how do you know you are ready to swing?

[Tarnished Halo]

Ok....I KNOW that I am not ready to swing, there are too many uncomfortable scenarios to still deal with. (I am the slowest person in the world). BUT....there are days when I think , I could do this...and be excited about it. Then there are the days that I think Oh my god...what am I thinking...what the hell is wrong with us? Then the other days when I think you must all be really be totally into your genitials. So....how do I know when I am really read to swing? This isn't something that I take lightly, and to tell the truth, some of y'all scare the hell out of me. I don't ever want to get into the "sex" because someone looks attractive to me, or have my husband try to convince me to swing because he saw someone in the mall he wants to do. There just seems to be some higher goal that must be satifsfied to do this and still be able to face not only your spouse, but look in the mirror in the morning. I am not a hedinostic person, there are lots of consequences, and I am not sure that I want to pay the price of my self esteem or dignity, my marriage and realtionship, simply for him and I to get some "strange".
Can anyone give me some insight as to when I can be reasonably sure that we are doing this for the "right" reasons? I understand that the right reasons are whatever doesn't mess up our relationship, but as most sites state bluntly, sex can be quite insense (I am not sure what they are saying here), and to be totally sure that you can handle it. WELL...how can I tell?
Also...while I am on my soapbox, what does the "trust" issue mean? Trust that my husband won't become emotionally involved with the other woman? Trust that he will still love me as much today as tomorrow after he's been with her, what does this mean? Sorry to sound stupid, but until I can understand some of the terms, how can I understand some of the meanings?
Thank you all for your patience!

[St. Augustine]

(Cathy) I'm new here also. I recently told Mike (my other half) that I have fantasized about having a 3some experience with him and another female. It was hard for me to open up to him about this as I wasn't sure that it would threaten him (his masculinity that is) that I wanted to have a sexual experience with him and another woman. I did not want him to feel that this desire of mine would in any way come between us. Don't get me wrong, this isn't going to be an experience where he does her and me. This is where we have sex with another woman and with each other. We discussed thoroughly our feelings on this and how we want to approach it. We are not going to have sexual experiences separate from each other. What we do, we do together. We experience together. We have also talked about the possibility of a 3some with another man and the rule here is the same if that happens. Mike asked if I would be interested in a couple experience and though we have and are talking about it, no decisions have been made one way or the other on that yet.

Being here at this board is helping me to understand the "Lifestyle" and make sure that whatever happens, if it happens, is really what we want.

Everyone has fantasies.. sometimes putting them into reality is the hardest thing to do.

I do not know when this will happen or if this will happen, but when and if it does, I want to feel comfortable and happy with myself the next day. I want to make sure that I will have no regrets.

I find myself spending a lot of time here reading threads, some I comment on but more often than not I don't. I am gaining insight and knowledge from a lot of people that have experiences both good and bad. This will help me in the end to make the right choices for myself and Mike.

I wish you and your husband the best.. no matter what the ultimate decision is.

[CanadianCouple]

Deciding if and when to swing is a very personal decision, unique to each couple. It's like buying a new car -- sure, it's fun roaming the car lots on days when they're closed, no salemen pressuring you, and you imagine yourself sitting in that bright red sports car, imagining the neighbor's looks of envy......

....then, as your search for a vehicle becomes more serious, you talk money with the sales rep, then comes the time to sign the next four or five years of your life away.......your palms are sweaty, you ask yourself for the 100th time, are we doing the right thing?

The point is, the fantasy and reality of swinging are often quite different. Equally exciting, please don't misunderstand. But different nonetheless. You and your partner must work out any outstanding issues you may have about having sex with other people, such as same or seperate rooms, how far to go sexually (up to and including oral, or 'all the way'), whether or not to use condoms.... the list goes on.

Swinging is intensely personal. Four people are involved in a highly charged atmosphere, feeling excited and vulnerable at the same time. Prior to taking the big step, it's easy to fantasize about having sex with someone else, but don't forget, your spouse will be getting hot and sweaty with someone else too. Some degree of jealousy is normal, but do you think it will be a real problem during or after?
Some questions can only be answered by actually taking the plunge, but remember, you're not signing a binding contract. If at any time someone feels unduly uncomfortable, they have the option to terminate the session then and there, or at least ask for everyone to take a breather. If you're swinging with considerate, mature people, they'll understand.

And take this from two people who know - no matter how much you end up doing this, the butterflys never completely go away. Maybe that's a good thing.

Dan

[Yummi]

I don't think you can know for sure if it will be right for you until you experience it. My hubby & I are also very curious but apprehensive too...how will everything be afterwards, when everyone is calm & thinking more clearly? Weeelll...I am hoping to find a couple that will agree to just playing around a little first, so if the green monster shows up, we won't have actually done the deed. Hubby thinks that will be impossible - he says, "In the actual moment, are you telling me we'll just fool around & then not do anything? Yeah right!" I see his point - I think you just have to TALK TALK TALK about EVERYTHING, every possible scenario, every little feeling that you might have,etc. And if one or both of you just can't go thru with it, then oh well! You can still screw each other!!!

[thump29]

I hope this will help you some. We have been married for ten years now and we have been swingers for 7 of them. We have just recently got back into this lifestyle. We swing because it adds the extra spice to our sex life. We always swing together never seperate. Now believe me there is nothng wrong with our sex life before swinging but i will tell you now that we do swing it has brought us closer than ever. I wasnt sure at first either until I had my first experience and I dont worry about hubby falling for the other woman at all. Neither does he worry about me falling for the other guy when we do this we do everything together. I have had a bad experience before but have learned from it. I wasnt sure at first if we would stay in this lifestyle but it is something we both enjoy and its not because I or hubby see somebody that we want to do. Take your time before deciding whether to swing or not and talk with your husband. More or less if you decide to swing do it because you want to do it. Good luck and I wish you the best in finding if this is the lifestyle for you.

[BradAndJanet]

There's no reason why you have to take the plunge all at once, you know You can 'soft swing', and only take things so far, or look for an off-premise club where you can do some flirting and touching. That might be an easier introduction and allow you to sort out those feelings and emotions at a safer pace. And like Dan says, you can always say, "Stop!", at any time.

-B

[naughty A]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo
Ok....I KNOW that I am not ready to swing, there are too many uncomfortable scenarios to still deal with. (I am the slowest person in the world). BUT....there are days when I think , I could do this...and be excited about it. Then there are the days that I think Oh my god...what am I thinking...what the hell is wrong with us? Then the other days when I think you must all be really be totally into your genitials. So....how do I know when I am really read to swing? This isn't something that I take lightly, and to tell the truth, some of y'all scare the hell out of me.
Some of these people scare ME and I've been doing this eight years.

I don't ever want to get into the "sex" because someone looks attractive to me, or have my husband try to convince me to swing because he saw someone in the mall he wants to do.

Most people will tell you that there has to be a "personal" connection beyond looks before you take things further ... And looking at someone in the mall is A LONG way from wanting to DO THEM... not practical for one thing... how do you know she's even a swinger ... or into that... idle speculation provides you with a pleasant daydream/fantasy... it hurts no one.

There just seems to be some higher goal that must be satifsfied to do this and still be able to face not only your spouse, but look in the mirror in the morning. I am not a hedinostic person, there are lots of consequences, and I am not sure that I want to pay the price of my self esteem or dignity, my marriage and realtionship, simply for him and I to get some "strange".

hmmm this is a personal thing... I am hedonistic, I really like pleasure... whether it is in good food or clean sheets or sex for fun. I find swinging enhances my self esteem, I feel more attractive and witty after a pleasant evening... I don't do anything I don't want...I accept that I am doing this because I WANT TO... so dignity isn't a question... also our marriage and relationship aren't harmed by it, or after eight years would would have stopped long ago or be broken up by now... Its not perfect but the skills of communication are essential to good swinging and they do help you deal with everyday problems too.

Can anyone give me some insight as to when I can be reasonably sure that we are doing this for the "right" reasons? take it slow - talk it out before and after every step forward, take breaks from it

sex can be quite insense (I am not sure what they are saying here), and to be totally sure that you can handle it.

Intense... I think they mean the physical sensations... a really mind shattering orgasm can leave you drained... I usually only have THOSE with my spouse ... so I wouldn't know

what does the "trust" issue mean? Trust that my husband won't become emotionally involved with the other woman? Trust that he will still love me as much today as tomorrow after he's been with her, what does this mean?

Trust... hmmm... I know he won't fall in love with her or become emotionally involved because we swing together, I am there! ... and believe me it is really HARD to find someone that you connect with on a physical and mental level, similar tastes and values etc ... add that you and your spouse have a history, a past, whatever that is... events that have happened to you jointly... that bind you together... Love is not going to show up overnight...He might even love you More because now you have this new shared experience... and don't forget you still have to find a way to mesh your schedules together with the other person or couple... That can be difficult in itself. so really at most you can see a playmate once a week right? once a month or even less is closer to reality... So first you have to find someone you even want, then you have to like their personality, then all the schedules need to match so that you can get together on a semi-regular basis.

Heck, look at it this way ... lots of people cheat... do you think your husband would cheat on you ... given the opportunity... ? I'm not asking would he be tempted... but would he? If you think the answer is yes, then you don't trust him, if no then you do trust him... if you aren't sure then it is an area that needs work.

[OhioCouple]

Tarnished Halo,

Everyone has given you some excellent input. I truly understand where you are coming from. If it helps to know, I had every one one of those emotions that you are expressing here. I was so caught up in all the what if's that I began to annoy my own self. (My husband says I over analyzed it all.) The fact of the matter is, I had to come to the realization that:

1) It was "Okay" to do this.

2) Our marriage would survive it (whether swinging worked out or not)

3) I could still respect myself in the morning.

We talked about swinging for several years prior to taking the first step. We have definitely had some bumpy roads and we have made some mistakes, but all in all we have had great fun and met some great people. It turned out okay, our marriage is stronger than ever and I still wake up respecting myself every morning.

As Dan said, knowing when you are ready is different for each person. We are all unique. Some can dive right into it, others like myself need to take it slow and some never leave the fantasy stage of it, but it makes for great bedroom talk with your lover.

Don't rush yourself. And to quote Dan here:

....no matter how much you end up doing this, the butterflys never completely go away.

This hold true for us also. When meeting new people for the first time or trying something different with a couple that you have grown to know.... we still get those 'butterflys'. The difference now is that they settle down much quicker than in the beginning.

[LadyCleo]

Ok, I am a jump into the deep end kind of person. Always have been. My husband on the other hand is a thinker. I know that we shouldn't just jump right in because there are two of us to think about and issues that need to be discussed and resolved beforehand. So, how do you know when you are ready to jump in?

Are there steps that you should follow?

I know that we both need to feel comfortable with the idea and with doing it. I know that we need to really talk about what our rules are going to be. I know that we need to move as slowly as the slowest person in this marriage. Which, I think is him. Funny, huh?

What I am looking for is a road map or a checklist of things to cover so that we can avoid the pitfalls of guilt and jealousy and whatever else you fine people know about that I don't.
What would be really helpful is if someone could make a list of "these 10 things you need to talk about or know before you do it".

Anyone?
Thanks!
LC

[alabamafuntonig]

A swingers guide so to speak. Well it’s like this when are you ready to have sex with another couple or when are you comfy. It’s a hard question to answer I suppose when you both feel its time. This is a question you and hubby need to explore more.

[OhioCouple]

I went ahead and merged these two topics as the advice offered to both LadyCleo and Tarnished Halo will be of benefit to all new swingers.

[ciscosv]

My wife and I have gotten pretty freaky with others but have yet to do full swap. We fantasize about the nastiest things you could imagine but will not do 90% of them. The reason is most of them are just best kept a fantasy.

The issue for us is that we feel that we have not gotten comfortable enough with the thought of swapping with another couple. We have our limits and rules. We are not a jealous, insecure couple and have met lots of wonderful couples. The more the marrier IMO. I would say that I am two steps ahead of my wife in most aspects. But the key is to go at the pace of my wife. She is more important to me than swinging would ever be!

We are new to this lifestyle also, We have been discussing it openely and honestly, My husband casuaaly brought it up, me, I thought he was wanting someone else. I was very scared but I ask many, many questions, the whole time, thinking to myself that this lifestyle turned me on. So I ask myself why, and the reasons I came up with , I thought that it wasnt just for myself, that I wanted to see my husband with a great sexual experience. I think that the best way to describe what we fell is we both want it for both of us. And we know that we will be there for each other after its over with. Sex is sex and loving one another is something precious. Sex is fun, true love is forever. write me: Yatesparrothead@yahoo.com

[Vjklander]

When the student is ready, the Master will appear.
J