Interested but not sure swinging is morally right

[J&C39466]

Hi board members,my name is J and I'm a married male. I've been exploring this web site for some time now and I'm finding your opinions and expertise very helpful. I've been interested in the thought of swinging for quite some time and have even had some deep discussions with my wife (C). One side of me says that this could possibly be fun and erotic,the other side of me says that this lifestyle is wrong. I have been wrestling with these thoughts over and over in my mind for a long time and at this point,still not sure. I will say that two days ago, my wife and I have gotten closer to leaning toward maybe trying this out and see what happens. I know that communication is a big factor,as all of you have stated many times. I have gotten bolder about talking to the wife about my fantasies and possibly seeing her with another man. We have entertained this thought several times and each time she has acted more positive toward the idea. Anyway,nice to meet you folks and I have really enjoyed reading your responses to other peoples questions. Your thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated.

[NaughtyKitten]

J&C
There are many others here that can give you a more experienced view. I am new to the lifestyle, too. All I will say is that you should not do something you are not sure about. We have had thoughts like this for a very long time and didn't talk about it. Neither of us knew that the other was thinking the same things. It was a relief when we finally talked. You are in a completely different place. You seem to be really unsure yourself. From your description, your wife seems open but not ready either. Keep reading, keep thinking, keep talking and one day you will know if this is right for you.

Its good you found this board. I have found so much support and good information here. Good luck.

[turrywolez]

I agree. Dick and I talked about swinging for years before we were in a place with eachother that we could do it. I am glad we waited and it has made it a good exprence. Dont rush into it if you or she is not ready. The lifestyle is not for everyone and should not be entered into lightly.

[DaveNSheila]

Hello and Welcome to the board. Everyone so far has given you good advice and you folks even seem to have your heads screwed on properly. Like everyone else has said if you have too many doubts keep talking and let things happen naturally you will know if and when the time is right. Good luck and glad to see you join. D

[curious1103]

Welcome to the board. Communication is the key. Make sure to always keep an open mind about things and ask lots of questions. Look forward to hearing more from you.

[DBL D]

I still must pinch myself on occaision to bring it all home. The things I have learned about Fem D in the last 18 months are stupifying. I am so proud of her for finally allowing herself to experience the freedom we "gave" each other. She seems so much more confident in herself these days and not feeling like she isn't sure anymore. She was depressed about all the changes and whether it was right for us for a long time. It took lot's of time and energy to level off where we are now, but I am quite sure that we'd still be having wonderful monogamous sex had this not come up. Now we have the opportunity to be with other likeminded couples and it's really been something, I'll tell ya that. She is still learning that beauty is skin deep but there has been a big change in just the last couple months, and we'd been with a few couples by then.

Hang in there! You really won't know what it's all about though till you get you tootsies wet!

Male D

[Honeyforrest]

I'm not as far as you yet. I have been talking with my spouse about adding some to our sex life. I have not gotten a very positive reaction from her. Trying not to push, but bringing up time to time to encourage her to consider to thing about it. I have suggested MFM. FMF and our couples. I can not even get her to visit a swingers club in another town. We have a ever strong marriage. I have tried to figure what it is she is aware of, but I believe she just think the full thing is wrong. I am not the jealous type. I would love to see her with another woman, man or with another couple. Is it just hopeless????

[DBL D]

Well, if she's never fantasized about having another man (or woman) then it's going to take longer for the idea of it to sink in. This board could be a very welcome addition to her life.

Male D

[BradAndJanet]

J, if you're still not sure then I'd hold on a bit. You don't want to go and do something you'll regret afterward. That's not good for you...or for the others involved.

-B

[Vantabulous]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

That's not good for you...or for the others involved.

Very good point here and, frankly, one that I had considered while viewing a different thread.

None of this is going to come with any guarantees as evidenced by the numerous threads you can find where "chemistry", or rather the lack of it, presents itself in some situations, for example. Unfortunate, but it does happen.

Certainly, this is about the two of you and your enjoyment and pleasure, but your potential play partners shouldn't be looked at as "guinea pigs", either.

From the talks that Mrs. Van and I have had, I've found that there are two "in's" that frequently come up. One is "in the heat of the moment" and the other is "in the light of day". Everyone's familiar with the former but it's the latter that I would suggest that you really need to talk about because it's the one that will jump up and "eat your lunch" if you're not emotionally prepared for it.

Good luck to you.

Van

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by Vantabulous

From the talks that Mrs. Van and I have had, I've found that there are two "in's" that frequently come up. One is "in the heat of the moment" and the other is "in the light of day". Everyone's familiar with the former but it's the latter that I would suggest that you really need to talk about because it's the one that will jump up and "eat your lunch" if you're not emotionally prepared for it.

I like the way you think. Very well said.

[Atilla]

be sure of it before you jump in to anything, discuss not only your fantasies but how you think each other will feel about what happened after. Jealously is a visous emotion which can linger for a long time. It's destructive.

Honeyforrest, yes, it might be hopeless. This isn't for everyone. There is a huge moral dilemma involved for a lot of people. My husband still feels it's somewhat morally wrong. I reassure him that we aren't cheating on each other.

J, I know what you're wrestling with here. When we first decided to get into the lifestyle we decided to try it just once. In that time, if either of us said to Stop, it was done right there. We decided that if we didn't try it then we'd never know whether it was for us or not. You never know unless you try, right?

Welcome to both of you. Remember that communication is the key

[Estaque]

No need to be struck by "analysis paralysis" either. Come on in, the water is fine!

Originally Posted by J&C39466

.... I've been interested in the thought of swinging for quite some time and have even had some deep discussions with my wife (C). One side of me says that this could possibly be fun and erotic,the other side of me says that this lifestyle is wrong. I have been wrestling with these thoughts over and over in my mind for a long time and at this point,still not sure. I will say that two days ago, my wife and I have gotten closer to leaning toward maybe trying this out and see what happens. I know that communication is a big factor,as all of you have stated many times. I have gotten bolder about talking to the wife about my fantasies and possibly seeing her with another man. We have entertained this thought several times and each time she has acted more positive toward the idea.......

Hey J&C,
Your situation is pretty much a dead match for how Mrs naughty and I started.

Lots of talking with each other, lots of internal arguements for and against an MFM.
We gave it a shot and started slow, I mean REALLY slow. From our first soft swap to the full Monty MFM was a little over 3 years.

But once we finaly went "All the way" we wondered why we took so long!

Your on the right track my friend. keep going the direcetion and speed you are on right now and you should be just fine.
Baby steps are a neccesary part of jumping in the great lake of swinging. You always gotta get your feet wet first.

[intuition897]

I think whether your first foray into swinging is a disaster or a smashing success is ultimately up to you...and your relationship. Explaining the joys of swinging to one of my vanilla friends was like trying to explain colour to someone who has been blind since birth. They won't understand it unless they experience it for themselves. The advice of others will only take you so far. As they say, the water's fine, come on in...but you're not gonna know how the water really feels until you get wet.

That said, I would caution against diving in too soon; it sounds like you're still struggling with morality/ethics issues and the "light of day" (as Vantabulous so aptly reminded us) is when it's going to hit you...right between the eyes. If you attempt swinging when you believe you're doing something wrong, whatever physical thrill you get out of it won't seem quite as thrilling the next day when you're wracked with guilt. I'll say this: if you feel guilty of something, then you are guilty of it. If you believe that swinging is wrong because it degrades you or your spouse, and yet you go ahead with it, it means that you have consciously decided to choose your physical pleasure over self-respect or the respect due to your spouse. It doesn't matter what swinging actually is in reality; what matters is what you perceive it to be and what your actions/decisions say about your integrity. But that kinda puts you in a tough place, doesn't it? Can't try it without going against your beliefs, but can't gain a deeper understanding nor a reconciliation of of your beliefs unless you experience it.

Bottom line? Discuss it right to death until you're both so sick of talking about swinging that you want to puke. Then, when you feel sure that neither of you is taking the risk lightly, try some light erotic play that includes other people in some way. Go to a swingers club to soak up the atmosphere. Try flirting a bit and see how that feels. Don't do anything right away. Go home and talk about how seeing each other flirt with someone made you each feel. Reassure one another that neither one of you is hurt by it, or if you are, get to the bottom of those negative feelings. Another thing to reassure one another of is that no one is feeling degraded or "dirty". If this kind of activity causes either of you to feel less respect for yourself or your partner, you should not be doing it. We are able to enjoy the lifestyle because we truly feel no guilt in it. We've surgically separated sex and love. One school of thought says that they each require the other in order to be complete and whole. We say that sex and love can each be complete and whole on their own, and do not require one another, but put together they have an exponential, synergistic effect on one another. We give this freedom away as a gift; we don't ask for it or demand repayment. We've resolved our personal moral dilemma and feel that what we do is actually more ethical and of a higher moral standard than what many non-swinging couples subject their relationships to (namely, lying, game-playing, laziness, pretending, and most especially cheating...to name a few). This is not cheating. It's not adultery. Sex is only evil if it's abused. Adultery is wrong because there is a victim involved; there are no victims here. And if anyoe feels victimized, they shouldn't be doing it.