Want to swing but wife is moving too fast

[L&R]

Having a problem here. L is in way too big a hurry to get us signed up with one of those profile sites, buy a camera and get us "in the system". (1) we've only been together a little over 5 months,(2) we haven't even found a good candidate couple for just "soft swinging" to begin with( she want's a virgin couple like her) I've suggested an experienced couple<
She says she wants to find out how many "offers" we will get, just wants to know how many want to fuck her. I've told her that's not right, at this point it would just be wasting other's time..being a cocktease like that. And I'm not really sure I want to hang us up there "like a piece of meat" on display in the window. I'm still looking at the privacy issues, discreation, etc. I just don't think it's time to take this step. We have fine communication skills<<

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by L&R

We have fine communication skills<<

Great that you have fine communication skills but until you BOTH can agree you have no business going into this any further at all.

Five months? You two don't even know each other yet and you want to branch out? This is about having full trust in each other and after that short of time you don't know enough about each other.

Her wanting to find out how many want to fuck her. Sounds like to many games being played here. Your concerned about getting spam, you have a lot more to worry about then that.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by L&R

Having a problem here. L is in way too big a hurry to get us signed up with one of those profile sites, buy a camera and get us "in the system". (1) we've only been together a little over 5 months,(2) we haven't even found a good candidate couple for just "soft swinging" to begin with( she want's a virgin couple like her) I've suggested an experienced couple<
She says she wants to find out how many "offers" we will get, just wants to know how many want to fuck her. I've told her that's not right, at this point it would just be wasting other's time..being a cocktease like that. And I'm not really sure I want to hang us up there "like a piece of meat" on display in the window. I'm still looking at the privacy issues, discreation, etc. I just don't think it's time to take this step. We have fine communication skills<<

Sounds like maybe swinging should be put on a back burner for a while. Maybe indefinitely. It's always best to err on the side of caution. If you're both interested in her apparent desire to be an exhibitionist, try a "hot wife" type of site. And when you do decide to try swinging, I WOULD recommend a more experienced couple. "Virgin" couples tend to have a lot of boundaries to deal with, whereas more experienced couples have got the kinks worked out, they know what they want, and they are 100% more relaxed. Our first couple we played with were much more experienced. They were mature enough to respect all our boundaries, understood if issues suddenly came up, and made us feel as comfortable as we reasonably could under the circumstances. First times are really exciting but are also hell on the nerves.

[L&R]

{L here} So you're telling me R's right? I would have thought all of you guys wanted to Varify we are a couple? R just wanted some support in slowing this thing down, not KILLING it altogether! We were introduced to each other by a lady friend whom I've worked with for 3 years thru 5 boyfriends all of whom would have beat my ass to no end if i even looked at another. R says if we had met somehow else (besides through a swinger couple) he wouldn't have even brought all this up until much later in our relationship (maybe even never)!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Her wanting to find out how many want to fuck her. Sounds like to many games being played here.

You definitely don't want to wet your line without wanting to catch any fish. Don't get started until you are ready to move forward - you could kill your chances down the road.

Originally Posted by Intuition897

And when you do decide to try swinging, I WOULD recommend a more experienced couple.

Experienced couples are also likely to be a little more patient and understanding. Our first couple was quite experienced and wonderfully patient with us. It made the transition into the lifestyle very easy. After they had "introduced us" we were far more "experienced" than many of the couples we met - and were a lot better prepared for the experiences we had.

Originally Posted by L&R

So you're telling me R's right?

No - we are telling you he seems to have a pretty good bead on where HE is. Neither of you are on the same page - it could be because as a couple you are both very "new" to each other. You two may have great communication skills, but the skills of reaching agreements may be lacking - or the level of consideration for each other's feelings may not be fully developed.

The base "rule" when getting into the lifestyle is to go at the speed of the slowest runner. If R is not ready, then you have to wait for him to catch up. If that never happens, then it is not this forum that has killed it altogether. But, simply encouraging you guys to "forge ahead" could damage your relationship.

My question for you, L, is this: What is more important to you, swinging or your relationship with R?

Answer that, and you have your answer to many questions.

Spoomonkey

[DBL D]

Hi L&R, and welcome to the site!

From the looks of it you at least are both reading the posts. That can help...but if you are looking for justification for your own personal points of view between yourselves you are in for some frustration. Your previous posts indicate that you (or at least one of you) have been to swinger functions. You know about rules, etc.

About the posting of an ad: You don't have to hang yourself out there like a piece of meat. You can be VERY specific as to what you are looking for. I would also recommend that you be with a more experienced couple at the start. It is funny how fast you learn things and then can accept them as not being what you thought they were. People place sooo many roadblocks in their paths to "happiness" that they always seem angry about something and it may drive them away from the lifestyle altogether.

I recommend that you continue to talk about what you want in the lifestyle, but place it on the back burner for now. You both may have to compromise considerably and that in itself may make you not want to take part. Your brief time together is also a red flag to a lot of people, unless you both had been in the lifestyle for a while before you met (which it doesn't appear is the case). Fem D and I have been with each other for 26 years and we still find that we aren't on the same page most of the time. (It is getting a lot better. )

One other thing about this idea of seeing how many want to fuck her or additionally (if this applies) to turn people down flat out because of some stupid reason. I know it seems perfectly logical to just tell someone that you aren't a match...but word gets around and before long no one takes you too seriously. You have to really be open to most things if you want to learn about how this thing works. You will have one nite stands whether YOU like it or not. You will have to understand that people aren't always what they say they are. You have the responsibility to be as honest as you can be not just as "honest" as the people you may meet.

Male D

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by L&R

She says she wants to find out how many "offers" we will get, just wants to know how many want to fuck her. I've told her that's not right, at this point it would just be wasting other's time..being a cocktease like that.

Don't worry about the number of "offers". Trust me, if there's several members on the site from your area, when you do post an ad, you'll most likely get plenty of inquiries.

So, I'll agree with the rest, slow down a bit, get on the same page, and enjoy the journey together.

[L&R]

My question for you, L, is this: What is more important to you, swinging or your relationship with R?


{morning all} R isn't awake yet. Spoo(can I call you that?) R is definately more important, and he feels the same about me. I'm 24, he's 34 married twice, first 3yrs then 7yrs. I've met his ex, they are still friends she's 18 yrs his senior. I haven't been fortunate enough to have had any long-term relationships that have lasted more than a year. I seem to attract only jealous control-freak types, I guess I'm just in a hurry to find out if R is "as advertised" but not in a hurry to do the deed to find out. I'm getting older and don't want to "waste" anymore time on losers.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by L&R

I'm getting older and don't want to "waste" anymore time on losers.

Being monogamous doesn't neccessarily make a guy a loser...



The truth is, many women find out if their men are control freaks without ever getting into the lifestyle - or even advertising for it on the internet.

You've been together five months - what does your gut tell you? You don't need swinging to tell you what sort of guy he is.

At 24, you aren't exactly looking at a wasted life. If what you have with becomes long term, then you have a LONG life ahead of you with this "non-loser." If it doesn't happen that way, there is plenty of time for you to find your soulmate. I'm not saying he is or isn't, but it seems to me like you aren't exactly sure. Before I ventured into swinging, I do my best to nail that down. A strong, trusting relationship is more important even than having workable parts.

I am not trying to throw cold water on your enthusiasm to get into the lifestyle, but from what you're telling me, I am not sure your reasoning is right. You have the cart before the horse, so to speak.

And if I can call you "L", then you can most certainly call me "Spoo"

Spoomonkey

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by L&R

...Spoo (can I call you that?)

He's been called worse things...

Male D

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by L&R

...I guess I'm just in a hurry to find out if R is "as advertised" but not in a hurry to do the deed to find out. I'm getting older and don't want to "waste" anymore time on losers.

Owww! If I were "R" I would be hurt by that one. You seem to be the one who wants to advertise, NOT him. I think I see what you mean by wanting to find a man who suits your taste but does this mean that you are looking for a man who will let you be free as a couple or what? Is this your way of determining if he is a jealous-control-freak-type so you can be happy the rest of your life? I think this is why I might feel like you should just deal with each other for now and find out what you really want without involving the whole swinging scene to find out.

Male D

[biblonde]

I just noticed this thread and all I can say is wow....first off I do have to say you are looking into the lifestyle for the WRONG reasons...you are trying to find out if he is a looser or not??? after only 5 months you should be exploring each other not looking to venture out. As someone who has been in the lifestyle for a while now we would turn you down in a heartbeat. What I see here is alot of games being played. You say you are getting older and dont want to waste your time...dear you are 24 years old...still wet behind the ears IMHO. I dont mean to sound harsh but what you said about "R" to me is really offensive. If hubby said he wanted to join because he wanted to find out if I was a looser, or jelous type he would be out the door on his ass. You really dont sound like you are really trying to work on your relationship but only trying to find out just how popular you could be and how many want to get you naked. More like an ego boost instead of inhancing your relationship which is really what the lifestyle is about. playing the "look at me" game at someone elses expence is really "highschoolish" and will be looked upon poorly by others. I suggest you back out of the ego boost mode and work on your relationship if that is truely your main goal here. give it some time between the two of you and find out the old fashon way if he is a "looser" or not. time is the only thing that will tell that. YES we all like attention but to pull unsuspecting couples into your game is just wrong. Unless you tell them upfront....you are into this because you are trying to find out if he is a jelous ass. in which case most couples will run as fast as they can. and again sorry for sounding so harsh but that is how I see it...take it or leave it!

[txduo2000]

I agree with most of the posts put herein, but most of all I definitely agree with biblonde. She is right on the money with her reply and it absolutely needs to be given some thought, L.

[L&R]

R: My...My...Goldylox has been on the computer while I showering this morning. Ok, the only thing I'm upset with is the revealing of my ex's name and age. Ok..let me try to translate what she meant and damage control..She wasn't calling ME a loser...Just the last long line of pimple faced boyfriends she's had. Seems they all had on thing in common...they had a pretty girl and were determined to keep her "in line" by whatever means necessary. In short, all her would-be "prince charmings" all turned into PIGS in due time. She's wondering If I'm going to be the same. She's wondering if I'm going to just "use" her n this lifestyle thing, if we start this at all. Yes, she's approaching this for all the wrong reasons..and it would only take about 1 minute with a couple to "test" me! What she doesn't understand is YES I do feel jealousy and the longer I'm "with" her the more these feelings and Love will grow. The difference between me and pimple face nimrod#5 is I've learned to use those feelings of jealousy CONSTRUCTIVELY! To make sex better and each time i feel that way ..it just reminds me of how much I adore my partner. As for all this "not being on the same page" I agree, I agree, I agree. But, I don't believe in the Christian Concept of Marrage i.e. man and woman shall be of one flesh, one mind. Speak in one voice. etc. She's free to speak her mind anytime she feels, and although we might not AGREE it's a damn interesting way to pass the time. Getting there (on the same page) is half the fun. And making up is FUN! Now let's let this one die.....I win it's too early to put up a profile.