Are we too shy to swing?

[Additude]

Well, thanks everyone for all the attention.

You know JeepGurly, it's all yours and your feelings. I can surly relate to the taking it at your own pace reference and if that's what makes you comfortable then that's also really fine and OK. There shouldn't be any pressure for you to do anything you don't want.

Be aware that not all people at the swingers events share your outlook. Many of those there are experienced and have been doing this for a number of years.

When I first started driving a car, I had to learn and I took it slow for awhile until I learned how to work the clutch, shifter, gas, steering, parallel parking and moving in reverse. But now that I've been doing it for a number of years, I just hop in the car and go without even thinking much about it.

Same as with a lot of swingers that have been doing this for years. I'm sure that if someone at that club may have made you feel they were rushing, that wasn't their intention.

They were probably just used to hopping in and giving it some gas. Who knows what you may be like after 3 or 4 years swinging experience. You might just be like them.

Be open minded, remember that your still learning to "drive" in this lifestyle and that others may do things differently for themselves than you would for yourself, without meaning any ill intent.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I do like to talk to people about what they like sexually and what we like sexually. Not in a gross way, but in ways that help us all understand what we're into and especially what we're NOT into. I don't want to leave all this to chance after we're in a sexual situation, where things could get awkward and you have to squirm away saying, "I don't do that!" So, I do like sexual conversation in that sense.

Do you and your husband also like to talk ahead of time about sexual preferences before you get into the sexual setting?

You know, I'm the same way. I think of it this way. I am going to lie down (or stand up facelick ) with this man and do the most personal act that 2 people can do with each other. So I can't talk with him about having sex? I mean, I'll put my mouth on his penis but won't ask him something because I'm embarassed? I don't understand that, but alot of people are like that. No, we are still getting to know each other, and so are asking questions yet.

[MrsVan]

Originally Posted by Mrs.PaganLovers

And as Mrs. Van said, look at how it has changed her shyness

Blessings
Mrs. PaganLovers

Mrs.Paganlovers,

It definetly has done that and I am not as shy as I use to be....Guess swinging really agrees with me.

MrsVan

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Hi JeepGurly,
Your story is EXACTLY how Laurie and I got into swinging. Like you, I'm very shy. I'd be in exactly the same boat if it weren't for my extremely outgoing wife. It sounds to me like you just haven't met the right people in the right setting.
Laurie and I have done the club thing. She does fine but it's a strain on me. I do much better doing couples dates and I assume you will too. I also LOVE small house party settings. a dozen or so couples in a quieter setting allows little groups to form. We usually drift from group to group at a house party till we find a couple we like and strike up a conversation. it works wonderfully for us.
If you can find the right couple in the right setting I'm sure you will do fine.
BTW, It's a shame you live so far from us. I looked at your SLS profile. VERY pretty bikini pics facelick

[Jack&Jill]

JeepGurly,

Let me toss in my support. Jill and I were also high school sweethearts as well as each other's firsts. We've had only one experience with a couple we met online (fantastic, btw). We attended a club with that couple, however, and found it to be a somewhat less than erotic experience. Neither of us are squeamish, nor do we feel the need to be wined and dined before hitting the hay with a couple, and we loved the open sensuality of the place, but we too felt uncomfortable with the crassness and stupidity of SOME of the people there. I'm 32, and she's a young 29. We're pretty attractive, in very good shape, and are well educated. A man who was at least 60 with an ample gut groped my wife's ass and winked at her as she was standing at the bar. Did he think he was seducing her? That she'd be turned on by him? My point is that a simple hello would go a long way: I'm Jack. You are beautiful. That's a lovely dress. What do you do? Basic human stuff. That's a much faster way into our pants than a cheesy come-on line (which they would no doubt spell C-U-M for the heightened erotic effect) or an approach that lacks intelligence or grace or charm. I don't mind, "You're a sexy couple. We've had our eye on you all night." But the liberality of the atmosphere (which we love) also opens the door for idiocy, just the way that the anonymity of the websites allows people to abrubtly stop responding to emails and disappear without so much as a goodbye or a courtesy "No longer interested." I think JeepGurly is saying that it's hard to find sensitive and intelligent souls out there, and I agree. I'm sensing that selectiveness and sensitivity are being construed here as prudishness or a misunderstanding of the Lifestyle. I disagree.

[Jeepgurly]

Do you and your husband also like to talk ahead of time about sexual preferences before you get into the sexual setting?

If we are hitting it off with the couple and I feel like thats where we're headed then at that time I feel its appropriate to bring up boundaries. I only don't appreciate it after we've only just met and I have no idea where we're headed. Why do I care what your boudaries are if I have no intention yet of sleeping with you. Lets just find out first if we're all interested, and if it feels like we're all on the same page and if the sparks are flying then lets talk about it.

I met this perfectly nice couple at the party we went to last weekend and although we weren't attracted to them we enjoyed meeting and talking to them. But what was odd was all the while we're talking to them about your average pleasantries the wife was grabbing my ass , it was so out of context and so uninvited that at first I thought I must be mistaken. Then she said they'd like to get together with us even if we don't have sex tonight, which I suppose was a compliment but to me I am wondering how I gave her the idea that was where we were headed. I don't know, I guess I just don't approach people that way and no matter how much I may change I hope I never change so much I think its ok to grope someone right after meeting them. I would never assume 2 minutes into meeting someone that it would be ok for me to grab them anywhere and it still boggles my mind. If my side stepping her wandering hand wasn't indication enough of my disinterest she had to drop that comment also. I just felt that they were very presumptious but maybe I am wrong and thats normal in swinging.


Jack and Jill thats exactly how I feel! I will talk to anybody that approaches me wether we're interested or not but a nice approach goes a long way. I was enjoying meeting the people above until the wife started groping me. After that I was disappointed because even though I wasn't interested in them, I had been eager to meet anyone - besides who knows who they could've introduced us to but after that we quickly wrapped it up and beat a hasty retreat across the room.

Be aware that not all people at the swingers events share your outlook. Many of those there are experienced and have been doing this for a number of years.

O'lord I know that! We met people there that had business cards for just this purpose, never heard of such a thing! I already realize we're a minority in how we approach things, thats where the self doubt had come in its why I wrote the post to begin with. But I think i'm over my doubt for now, we're different and I think thats a good thing for us, I don't care to be like the couples we met.

I realized at one point that when men initiated flirting with me by eye contact, I got shy and looked away. This gave the non-verbal cue that I wasn't interested, which wasn't the truth, I just was uncomfortable with flirting and didn't know how anymore!

That is so ME! I do that! Yes I need to work on it. I'm so lame. :rollseyes

Again thanks all, its good to hear differing opinions and to get some support and to know that even though we approach things differently its still possible to enjoy this lifestyle and to find others that like to be approached intelligently as well.

Thanks again

[sereneiders]

Jeepgurly,

Your post reminds me of a comment my wife made to me a couple of months ago. We started our swinging journey about 3 years ago. We was picky and shy (well, we still are). There's an issue for us that we're still trying to figure out where some boundaries are between being respectfull and fitting in when we're at the club. I mean, we're regulars at this place and most regulars appreciate us and, they even openly admited they like our respectfull ways... however, we're not the couple they pick to play with, and it often happens we end up witnessing how they chose to play with "more careless" people.

For example, I wouldn't touch a woman if I don't have a pretty explicit clue from her that it'd be ok. Even when I am crossing in the dance floor, full of a crowd of semi-naked people, I explicitly avoid uninvited contact with a woman I bump against, even when I know for sure it'd be ok for her to be touched by an unknown guy (other than me). I do raise both hands, touching her shoulders as a warn I am behind her, while slightly bending to avoid that uninvited contact. I usually get a smile in return from the couple, sometimes some amazed sight because of being that respectfull, and the implict, when not the explicit message that they appreciate how polite I am.

Feeling apreciated for the way you behave feels ok... and then you realize this way you ensure to be appreciated at the prize of losing the chances to have sex with them. This made me feel silly, and I guess the "odd" behavior you didn't expect from a couple is one they learn as usefull in this ambience to get what they want: just some fun and recreational sex. We're still learning this, and we have our share of fun, but we still have a lot to learn because we know we could have even more fun.

Back to my wife comment, at the begining she set up the minimal set of features a guy should have in order to be an elegible playmate, regarding both physical and personality aspects. Her standards were way higher than mine, so when I was there watching other couples, I avoilded to encourage couples who wouldn't fit my wife's standards. But later on, I noticed she started encouraging couples who wouldn't fit those previously stated standards, so I asked her about this, and she told me she realized this was about having fun for a while, that her previous standards were the same ones she would have in the vanilla world to date a guy, that it was a good start point, but a lot of those standards were not required if we ONLY pursue to have fun, and she started to regret setting up such a high standards that were depriving us from a lot of chances.

In the other hand, since we're up to engage in a polyamoral relationship, those standards still would apply in such an scenario.

My point is, it seems to me we all stick to what we already know and make us feel safe and confortable as the start point for what we do, and since this proven to be usefull in the vanilla world, we asume the same should work inside the lifestyle. But it doesn't work this way, in part because most of this serve the purpose of preserve and enforce the social boundaries, and among then, those boundaries forbidding us to engage in a sexual activity with someone.

In the other hand, a lot of what would be ill seen upon to those rules, isn't ill seen inside the lifestyle. I cannot tell you about the proper etiquete rules inside the lifestyle (besides the explicit ones like "no means no") allowing you to get what you want and avoid what you dislike, just because we're still trying to get it, but I know for sure they have few to do with the rules we use to follow in the vanilla world.

So, it isn't a matter of "the lifestyle isn't for us", or a matter of "we don't fit in", because those statements would be true ONLY if we want to "force" the lifestyle to follow those vanilla rules.

I'd suggest you to try to relax and find out where to losen up a bit your previous standards, without feeling so unconfortable (or focusing on how unconfortable you feel), step by step. Forget about your main goal of finding a switable couple to have sex with, at least for a while, and set up the objective of just fit in and feel confortable in the environment. You shouldn't feel pressed to have sex, and if you plan just to socialize, you may be able to find a place you feel confortable enough. Enjoy that place, enjoy allowing yourself to relax without having to follow the high standards you'd still have in the vanilla world, since I believe this is what will allow you to meet your original goals without all of this pain.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Back to my wife comment, at the begining she set up the minimal set of features a guy should have in order to be an elegible playmate, regarding both physical and personality aspects. Her standards were way higher than mine, so when I was there watching other couples, I avoilded to encourage couples who wouldn't fit my wife's standards. But later on, I noticed she started encouraging couples who wouldn't fit those previously stated standards, so I asked her about this, and she told me she realized this was about having fun for a while, that her previous standards were the same ones she would have in the vanilla world to date a guy, that it was a good start point, but a lot of those standards were not required if we ONLY pursue to have fun, and she started to regret setting up such a high standards that were depriving us from a lot of chances.

This is a very good point!