Boyfriend wants to swing, I'm considering it

[curiouslyours]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We started on crazy ground, me getting out of a divorce (7 months) and then moved in together to the other side of the country shortly after we met. I am having a hardtime adjusting to the East Coast and finding what makes me happy. My boyfriend is a wonderful man and tries to do whatever he can to help me and support me mentally, economically and physically. Not having a job or friends and family here has made me very isolated and my boyfriend has become too big a part of my life. In the begining he had told me he was into three-somes, generaly with another female, and at first I said I would entertain the idea. Then as time went by and I became insecure because of being diplaced, and caring more about him, I said absolutely not. But now I want to make him happy and do something for him that he will enjoy and give him back some happiness as the move has been hard on us both and a little stressful.

Just two days ago I suggested we could check out a swingers club and the change in our relationship and his attitude has been a 180. The thing is I am scared to death! I think I could like it, but I'm worried about the after math and letting my insecurities get the best of me. He is a very experienced man with these sort of things and says he will go whatever way I decide and loves me regardless. But I'm afraid once we go into this, there will be no turning back and he will want it all the time. I really don't know how to prepare myself for this and I don't want to let him down. I also know to go very slow and that jealosy for me could play a huge part. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[maturemark]

Hi Curious,
starting into the lifestyle is difficult at best... It is my belief that the decession should be made on your desire and not on the wish to do it for someone else. This is a very personal choice and even for the folks who make it their choice, there are sometimes second thoughts. Take your time and when you can say...... I want to do it for me... Then do it.
Maturemark

[ShellyM]

Okay girl, jmo.

You should NOT start swinging for these reasons. I know how you feel. I was 18 years old and sent to Germany by myself, I still remember myself standing in the phone booth literally crying to my Dad on the phone that I wanted to go home. So, I know what you are feeling. You cannot start this kind of lifestyle for the reasons you have given me. Swinging is not meant to fix a relationship girl, but enhance an already strong one. You are a sweetheart, and you have a good heart. I understand you want to give back to him, and he sounds wonderful as well........BUT this will not work imo. You can only do this sort of act when you are completely into it and comfortable. Think about what you are talking about, watching your boyfriend have sex with other people. I don't know that you can handle this right now. I think you should make some friends, make your home with him. Get comfortable where you are, and get to know him in your relationship. Heal from your past relationship.

THEN talk again about swinging.
I wish you only the best of luck.

[jack smith]

im cathey don't do it for him

[prettylady]

Hey Girly,
You really need to find your bearings.
Find a job, or find a hobby that you can get invovled in and find your friends. Make roots in the area you are in. If you do swing and it does turn out bad for you. You will have that issue to compound the lost and isolated feeling you are having right now.
I am not suggesting you and your SO are having troubles in your relationship. It sounds like a lovely relationship. But can it stand the test of what you are handling now and the stress of a lifestyle you are not 100% comfortable with.
Take care of you right now. Then when that is settled start thinking about the two of you.
You said he has experience. In swinging? or just "being around the block"? If it is in the lifestyle then he SHOULD understand how things work and I would doubt that there would be "no going back".
Stick with us for awhile. We can be your friends while you make some where you live.
Ask losts of questions. Don't worry if you think they are stupid. You will be hard pressed to come up with ones more stupid then some of the whoopers I have come up with.
Look forward to seeing more of you around
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Curiouslyours,

Personally, I would not swing in your situation. For one, I wouldn't have been able to swing with a boyfriend. He would have to be my husband, which I consider to be a much more committed relationship (maybe old-fashioned, but it's how I feel). Then, my husband and I would have to have a rock-solid relationship which is very open and verrrry trusting. Next, we'd have to be going into this for the right reasons, and not to "fix" anything. For us, the right reasons would be a fun enhancement to something that's already great. I would be far more important to him, far above the swinging, and I'd be secure in knowing that - and vice versa. (The swinging would be dispensible if it didn't turn out to be the best thing for us as a couple.) I swing, because I have all of these things, but I wouldn't have done this without all of the above. Not even with my husband, before he was my husband. I was not ready then.

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

I am having a hardtime adjusting to the East Coast and finding what makes me happy. My boyfriend is a wonderful man and tries to do whatever he can to help me and support me mentally, economically and physically. Not having a job or friends and family here has made me very isolated and my boyfriend has become too big a part of my life.

I'd work on this, first. Seek a job doing something you want to do. Start getting involved in things. Make friends. No one person should be your everything. You need to have your own life too, with individual goals and purpose. We all need that to be well-rounded.

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

But now I want to make him happy and do something for him that he will enjoy and give him back some happiness as the move has been hard on us both and a little stressful.

Swinging is a big step. It's not just something you do for somebody to relieve their stress or give as a reward for him supporting you through this big move. For that, I'd suggest doing something that's special for the two of you, something to make you feel close and give you quality time, like a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast, or fix him a very romantic dinner with you in super-hot lingerie for dessert...that sort of thing. Like I said, swinging is something you do after you're on rock solid ground and feeling sure about things.

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

Just two days ago I suggested we could check out a swingers club and the change in our relationship and his attitude has been a 180.

Why did his attitude change so radically? What was his attitude before you brought up swinging? Was he seeming distant, bored, complaining or something? Swinging isn't a fix for these things.

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

He is a very experienced man with these sort of things and says he will go whatever way I decide and loves me regardless. But I'm afraid once we go into this, there will be no turning back and he will want it all the time.

If he's very experienced with swinging, I guess he was involved during a past relationship, right? And he's been hoping that your relationship would eventually include these same things? He won't stop wishing for that, he's already expressed that's what he wants in a relationship (even right after you first started dating him). There's nothing wrong with his wanting that, but it has to be something that you want just as much before you do it, or it could be disastrous for you. Yes, once you get started he will probably want to continue. In this Lifestyle, it's not about scratching an itch one time, and then going back. It's about proceeding into this together as a couple. I'm not saying that all couples who swing are doing it all the time, but most are in it with some sort of regularity that suits their schedules and their wishes. It does become a part of our lives, and you should know this before you get into it.

Stick around here and you'll learn a lot. This board is filled with a lot of caring people who've had lots of experience, and many have been where you are. Hugs!

I would also take everyone else's advise and do not swing because you want to give back something to him that you feel you need to do. You need to do what YOU want to do and if you are not sure that your ready for it, then hold off. Like Prettylady said, find a job, make new friends so that you can feel better about yourself and your surroundings first. Then once you have settled in and have become familiar with things,then see where your relationship is and go from there.

He sounds like a great guy and a keeper if he truely is wanting to go at your pace and make sure it is what you want and if not regardless he still loves you then by all means take that and embrace it. Let him know that you have thoughts of it but are not sure how you will react later. The best thing for you both to do is to continue to talk about it, be honest and open and let him know how your feeling.

What you are feeling is normal as I felt the same way. It is scary, you feel like you could hurt what amazing relationship you have and are afraid that something will go wrong and it all would be lost. I have been there and done that...But I can tell you that the lifestyle makes a relationship stronger if both of you are wanting to do this, but you BOTH have to be into wanting to do it and if at any time one of you decides to stop then you both stop.

I would suggest in not doing it until you both have talked about it, worked on getting comfortable with where your at and then if the relationship is still as stong as it is now, then by all means venture out.

You sound like a very sweet person and with the big heart you have, it will all work out. Just be patient and take it slow.

Keep us posted. You have come to the right place.

MrsVan

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

The thing is I am scared to death! I think I could like it, but I'm worried about the after math and letting my insecurities get the best of me. [You are] a very experienced man with these sort of things and [you say you] will go whatever way I decide and love me regardless. But I'm afraid once we go into this, there will be no turning back and [you] will want it all the time. I really don't know how to prepare myself for this and I don't want to let [you] down. I also know to go very slow and that jealosy for me could play a huge part. Do [you] have any thoughts on this?

Curiouslyours, print this out and read it to your boyfriend. So often it's easier to say to completely anonymous strangers the very things that need to be said the person who needs to hear them the most.

Never, never, ever do anything that makes you feel degraded or dirty...even for love. Maybe especially for the sake of love, because degrading yourself degrades the gift you are attempting to give. Do you really believe that your boyfriend wants you to destroy yourself so he can let some other woman give him an orgasm? If he really does, then maybe it would be wise to question the basis of the entire relationship. Do yourselves both a favour and understand fully what it is you are asking of one yourselves, of one another, and what it is you are hoping to get out of this experience. Make sure it's crystal clear, or you will find yourselves licking your self-inflicted wounds.

Best of luck and welcome to the board.

[curiouslyours]

WOW!! Really great comments from all who replied. I thank all of you so much!

Yes, I am going through a semi crisis at the moment with the move, careers, and the starting of this relationship. And yes, we do lots of nice things for each other like dinners, videos, trips, and such. One thing you must know is that he is an addrenaline junky (BASE jumping and sky diving). For him, sex is right up there and I feel like small beans compared to all the experience he has in the bedroom. I am younger and not as experienced as him in a lot of areas and his past makes me a little intimidated. The thing that really gets me is how difficult I have been during the relationship and he still hangs in there.

So the question is, do you think it would be a bad idea to go to a mixer and just talk with people? Flirt around with the idea or just stop dead in my tracks before I do something stupid (which I have been known to do)? I like women because of their beauty, but I don't think of them in a fantasy setting at the moment. I am more interested in pleasing my partner. The good part is he says he will love me no matter what I choose. Do you think that is possible? Or does some one who has been in this life style will always want to go back to it? Thanks again with all the good input!

[LikeMinds321]

Something that I've seen repeatedly said in varying threads is that self-confidence is what makes a woman most appealing and sexy when swinging. At this time in your life, you seem a bit low on that right now. You may find that swingers attention and attraction to you will pump you up, but you also have to consider how you will feel if you don't get the attention you hope for. That can be a big blow and could make you feel worse if you are already feeling alone in your new home without any friends, job, or support, other than from your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend is also being affected by how you feel about yourself since your move, and I think first you should get yourself back to your old self before you move into swinging.

You haven't talked about what your life together was like before the move. What draws you together? What was your relationship like before the move?

LM

Originally Posted by curiouslyours

One thing you must know is that he is an addrenaline junky (BASE jumping and sky diving). For him, sex is right up there and I feel like small beans compared to all the experience he has in the bedroom. I am younger and not as experienced as him in a lot of areas and his past makes me a little intimidated. The thing that really gets me is how difficult I have been during the relationship and he still hangs in there.

Girl!!! Go with it, and hang on to him ...Your story sounds alot like me except my situation was a little different and I did not move to another state..However, I can relate to how your feeling because although MrVan is not a addrenaline junky, he has had more experience in the bedroom than I had. So I was very intimidated by his experience and felt that I just was not living up to his past experiences as I had only been with one other person before him. However, a guy like yours and mine that will stick with you through thick and thin and even when your difficult to deal with are the ones to keep. I was actually going through a divorce when I met MrVan and I had ALOT of baggage that came along with me, and he stuck by me and got me through the most difficult times in my life and well, here I am sitting on top of the world.

So the question is, do you think it would be a bad idea to go to a mixer and just talk with people?

I think a mixer would help you socialize and make new friends, but I do not think it would be best to go with the mindset of wanting to do something or finding someone to "play" with. You already have stated that your uncomfortable as your not sure where you stand right now, so giving in and doing something that he would want is not wise. But if you both know your going together and that there will be no playing, etc then it could be a great idea to meet new people in your area.

Flirt around with the idea or just stop dead in my tracks before I do something stupid (which I have been known to do)?

Don't stop dead in your tracks but just make rules and talk, talk, talk about what you want out of this. But do NOT do it for him and only him and do not do it because you want to PLEASE him. If you hold on to this great amazing guy you will have many years to please him the way he would like...

The good part is he says he will love me no matter what I choose. Do you think that is possible? Or does some one who has been in this life style will always want to go back to it? Thanks again with all the good input!

I honestly can say that I believe it is possible for him to love you no matter what....MrVan and I are the same way and no matter when I am at my worse or things have been rough for us, we always know that no matter what our love is that strong that it will get us through anything. If he is willing to take babysteps and go at your pace then he is worth taking your time to do this with.. I think that for anyone who has been in the lifestyle and has been out for a while, may at times miss it and want to go back to it. But I think as long as your relationship is solid and strong, he won't mind at all.

Please let us know how this works out for you! You both seem really great!

MrsVan

[curiouslyours]

Thanks again for the input. My boyfriend and I only knew each other for a short time before we made the "jump". We had a strong connection from the beginning and within 2 months he accepted a job on the east coast. I felt that if I didn't go with him I would dearly regret it. We both miss California in a BIG way and are trying to figure out how to get back without a huge financial dig. He even bought a beautiful house for me just because I liked it to make the move a little easier. Even with all this stress and newness, we still love each other very much.

I am not worried about getting attention from other people. Both he and I are a good looking pair. I'm just wondering if I will be flirting with disaster at this point. It's not that he wants to be with another woman, he just wants me to. So far in our relationship he has been nothing but honest and an outright good man to me. I can't help feeling that if I just entertain the idea while I get my bearings, that that would suffice him. Any thoughts or am I headed on a slippery road to Hell?