Newbies have some questions - are we ready for this?

[mickey&minnie]

Hello, my husband and I have been happily married for 10 years. We have been discussing adding another female or m/f couple to us. We have read alot on swingers and the like. We have lots of questions and need advice to see if this is for us. We have read some other questions and discussed what our opinions are and what we would do in the same situation. It seems that most swingers are happily married couples that want to have some unemotional sex for fun and pleasure. We have discussed to some extent what our rules would be. I think I am ok with bringing a female home for us, don't know if I would feel ok with him being alone with her. I think I would be ok with watching another couple then my hubby and I having sex together. I think I am ok with girl on girl with the guys watching. I don't know if I am ready for me to be with another man, but he says he might be ok with it if we are swapping. How do I know if I am ok with this, I would hate to try it and quit in the middle because I am uncomfortable. I also want to know if other swingers really are ok with "our rules" such as .... The bondage is just for us, no kissing another and things like that or would that turn others off. Also do swingers practice safe sex, that is also one of our rules if we decide to do this. One more thing, I am afraid that my hubby wouldn't get many offers because I am overweight and maybe another female would not want to be with us. I know, alot of questions but we want to be sure we are ready before we get into this. Any advice would be helpful.

[intuition897]

Hi mickey&minnie, Welcome to the board!

One of the first things I suggest to newcomers is to check out Getting Started and the FAQ section, as most basic questions are covered there.

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

It seems that most swingers are happily married couples that want to have some unemotional sex for fun and pleasure.

This is true, but "unemotional" should not be confused with hardened, callous, or cold. The sex IS just for fun, but we still need to enjoy the company of the people we play with. If you find that you cannot have sex with someone without needing to shut yourself off from them and see them as a "thing" to play with, rather than a person with real feelings, then you probably should back away from swinging until you are able to play in a more caring manner. It IS just about sex, but that doesn't mean that we can't care about the well-being of the people we play with.

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

We have discussed to some extent what our rules would be. I think I am ok with bringing a female home for us, don't know if I would feel ok with him being alone with her.

If I were you, I would avoid playing separately at all until you are both completely comfortable with the lifestyle. Even most experienced couples refuse to play separately from their partner, as it is something they enjoy together as a couples activity. Also, the urge to "hide away" from your spouse while doing the nasty with someone else is (to me) symptomatic of a problem. You should be MORE comfortable revealing this hidden part of your sexuality to your own spouse than you would to another partner.

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

I think I would be ok with watching another couple then my hubby and I having sex together. I think I am ok with girl on girl with the guys watching. I don't know if I am ready for me to be with another man, but he says he might be ok with it if we are swapping.

Sounds about par for the course...

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

How do I know if I am ok with this, I would hate to try it and quit in the middle because I am uncomfortable. I also want to know if other swingers really are ok with "our rules" such as .... The bondage is just for us, no kissing another and things like that or would that turn others off.

Don't worry about whether you'll disappoint others; they have nothing invested in you, but your spouse does. Your relationship must ALWAYS come first, and experienced swingers are quite aware of this. It's why I recommend playing with an experienced couple your first time or two, as they can be quite understanding and very relaxed about things. The rules you've outlined are quite common. The 'no kissing' rule is very common for newbies. We used to have it, but eventually evolved beyond it as we started to realize that that 'something sacred' between Mr. intuition and I was not something we found in physical acts. And now we have very few rules about which body part goes in what hole. Intimate contact is intimate contact, and we realized that if we were stupid enough to, more damage could be done to our relationship with a single glance than even the most intimate of sexual acts. It's not the act, it's the intent behind it.

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

Also do swingers practice safe sex, that is also one of our rules if we decide to do this.

YES. At least most do. Some folks out there, for one reason or another (preference, latex allergies, etc.), do choose to go bareback. They make up for the increased risks of STDs by choosing their partners very carefully, being checked regularly, and focusing on quality vs. quantity. Their circles of friends remain quite small and exclusive.

We have gone bareback with a well-trusted couple once, with no ill effects. But that was definitely the exception to the rule. You will find that typically, condoms are used for intercourse, but not for oral sex. This has been debated here recently (check the STD/safe sex forum). Ultimately, it's up to you how stringent your precautionary methods are going to be; it's not that you won't find playmates, they'll just be fewer and farther in between.

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

One more thing, I am afraid that my hubby wouldn't get many offers because I am overweight and maybe another female would not want to be with us. I know, alot of questions but we want to be sure we are ready before we get into this. Any advice would be helpful.

Swingers come in all shapes and sizes. Most people ask for HWP (height weight proportionate) people, so you might be further toward one end of the spectrum than toward the centre, but as I said it's just going to shrink your pool of playmates somewhat. The Barbie & Ken types are relatively few and far between. If by "overweight" you mean that you have a few extra pounds, you're in the 'average' range. If you are significantly overweight, it may affect the number of hits you get on your profile, but it's just a matter of preference. There are plenty of significantly overweight people out there who swing, and have a great time doing it! It's all about the attitude. If you're comfortable in your own skin, if you feel sexy, and just...OOZE sexiness, people will be drawn to you.

Good luck to you both, and please continue to keep us posted.

[WesternSwing]

Hi mickey&minnie, welcome to the Board.

There is not a whole lot to add to Intuition's post, she covered your questions quite well. Something I will though, is I read allot of "I think's" in your post. You need to move beyond the "I think's" to "I'm pretty damn sure". Then your rules will be better defined, too. You're experiences will be better if you know what you are comfortable with. And as everyone here will tell you, as you gain experience your comfort level with go up and your rules will be come less and less.

The other thing is, from reading your post it seems to me that you are doing this for your hubby. Comments like:

Originally Posted by mickey&minnie

I think I am ok with bringing a female home for us, don't know if I would feel ok with him being alone with her.

I think I am ok with girl on girl with the guys watching. I don't know if I am ready for me to be with another man, but he says he might be ok with it if we are swapping.

One more thing, I am afraid that my hubby wouldn't get many offers because I am overweight and maybe another female would not want to be with us.

sound like something you're not totally convinced of for yourself yet, but you want to do it for him. What about you getting offers? It has to be something you both really want. Swinging really is something for you as a couple, not just for one person in the couple.

It seems that most swingers are happily married couples that want to have some unemotional sex for fun and pleasure.

You are correct, most swingers are VERY happily married couples who enjoy the company of other like-minded people. I won't say it's unemotional, though. Our litmus test for having sex with someone is asking ourselves "is this someone we would be friends with if there wasn't sex involved?" If the answer is "yes" then all is good. This is because for us there has to be more then just physical attraction, there has to be chemistry. It doesn't mean we become the best of friends, but the people we search-out are the type we could hang-out with other then in the bedroom.

Also do swingers practice safe sex, that is also one of our rules if we decide to do this.

Most all do. I know very few that don't, and like Intuition said, they seem to be pretty exclusive with certain people. I would say from casual observation that the practice of safe sex is much more common in the Lifestyle then outside of it.

As far as being overweight, like Intuition said the definition of overweight is different for different people. Some think that 10 lbs. extra is overweight, where to others being really large is overweight. There is always someone for everyone. Some of the chubbiest women I know are also the most sought-after in the Lifestyle. Also, it has been my experience that many women like curvier women. Like Intuition said, they ooze sex and attract men from everywhere... You can't help but be drawn to them.

Mr. WS

[mickey&minnie]

Thank-you soooo much for your advice. Just to clear up some of the things I feel have been implied wrong because that was my first post and we are quite nervous....I didn't mean unemotional sex for swingers as using someone as a plaything and being uncaring, I just couldn't think of the right word. I meant that the couples still go home with their spouses and the sex was for the pleasure of the couple not like an affair where there are other feelings involved. If we were to do this it would be with someone we get to know and trust, I am sorry for the confusion. I don't want someone to think that we are just out to use people, we just don't know all the right words. As for the second post wondering if I am doing this just for my hubby, thats not it either. I brought this up to him. We are just discussing what we would feel comfortable with and wondering if other couples feel the same way.I would never agree to this just for him and he said he would be ok if I decided that this wasn't for us. He is nervous also, he just doesn't get on the computer much and doesn't type well so it seems that it is just me, but he wants advice as much as me. It is something that we as a couple are interested in learning about, and considering. We communicate very well and discuss with each other what we think we would be comfortable with. I know I would be more comfortable with girl on girl with him watching and possibly joining,that way it is for both of us. He says he wants me to get pleasure also. We just don't know how far to go and remain comfortable. I do not feel that we as a couple would be in any danger either way. Its just we are afraid that starting off and taking it slow that might offend other couples. Its good to know that experienced couples would be more understanding with us being new and very nervous. I respect other swingers and their choice in this lifestyle. I guess its just how do you get to the point where you want to try and not be jealous or whatever. I want us to have a good time together and enjoy eachother together and with others if that makes sense. Thanks again for the advice and we will continue to post and read and discuss until we decide how to start.
Minnie of mickey&minnie

[intuition897]

Dito to WesternSwing.

Thanks for the follow-up, Minnie. It certainly sounds like the two of you are starting off in the right frame of mind. And please don't think that we think badly of you at all; I was pretty sure that you didn't mean "unemotional" in a negative sense, but just thought I'd clarify anyhow, for anyone else who might read this thread with the same thoughts. And even if you did mistakenly believe you had to do this, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It just means you were mistaken.

Actually, this is sort of the frame of mind you'll need to adopt in general. You both need to realize that often the only way to know where a boundary is, is to accidentally cross it. There's a lot of trial and error, so it's necessary to develop a little emotional reslience. It sounds scary, but it's not so bad. You simply promise one another to ALWAYS put one another's feelings and needs ahead of your own desire to fulfill your fantasies. And then you must trust that your spouse means what he/she says when he/she promises to never intentionally hurt you. Then, during playtime, you need to remain objective, recognizing and acknowledging any negative feelings you might have in reaction to something your partner does (or doesn't) do or say, without allowing the emotions to control the outcome of the situation. Don't let the tail wag the dog! You also need to learn to recognize whether it's just that you're nervous and a little afraid/uncomfortable, or whether you are truly feeling hurt or degraded somehow. Try being sensible about it first, reminding yourself that your partner isn't really thinking unkind things, or isn't purposely neglecting you. He's just really enjoying himself...and probably thinking he's got absolutely the coolest wife on the whole planet. If that doesn't work, politely interrupt what he or she is doing and just say you'd like to have a minute alone with your partner. Then share what your feelings and reactions are, explaining how you're feeling, and asking your partner to clarify...is this what's really going on? It's not a sin to ask for a bit of reassurance now and then! And usually your partner is overcome with a lot of tender feelings for you, leaving you feeling so much better about yourself, and about your relationship. This is where you gain the intimacy.
Starting slow is the very BEST way to go! Absolutely! And if your play partners are impatient with you, they're not worth swinging with. This is supposed to be fun, not painful.

[mickey&minnie]

Intuition, thanks for the advice. We have continued to talk about this and agreed that I should seek a female for me to get to know first so that I would feel more comfortable. I am actually excited and hope to find someone who will be understanding and patient. We have even starting looking at females together to see who I would be attracted to. Its kinda fun and erotic to even think about it. He soooo wants to watch my first encounter but I don't know if that would make me more self conscious. What do you think? As for my weight issue, well we have talked about that also, he has made me feel lots better as he really did not realize I was so worried about it. He says if someone doesn't want to play with us just because of that then that is their loss cause he thinks I am beautiful and sexy. (I guess it doesn't hurt to be reminded) Anyways, I have decided to hold my head up high and find someone who likes bigger women and have them worship my sexiness LOL. I have really enjoyed the openness my hubby and I have been sharing over this, we have been talking about everything and I am feeling more comfortable minute by minute. I am glad hubby is so concerned over my enjoyment...kinda kinky. So I am gonna find me a playmate and get comfortable then if he is lucky I'll let him join.LOL Just wanted to say thanks to all of the experience people who take the time to answer the newbies questions, I have learned alot and we feel we are ready to explore. Hopefully my first experience will be a great one, and hopefully hubby can join and then who knows what will happen. I will keep you posted

[WesternSwing]

Good luck! And please do keep us posted and feel free to ask any questions you or your husband might have.

Mr. WS

[NewToTheScene79]

As a Newbie couple as well, reading your post has helped me realize that I am not alone in the feelings I have. The Hubby and I also decided to find a woman to start out with but I am getting lots of negative feed back about finding a "unicorn". Are you having the same problem? Thanks, Heather