Considering Swinging and Exploring Jealousy Issues

[ManyQuestions]

I discovered the Swingers Board today and spent a few hours reading threads this morning. I have not been able to concentrate all afternoon, as I’ve been thinking about all the issues to raise and questions to ask in this message. So, not a very productive day at work. I’ve been really impressed with the frank, open and supportive advice offered, so I’m looking forward to some guidance. The issues and questions I have are not new and I’ve read the advice already offered. However, I think my context is slightly different, which is why I’m writing.

So, how did I get here? My wife and I are in our mid thirties, we’ve been together for four and a half years and married for roughly half that time. We are just starting to broaden our sexual horizons – we’re enjoying watching porn together and we have started to talk about our fantasies to a limited extent. My wife told me that she would like to watch another woman go down on me, although she didn’t like the idea of watching me have sex with somebody else. This idea turned me on and got me thinking. I don’t know whether my wife is bi-curious, but I wondered whether she would be interested in a threesome, if she was being sexually aroused at the same time as I was having sex, so she was participating rather than spectating. It didn’t take me to long to realise this was pretty selfish and unoriginal – a man fantasising about having a threesome with 2 women, watching his wife with another woman. So I haven’t discussed this with my wife.

This brought me round to the contemplation of swinging and this is where the usual questions come up. I am unfortunately extremely jealous. I’m even jealous of my wife’s sexual history before me and it’s something I don’t like talking or thinking about. I’ve read with interest all that is said about the difference between making love and sex. I do not doubt my wife’s love for me, so my head agrees with what is said, but my heart is lagging far behind. I find it hard to imagine watching another man have sex my wife and I wonder how much I would be haunted by it afterwards, even though I appreciate the difference between sex and love. But I have thought about this a lot today and think that I might be able to get over this, if we were swinging in the same room and sharing the experience together.

I am also interested to read that the process of thinking about swinging, discussing it with your partner and then finally going through with it often takes some time. I’ve only very recently started thinking about it, so I can see I have and we have a long way to go.

Communication is the key theme underlying many of the messages. This is an area in my relationship that needs to be improved when it comes to talking about sex. I have a larger sexual appetite than my wife, which I appreciate puts her under pressure at times. However, I also believe she is creative and open to explore possibilities – the idea of watching a woman go down on me is a case in point. I know I will need to be more proactive in our communication, but I have typical fears of worrying how she might respond and what she might think. Perhaps I’m jumping the gun by writing this thread before I even raise swinging with my wife.

Two other issues, linked to my jealousy are – the point often made that a woman needs to make some sort of emotional connection with a guy before she can have sex with him. How does this connection fit with the sex not love issue?

I also read an article where a woman described her first swinging experience where she described herself as doing things she would never do with her husband and having the best sex of her life. It would upset me to think of my wife doing and thinking the same. The experience of this woman was very relevant, as she never lets her husband cum in her mouth, but when she was with another man she swallowed it down. My wife doesn’t want me to cum in her mouth, which I’m happy with as her right of choice. But I know I would be upset and angry if I watched her letting another man cuming in her mouth and swallowing. I love her and swinging together appeals as an experience we share that heightens our sexual experience. However, I would still like to be one, at least, of her best lovers and I wish she could throw away all abandon with me rather than a stranger – although I’m aware that it’s probably because it is a stranger that that is easier to do. Reading back through this, it shows definite signs of insecurity – now I need to work out the roots of this insecurity.

This is probably more than enough to get me started, so I look forward to hearing from anyone who has suffered from similar issues and how these were overcome.

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, ManyQuestions. Please post an introduction in the Introductions Forum.

You don't say whether your wife is with you in Afghanistan but I'll assume not. You might suggest that she log onto the board also and ask some of her own questions. Be ready to accept her answers without becoming angry. Y'all have a lot to explore together.

Swingers need to accept that the act of having sex with someone other than one's spouse carries with it an excitement of "forbidden fruit" that can lead to doing things never done with the spouse. It's part of the heat of the moment but has the plus side of opening a couple up to including the act in their own sex life.

Glad you're with us and hope you're able to keep your head down. Stay safe and come back to us. An adventure awaits you!

Unless you're with Osama bin Laden, please accept our thanks for what you are doing and our apologies that you have to do it.

Alura

[Alura]

ManyQuestions asked:

Two other issues, linked to my jealousy are – the point often made that a woman needs to make some sort of emotional connection with a guy before she can have sex with him. How does this connection fit with the sex not love issue?

Not all women need such a connection. It's important to separate "love" from "recreational sex." Until your minds are able to do that, it's best not to enter the lifestyle. Sex and love are not necessary companions, but folks often need to learn how to keep it that way.

Mr. Alura

[CuriousInOregon]

Just a quick Welcome to the board

[sexyshelby]

Wow, that was a lot of questions. And some that only you and your wife can answer.
Clearly you have a lot of questions, which is great, and you do have a lot to learn, but you've come to the right place. I agree with Alura that you should gently mention this to your wife and then ask her to take a look around. You can both ask questions and get honest answers from some great people.

The only issue that I will address directly is the "best sex of her life" part. No matter how great sex is with a random stranger, it will never be as good as with my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows me, he knows what makes me tick, he knows what doesn't work...he knows exactly what I like, love and hate. He knows me like no one else ever will. Sex with the hottie across the street may be incredible, but it's just sex. It's hot because it's new...but it can also be sloppy and akward beacuse he doesn't know me.
No matter how much fun your wife (or you) have during swinging sex, it will NOT replace or even compare to the sex between the two of you.

Hope this helps a little.

Oh, and Welcome

~SS

[ManyQuestions]

Dear Alura

Yes, my wife and I are as mad as each other - we are here together in Kabul, we've been here for our whole married life, which has certainly strengthened our relationship!

I appreciate your support for our work, but please don't think I am a selfless individual - we get paid well for what we do, which, unfortunately, is probably why we're still here.

I was amazed to see posts for Afghanistan on Adult Friend Finder - it just goes to show.

Now to post an introduction.

[Amanda69]

Sounds like you need to work on the communication piece and maybe some of the other things might fall into place. You might even find that the jealousy issue minimizes....good luck

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by ManyQuestions

...the point [is] often made that a woman needs to make some sort of emotional connection with a guy before she can have sex with him. How does this connection fit with the sex not love issue?

There IS an emotional connection. The thing is, it's with the husband, just as before. Once a woman knows that she has that...that her physical needs and safety will be taken care of, no matter what...the person with whom she's actually having the sex becomes somewhat irrelevent. Knowing who she's going home with is what is important.

Look at it from an evolutionary standpoint. For the last 250,000 years or so, the act of sex often resulted in pregnancy...a time during which the woman was largely unable to care for herself. (It's hard to gather berries or fight Sabretooth tigers when you're pregnant) Therefore, from the woman's standpoint, the act of having sex had to be preceded by the knowledge that somebody would care for her if and when she was unable to care for herself.

Swinging doesn't change that dynamic one bit. A woman who knows she is loved unconditionally becomes very sexual as a result. It's the security that she feels with YOU that is responsible for her heightened sexuality and curiousity about others, not the size of their dick or that "thing" they do with their tongue.

You're very wise not to rush into this while you still have some questions about how it could affect your relationship. But if your relationship is basically sound to begin with, I think you'll find that this is more likely to strengthen it than to damage it.

[Alura]

Many Questions wrote:

I was amazed to see posts for Afghanistan on Adult Friend Finder - it just goes to show.

Well, I was surprised to see a post on this board from Afghanistan. I assumed you were a soldier.

I was in Afghanistan in 1971, before both wars. Yesterday, I was talking to a soldier who just got back. I guess it's changed a lot. I was able to sit on top of the Buddas in Bamiyan when I was there. Now I guess they are a pile of rocks and dirt.

Cheers,
Alura

[good times]

I think your questions are good and as you noticed a lot of us spent a good deal of time exploring similar questions before actually taking the plunge in the lifestyle. My wife and I spent over a year talking and asking questions here before we dove in, in fact.

I agree with what has been said by the others but wanted to add one thing. While it is true that overall their is no way sex with someone else could be as good as sex with my wife, we have both had experiences with others that we haven't had with each other. In other words, I have had play partners that did something that my wife has never done or did something better than my wife has done it before. We look at this as a good thing, in fact, it is one of the reasons we swing, experiancing new things. When this happens, you can bet that we are working the new experiance into our next sex session at home. So I don't look at my partner having a new incrdible experiance with a play partner as a bad or undesirable thing, I look at it as a bonus.

[ManyQuestions]

Hi Alura

Definitely not a soldier, nor a spy! However, living and working in this field is in a way another 'alternative lifestyle'. We find it hard for people to understand our motivations and our challenges whenever we return home.

Living here is particularly difficult for my wife, as a blonde, western female. The Afghans are incredibly sexually repressed and as a result of the internet, they believe all western women to be prostitutes. The grief my wife gets if ever she walks around without me is appalling.

To date, there's plenty of change, but limited progress. As the security deteriorates I think we are also starting to lose our nerve.

[ManyQuestions]

Dear all

I appreciate all of your posts. The message that is coming through very clear is the issue of sex and love, and I do take strength from the feeling of unquestioned love on either side of our relationship. I also am interested to hear the views about the new and added sexual experiences through swinging and how these benefit your love making.

I am feeling more confident, but am very aware of the theory and practice/thinking about it and doing it differences.

I also realise jealousy and communication do not disappear or improve in the space of a few days. I imagine you want to know when my wife will be joining me on this board. I think I'm unlikely to be brave enough until we go on holiday later next month. Am I putting it off - perhaps.

No one has commented on possible insecurities they read into my original post. Is my jealousy of my wife's previous history a sign of insecurity? I would say yes. Do I think I satisfy my wife? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Does she satisfy me? The same answer. I think we sometimes lack imagination and creativity, but our communication does not go so far as to discuss it - probably because we are scared or hurting each other's feelings. I know that I would need to increase my sexual confidence before swinging, so that I did not worry she was enjoying playful sex so much more than our love making.

[Alura]

Many Questions wrote:

I think we sometimes lack imagination and creativity, but our communication does not go so far as to discuss it - probably because we are scared or hurting each other's feelings.

This is very common, Many Questions, but can be overcome. When Mrs. Alura and I first met, she suggested that we make a promise to each other...
1. ...that we would never become angry in response to a question that was asked, and ...
2. ...that we would always explore the question until both were satisfied with the completeness of the answer.

It's worked for us for twenty-six years. We have never had a "shouting match." We've never feared asking any question.

We've also made this agreement with our two sons with similar results. I don't know if it will work for y'all, but it has worked for us.

Mr. Alura

[Alura]

Many Questions wrote:

To date, there's plenty of change, but limited progress. As the security deteriorates I think we are also starting to lose our nerve.

Are the Tongas gone? It was so much fun riding through the streets of Herat, provided one was lucky enough to get the seat by the driver. Sitting on the back seat, facing and leaning toward the rear, made it both uncomfortable and hard to hold on!

Politics is a forbidden topic on Swingers Board, for very good reasons. However, one of our member couples, Brad and Janet, have established another board for just that purpose. Members of this board post there, too. It would be great if you could join us and give us your perspective on the war.

Here's a link: http://www.bradandjanet.100megs26.com/board/

Mr. Alura

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Alura

ManyQuestions asked:

Two other issues, linked to my jealousy are – the point often made that a woman needs to make some sort of emotional connection with a guy before she can have sex with him. How does this connection fit with the sex not love issue?

Not all women need such a connection. It's important to separate "love" from "recreational sex." Until your minds are able to do that, it's best not to enter the lifestyle. Sex and love are not necessary companions, but folks often need to learn how to keep it that way.

Mr. Alura

Right. It took me years to get over guilt in my own mind over how I could be in love with my husband, and yet have an almost physical want and need to have sex with other men. The love I felt for him was never at question, and I never said "I want to love other men". I can't describe it. It is almost like a primal need for me that even I can't understand. I know that doesn't make any sense, sorry.