sexually healthy relationship our friends actually live and teach by example.

[CA91709]

Oh heavens, THAT had to be rough!

My wife and I always have a rule that We've used over the years with `pics'.

1. NEVER shoot above the neck.

2. NEVER shoot pics in the house, Hotel backround shots only.

Its to late now, but maybe this advice may help someone else.

[hammerit12]

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY!! Only my son was using my husbands OLD computer. We needed to pop over to my name to change a setting for their name and low and behold, there is a girl with bra and panties just spread open. Yep, me, thank god it was no face on it!! I about fell over, he was like who is that. I was like, that is what happens when you don't have parental controls, people send stuff that you accidentally get. That was that. He is 11, but it just scared the crap out of me. I have a mental note to clear out all the stuff off that stupid computer. Yikes.

[lovedoctor]

Close call for you!

[Pastor]

I found this thread searching the work EXPLAIN.

I am fearful of my wife's swinging affairs becoming known to my adult children, firends and family.

My wife has occasional affairs, and tries to keep them secret, but my wife is not a good keeper of secrets.

So I searched Children and Explain and Explaining. Perahps I would not be as fearful of discovery of my wife's swinging, if I had a better explanation for her stepping out, and my not making a big deal about it.

My wife has a short range for mental planning, and our marriage has lasted a long time, but my wife takes it day by day. So I am struggling with my own mental health, and attempting to handle it. I am now thinking of formulating some explanations, other than just denial.

[Chicup]

Perahps I would not be as fearful of discover of my wife's swining, if I had a better explanation for her stepping our, and my not making a big deal about it.

She's not swinging shes cheating, we tried to point that out to you already.

[Pastor]

Dad Forumlating Responses:


Adult Son: Dad, did you ever think that mom might be fooling around with any other man?

DAD: Your mom is sort of a closet swinger. She tries to keep her indiscretions secret, so if you could avoid letting her, or anyone else know that you suspect her, things would probably go smoother. Also, I am somewhat ashamed of not taking a strong positon on the issue of fidelity, so I would appreciate your keeping the secret for my respect and honor also. Most all families have some secrets. Some families keep secrets better than others. Let's just do the best we can. The best way to keep something unorthodox secret, is to avoid doing rebellious activities. If you ever need to talk about it again, I would prefer you catch me in private.


FRIEND: Did you ever think that your wife might be fooling around on you with another man?

PASTOR: My wife does seem to have some propensity for saying YES more than she should. I try to keep things within limits. My wife tries to keep things secret. I would appreciate it if you would speak to me, if you have any questions. To the extent you can avoid mention my wife's indiscretions to others, it would help protect her reputation. My wife does try to keep up her reputation with friends and family. Did you have an ideas for increasing fidelity in a marriage?

Ideas?

[intuition897]

OMG. I just read Pastor's post and developed a headache.