Our first talk about doing this the "right" way. Can't agree

[Daddy'sGirl]

It went very wrong.i suggested to my husband we go to a resort/club for the first time.W/we read together about one in the area He is stationed at..His vision is to find a single unattached female.But given the fact that this club offers 50% discounts to single women one can imagine that there arent many.he doesnt want me to have any contact with any man He is very freaked out about the thought of any man around me even looking at me.....i am getting annoyed because the most likely scenario will have to include a couple.(i get the sense from this board that single women are like needles in haystacks)i think he is purposely throwing up road blocks ,which aggravates me because he has already had his "experience" with swinging Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female and i want mine.he started getting very upset with me and said i should get off this board(lol).i guess its just too soon after O/our "situation" so i will leave it alone for awhile.But the resort/club idea looked so great,safe and discreet we could go at O/our own pace and not even do anything at all at first if W/we didnt feel comfortable.

[VegasLee]

After reading your other post and now this one my personal thought is you two really need to get away from swinging and work on the two of you.

I see many problems coming your way. What is more important to you two, swinging or your relationship?

Trying to "even the score" is no way to look at this lifestyle. Seems that there is way to many problems between you two to envolve other people in your life.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

After reading your other post and now this one my personal thought is you two really need to get away from swinging and work on the two of you.

I see many problems coming your way. What is more important to you two, swinging or your relationship?

Trying to "even the score" is no way to look at this lifestyle. Seems that there is way to many problems between you two to envolve other people in your life.

O/our relationship but I cant help feeling cheated somehow.My rational mind knows W/we need to wait.But there is something else(irrational?) pushing my need to do this.After O/our discussion it seems my desires will have to be put on hold for awhile.

[intuition897]

I totally agree with VegasLee! You two shouldn't be considering swinging right now at all!! I understand that it's tempting because there are fantasies that you want to live out and you feel cheated. But think about it: are you really going to feel proud of that brief moment of smug satisfaction of 'giving him a taste of his own medicine'? It hurt you, and it will hurt him just as much. You should really examine your desire to hurt him, and think of other ways to neutralize it besides getting even.

I know you two have a D/s relationship, but swinging is an entirely different thing; there can be no greater than/less than balance about it. Both people MUST be absolutely equal, and they must realize that they are both equally as powerful as they are vulnerable. In a sense, he has opened a Pandora's box by crossing a boundary. While you don't have a 'right' to hurt him, he should realize how absolutely hypocritical it would be to deny you the same pleasure that he took. And whether you choose to take advantage of that - thereby hurting him - is completely up to you. The whole concept of swinging is based on a power exchange too, just like D/s. The decision of who, where, and when either of you have sex with others is not something that the other can dictate or control without granting that power to the other. And you can always take it back. Basically, it's saying, "I can fuck anyone I want to, anyone at all. But I choose not to because you have asked me not to." You gain a whole new respect for one another as unique and powerful sexually independent people.

DG, IMHO, I really feel that you guys need to work out the resentment and hurt before pursuing the lifestyle further. Swing clubs will still be there, there's no rush. It really is worth it to fix things completely. I fear you will only be disappointed with the outcome if you go into with thoughts of 'getting yours'.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by intuition897

DG, IMHO, I really feel that you guys need to work out the resentment and hurt before pursuing the lifestyle further. Swing clubs will still be there, there's no rush. It really is worth it to fix things completely. I fear you will only be disappointed with the outcome if you go into with thoughts of 'getting yours'.

Dammit I am not over this yet am I? :rollseyes

[twobears]

Hi if you can say the above, you are over it, just don't be set on ever hurting your mate. I lost my first marriage mostly fighting about swinging. I didn't even want to open my mind to what he wanted. I was too insecure as a person and he too demanding, like a father to me. My hubby and I are new and we have been reading this board long before I ever wrote anything about a year. We now have read books on the lifestyle and soon will be visiting our first club and party. One thing that I like about the idea of swinging is I love my husband so much and we gets to experience sex with others, I get to play with the two of them also, mfm and enjoy the other male as well, boy what a way go!!lol facelick We Surrender are together, our marriage is first and that is it!! I love to see him in erotic pleasure, it is hot. This situation can be a tool that you both can use to make a wonderful relationship between the two of you, do you really love him and yourself??? This lifestyle does not have room for malice in your heart, only happiness because of the love and honestity and trust you feel for your darling husband!! Good Luck!!

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by twobears

This lifestyle does not have room for malice in your heart, only happiness because of the love and honestity and trust you feel for your darling husband!! Good Luck!!

We had another very long talk.He is not ready to even begin thinking about this again.It annoys me he isnt"ready"????? he has already done it.What does he need to get ready for? Sitting back and watching me play??? But I thought about your advice and the advice of everyone on the board.Honestly I am not quite sure of my motives at this point.I am even less sure of his resistance.But one thing I am sure of.I respect and love my Husband and I value our marriage.So although I am pouting and feeling "cheated" out of my experience i have agreed to table the discussion until he comes home in 8 months .So for now i will stay on the board gathering as much info as i can,examining my motives and re-connecting with my partner in life.(But i am still pouting )

[WesternSwing]

I've been following your posts, and the comments of others, and the revenge aspect keeps creeping into it. It is an underlying motive, concious or not.

Even if you did swing with another man, how would you feel the next day? My best guess right now is you'd feel guilt. Which is not a good feeling, either. Then you've hurt YOU and him.

And from how you said everything went down, his "swinging" experience doesn't seem to have been all that satisfying for him. It doesn't sound like he had a good time at all. So you may be beating a dead horse here. You'd definitely have a better time with a planned encounter, but cause a rift as big as the Grand Canyon in the meantime.

Intuition and Vegas Lee have it pegged. You two need to work on being a couple before you bring anyone else into your relationship. One thing that strikes me is he is based a long way from you and the very little time you two actually spend together. I can guarantee your relationship isn't as strong as it could be, or needs to be, to swing. You two need much, much more time together to really connect and become a solid couple first.

Mr. WS

I was just going over this post with Mrs. WS and she made an interesting observation. She feels much of this wanting to "get yours now" has allot to do with taking back some power for yourself. Like Intuition says, swinging is not about being Dom or Sub, but rather equality. Even if you are Dom or Sub, you have boundries which both (especially the Dom) have to respect. It doesn't sound like your husband understands that idea yet.

And from me, he is way too jealous, he needs to get over himself before you two can even think of taking swinging seriously. And that type of jealousy will eventually push you away. To quote again, "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." ~Havelock Ellis, On Life and Sex: Essays of Love and Virtue (1937) Many people confuse jealousy with love, in reality it is just insecurity making them feel like they have to control others.

Eventually one gets annoyed with the other's jealousy and control and starts to seek outlets to excerise their independence from them. As Dorothy Dix said "The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads." When one is contolled they rebel. When one is given freedom it is amazing how they often don't take it. Having the freedom is more important then exercising it. Intuition said it in her post:

it's saying, "I can fuck anyone I want to, anyone at all. But I choose not to because you have asked me not to."

And it holds true in every aspect of a relationship, not just sex. Your spouse will do exactly what you tell them they can't. You tell them they can, it's amazing how often they don't.

We hope it all works out well for you.

Mr. & Mrs. WS

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

We hope it all works out well for you.

Mr. & Mrs. WS

Thank You both.Looks like I will just be an observer for awhile...

[invisibletouch]

he started getting very upset with me and said i should get off this board(lol).

I wonder why he would want you off of a board that is being supportive of the marriage and not pushing you into revenge swinging?

He does sound selfish, making rules that he chose not to live up to. I too think you need to Both stop considering any outside activities until the marriage is on stable footing.
I guess I'm just much more into fair play, he shouldn't be making all of the rules with out your input any more than you should. That means not setting up meetings, discussing your interpersonal & sexual relationship with third parties such as that woman or making a rule that only one or the other is allowed sexual contact with another partner-all of those things should be discussed thoroughly and mutually agreed upon- no agreement, no play for either!!

[WiserNow]

I have to agree with everyone else who has replied, with an additional thought or two.

Few situations in life can ever be seen as totally bad or good, and this one is no exception. However, under the circumstances, having other sex partners at this point will definitely be destructive no matter which of you is involved. Sharing sex can be an extremely positive experience, as it should be, but I've known it to ruin marriages just as easily as it enhances them.

You obviously understand that for you to have another male partner would be destructive unless you and the hubby can reach some kind of agreement, but he either doesn't understand that your relationship will suffer because of his extramarital adventures, or he doesn't care. In the end it makes little difference from which side the destructive influences originate, the damage is done.

Your D/s relationship by its definition involves some measure of inequality, which makes it all the more essential that you agree before having other partners. Having known other women in D/s relationships, I can sympathize; however, if what you've said is accurate, he falls short of the Doms I've known. Domination has its advantages, and so does submission....but with authority comes a corresponding degree of responsibility, and upsetting that critical long-term balance in favor of a short-term one-sided gain doesn't make sense. My apologies for any offense taken, but I call 'em like I see 'em, although it's still only my opinion and based on scant knowledge of your personal life.

Wishing you the best, I hope it works out for both of you.

[DBL D]

This just seems to point out the fact that you still have to put your priorities in order. He is being stubborn...maybe. Maybe he's just not cut out for swinging and you think you are. Well, it's all about sharing around here. I too am baffled by his resonses that you leave this board. Doesn't seem openminded at all, but you are being quite the little sex-pusher now aren't you? Hey been there, done that...doesn't work.

Have some patience, keep reading and someday you may get your wish.

Good luck as you learn from all these great people.

Male D