Can Swinging help our undersexed marriage?

[mscat816]

We have had an undersexed marriage due to weight (both, me more than him) and some other problems. Gave into my dh request to try swinging which I thought was to spice up our dying sex life.

We went to a dance, found other couples that were like us, "not model types" and had a great time. I thought I made it clear that this was a "toe in the water" experience and I was not looking for a couple to have intercourse with on the first night. Later, I found out he was a little disappointed that I did not find any of the men attractive.

We haven't been back - although we intend to go again. We have not contacted the couple that expressed interest. And we are not having sex. It has been about 2 months and looks like it will stretch into our average 3 - 5 months. Should I push for another outing or what? Help!!!

[HotCoupleGnS]

My opinion- I don't think it would help. Me & my hubby went through a dry spell for different reasons. I don't thik swinging would have helped. When this period went on we took a break from swinging. I think you should fix your no sex problem between yourselves first.

We just recently fixed our problem (which was just me (female) being tired & worn out feeling form kids & everything) & our sex life is 10x hotter & spicer. Which in turn has made talking about swinging that mych more fun. We haven't actually swang yet since our little break. But we are really looking forward to the next time we do. Good luck!

[Elusive BiFem]

I'm not part of a couple, but I don't think that is necessary to respond to your comments, mscat816.

I honestly believe it would be best to focus on fixing whatever the problem is in your 'undersexed' marriage before you think about swinging. Otherwise, you may find yourself trying to stop a hemorrhage with a Band-Aid and that would not leave anyone satisfied. Also, you might find yourself being pullled into some club every time the doors open just to have some sort of sex in your marriage, and that is probably not what you (or most couples) are looking for.

You mention "weight and some other problems" as being the cause of the sexless marriage. You might want to come back here with more specific info that would allow others to offer more specific advice and suggestions and to also allow some to share their similar experiences. You mentioned that you found other couples "like us" on your recent visit to the club. That makes me think that weight isn't necessarily the biggest problem you two are trying to deal with.

Come back...this is really a friendly and helpful group and you just might learn some things to help you.

- EBF

[Alura]

Although I don't think swinging is a panacea that will cure all ills of marriage, I do believe it is possible for it to enhance and renew an interest in sex itself.

One of the attractions of swinging is that it introduces variety, in both people and techniques, into our sex lives. It has often been said that if one eats bison or lobster at every meal they will soon cease to taste good and we'll want a hot dog or something we haven't eaten in a while. Swinging adds a bit of "forbidden fruit" which can also be quite tasty.

I would suggest y'all try talking about swinging every (or maybe every-other) night for a set period of time (maybe half an hour?) when y'all go to bed. Talk about what interests you, what you might like to try, the questions you have, the whole baliwick of the sport.

Keep a record on a calendar of the times the discussions turn into love-making and share the results with us here in this forum. I, for one, would be interested in your research.

Mr. Alura

[Alura]

Oh, yeah! The weight issue. More that half of this country is overweight and it's showing up in our life-expectancy and our health care expenditures.

Y'all could do a lot for yourselves and probably your sex life by losing weight. I know our sex life has improved a lot since Mrs. Alura dropped almost fifty pounds. When I roll over at night and put my hand on that sleeker body, I'm always reminded of what a lucky man I am.

Mr. Alura

[NNJBoomers]

From that night at the club when I finally got up my courage to get naked and have sex with hubby in front of strangers, I decided that it was time to lose those extra pounds. Never have I had such excellent motivation. Of course, I did a heck of a lot of good for my health. Blood pressure was getting too high, and my energy level was to low. Now, almost 50 pounds lighter, I look and feel great. I did it all for me because..........

what matters most is how you see yourself.

Mrs. Boomer
5'3" and finally HWP

[yawanna]

Welcome mscat816 and I Dito some of what Mr. Alura told y'all.

Attending a swinger club/event could rekindle some of the sexuality between you two. You don't have to swap partners. You can just have a night out, just the two of you, in a sexually charged environment. My husband has described one club we attend as a stripper club gone wild And it's an off premise.

My personal view is that swinging aka trading partners sexually or bringing in a third is best done when the primary couple have a pretty darn good sex life with just each other to start with, in addition to the total love, trust, communication and stability that's required. So I'd suggest that be the first goal for you, an enhanced sex life with just each other, and if going to an off premise for light sexual activity can facilitate that, then do it .

Go with no expectations, agree to be only with each other, agree to talk and flirt and maybe even grope a little bit with others who you want to, have a few drinks, dance a bit - or a lot lol, and go home with each other only.

We wish you well

We do not think that swinging should be used to spice up a dead sex life. But that is just us, everyone has their own reasons.

Our sex life was extremely hot before we got into swinging, and still is.

At least 4 days a week was the norm. Now its probably 6.
But our sex life definately was not broken.

Resolve why you are not having sex first, then go out and explore.

Just our thoughts.

[Vjklander]

Might not be a bad idea to see a counselor. Most of the time when this happens it is because people think they know what the other is thinking and usually it is missing the mark and tends to add to the problem more than fix it. Yeah, been there, done that. We worked things out ourselves (with a little help from opur friends), but I think a counselor would have saved us a lot of grief.

[catinmobile]

Don't take this the wrong way, but couples like you guys are nightmares for happily swinging couples!! If you don't have sex with your soulmate, who can you possibly enjoy sex with!!!

[DuncanDoughnut]

I think that Jumping into swinging without fixing the sex issues first can cause some very serious issues and it would be a big mistake. For example:

The mind set could become:

Well, he or she say's I'm attractive, why don't you?
Or,
If you reveved up my engine like he or she does, maybe we would have sex more often
Or
you could wind up with other jealousy issues or even be tempted to stray to achieve a satisfaction that you have been missing. Let's face, to some degree or another sex is addictive. You don't want to get addictive to having it with someone else. Get addicted to your spouce!!!

Hey, I know my medifores may be old fashioned, but that's because I am a bit older. I've also been married over a decade and I'm still happy!!!

[JustAskJulie]

Honestly, I think you need to work on your own relationship before moving into swinging. Swinging should never be added to fix a relationship and based on his idea of what should have happened based on your idea... it sounds like there is more than just sexual issues at stake here.

Let me ask this tho, how is it that your weight keeps you from having sex? Is it that you don't feel attractive? Or that he doesn't find you attractive? Or that you think he doesn't find you attractive or something else entirely?