My husband wants to swing

[cy_ay]

Hi. I am 28 years old my husband is 26. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. I was his first sexual experience. He is wanting to know what another woman is like, how she feels, tatse etc. I am very scared. I love my husband and view sex between one man and one woman.

I am here because I am considering doing this for my husband so he can have the experience of another woman. I am afraid if I do not do this then he will cheat on me. I feel the curiosity will get the best of him.

I am afraid of the outcome of how I will feel, how things will be.

Is this something I should be considering? I am so confused and scared. I love my husband very much. We have 2 children.

Does swinging change marriage alot? Does it bring up more insecurites? I need advice. Please Help?

[VegasLee]

No, you should not be doing this for your husband. You are already concerned that if you don't he is going to cheat. Swinging is sex but is also about trust and honest communication.

Do this if you BOTH want to honestly do it. If you are not comfortable about doing this because you WANT to experience it then you should not do it.

Don't ever be talked into or frieghtened into anything. You will regret it later.

[VanHlebar]

Dito to VegaLee. You need to want to do this also. I would highly suggest that you talk to your husband and find out what really is driving his desire. If the two of you can talk openly about this it will help you at least understand where he is coming from.

With that being said, just because you understand where he is coming from doesn't mean you should do this. You have to want the experience also and from the post you have made, it seem pretty clear to me that you are not either ready for this lifestyle yet or plain and simple are not intrested in it.

As others I am sure will tell you, this lifestytle is not for everyone and that is ok. Just continue to talk with your husband and hopefully everything will work out.

Btw, Welcome to the board!

-Van

[RenoFantasy]

Vegas nailed it. I'm not saying you shouldn't consider swinging. For a lot of us it works great! For many, however, it does not. First thing you need to do is trust your husband to not cheat. Until then, proceed no further. Once you trust him, here are my recommendations:

a) Do a LOT of research on this. There are numerous web sites devoted to the lifestyle. Do your homework. You've taken the right step in having the courage to ask questions. Ask as many questions as you want, we are a very friendly community.

b) Ask yourself if this is something YOU are interested in. You REALLY gotta think hard on this, and don't go trying to convince yourself "for his sake" that you want to. In the end you'll only hurt yourself and possibly your marriage. The best rule of thumb is that if ONE of you is swinging, you BOTH should be swinging together.

c) Discuss it with your husband. Communication is the key to all successful relationships. ESPECIALLY those who swing or are considering swinging. Find out if HE is comfortable with the idea of being with another woman, AND if he thinks he can handle the idea of YOU being with another MAN! Research together and have calm discussions. Ask questions together, of each other and of people in the lifestyle.

d) If, after all the above, you are still curious, see if you can meet someone IN PERSON. Find a couple who will understand that you are new and not sure if this is for you. People who don't mind explaining things and, should it go to THAT level, will take things at a pace YOU are comfortable with.

e) IF you decide to give swinging a try, take it slow. Decide IN ADVANCE where you would like to EVENTUALLY be (such as full swap, soft swap, no swap, same room, different rooms, etc, etc.), but don't just jump into that! Especially if you eventually want to be on a more hardcore level, like full swap in seperate rooms. Get to know a swinging couple as friends. Do non-swinger related activities.

f) When and if you DO decide to start swinging, remember that it's okay to say no if you're getting uncomfortable. Your playmates will understand and will not hold it against you. NEVER do anything because you feel obligated. That will only hurt you, possibly your spouse, and potentially your playmates.

The biggest key here is communication. Always discuss with your spouse ANYTHING that is on your mind about the lifestyle.

I hope this helps. Sorry if I ramble. :P

Matt

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by cy_ay

Hi. I am 28 years old my husband is 26. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. I was his first sexual experience. He is wanting to know what another woman is like, how she feels, tatse etc. I am very scared. I love my husband and view sex between one man and one woman.

The notion of sex with other partners is one that is usually safely tamped down and "safely" packed away, never to be thought of again, once a couple becomes exclusive/married. Nobody asks the question, therefore it does not need to be dealt with. Swinging is nicknamed Pandora's Box because once questions are voiced - like the one you're grappling with now - they can't be denied. The question must be answered, or it drives you crazy. Your husband's curiosity is 100% normal. So are you concerns. In line with all of the above advice, communication and serious meditation on the issues at hand are in order. You have to say the things that are obvious to you, but uncomfortable to express. You need to tell your husband that you're really scared of what this will mean to your relationship, and to elaborate on that, what your relationship means to you. Every couple (I think) says a quick, "I love you!" as they're heading out the door to work, or when we've received a present, or sometimes just because we feel like it. But I think our parnters need to understand how much we love them, and why we love them so much.

So. Basically you're going to want to let him know that you really want him to live a happy and fulfilled life, but you're experiencing some serious fears about the unknown, and what this might do to your relationship. People react in extremely unpredictable ways to their first experiences.

How open are you to changing your mind about your beliefs about sex and relationships? Because you won't be able to do this painlessly without giving up the notion of strict sexual monogamy. For swingers, love and sex are two different things, and it's important to be able to discern one from the other. One is the method, the other is the reason.

Originally Posted by cy_ay

I am here because I am considering doing this for my husband so he can have the experience of another woman. I am afraid if I do not do this then he will cheat on me. I feel the curiosity will get the best of him.

I am afraid of the outcome of how I will feel, how things will be.

Is this something I should be considering? I am so confused and scared. I love my husband very much. We have 2 children.

I understand how this must scare the hell out of you. Tell your husband why you are so afraid, and what sort of pressure you are feeling. Tell him that you are considering compromising yourself (your beliefs, your spiritual and emotional health...) to give him what he wants so that he will please, please not cheat on you. If this doesn't just break his heart, kick that man in the ass! No one should ever expect his or her partner to compromise themselves for their sake. No one ever wants to be put in that position. Now I understand that he probably isn't blackmailing or coercing you in a very blunt way, but unless you speak up about your (very important) feelings on the matter, he won't know about them. The quality of YOUR life experience is worth every bit as much as his.

The trouble is, when we demand that our feelings be respected, there must be consequences if they are not. Like leaving the relationship, for example. Don't draw the line unless you're ready to back up your ultimatum.

Originally Posted by cy_ay

Does swinging change marriage alot? Does it bring up more insecurites? I need advice. Please Help?

Yes. Yes it does. Well... actually no. It isn't the swinging that changes the marriage; it's the couple who own the relationship who make the changes. Swinging just provided the opportunity to do so. And yes, if you have insecurities to start with, this will inflate them like the Goodyear blimp. By allowing your husband the freedom to have his pick of women again, just like when he was single, he's going to feel like a kid in a candy store. I really enjoy knowing my husband gets to feel that way again. But anyway, it means that he now has a choice: now that sex is no longer something that only YOU can offer him...what other reason does he have to go home with you? Seriously, I think this is probably at the heart of most people's insecurities about their marriages. "Gotta stay in shape, gotta learn the latest sex trick from Cosmo, gotta study the Kama Sutra...or else some other person is going to be able to offer him/her something more than me...and I don't feel that I'm worth sticking around for otherwise." Maybe you don't agree with that, but that's my take on things.
So, while it does raise the stakes a bit, and it keeps a girl on her toes, I enjoy that it forces me to work on myself as a person, in order to be able to proudly say - with conviction - that I am the best woman my husband is ever gonna find. I don't worry that he'll find someone else, because even if he did find a woman who could give him better sex than I could (hasn't happened yet, BTW), I'll just think that's great that he gets to experience the great sex AND life with a high quality woman like myself.

I can't think of any other couple's activity that so completely forces people to examine themselves, examine their life and the way they live it, and examine whether or not they and their spouses are really together for the right reasons. It's as real as it gets. It's like marriage boot camp! Expect some lessons to hurt a little, expect the bumps and the bruises to the ego and the heart; the difference between whether you fail or succeed at it is going to be in your dedication to one another, how true your love is, and how willing you are to forgive one another for the unwitting mistakes you commit against one another. 'Cause they're gonna happen. He WILL do things that make you uncomfortable, or maybe even hurt. Making mistakes is how we find our boundaries. So instead of calling a divorce lawyer, you simply say, "That really hurt me, so please don't do it again." Then you forgive, have some really great make-up sex and move one.

Wishing you both luck with this. Both of you should be reading up here at the board (lotsa great stuff!), and make sure to talk until you want to puke. It's a lot of work, but for those who really want to succeed at it, the payoff is huge.

[sereneiders]

Dito with all above.

Now, the advice you got so far comes from the lifestyle, but you`re still facing a problem here, and it has nothing to do with the swinging lifestyle.

I believe you're trapped here, because it reached a point where you're uncertain about your relationship. You may be even thinking of how genuine is the way he's valuating your relationship... since he had no chance to compare you against other women, he wouldn't be CHOSING you, instead ACCEPTING you. And if he ever have the chance to compare you against someone else... why do you think he could find out he made a mistake?

So, if you give up and let him do it with someone else, you may loose him, and if you don't, you'll remain uncertain about how solid your marriage grounds are (besides, expecting him to, sooner or later, cheat on you to answer himself the same question).

I cannot talk about what may be happening to him, because I didn't read his words, I only read yours, thus I'll focus on you here. You're talking about your fears, and not about his supposed needs.

And it seems to me that your fear is that, should he give it a try with another woman... with ANY woman, you have big chances to loose. You seem to be pretty insecure about what you have to offer to him in bed.

If you were pretty sure you're a sex goddes, you would be hiring a whore for him (he won't be cheating on you, insthead you'd be giving him as a gift the chance to have the experience he seems to need from own your words), being certain that he would come back home and get over it.

So you feelt it would be best to have control of the way such an eventual experience evolve. For that, you'd have to be there, thus you ended up figuring out a threesome would be appropiate.

Let's give it a second tought. Let's suppose you manage to be there and control the situation in a way you'd ensure to win. How genuine such an experience would be for him? The experience he lacks is to be with another woman ALONE, in a fair scenario as to be able to make a valid comparison among you two, because you'd be there to bias his experience interpretation towards your own interests. And he could (should!) notice it (and I'll get back to this later).

Being there could barely mitigate the problem, but it wouldn't solve it, it may be even worst because if he feel his experience interpretation biased, he could end up realizing he needs you NOT to be there.

Now about what you may be doing to contribute to this problem: you're asking for a way to take the control on your hands, depriving him from it. If this is true... how certain you are by now that he already didn't noticed your greed for this control, perhaps from your reactions when he bring up this subject, from the way you behave when he's in front of other women, or things like this? If he feels you so greedy for control the situation, he may become suspicious and believe that YOU'RE RIGHT about your own insecurities: that you're not good enough for him so he'd be missing something in his life.

I don't know on how important it is for him to have another experience, what I believe is that it is SO important for you that HE DIDN'T HAD IT, that you may be the one dragging his attention to this issue. You may end up being the snake bitting your own tail, dying from your own poison.

I may be wrong here, but I believe it is worth to ask yourself who's the one having an issue about his lack of experience, if he, if you, or if both of you.

You both need to talk, and I'd suggest you to seek conceling for this.

[pumpkins1970]

The advice everyone has given you is very good, I would listen well if I were in your situation. I had a friend whose marriage was on the rocks when they decided to try swinging as a way to rekindle that "spark". It only made matters worse, now they are in the midst of a heated divorce battle. Please do yourself a favor and get you relationship in order before(if at all) you decide to swing, and do it only if you want to, not to please your SO.

[Fantasy_Partner]

Dito With the above, don't do it your not ready.

The emotions in themselves can be overwhelming, without involving other concerns.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by cy_ay

Hi. I am 28 years old my husband is 26. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. I was his first sexual experience. He is wanting to know what another woman is like, how she feels, tatse etc. I am very scared. I love my husband and view sex between one man and one woman.

I am here because I am considering doing this for my husband so he can have the experience of another woman. I am afraid if I do not do this then he will cheat on me. I feel the curiosity will get the best of him.

I am afraid of the outcome of how I will feel, how things will be.

Is this something I should be considering? I am so confused and scared. I love my husband very much. We have 2 children.

Welcome cy_ay, glad you found us.

I agree with everyone else, swinging has to be something that is entered into because you both want to do it. Manipulation is only asking for resentment, and if you don't want to do it and feel that if you don't he'll cheat, you are being subtly manipulated.

You have much apprehension already, which is the first red flag that doing this is not right for you. It works for us because it is something we both love to do, and it isn't just the having sex with others, it's the watching each other get our groove on. We don't need sex with others to keep our relationship together, it is the excitement it brings into our relationship together. It's hard to explain, but it's like watching porn, except your spouse is the star... It's a huge turn-on to us. It's not replacement sex, it's additional sex.

Does swinging change marriage alot? Does it bring up more insecurites? I need advice. Please Help?

Does swinging change a marriage? Yes. For those that enjoy it together it can make a happy marriage even better, but the key here is that once again, both members of the couple want to swing, not just one. Our relationship has gotten much tighter as swinging removed the jealousy surrounding sex from our relationship and focused in on the things that really make us a couple: companionship, friendship, love, etc. We really know now why we are together, and it's not just because we have great sex. It's so much more.

It's these reasons we are married. I've said before that we both had great sex with other lovers and our ex-spouses, and it obviously wasn't enough to keep us in those relationships. It wasn't great sex that made Mrs. WS want to introduce me to her family or her at the time 3-year old daughter. It wasn't what made her ask me to marry her. It was me. She didn't marry my dick, she married me.

Does it bring-up insecurities? Yes, as you've found out. Even experienced swingers sometimes deal with insecurities and thus jealousy. It's how you manage it that makes all the difference. Stuff comes up you never knew you'd feel or thought would bother you. In fact, if there are issues it will just intensify them. The reason we can swing is because our marriage is so rock solid to begin with.

Originally Posted by pumpkins1970

I had a friend whose marriage was on the rocks when they decided to try swinging as a way to rekindle that "spark". It only made matters worse, now they are in the midst of a heated divorce battle.

A single female friend made an interesting observation after attending a meet-and-greet party with us a month ago, she said "Swinging is like icing on a cake. But if the rest of the ingredients aren't there to make a solid cake you can't count on the icing to hold it together and keep it from crumbling." It's one of the best analogies I've heard, and it came from a curious non-swinger.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

OK...now I know your fears are the same as a lot of others. (Sorry I didn't see this post before responding to your first one.)

These guys are right...you shouldn't do anything just for your husbands pleasure, unless it's between you two. In the swinging world it's different. You should expect that other people are going to want to have sex with you. If you have NEVER thought of this before then you will have more trouble than most acclimating yourself to the environment. You may never warm up. That is ok...and should also be okay with your hubby. Your relationship comes first...always.

Again...good luck to you.

M.D.

[MoonLightKiss]

Like you, my husband and I are new to the lifestyle. But I understand where you are coming from because I was there several years ago. I can offer no advice on whether or not you should join the lifestyle, because frankly, everyone else has said it. I do know this though. Several years ago, the subject of swinging was brought up in our marraige by my husband. I was unsure of what to do, I also thought that if I did not do this, he would start to cheat. I felt pressured and scared at the same time. Luckily, I found another couple who had been in the lifestyle for some time. We met them for dinner one night and they both saw how I was feeling without saying a word. They invited us back to their house. They sat us both down and gave us the reality check we needed. The husband in that relationship basically said to my husband that he should be ashamed of himself for pressuring me, and the wife looked at me and instead of taking pity, kicked me too. She told me I should be ashamed for not standing up for myself. She told me I was a woman not a doormat. We left their house, my husband with his head bowed in shame, and me with tears running down my face. They had hurt our feelings. And I thank God every day that they did. When we got home, I realized she was right. I turned to my husband, told him that while this idea of swinging did sound fun, I was not ready. If he insisted on being with other women before I was ready, he knew where the suitcases were and where to find a hotel. I went to bed. The next morning he called his boss and took a personal day. We made an emergency appointment with a marraige counselor. He had listened to me, and had realized there must be something more going on than either of us realized. So, here we are three years later, and we are both comfortable with this idea. So we are here to try. Are things perfect? NO absolutely not. Will things ever be perfect? Don't we all wish. Do I trust him and does he trust me? Absolutely without a doubt. That is what it all boils down too for us. I know beyond any doubt that no matter how many men or women either of us decide to have sex with, we will go home together. I trust him because I know he loves me more than anything or anyone else. He knows all my secrets, my past good and bad, my dreams, my fantasies, my temper ALL OF IT and he still has not run screaming for the door. I trust him, because I know he is happy with me and I can give him the one thing no one else can. My love for him. I know all there is to know about him good and bad and I am still here. He knows this as well. And this was the point we needed to get to before we could actually start this lifestyle. For us it boiled down to trust. Again, I don't know what is going on in your relationship, but a marraige counselor may be something to consider. It sure worked for us. And the best advice I could ever give is this, listen to those who have went before us. Experience is always the best teacher, so listen to those who have some. Anyway, don't know if this will help or hurt. If I should have just kept my mouth shut, I am sure others here will point that out, and I would listen to them and keep it shut from now on. I hope everything works our for you hun.

[intuition897]

MoonLight, that was an awesome post!! Thank you for sharing your story. Getting to where you are in your relationship/life/the lifestyle has been a long road to travel, but you've shown that there is no substitute for "doing it right the first time". We live in an age where instant gratification is the rule we all live by. Instant this, automatic that. "Instant fairytale marriage, Just add sex." Yyyyah. What-the-hell-ever. :rollseyes For some things, there are no shortcuts.

Thanks again for posting!

[WesternSwing]

Great post MoonLightKiss! Thanks for sharing it, I'm sure there are many that will relate to your situation and use your advice in the future.

Mr. WS

[in4alook]

There is some brilliant advice in this thread you should listen to it.

[Curious2swing]

We are aloving commited couple that made a decision together to start swinging. If you are having just a little doubt than in our opinion the swinging lifestyle is not for you guys. For me and my wife we want to have sex with other people mutualy.But at the end of the day we will be together. We are still new to the game but that is our take on the situation.