to swing or not too?

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

I have audio tapes and video tapes of every time you have ask me about going to some motel, pulling all my clothes off and screwing total strangers. I have already talked to a lawyer and he said that he will rip your ass from one end to the other and easily convince a jury that you are some kind of pervert and a danger to our your kids. I will own everything you have for the rest of your life. Give him a wink and ask him if he still wants to play.

WOW! I may agree with you, but wouldn't advice to take this road unless it's the last resort. If my wife comes to me with this approach, I'd be the one filing the divorce at first hour in the morning. Whatever I told her in our bedroom wasn't meant to be taped, nor she have the right to disclose it. Reching the point were I am being treatened and blackmailed using what I said because I (giving this approach) was MISLEAD to trust in my wife, there's no way back to rebuild the lost trust: I wouldn't be able to openly express my feelings and thoughts with my wife, afraid of being recorded with the purpose of using my words as a weapon against me!

Sorry, but, this advice doesn't differ from advicing her to file a divorce right now.

This people have a communication problem, she have issues with her self steem, he seems to have issues with the awareness required to swing, and IMO, with the awareness required to take care of a relationship (and I say, "he seems to", because all we have are the wife's perception from his behavior). They need to find ways to increase the trust in each other and in the relationship, while you're advicing the opposite: to destroy whatever trace of trust they already have.

I believe we should be more responsible on the consequences for whatever advice we may provide. What you said would be an acceptable provokation if you were talking face to face, because you'd be there to "catch up" the reaction, but in a forum, you risk someone to take your words literaly as a nice choice to deal with this (or a similar) problem, just to end up facing an even worst scenario.

[mystressgaia]

Thank you all for your wonderful answers. They are appreciated and will be taken into consideration.

I can admit that I am interested on a certain level but only because of previous experiences. To explain, when I was not with my husband and single I had been to a couple of parties where there was drinking, music, and other singles. We used to come up wih some interesting games to say the least, one was the number three game. one girl, three guys, three minutes anything goes unless she says no and vice versa. I can honestly say my experience was hot but it was a spur of the moment thing and I was single. my husband knows about this experience and he has never had an opportunity like it.

I thought our relationship was pretty rock solid but then he started talking more about threesomes and group sex and it made me question myself. Im glad he wants to share his fantasies and I like to share mine with him but to me thats all they were fantasies not something to become reality.

I can also admit when I got pretty upset about it, I left for work and asked if he needed anything on the way home and he looked at me and said " a blonde and a red head", not such a big deal but every day i went to work that was the answer. Finally I looked at him and said "you know it wouldnt be so bad if you would just say once, you know, all i want you to bring home is your wonderful brunette self!"
He didnt say anything and since he hasnt said anything about a blonde and a redhead.

I didnt mean to turn him off the conversation, I want to be able to talk to him about these things. I know what turns him on and what doesnt but bringing another person or people into our sex lives doesnt seem to be the answer for me about anything.

Someone asked about it sponatiously happening: to me its different than being preplanned. Its just something that happened and isnt necessarily going to happen again. Im not sure how to make that make sense.

We have talked some more about certain things, like what we would allow if the situation did happen, like he would not want me to give another guy a blow job nor have another give me anal.

I think my issues may also stem from me feeling im not getting enough sex and here he is wanting to add more people, when i feel i am not getting it enough! To me that doesnt make sense. Thank you all for talking to me. I may have him read this since he is the one who directed me here and may be that will open up more discussion.

southbond, that just seems terribly mean to do to him when all he did was talk to me!

[cassies]

Swing if you want to. Don't if you don't.

Don't swing if your husband wants you to. (I mean, if that is the only reason.)

I want my wife to swing. But first and foremost I want her to be happy.

Sex is tough. It's hard to admit to your fantasies, accept your desires and be open about them. If your husband is having trouble talking about it now, he may feel judged.

Does he know you feel like you aren't having enough sex? That may be a reason why he wants to swing, so you can have more.

When I first brought up swinging with my wife, it was a highly charged topic, and it was hard for me to talk about it with her, because it was so exciting to me, I had difficulty maintaining a connection with her during the conversation. Basically, I had trouble hearing anything other than "yes or no." But we have been talking about it for a month or so now, and I understand her concerns much better.

Cassie's

[SouthBond]

I was just joking. However, my daughter is a private detective and she does this type of stuff all the time for women who think their husbands are cheating on them. In fact video tapes are her main tool in catching these horny bastards. If this guy will not let go of his desire to swing/swap/screw other women, and you oppose it, he is going to cheat. And of course being stupid like most of us men are, he will get caught and you will file for divorce. If you are smart, you will have the documentation to hang him. See, I was just joking but it might be close to a real situation. I thought it was kind of funny. But it might be better if you took a firm stand and told him like it is. Otherwise, he is going to think about how can he can arrange a spontaneous situation so that you will play. Now, I am actually rooting for your husband. That's a guy thing.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

I thought our relationship was pretty rock solid but then he started talking more about threesomes and group sex and it made me question myself.

That's a typical response to it. I don't want to say "normal" because I'm of the opinion that feeling jealous means that there is something to be afraid of. If there's something to be afraid of, then there's a hole that needs a-patchin' in the relationship. It means that you "think" that your husband thinks a certain thing, but you don't know it for certain. Where there is uncertainty, there is fear, and where there is fear in a relationship, we compensate by trying to control the uncontrollable: namely our spouse. So anyway, like I said, you should be telling your husband that his statements cause you to question yourself, and your ability to satisfy his needs in a partner.

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

Im glad he wants to share his fantasies and I like to share mine with him but to me thats all they were fantasies not something to become reality.

You may never advance beyond this stage. Fantasy and reality are two TOTALLY different things, and once you've tried out reality, you either love it or need therapy. Taking fantasy into the real world requires that you are flexible and adaptable and can forgive easily. If you need the fantasy to follow a certain script in order to maintain sanity, stick to pillow talk! Seriously.

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

I can also admit when I got pretty upset about it, I left for work and asked if he needed anything on the way home and he looked at me and said " a blonde and a red head", not such a big deal but every day i went to work that was the answer. Finally I looked at him and said "you know it wouldnt be so bad if you would just say once, you know, all i want you to bring home is your wonderful brunette self!"
He didnt say anything and since he hasnt said anything about a blonde and a redhead.

That's good! That's actually a very good start to the conversation. When you get the time to expand on it, bring it up again. Explain that you don't want to stop talking about it, but you were just trying to get across to him that his comments often feel hurtful because [this] is what his comments say to you. *Insert feelings/impressions in the box. The things that you say to him should be something that he doesn't know already. It should be a surprise. He should say something like, "Gee honey, I had no idea you felt that way. I sure didn't mean it the way you said it. [This] is what I actually meant..."

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

I know what turns him on and what doesnt but bringing another person or people into our sex lives doesnt seem to be the answer for me about anything.

Does your sex life need an "answer"? Is that what his suggestions have impressed upon you? That you must somehow be lacking if he's suggesting this?

What if he's telling the truth, that you're just too good to keep all to himself, and you're simply not able to understand it...yet? Like I said in my last blog entry, sane, rational, logical, emotionally sound people do not simply walk off a cliff for no reason. Perhaps the question, rather than "Why would he want me to walk off a cliff?", should be "Is it really a cliff, or am I just seeing it from the wrong angle?" From the comments your husband has apparently made (that it's because your sex life is so good, that he feels you've been together long enough now that he desires greater honesty/better communication/deeper intimacy, etc.) it sounds to me like his motives are good.

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

Someone asked about it sponatiously happening: to me its different than being preplanned. Its just something that happened and isnt necessarily going to happen again. Im not sure how to make that make sense.

So you can blame it on the tequila in the morning? Don't go that route, if that's the reasoning behind it. I know "preplanning" seems just so contrived and stilted, but it's necessary to some extent. It allows you to weed out couples who are incompatible and to define boundaries. I understand the need to loosen inhibitions, and nothing seems to work for me like a glass or two of good wine, but I have limited myself to just that: a glass or two. If my judgment is impaired, my husband won't let me swing. The whole point is to be able to enjoy the moment, and make some memories. Which drinking to excess defeats the purpose of. Plus he needs me to be in full control of my faculties because if I make a stupid decision and he acts on it only to discover the next morning that I TOTALLY screwed up and told him to say/do the wrong thing, then where does that leave us? For example, I might tell him to go ahead and play with someone in another room and the next morning I might be upset that I had made such a bad choice when faced with such a big decision. But who is the one to blame?

The drinking example may not apply to you, but it's just an example of "throwing caution to the wind" at one's peril.

Originally Posted by mystressgaia

I think my issues may also stem from me feeling im not getting enough sex and here he is wanting to add more people, when i feel i am not getting it enough! To me that doesnt make sense. Thank you all for talking to me. I may have him read this since he is the one who directed me here and may be that will open up more discussion.

Perhaps this is precisely why he's suggesting it. It wouldn't surprise me that he knows already that you're not feeling sexually satisfied. He wants to see you happy, whatever that takes. If it means that you're more woman than one man can handle, then so be it. He is not holding you hostage anymore. He's telling you you're free to pursue sexual satisfaction...just don't forget about him or hurt him in the process. All he wants is be there when it happens.

[fundove2]

my wife and I were marreid 20 years before we started to swing. We amrreid young and wre empty nesters our first swing. We started with a couple we know for a very long time. At the beginning I was like your husband asking mywife to try our friend couple with me as they wre expereinced and often would ask if we wanted to swap withthem. My wife would always say no. and after a few times being asked I was home withmywife and asked her why she is so apprehensive and it was religious in her mind that she wanted to be with me only. I understood. this same request bour be made by the other couple often as we socialized withthem and one evening afer some wine and being in the right time of the month and my iwfe said ok. It astounded me she said ok and the ladies went to the bedroom to undrress and then they took a shower and went back to the bedroom. Well needless to say the entire night was a mix of sex with our spouse and withour swapped friends every way. my iwfe was totally satisfied that night and after getting home she told me thankyou for helping to get her to try it she said she loved it. She did it often with me after taht and actually fell in love withthe couple. She would tell me she loved thim being inour marriage sexually. We still do sex withthem and one other couple and a single lady . We are very appreciative of eachother and love to swing. The first time is your most nervious and after you try it your body will tellyou it is wonderful andyou will love it too. If you like you can email me. fundove2@aol.com

[ohcpl43952]

I think my issues may also stem from me feeling im not getting enough sex and here he is wanting to add more people, when i feel i am not getting it enough!

You'd be surprised at how many couples feel that swinging has increased the pleasure of their own personal sex lives. Look around here and you'll find so many saying something like 'we screwed like bunnies for days after our first meet up.'