wife no longer interested in swinging

[Shoreguy67]

Hey all! i live on the jersey shore and my wife and i used to post here under a different name. so i'm not exactly a newbie.

anyway, my wife and i used to go to swing clubs but she lost interest bout 4 years ago and we haven't been back since. we never swapped but we liked to watch and be watched. along with some innocent rubbing with whatever other couples were next to us. i loved it, but like i said, she lost interest.

i miss it and i can't seem to talk her back into it. we never had a bad experience or anything, she's just stubborn like that. our sex life is still fine but i have always been wilder and more open-minded than her when it comes to things like this.

she is not bi at all! i experimented a little way back in college. i always hoped to keep my sex life fun and interesting and open to new ideas. but my wife really doesn't go for it and would probably lead to major trouble if she knew my fantasies.

i'd still like to have 3-somes or 4-somes with my wife, but that doesn't seem like it's ever gonna happen again.

so, i don't know what to do. i'm not gay by any means, just very sexual. i pretty much figure that if it feels good, do it!

my wife and i have a happy marriage, besides my sexual frustration. and i hate the thought of cheating on her. but at this point, if she doesn't want to go further and i want to keep trying new things...see, i don't know what to do.

i thought about maybe looking for another couple close by me in NJ who may be into a discreet relationship with a bi guy, but i think the guilt would probably bother me. like i said, i'm still interested in fulfilling my fantasies and exploring new thinga and it's awful to think that it's all over already at age 37! i thoght it would be interseting if i could find a married couple and even just be with the husband while the wife watches. that idea really turns me on as much as anything else.

ah, well. there it is. am i alone in this situation or what? feel free to give me your ideas, opinions and brandishments. i can take it!

[northindycpl]

IMHO, I think there is a reason that your wife lost interest, and it sounds like she hasn't shared it with you yet. I would be curious as to why she hasn't wanted to share it with you yet?

Since this is something that means so much to you, have you tried to maybe go to therapy and figure out what is going on? I would hate to see you cheat, or be unhappy, and I feel the same for her.

[Shoreguy67]

nope, nothing bad happened. believe me. she can be like that. when she loses interest insomething, it's done. she super stubborn like that. it can be a restaurant, a park, etc...

[Vespertine]

Have you shared your frustrations with her?

I don't think it would be a good idea to play alone without her permission, that could lead to further problems if your extracurricular activities were discovered.

Why not simply ask her if you can venture out on your own and explore some things.

[CB_n_Red]

That's a tough one, particularly considering how young you are. But I agree with Vespertine that going behind your wife's back wouldn't be a great idea. Yes, talk to her about your feelings. What have you got to lose by being honest with her?

Cb

[JnCC]

There are people who regard marriage almost like a "contract" that comes up for renewal every 5-10 years. Sometimes, things are going well, and the "contract" is silently renewed without changes. Other times, a couple wants to renew the contract, but one or both parties want some changes in it. (My kid's mom wanted me to join her in becoming "Born again," and I wanted her to get her face out of the pie tins and lose 50#, for instance)

If you're lucky, she'll know what changes she wants. If you're really lucky, she'll let you know what changes she wants as well. And if you're really, really lucky, whatever "middle ground" you agree upon is something you can both live with. A good therapist can help you with the answers to all this, or you can ignore the problem, and pay the lawyers later. It's your call...

I wouldn't get anybody else involved (I.E., have an affair) right now. I've been there and done that, and all it does is shift your focus away from what needs to be done to get your marriage back on track. It's like jumping a motorcycle or doing a flip off a high dive...you'll first need to believe you can do it, and then be 100% committed to doing it, for it to have any chance of success.

Yea, 37 is wayyy too young to be locked into a tits-up marriage. Good luck to you...

[Shoreguy67]

oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

[CowboynVixen]

You have to understand the difference between swinging and cheating too. If you were to begin cheating, you would no longer be a swinger and you would have a huge hard time trying to get with swingers. There would be red flags up all over you.

We wish you all the best in your decisions going forward.

[SussexCouple]

Our advise would be to get it out in the open. People are always saying communication is the most important aspect of this lifestyle. I agree with northindycpl that she hasn't told you her feelings on the subject yet. Open discussion is the only way to go.

MrSC - I have felt in the past that previous partners have 'gone along' with my interests (sexual or otherwise) on the grounds that I will lose interest in it eventually and therefore avoid confrontation by saying "no" directly to my face.

Talk about it - a frustrating relationship is worse than no relationship in our opinion.

Oh - we forgot if you feel the need to cheat - discuss those feelings or begin to think how you can both move on. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

[Vespertine]

oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

If you can't/won't communicate to your wife that you're needing a more developed sex life, and if you think it would lead to major troubles if she learned of your fantasies, then you're pretty much stuck.

[Shoreguy67]

yep, i am pretty much stuck. maybe one day an ideal situation will come up. who knows?

anyway, i'm still happy hanging around here and seeing a lot of people still enjoying the lifestyle.

[VegasLee]

oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

Since I don't personally know you I am not going to sit here and say that your marriage in in trouble but "anything like that" is a real possibility when you state "there's no way I can explain to her what I'd still like to do."

Once you can not talk to your spouse, there is "something like that" going on.

If you can not talk, you don't have a total honest relationship with anyone.

And. If you feel you are "stuck" then you really have a lot to work on besides thinking about swinging.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Since I don't personally know you I am not going to sit here and say that your marriage in in trouble but "anything like that" is a real possibility when you state "there's no way I can explain to her what I'd still like to do."

Once you can not talk to your spouse, there is "something like that" going on.

If you can not talk, you don't have a total honest relationship with anyone.

And. If you feel you are "stuck" then you really have a lot to work on besides thinking about swinging.

I have to agree with VegasLee, there is something wrong if one or both of you can't talk about your feelings, relationship, marriage. Even if she wanted to be in the lifestyle I would have to say if your communication is that bad then swinging is the wrong way to try and fix it.

Mr Spoo and I have talked about a time when maybe one of us wants to quite swinging for some reason or maybe for a health reason and we would both be okay with that. Our sex life is fantastic and exciting without swinging. So again I say if you 'need' swinging to spice up your sex life or to keep from being bored then I think you may want to consider something else to fix things with your marriage first. Most couples in the lifestyle aren't here to fix their marriage or spice up something they don't have. They are here because they do have great communication and sex and just want to add to the fun together.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Yes, I agree- VegasLee has spoken with MUCH wisdom.

[intuition897]

Shoreguy, you've received a lot of good advice here. I must agree.

If you cannot communicate your needs to your wife, you need to do some serious thinking about the state of your relationship, and why that is so impossible. It's my opinion that each person in a marriage has an obligation to let the other person know exactly what he or she needs out of that relationship. Respecting your own needs and desire for happiness is not just your right, it's your responsibility. Anything less than that is unfair to your spouse; they can't read minds, eh? My advice would be to do the 'impossible' and tell her what you are feeling and what you fear will happen if your needs are not being met.

*Keeping in mind of course that some level of compromise is always going to be necessary.

We wish you luck.