Lingering Thought - What about the negative side of swinging?

[couger84d]

Hello everybody. I just thought i'd say that i like this place cuz you all seem like a friendly bunch. Anyways, i have been talking about doing a mfm swing with my wife for about a year and a half now. when i first brought it up, she didnt take to kindly too it, but after i gave her some time to think about it she warmed up to the idea. it has gotten to the point where she is looking forward to trrying it and goes as far as telling me what she wants to do to the both of us and what she wants myself and the other guy to do to her. It all makes me so freaking hot! Im all for this, and she is now too, but here is where i pack the punch. From other sources i have read that werent swinging related, i was told that it would ruin our marraige, that it woul dbe hell, that it would be this and it would be that. I also read that bringing a third or fourth person into the bedroom is the last thing i need before calling a divorce lawer. Then i come to this site and see nothing but good and hot stuff. Well, there are exceptions of course. But even after i read all the negative my mind still keeps racing at the thought of my wife sucking an other guy while i take her from behind...or any other combination i could think of. However, the thought still lingers. What about all the negative stuff i read, will that apply to me?

Are there any people here who had this worry or thought before they tried letting an other man into thier bedroom to take on his wife, and then come to find out that it was all good an no bad?

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by couger84d

Are there any people here who had this worry or thought before they tried letting an other man into thier bedroom to take on his wife, and then come to find out that it was all good an no bad?

My husband is the one who brought up the idea of a MFM - and I was resistant to it for a few months. I warmed up to it - I posted our ad, I am very involved in the emails, etc.

We did try it - while the person himself wasn't all that and a bag of Cheetos - the sex itself was completely great, and we look forward to repeating MFMs, once we find a more compatible person. No bad about the sex at all.

Rebecca

[banger]

Hi I don`t think it would hurt your marraige, but always be up front and honest. this is my bigest turn on to DP someone`s wife and help get her off bigtime! find someone you and your wife like and throw a nice party for your wife, I think you will find thats its a big turn on for you too! be safe and have fun.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by couger84d

Hello everybody. I just thought i'd say that i like this place cuz you all seem like a friendly bunch. Anyways, i have been talking about doing a mfm swing with my wife for about a year and a half now. when i first brought it up, she didnt take to kindly too it, but after i gave her some time to think about it she warmed up to the idea. it has gotten to the point where she is looking forward to trrying it and goes as far as telling me what she wants to do to the both of us and what she wants myself and the other guy to do to her. It all makes me so freaking hot! Im all for this, and she is now too, but here is where i pack the punch. From other sources i have read that werent swinging related, i was told that it would ruin our marraige, that it woul dbe hell, that it would be this and it would be that. I also read that bringing a third or fourth person into the bedroom is the last thing i need before calling a divorce lawer. Then i come to this site and see nothing but good and hot stuff. Well, there are exceptions of course. But even after i read all the negative my mind still keeps racing at the thought of my wife sucking an other guy while i take her from behind...or any other combination i could think of. However, the thought still lingers. What about all the negative stuff i read, will that apply to me?

Are there any people here who had this worry or thought before they tried letting an other man into thier bedroom to take on his wife, and then come to find out that it was all good an no bad?

Most of the negative stuff you read are from people who have never done it. Marriage experts tend to deal with failing marriages not strong ones. Sometimes a dying marriage will try swinging to fix it, and its always a disaster. It can destroy a weak relationship, or make a stong one very strong. In our case we are far closer due to swinging and the communication it brings then we ever were prior.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by couger84d

Hello everybody. I just thought i'd say that i like this place cuz you all seem like a friendly bunch. Anyways, i have been talking about doing a mfm swing with my wife for about a year and a half now. when i first brought it up, she didnt take to kindly too it, but after i gave her some time to think about it she warmed up to the idea. it has gotten to the point where she is looking forward to trrying it and goes as far as telling me what she wants to do to the both of us and what she wants myself and the other guy to do to her. It all makes me so freaking hot! Im all for this, and she is now too, but here is where i pack the punch. From other sources i have read that werent swinging related, i was told that it would ruin our marraige, that it woul dbe hell, that it would be this and it would be that. I also read that bringing a third or fourth person into the bedroom is the last thing i need before calling a divorce lawer. Then i come to this site and see nothing but good and hot stuff. Well, there are exceptions of course. But even after i read all the negative my mind still keeps racing at the thought of my wife sucking an other guy while i take her from behind...or any other combination i could think of. However, the thought still lingers. What about all the negative stuff i read, will that apply to me?

Are there any people here who had this worry or thought before they tried letting an other man into thier bedroom to take on his wife, and then come to find out that it was all good an no bad?

Yeah, you do what is best for YOU and your wife in YOUR marriage. I have that problem, friends who think they are all of a sudden Dr. Phil. I love the idea of mfm...but I have issues with being the center of attention. I don't even like people singing to me on my birthday lol. I don't bask in the attention, I tend to become nervous. But hey, if its for you, and your wife is completely comfortable, go for it.

[intuition897]

I agree with Chicup. All the paranoid negativity you've heard about from so-called "experts" is, in fact, the result of a great deal of ignorance. If they took the time to understand it properly, they would not say such things. But many people just don't WANT to see things any differently, so that's their story, and they're sticking to it.

The hogwash you read about swinging killing marriages is absolute, 100% pure unadulterated BULLshit. It's like saying the gun killed the man. All I know is, the idiot who picked up the gun shouldn't have known better than to play with a gun while he was drunk! Yes, it's dangerous because it's going to test your devotion to one another. If your marriage can't handle it, stay right the hell away from it. But like a gun, it can be a useful tool if used soberly, respectfully, and knowledgeably. Swinging never killed anyone's marriage; they killed it themselves with all their hang-ups and suspicions and lying and mistrust. With their selfishness. Swinging is simply an amplifier. Whatever you put into it comes out bigger and louder, and good or bad, it can no longer go unnoticed.

EDIT>> Maybe a gun wasn't the best metaphor. I guess, coming from the country where hunting is just another part of life, I can see a hunting rifle being used as a tool. But at the same time, it doesn't really apply to swinging, does it? Nobody get's shot while swinging...I mean, not unless it's a CSI episode.

[tribbles]

Originally Posted by couger84d

~snip~

What about all the negative stuff i read, will that apply to me?

Are there any people here who had this worry or thought before they tried letting an other man into thier bedroom to take on his wife, and then come to find out that it was all good an no bad?

Other than thru imagination, how can you even figure how it will apply to you?

Even then the only real way to know how it will be for YOU is to do it.

All good an no bad?

Can't say it has all been good, some moments seemed bad and took lots of talking to get to the good stuff....where we ended up closer than before with a deeper understanding of ourselves and each other.

couger84d-why not start with just going to a club and watching others? You don't have to do anything with anyone but your own spouse.


See Club Listings here.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by intuition897

EDIT>> Maybe a gun wasn't the best metaphor. I guess, coming from the country where hunting is just another part of life, I can see a hunting rifle being used as a tool. But at the same time, it doesn't really apply to swinging, does it? Nobody get's shot while swinging...I mean, not unless it's a CSI episode.

The gun metaphor works fine for us sister! You made the point quite effectively.

I had forgotten about the CSI Swinger episode!

Mr two4you
---Wondering what it would be like to have a "double barrel"

[DBL D]

There have been and still are moments when I wonder whether this is really helping our marriage; sometimes it has seemed to elevate things. I happen to feel that it can bring a couple closer if they will let it. We just seem to be holding this lifestyle at arms length, maybe because of the fear you describe. My wife has never in the years we have been swinging told me things that she wanted me and another man or woman to do to her. At least your gal is saying those things, which I think is a very healthy and strong sign that she is ready to play. You just need to understand that love and sex are separate things and you should be fine, for starters.

Good luck to you.

Male D

[janaandjames]

One thing to remember is to take things slow. You do not know how you will react until you are there, and you dont know how it will affect you until you are there.
So dont start out with another guy fucking her in your bed ...
start out with maybe watching her kiss someone else .. see how that feels..
maybe slow dancing with someone else.
see how it feels.
Then maybe progress to her giving oral ...
if you do it a step at a time, it wont be a great shock, and you will know more about how you really feel.
j

[sereneiders]

Thos things you heard come from the experiece most counselours and therapists have with couples that took this road. I am pretty sure that they give their best advice and they're honest about their experience. However, it is understandable for them to have this experience: most people look for them AFTER they faced a problem inside their marriages, and they lack the chance to survey what's going on with people who doesn't require their services.

In the other hand, health professionals trends to be pretty conservative when providing advice: even when they may privatelly admit their conclussions could be biased by the population they face everiday, they wouldn't risk to take a chellenging position against the overall health care community.

However, there's a point where the advices you'd get from this forum members and the healt care professional meets. IF you ALREADY have marital problems, then swinging IS an invitation to disaster. IF you cannot tell the difference between sexual fantasies and reality, then swinging COULD BE an invitation to disaster. IF the degree of responsibility both of you have about the events to come isn't the same, then there are risks that swinging would blow on someone's face.

I like my analogy (I mentioned here several times). Swinging is like a music power amplifier, it enhances and makes everithing you have louder, both the good and the bad things. Those little scratches on your vynil records, that unamplified wouldn't bother you, could become pretty anyoing once amplified, and even worst, once you're aware of those noises, you'd keep hearing in afterwards, even if you turn off the amplifier, because you just become aware of them.

As long as you're sure that the good things you want to amplify are enough fulfilling as to be able to bear with the bad things and the noises, everithing would be fine.

So, you have to ask yoursef: "why I want to swing?", and more important "do I NEED to swing (to save my marriage)?", if the answer were YES, then... AVOID swinging.

Also, you have to udnerstand that many things we fantasize about are great as a fantasy but shouldn't be bring to the reality. If you recongize the difference, if you can tell there are fantasies you have that by no means you'd bring to reality, while there are others worth to be tried, I'd say you're healthy enough as to swing.

Something we often seen as a problem with new swingers is that one spouse want to swing, but thinking of the arousal the experience would have for him/her, disregarding the fact that the other spouse may get as aroused as he/she is or EVEN MORE by the experience, and when they realize of this, the whole world falls appart, sort of "you wasn't supposed to feel THAT good by doing this!... I didn't realized you are SO slutty, if I kew, I wouldn't open this Pandora box". So, bear in mind you're not talking just about YOUR fantasies, nor YOUR pleasure, but about HER fantasies and HER pleasure as well. Even when you were the one "pushing" and she were playing the "reluctanct" one, you may face the surprice of your life here. Are you up to deal with something like this?

Finally, you have to make an exercise with your imagination (even better, shared with your wife): figure out the worst scenario, the worst outcome. For example, that you'd feel jealous, and imagine the way's you'd have to deal with the problem and keep going togheter. For example, let's suppose you feel hurt by watching your wife ENJOY giving head to this stranger guy... what your attitude would be? would you blame on her because (for example) she was way more "slutty" than what you wanted? Would you be able to say "ok, we both chose to try this boat, it's bouth our fault, we know this isn't for us and, anyway, EVERITHING IS FINE"?

No one but you two knows better than you two the risks of swinging. I cannot tell you "go for it", nor "don't do it", I have no enough information as to dare to advice you here, just give you a guideline on how to think of all of this.

Be honest with your wife, and more important, be honest with yourself, bearing in mind that your desire to live a wild fantasy may not worth your marriage, be "wisely conservative", but not paranoid, and you'll figure it out.

[mincup]

ask yoursellf this question after you just did it with your wife. Would I still be confortable, confident and happy if it was another man who just screwed my wife to oblivion, cuz that is probably what he will do. So if your confident in you marriiage and yourself explore the unknown myfriend. I know I would.

[meandher2go]

<<--------- marraige has been even stronger since we started

[Amanda69]

All of the effects from swinging depend on the type of marriage/relationship you have to start. If it is good/strong and open communication you should have no difficulty. Just keep in mind if it stops being a good experience then don't do it anymore. I have heard just as many comments that swinging can "save" your marriage as I have the reverse. Neither is necessarily true. Remember your relationship is number one.

By the way it sounds as though you are going about this the right way. You have talked, fantasized and no one is trying to convince the other that this is right for you.

Have fun and play safe

[couger84d]

Thanks a lot for everyone's input on this. i very much appreciate it. I have been talking to my wife, and she is happy to know that im doing reserach on this. After we keep talk about it every time, we get all hot thinking about whats going to happen. so i know she wants to do it too. were more than anxious about it, and she is also very thankful for the opinions you all have given me. When the day comes, i will be sure to be on the forum and let everyone know how it went down. Unfortunately, since im in iraq right now, it will be at least an other 3 months before any of this happens. But hey, i can fantasize for now at least.