statistics - swingers vs. non-swingers marriages

[vancpl]

This question has probably been asked and answered before but could not find that in a search so thought of bringing it up again -

Have any surveys or statistics been maintained on how marriages and relationships between couples who swing and the traditional monogamous marriage compare? We read recently that nearly 55-60% of marriages in North America end up in divorce. We would suspect that swinging marriages are more stable - maybe not because of swinging per se - but because couples who swing do so only when the feel secure in their commitment. Any thoughts?

Thanks,
A & S
Vancouver BC

[L&K]

We have thought about this also, on the board here you are only going to get responses from people that are swinging?
I feel that it has opened up our communcations with each other and it has been good for our marrage. but wonder if other couples get the same results.

K.

[ionsawmill]

Originally posted by vancpl
We read recently that nearly 55-60% of marriages in North America end up in divorce.

That statistic is a little skewed, because a lot of those are people who have been married and divorced multiple times. When you look at individuals, you get a lower number.

[saranmark]

Hey that's an excellent question!

I think that perhaps one of the main contributors to divorce is the problem of infidelity. In the swinging lifestyle, I feel certain that the number of cheating spouses drastically decreases.
Maybe that would mean that swingers do, in fact, have a lower divorce rate.

It is food for thought, anyway!
SARA

[fun_pairTX]

Marriage...................I keep doin it anyway........

Mr Fun

[Brit]

Some years ago, I used to co-ordinate the paperwork for a swingers group (in the UK).

Out of 380 couples over a two year period, only two couples parted and subsequently divorced.

That is a FAR lower percentage than the average.

I suspect that there may be a number of reasons.
Probably most swinging couples are more open with each other.
Perhaps only those who have stable relationships get involved in swinging. (One hopes.)
One of the main reasons given for divorce, namely adultery, is hardly likely to apply to swinging couples, primarily because it is the betrayal of trust that does more harm than the actual adultery, and everything is out in the open with swingers. (Literally and metaphorically!)

[RMRx2]

#1 qouted reasons for divorce, at least on the legal paperwork is irreconcilable differences

ask anyone married for a long period of time and they'll tell you, there exists, in their marriage, many irreconcilable differences

there is something to be said for learning acceptance and loving who you are with as they are. trick is, both have to believe that way

with that said, I would imagine the level of communication required to be involved in the lifestyle successfully would only improve chances for a successful marriage.

I can't imagine being able to share all of my thoughts, and feelings, fantasy's, in past relationships the way I can with my partner now. Those were only things my buds, or her buds would hear at a bar over a couple of drinks,,,,,now I am with someone I can be as open and honest with as any buddy,,,,,,,that rocks!

[L&K]

This is not really where the post started , but i think it is now getting to the real point .

" we agree to disagree " was the term in a friends divorce after 26 years married, hell of a simple way to end things .

Path of least resitence , is it easier to get a divorce then solve what ever issue has came up !

There was a time when a divorced person carried a social stigma , making a divorce far less desierable then working on a problem . That too had its down side in the case of a truly bad relationship . But today i think it is simple and often the path of least resistence .

L married 25 years , together 27

[wrnakedru]

My first marriage lasted 24 years, the last 8 of which were "in the lifestyle". In homage to this new "togetherness" we were beginning, my ex felt a "clearing of the decks" was in order. He thought we should purge our past by confessing any and all indiscretions to be able to deem them "gone". I didn't have much to tell; a few "near miss" incidents that had held only passing temptation. But I think perhaps he could still be telling me stories today, if I hadn't stopped him. I would listen to some, then would ask him to stop - I couldn't hear any more for a while. I must say, I was to the point of physical illness. Feeling more duped and less like a treasured wife with every story. (He had decided to go back to the beginning of our marriage, so he could keep them in order, and be sure he was telling them all - from all the places we had lived) After the third session of listening, I ended the idea of "story time" - suggesting he just consider himself purged.
My decision to participate in lifestyle activity as his wife was one based primarily on the knowledge his activity would continue regardless. Those things I had at times wondered, or suspected, I now knew for sure. So I could either be a "part of the fun" or sit at home no longer just suspecting or wondering. I thought it might actually bring us closer together, maybe even bond us, in a way I'd hoped marriage would but now realized had been naive of me. I certainly didn't feel it could harm our marriage. And it didn't harm it. It is probably why it lasted 8 more years. I learned a lot about myself in those years. I developed confidence in myself as a female, as a woman in ways I had never considered. But after 8 years of being his "ticket" in the door, and trying to pretend it was something we were "doing together" (albeit both of us did a LOT of separate activity) - I had to acknowledge the problems that existed 8 years before were all still there. I however had learned that I could be in the middle of a very active group of folks all partying and having a grand time - and I could feel so alone, and so lonely, I thought I was gonna die from the sheer aloneness I felt. I got out to save ME from just disappearing into vapor. I vowed never never again.

I have learned the difference is the marriage partner, and the relationship that is shared. The esteem and respect one feels for the other, and the trust that has built and been earned.

Some marriages in the lifestyle continue because their lifestyle activities are desirable to both to continue. They have friends, and lots of social life. And neither want it to change in the way it would without the other one still there as their partner. Not all marriages in the lifestyle are good marriages. Not all marriages NOT in the lifestyle aren't there because their relationship isn't strong enough for it.

The reasons for being in it, not being in it, staying together or divorcing are as unique and individual as each of the people involved.

[L&K]

WRNAKEDRU

I dont hink you could hit the nail on the head any harder then that .

I only know what i saw , wifes being a " ticket in the door " was very prevelant .

If all honesty could be spoken by every one , i think there would be alot of wifes saying " i swing for the husband " that may be unfair but again , i only know what i saw .

In the end that was more or less the facts with us , i have been faithful for 25 years with a near miss here and there as you put it . but never cheated .

Its seems there was a point when the wife felt " she " needed to make sure i had other experiences to tighten things up , make sure i had no reason to wonder . Well that was the wrong reason but she buried the facts well for a short time .

In the end no harm was done to our relation ship , but i did feel like i was underestemated by her .

L

[dan_lisa696968]

I am engaged and I am secure in my relationship and I am stil lvery jelous. What if something happens to us?

[RMRx2]

I understand jealous, but for me anyway, jealous and "secure relationship" dosen't really go together, but then I have been married and divorced twice

My partner is with me because she wants to be, and I with her for the same reason. If either of us wants to move on, nothing is going to change that. She is the only one I will give or make love to. If I am attracted to someone physically, or she is attracted to someone physically, it dosent' change that,,,,,it's just human. To take it a step farther, if we touch another persons body to give or recieve pleasure or share our sexual self,,,,,,,,for us it still dosen't change that.

Both having been married before, having been through break ups and affairs we are exploring a new path for us. Communicating with each other that which is human. Sharing our thoughts and feelings about other attractions, desires and thoughts. In this way we "stuff" nothing, deny nothing of ourselves, and share everything that makes us who we are, human.

If we keep communicating honestly, and something isn't working or threatening our relationship, then we will make changes, our relationship comes first.

But for me, I am sure of myself in one thing, sex dosen't make or break a relationship by itself. A secure relationship, and jealous, to me are terms that don't go together.

Don't know if this helps.

rmrx2

[saranmark]

I don't really agree that a secure relationship cannot experience jealousy issues at times...

I think that as humans, we have an innate territorialism that will at some point in everyone's experience, raise its head. It doesn't mean that you don't have a secure relationship, it simply might mean that for a second, you just want validation that YOU are still the most important person in your mates life.

I haven't personally experienced this yet, but I am sure that I will at some point. No matter how secure my relationship is (and it is VERY secure), I am still only human.

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by saranmark
I don't really agree that a secure relationship cannot experience jealousy issues at times...

This is true, we are human and it would be natural to experience the occasional twinge of jealousy.The important thing is how you deal with the jealousy you feel.

Jesse

[RMRx2]

I have felt jealousy

I will most certainly feel jealousy again

When I do, I am not feeling secure.

When I do, I know I have work to do, either on me, with the relationship, or by making a change if need be, might be a passing concideration,,,,or something much bigger

When I am feeling secure, I don't get jealous.

The status of myself, the relationship and my partner all go towards my feelings of being secure or insecure in my relationship and hence if I might feel jealous or not

thus my thoughts on the word secure and jealous not fitting together

if I feel jealous, I am not feeling secure and I have some sorting out to do,,,that's what I have read much of, the sorting out part.

rmrx2