How do we talk to our wives about swinging?

[Spoomonkey]

Damn Spoomonkey, you sound like you were reading the definition of the word swinger straight from Websters.

I doubt you'll find that definition in Websters, but I appreciate the compliment

So it's okay to have sex with other people as long as you have permission?

Yes - that is the gist of what I was saying... Simplified, somewhat, but accurate.

Bottom line - I want to have carnal knowledge with another woman. Be honest, is that so fucking hard to grasp? Am I really that fucking different?

You are different in the way that you have chosen to go about it. VERY different. It has been said a hundred times around here, but it bears repeating - cheaters aren't swingers; swingers aren't cheaters.

You received some great advice in the beginning - and you found out pretty concretely that your wife wasn't interested. Most of the men on this board would have dropped it with that. Sure - they might have continued to talk about the idea here and there - but cheating would not have been an interest or an option.

Even if you are a troll, these types of threads are good for the lifestyle. They allow real couples that are in the lifestyle to voice the one constant - swinging is something that a couple does together. If more husbands were honorable in their intent, more wives would likely be comfortable with the concept.

Spoomonkey

[CB_n_Red]

As usual, Spoo is spot on right!

A short case study:

When I (male half) first thought about swinging around 5 years ago we talked about it. Red wasn't happy with the idea (mainly down to the expected problem of mentally separating love and sex) so we dropped it. The matter came up several times over the next 4 years or so, sometimes discussions begun by me and sometimes by Red. Only early this year did she decide she was ready (she had got her head around the ideas) and she wondered if I was still interested. I was and so off we went a-hunting.

Cheating, playing behind Red's back or anything remotely similar didn't come into it. Nobody can (or should try to) force anybody into swinging and emotional blackmail (of the let's do it or I'll do it alone variety) doesn't come into it either. Neither would be indicative of a relationship sound enough to even contemplate swinging.

Okay. That's my two penn'orth.

CB

[EvilMJ]

I just wanted to throw in a woman's persepective to what the men have said so adeptly. It works both ways, I was the one who brought the idea of swinging up with my husband, and I think I must have repeated around 900 or so times...if this isn't comfortable for you we don't have to do it....don't just do this because you think it would make me happy. There was a lot of talking and sharing that went on before we agreed we were okay. Boundaries, rules, what we will and will not do...it was like hammering out a contract, but it was necessary to make everyone comfortable and happy.

[sensuality]

That Sensuality is some peice of work isn't she. I wonder what her husband would have to say about all of this. I will not quote Eminem this time as it pisses Sensuality off something fierce. I probably caused her to slap her husband three times she's so angry. He's probably sitting there wondering what he did to cause her to make his face burn. Sorry Mr. Sensuality.
Shady

Actually,mr.sensuality knows all about you. And, he said exactly the same thing Julie said to you, you didn't like what everyone was saying to you and you got pissed off.And, angry isn't the word I feel for you, Mister.Disappointment, maybe And, disbelief. Yeah, it's okay to have a "carnal" need,but you want everyone to give you permission to stab your wife in the back.Not cool at all.
As for slapping my husband, if he acted like you...absolutely .But, since he doesn't, it's not even an issue .I'd rather kiss him instead

[sensuality]

[QUOTE=shadyvirgin]
That Sensuality is some peice of work isn't she.


And, thanks for the compliment, you have NO idea

[robnbarb]

Well this is some thread I must say, I have avoided it until now and all I can say is , What the fudge.

But I have one point to bring in. How was the wife approched was it "hey honey, let's have sex with our firends, it'll be fun and I enjoy it, I want her so bad." I mean wording can make a big difference in what is communicated. I mean think about that wording vs this "honey, I have a fantasy I want to make reality. I want to share it with you." Major difference but same thing (kind of).

But a quote made me think there is more to this (not exact since I am too far into the thread to go back and don't want to lose my post thus far). But it was something like he feels insecure cause she might find a bigger dick and leave as well. This was a red flag cause I think Shady my not have been drawing an analogy here, but telling the truth.

Anyway just a couple of things I noticed.

On the cheaters are swingers thing. I have to say that cheaters sneak around on each other and lie all the time. Swingers are open about what they do and who with, to the point of being in the same room in many cases.

[shadyvirgin]

Okay, who sicked Julie on me? I have seen the word "troll" several times and please beleive me I am for real. Just one of 'em old redneck boys that didn't get any pussy in high school.
Sensuality, I think I love you. We go back a long way. Don't be angry or disappointed with me. I am not a cheater. I told my wife that I love her and will never cheat on her and I would never bring the swing thing up again. I wanted her to know I was serious about it though, so if she wanted to talk about it in the future.... One can only hope.
I came here and have been as honest as I could possibly be. Yeah, I guess I was hoping to hear someone say "yeah man,I was in the same boat you were in so I just cheated on her until she came around". No one said that. I am not a bad guy so don't hate me.
I was going to contact Julie and ask her to "show me the door" like she said she would. Meaning I wanted my whole existance erased from this site. But after thinking about it all day I decided to write this instead. Besides, It would make for great entertainment.
All bullshit aside, I and everyone (if any) who had the same feelings have some great advice to take or leave. Thank you all for your thoughts and time.
Good Times - I still feel bad about the FU.
Spoomonkey - I enjoyed reading what you had to say.
Western swing, Ohio Couple, Alura, ElusiveBiFem, Julie, CBnRed, evilMJ. I wish I could remember more of your names. I will keep visiting and ckecking this post to see how many hits it gets and to look at any possible responses. Like I said before, it's probably been quite a while since you all have seen anything like me.
Thanks for everything, Shady

[DBL D]

Figures that I'd get lost in the shuffle.

Oh well...

Male D

[sensuality]

I think you may have a chance at redemption here .I loath cheaters and I am hopeful you really mean what you said to your wife.True, real love is hard to find and if you have that with your wife no amount of snatch is worth losing what you have with her.If it is meant for you guys to become swingers, it will happen.Glad to see you found some maturity throughout this whole mess!

[Spoomonkey]

I am not a cheater. I told my wife that I love her and will never cheat on her and I would never bring the swing thing up again. I wanted her to know I was serious about it though, so if she wanted to talk about it in the future.... One can only hope.

This is admirable.

I hope it works out for you.

Spoomonkey