I am interested in starting, but he can't handle it

[curiousbutshy07]

Here is the situation. I am happily married, but curious. I want to try group sex or swinging. I have never done anything like that before. The problem (other than me being very shy) is that my husband goes into paranoia. He is turned on by the thought of me being with another man and is interested in watching, but within a few hours of even an online encounter just chatting about the sort, he goes into a total panic that I am going to leave him. I have no idea how to get this out of his head. I have talked to him about it hundreds of times. I have no thoughts of leaving, ever. I get aggravated because it turns him on and he talks about it some, and then he gets depressed and worried. I have thought about trying to fulfill his fantasy of me and another female (no idea how to set this up), but wonder if I should even bother. Should I just drop it all together and tell him to drop the subject when he brings it up since he can't really handle it?

[BradAndJanet]

I think he needs to get his head straight first. A lot of people love the fantasy, but the reality is different. Don't force anything.

-B

[Lovethenights]

Don't do anything until you and your husband can agree that your relationship is rock solid and unshakable. After hours or days or weeks or months of talking and sharing and being open and honest, you can, along with him, say that your relationship is maximally healthy, then you an consider starting to indulge yourself in the lifestyle, but GO SLOW. Maybe a visit to an off-premises club where you can both experience the sociability of lifestyle members and your husband can watch you interacting with other men. You can see how he reactsd and how it makes you feel to receive attention from other men who desire you. You can experiment with flirting, with men or even with other women, seeing how it makes you feel and how it maeks your husband feel. After the evening's fun, go home together (without another couple) and share your feelings and experiences of the evening. After such a night and a good open honest sharing and candid talking session, you'll both know what you need to know. It's either going to be best to leave the lifestyle as nothing but fantasy or you may want to visit the club the next weekend and make something happen!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by curiousbutshy07

Should I just drop it all together and tell him to drop the subject when he brings it up since he can't really handle it?

If you tell him to drop it when he brings it up, that would be counterproductive. The fact that he brings it up himself is a sign that he's actually interested. Not ready yet, but interested. It's what you want too, so don't shoot him down when he wants to talk about it.

Question for you: In general everyday settings, how does he react when men look at you? Do you ever dress sexy when you go out? Do you go to "regular" clubs together? Is he the kind of husband that is proud to show you off and proud that other guys are checking you out, or does he get jealous of that?

Some men are insanely jealous if guys are even looking at you. These are the guys that ask you, "Why are you wearing that?", if you look sexy. I would say that this type will never be ready for swinging. My husband is the kind that enjoys it if men are checking me out, and even tells me if they are - he's been like this since before we ever started swinging or even talking about swinging. Which kind of guy is your husband?

[Cpl2share]

Also: Caution with the Female play too. This can be a good lead in to a "swap" situation, but if he is still having a lot of jelousy issues, and fear of abandonment, thsi could also trigger a problem. "Oh my god, she is going to enjoy women as much as I do and leave me for a lesbian lover!" If you are both really interested, take it slow and like the previous poster said, work into it slowly with the flirting.

[curiousbutshy07]

He does enjoy men looking at me and seems proud, but if anyone touches me he gets mad (like an "accidental" brush on the bottom) or if they approach me and just talk he gets paranoid about me leaving him.

[lovinher]

I'm sorry but you two are not even close to the point of swinging. The best you could do IMO is to have him read this board and that could take months or even a year or two before he comes around. Don't surprised if it never happens. But don't give up yet, ya never know.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Sorry, but he loves the fantasy and then the reality dawns on him and he cannot cope. This will result in a maladaptive response from him, this is a technical way of saying when he doesn't know how to respond to his feelings, you don't know what he'll do. Sorry, this isn't for you until he resolves this intellectually before you Play.