Considering Swinging and Exploring Jealousy Issues

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by ManyQuestions

So, how did I get here? My wife and I are in our mid thirties, we’ve been together for four and a half years and married for roughly half that time. We are just starting to broaden our sexual horizons – we’re enjoying watching porn together and we have started to talk about our fantasies to a limited extent. My wife told me that she would like to watch another woman go down on me, although she didn’t like the idea of watching me have sex with somebody else. This idea turned me on and got me thinking. I don’t know whether my wife is bi-curious, but I wondered whether she would be interested in a threesome, if she was being sexually aroused at the same time as I was having sex, so she was participating rather than spectating. It didn’t take me to long to realise this was pretty selfish and unoriginal – a man fantasising about having a threesome with 2 women, watching his wife with another woman. So I haven’t discussed this with my wife.

Welcome to the board MQ! You sound like a sensitive, intelligent and cautious individual, which is great. It is good - at least to my thinking - that you approach something this potentially earth-shaking carefully and slowly. My advice has always been to start asking the question "Why?" a lot, and to not settle for the easiest answer, but really dig for the truth. Start by questioning your own feelings and motivations and then move on to examining your wife's feelings. But you really do need to start with yourself first.

It could be that your wife is bi-curious, or just generally curious about what it would be like to have another woman interact with you. But she draws the line at oral sex because...well...the other woman has to do something sexual with you in the fantasy, but full-blown genital sex is like the end of the Golden Road and the be-all-end-all of sexual experience...supposedly. So oral sex seems to her to be less threatening. I feel it is a mistake to believe this.

Originally Posted by ManyQuestions

This brought me round to the contemplation of swinging and this is where the usual questions come up. I am unfortunately extremely jealous. I’m even jealous of my wife’s sexual history before me and it’s something I don’t like talking or thinking about. I’ve read with interest all that is said about the difference between making love and sex. I do not doubt my wife’s love for me, so my head agrees with what is said, but my heart is lagging far behind. I find it hard to imagine watching another man have sex my wife and I wonder how much I would be haunted by it afterwards, even though I appreciate the difference between sex and love. But I have thought about this a lot today and think that I might be able to get over this, if we were swinging in the same room and sharing the experience together.

Honey, if you can't get over it outside the bedroom, sharing your wife with another man is NOT going to work!! It wouldn't matter if you were a thousand miles away or standing there holding her hand; in your mind, you would still feel that sense of abandonnment and betrayal...maybe even a little disgust that she would happily agree to open herself up sexually for another man. Are you sure you're not actually testing her? Giving her her sexual freedom, telling her that she's free to fuck whomever she pleases...all the while you're waiting to see if she passes the test or not. The test being, of course, whether she is wantonly willing, or swears on her life that she could never dream of having sex with anyone other than you. I might be way off track, but it's a thought to ponder.

Agreeing to allow one another to have sex with other people, and agreeing to do it one's self, is not the same as actually embracing the idea. You don't desensitize yourself to this stuff; it just makes things worse if you force it. For the longest time, I couldn't understand my husband's desire to see me having sex with another man. I thought he wanted me to degrade myself to please him or something. But it wasn't about that at all; it was about him wanting me to take back my sexuality and do what I pleased with it...as long as I didn't hurt him. What he did was actually quite amazing. He chose to not be hurt by my sexual nature. He chose to focus on my happiness and chose to revel in my sensuality by watching other men basking in it. This made him happy. He realized that I wasn't giving these men anything that belonged to him. They were just the lucky recipients of the overflow of sex in our own relationship. It was a demonstration to these other men of the mere physical aspect of a greater "something" that only HE was privy to. These men were getting the grainy photocopy of the Mona Lisa which he was the proud owner of. "Here ya go, bud... a little momento. Little something to put up on the corkboard in your office." And every time this other guy sees this photocopy, he remembers the work of art - the one and only original, in full rich colour, that belonged to the other man. And the guy thinks with a smile and a chuckle, "That lucky SOB!" And if the guy is married to the woman you swung with at that same play-date, he remembers what a lucky SOB he is and calls up his wife to have her tell him again all the things she did to you, and how much she enjoyed it.

I can remember helping our playmates on with their coats, and noticing how her curly hair was matted into a thick knot on the back of her head from scrubbing against the pillow. I found it amusing that my naughty husband gave this woman enough pleasure that she didn't CARE that she'd be combing that knot out for week. And I felt bad for her, too, but I don't think she cared much. Her husband would likely tease her for it. And after they had left, we would tear each other's clothes off to get at each other. I loved how he smelled of her. I loved doing the laundry and seeing her lipstick stain on his shirt...or pants.

Until you are willing to really try letting go like this, don't go any further than the fantasy.

Originally Posted by ManyQuestions

Communication is the key theme underlying many of the messages. This is an area in my relationship that needs to be improved when it comes to talking about sex. I have a larger sexual appetite than my wife, which I appreciate puts her under pressure at times.

Make yourselves vulnerable to one another, and be so unflinchingly honest that it hurts. Then as you wait for your sentence - because you feel sure that all these things you have just told her about yourself will surely make her love you less - she calls you a fool and asks you why you waited so long to tell her these things?! Love you? Of course she loves you, loves you more in fact because you trusted her with your heart in this way. Just be prepared to get a shock or two when your wife reciprocates with confessions of her own. Does her past really matter that much? Does it bother you that she is not the chaste, pure, snow-white virgin you envision? Does her human-ness bother you? Circumstances, man. Just periphery. Cast aside all of her experiences, rewind her life to when she was a child, a toddler, an infant. There's the soul you're dealing with...not the collection of her life. Not her high school yearbook. Not her little black book or scrapbook of photos of old boyfriends. I'm sure her past has meaning to her, and perhaps she fondly remembers some of them. But what is it you're really afraid of? That she still wishes you had so-and-so's ass, or were hung like what's-his-name? Tell her you don't care whether or not she chooses to be with you, but that all you want is to be close to her (and really mean it!). Let her see what it is you are truly offering her. Not money, not fame, none of that shallow stuff. You're offering this woman your very self. She'd be a fool to not love you for that. And once you get that connection with her, make it grow. Then just wait and see if she's not all over you like white on rice.

Originally Posted by ManyQuestions

However, I would still like to be one, at least, of her best lovers and I wish she could throw away all abandon with me rather than a stranger...

You will always be her best lover. Always. No one knows you like your own spouse. And the familiar feel of "home" as you are welcomed back into your marriage bed after kissing your swing partner goodbye is like nothing on earth. There is a feeling of complete and utter acceptance and love and trust that NO one could ever compete with.

Sorry for the long post...but I'm like that.