Want her to bring a guy home, not sure we are ready

[yngcpl]

Hi all

Need some advice!

Me and my girlfriend have talked and fantasised about swinging for a long time and love the thought. I love the thought of her doing the business with another guy. However, she's not really in to me doing it with another girl, well not so much anymore, with which i can't help but get frustrated at. I also get frustrated with jealousy even though we haven't done anything yet, it's basically due to what she would like to do with another guy that i thought that she would of kept just for us.

The situation that we are now in is that there's a guy that drinks in the same club that my girlfriend goes in every friday. He's made it obvious that he would love to sleep my gf. He doesn't know, well nobody knows about our fantasies. To what we thought is that she invites him back one night when i'm out and then basically tell me all about it when i get home. Don't get me wrong i love the thought but she just seems to be a little to eager to it. I've asked her is she fancies him at all, with which she said no. She said that she just likes the thought of it.

What i would like to know is whether anyone can offer any advice on this situation?

Is she doing it for the thought and not because she fancies him?

Could you sleep with someone without fancying them!

Am i right to be annoyed at the fact that she's likes the thought of another guy but no me with another girl?

Thanks for any advice

all the best

[TNT]

Originally Posted by yngcpl

What i would like to know is whether anyone can offer any advice on this situation?

My advice would be ...DON'T DO IT...not yet anyway.

You two still have a lot to work out and it does not seem like ya'll are ready yet. Deal with the "frustration and jealousy" you say the both of you are having first.

Take the time to read over the Board some. I think you will find that there are others out there who are dealing with the same things you two are...the excitement, anticipation and the not "really" knowing if you're ready yet. Continue to talk and communicate with each other until you are absolutely sure this is what you BOTH want to do.

And....Welcome to the Board.


Teresa

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Me and my girlfriend have talked and fantasised about swinging for a long time and love the thought. I love the thought of her doing the business with another guy. However, she's not really in to me doing it with another girl, well not so much anymore, with which i can't help but get frustrated at. I also get frustrated with jealousy even though we haven't done anything yet, it's basically due to what she would like to do with another guy that i thought that she would of kept just for us.

OK, that's a little confusing. You're into her being with another guy, but at the same time you're upset that she would like the idea of being with another guy????

It sounds like your fantasies should remain just that: fantasies. At least for now. You need to think about your jealous feelings and where they're coming from. In addition, if she's not into you with another woman, that needs to be worked out as well. If you're going to be frustrated because you're not going to really get to play, that needs to be addressed.

The situation that we are now in is that there's a guy that drinks in the same club that my girlfriend goes in every friday. He's made it obvious that he would love to sleep my gf. He doesn't know, well nobody knows about our fantasies. To what we thought is that she invites him back one night when i'm out and then basically tell me all about it when i get home.

Great....so, this guy is now going to think that your girlfriend's cheating on you with him. To us, this isn't really swinging. Swinging would be that you're there or at the very least, all three of you know what the heck is going on. This sounds like a hotwife senario, which is a cousin of swinging, but doesn't really live in the same house.

Is she doing it for the thought and not because she fancies him?

Could you sleep with someone without fancying them!

Although I'm not positive about the definition of "fancying", but if it means having feelings for, I can say yes, I can have sex with someone without having feelings for them. In your g/f's case, I don't know if she fancies him or not....

Am i right to be annoyed at the fact that she's likes the thought of another guy but no me with another girl?

It would annoy me...no doubt. But, what I find slightly amusing is that while you say you're ok with her with another guy, you're incredulous that she could have sex with this guy and not have feelings for him and don't like the fact that she's eager about it, yet, I'm assuming if she were ok with you being with another woman, you would have no problem with having sex with a woman without having feelings for her and that you think you wouldn't be eager about it. Fairness goes both ways, and it seems like right now, neither one of you is capable of seeing the other person's perspective. Which is why I say you're not ready for swinging.

Pepper

[yngcpl]

Pepper

i think your getting me all wrong! In regard to sleeping with another woman i would do it for my gf's fantasy only and not just jump straight in, i am in fact very considerate and just expect the same back. In regard to jealousy it's obvious that it a major factor and thats why i'm asking for help to see if i can deal with it. You have already eased some pressure by saying that you could sleep with someone for the fantasy only and nothing else. Like i've said we're new and just trying to make sure of things before making a mistake. With the scenario, it's also a fantasy of ours (other guy not knowing).

[yngcpl]

is there anyone else that can relate?

[EvilMJ]

There is no point in swinging if one person is having all the fun and the other has to sit in the sidelines. I would be very upset if my husband was doing all the swinging and was really excited it about it, but I wasn't allowed to have any fun.

You need to talk about this a lot more before going ahead. If you want to her to have sex with another man and hear about it later, then you had better be prepared to handle the feelings that come with it. Otherwise you need to consider swinging as a couple.

It will never work if you are already having misgivings about the whole situation.

Yes you can swing without having feelings for someone and perhaps she is just excited. on the other hand, she may be one of those women who need to have a connection with a man before she can have sex with them

I think you both need to sit down and talk this out further.

[PrairieFire]

Definitely talk it out more. I would search on the topic of jealousy. Most of it comes from insecurity with the relationship and not understanding that love and sex are two different entities.

Him not knowing shouldn't be an issue, it really isn't about him, but about the couple's fantasy.

Just make sure you both are ALWAYS totally honest with each other, any doubts about honesty will ruin this type of relationship.

[intuition897]

yngcpl, Welcome to the board.

I am in agreement with the rest of the posters who are cautioning you to rethink moving ahead with this. Once you take it from fantasy to reality, you can't un-know what you learn from it...and sometimes it's not what you wanted to know. I don't think you could've written a more perfect example of the absolute WRONG situation to start swinging from if you tried. Every sentence had a red flag in it:

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Me and my girlfriend have talked and fantasised about swinging for a long time and love the thought. I love the thought of her doing the business with another guy. However, she's not really in to me doing it with another girl, well not so much anymore, with which i can't help but get frustrated at.

I can't imagine a lop-sided swinging relationship working out in the long run, although I guess maybe it does for some folks. That's the "hot wife" scenario that was mentioned. You don't sound like the kind of guy who wants to always be riding the pine while his wife has all the fun. If you feel frustrated at not being allowed to play too, go no further until this has been resolved. This is NOT just some tough-to-swallow pill; you never get used to it, and you will end up resenting your girlfriend.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

I also get frustrated with jealousy even though we haven't done anything yet, it's basically due to what she would like to do with another guy that i thought that she would of kept just for us.

Again...big difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy you have absolute control over. You are never in any danger in any way shape or form. There is no threat. But once it stops being just talk and the fantasy takes on a life of its own, you start to realize that you have NO control over your partner at all. All you have is the word "please". As in: "Please don't hurt me." If you aren't 100% sure that you can fully trust your partner to never abuse the power you've given them to tear your heart apart, do NOT go there!! And sometimes it's not a matter of intentional abuse, but sometimes it's just because he or she doesn't realize what it is he or she is doing. An example: you and your girlfriend go to a swinger's club and she becomes so enthralled with the fun she's having, she neglects you and leaves you sitting on your own for the entire night, wondering where she is, what she's doing, and who she's doing it with. She may not realize that this would wound you very deeply. She might just think it's okay to just bugger off and do whatever without you.

Another concern is that you apparently haven't sorted out the love/sex separation thing yet. I say this because if you had, you would realize that there is no "special something" that you physically do with one another that should ever be worthy of being the sacred bond that you share. The act is not the promise. What is everlasting and enduring is love, not sex. A stranger can touch every inch of my husband's body, do wicked, wicked things to him that I have never dreamt of, and leave him smiling for a week...and I feel no jealousy, no depression, no bitterness nor sadness. Why? Because the quality of our love is not cheapened by defining it with sex. Women have had their way with him, and he with them, and yet his heart is still mine. That's the sacred territory, right there! It's not the physical, but the emotional. I might feel jealousy if another woman sought to make him fall out of love with me and succeeded; not because this is what she intended, but because he allowed himself to be swayed by her. I'm not against polyamory at all, and hypothetically could handle Mr. intuition having another love interest...but it would be his choice of partner that would be the problem for me! A lying, conniving snake who wanted to steal something from me (his love) and make it her own. I would not want to be associated in any way with someone like that. Happily, this has never been an issue for us.

Anyway, all I'm saying is perhaps you should take some time to figure out what your motivations are. If you're expecting to just put the dollies together and make them play nice, you're in for a shock. Yes, she IS going to like it. Yes, she MIGHT have to deal with possible emotional issues that come up (how will you both deal with that?). If you go into this with expectations, with any sort of "script" in your head of how the scene is supposed to play out, you're almost guaranteed a lousy time. Need to shift your thinking from "Control It" mode to "Manage It" mode. Which just means you should focus your energy on dealing with problems when/before they arise (because you can't control the fact that you WILL have problems to deal with), instead of wasting time trying to avoid them.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

The situation that we are now in is that there's a guy that drinks in the same club that my girlfriend goes in every friday. He's made it obvious that he would love to sleep my gf.

The snake in the grass. Hey, if it's your fantasy for your girlfriend to do a guy who thinks he's cheating you out of something, that's fine. I have that kind of fantasy myself. Kind of a domination fantasy for me though, because in reality you're turning the tables on the other person by doing everything in agreement with your spouse. The difference is, we consider ourselves to be more experienced. I would never have considered doing something like this earlier on in our "swinging career".

Originally Posted by yngcpl

He doesn't know, well nobody knows about our fantasies. To what we thought is that she invites him back one night when i'm out and then basically tell me all about it when i get home.

Another red flag. Aside from the fact that you will be going out of your mind with jealousy wondering if she's telling him how much better a sex partner he is than you...there are safety issues to consider as well. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but it would be wise to at least consider the possiblity that the guy may be unpredictable once the pants come off. Just a thought.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Don't get me wrong i love the thought but she just seems to be a little to eager to it. I've asked her is she fancies him at all, with which she said no. She said that she just likes the thought of it.

What i would like to know is whether anyone can offer any advice on this situation?

Is she doing it for the thought and not because she fancies him?

Could you sleep with someone without fancying them!

Am i right to be annoyed at the fact that she's likes the thought of another guy but no me with another girl?

yngcpl, I think you should both come on here and learn more about swinging. These questions have been answered in depth all over the board. Do a search for jealousy and see what you find.

Good luck!

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--You cannot unring a bell. In this case your swinging into a huge gong.

[Amanda69]

Sounds like playing with fire here. For one, you aren't doing this together, two it doesn't appear this guy knows about your "permission" to sleep with her and three, Yes (Brit born here) I would say she does fancy him or she wouldn't want to sleep with him in the first place.

Fantasies are wonderful things, we had them for over two year before actually playing. We made sure we were both comfortable with what we were going to do in reality before making that leap from the fantasy.

Good luck and play safe....

[ibn battuta]

I think that everyone above has said what needs to be said about this situation... but in case one more opinion would make a difference...
DON'T DO IT! Unless you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship... then its a great idea.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Hi all
I love the thought of her doing the business with another guy. However, she's not really in to me doing it with another girl, well not so much anymore, with which i can't help but get frustrated at.

In answering the OP, I can see how you would be frustrated with this. This is why Jay and I have a strict no sit out rule with each other. This is something only you and she can work out though, but I have met couples like this...we are actually friends with a couple like this. We won't play with them, because to us its just too much drama.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Is she doing it for the thought and not because she fancies him?

Only she can answer this question. But yes, I have known men that definately caught my attention physically, but I would not sleep with them because our personalities are not a good match.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Could you sleep with someone without fancying them!

Now, in "fancy", what do you mean? If you mean she is physically turned on by him, but does not care for him on a "love" level than I say yes. Truth? Swinging is all about lust, not love....well, at least not at first. This is why physical attraction is important, although its not pc to say this. I don't know you, so I have to have a physical attraction to you. So yes, I will say that I could definately play with a man that physically turns me on even though I don't "love" or "care" about him in a very personal way.

Originally Posted by yngcpl

Am i right to be annoyed at the fact that she's likes the thought of another guy but no me with another girl?

I can say that I would be annoyed, yes. Whether or not its right for you is up to you in your comfort level.
Thanks for any advice

[nwindianacpl99]

Ok,

This advise comes from a couple who experienced something very similar to what is happening with you. We started talking about swinging and thought that we had everything worked out. I (husband) fully supported her not wanting to swing with a couple as she was scared of what she might feel when she saw me with another woman, but I was completely cool with us swinging with just males. We ventured out and found a really cool guy and we all had fun.

Then she met a guy that knew she was married and he knew that we swung. But he was not comfortable with being around me. Now that should have made me tell her that she needed to just end it there but I felt that her and I had talked about everything and I felt comfident in the fact that she was able to control the situation. Well they started seeing each other and she would meet him for drinks a couple nights a week. After a while I knew there was more to the story. So I started listening to their conversations and found out that there was more to the relationship then just sex. Needless to say things went downhill very fast from that point.

We took a few years off from swinging and we focused on our relationship. We are now a very loving and considerate couple. We are able to communicate with each other about everything and I do mean everything. If your not able to communicate with your spouse about everything then your going to eventually run into trouble. Yes we are very lucky in that we were able to get past that situation and be able to become a stronger couple through it. But we also know that there are a lot more couples out there that don't survive somthing like that.

All in all I guess we just wanted to throw our two cents in and let you know that your possibly heading in the same direction that we went in. Its not a good direction. We are now a very strong couple that chooses to swing as a couple and no matter what we don't deviate from that one bit.

We wish you the best of luck and only hope that both of you can work through this and become a very loving couple with no jealousy issues and are able to communicate without fear.