Need to spice up the sex life, Is swinging the answer?

[gatewaychuck]

One of the couples personal ad sites that I have joined has a spot in your personsal profile asking, "Why did you get into swinging?". Many people have responded , "to spice up an already great sex life." I am still just exploring swinging but I must admit that my sex life prior to discussing the possibility of swinging with my wife was not good. We have been married 13 years and I have been 100% faithful to her. We have very busy lives, both professionals with careers that are very demanding of our time and emotions. We have a 13 year old child and sick parents who require a lot of our time and emotional energy. We even have two dogs that like to sleep in the bed with us! The frequency of our love making had dwindled to once every few months. When I finally sat down with my wife and discussed my unhappiness with our sex life she gave the above reasons and said that we have to make more time for just the two of us. I agree with this to some degree but I have realized after AGONIZING over this for YEARS that I am for lack of a better word, bored with my sex life. I love my wife, she is a wonderful mother to our child, a wonderful daughter and daughterinlaw, her career allows her to affect the lives of hundreds of people and I am proud of her beyond words. She is funny, smart, generous, compassionate and beautiful. I have realized that I need more than just fantasy to satisfy the sexual aspect of my life. I had tremendous guilt about this and frankly was terrified that when I told my wife what I was feeling the results would be disasterous. When I did tell her my feelings she suggested going away for romantic weekends, going to the adult store to buy some toys, watching xxx videos, etc. but I knew in my heart that even though those things would be great, they wouldn't be enough. I honestly feel that I need to interact with others who enjoy sharing their body and mind for sexual fullfillment. Are any of you in the same place?

[two4youinswva]

I don't know if I can give you a good answer to your situation, as it isn't ours, but I would like to comment on your post.

We have been married 13 years and I have been 100% faithful to her.

That is great! Keep it that way and you'll have no regrets no matter what happens!

We have very busy lives, both professionals with careers that are very demanding of our time and emotions. We have a 13 year old child and sick parents who require a lot of our time and emotional energy. We even have two dogs that like to sleep in the bed with us!

Almost all of us deal with this. It's not unusual to feel tired, stretched, stressed and looking for an extra hour of sleep. The most successful couples find a way to make time for each other. We look for ways to spend time together, alone, whether that's in the bedroom or not. We have a lot going on in life, but she is my priority, and I'm not going to forget that or ever let her doubt that. Don't underestimate the importance of making her feel important.

When I finally sat down with my wife and discussed my unhappiness with our sex life she gave the above reasons and said that we have to make more time for just the two of us.

It's great that you guys were able to sit down and talk about your feelings. That is such an important step for a couple, whether swinging or not.

she is a wonderful mother to our child, a wonderful daughter and daughterinlaw, her career allows her to affect the lives of hundreds of people and I am proud of her beyond words. She is funny, smart, generous, compassionate and beautiful.

She sounds like a great lady. Make sure you tell her these things like you've told us. And tell her often!

When I did tell her my feelings she suggested going away for romantic weekends, going to the adult store to buy some toys, watching xxx videos, etc. but I knew in my heart that even though those things would be great, they wouldn't be enough.

These are great ideas! Don't just dismiss them as not enough. They are a great start to rebuilding your sex life together.

I honestly feel that I need to interact with others who enjoy sharing their body and mind for sexual fullfillment.

I guess this is where we part ways. For me, the biggest reason (not the only reason, but the biggest), I enjoy swinging is seeing her enjoy herself and the pleasure she brings others. Now obviously, I enjoy the variety the lifestyle offers, but it wouldn't be worth it or near as much fun if I didn't see the excitement and pleasure it brings her. In other words, "It ain't about me".

Don't feel guilty about having fantasies or wanting to act on them. That's normal.
The only advice I feel remotely qualified to give is this; Work to improve your sexlife with each other first. If you aren't currently fulfilled, then chances are she isn't either. Once you can get it back close to where it once was, then you can start looking to explore in the lifestyle. I think if you try to entice her into the lifestyle at this point, she will feel that you don't want her/aren't satisfied with her, and are looking for permission to find fulfillment elsewhere. That could open up a Pandora's Box of problems for you.

I don't know if this helps at all, but good luck to you, and by all means, keep communicating with her. You will notice throughout the board that communication is the key.

[northindycpl]

From your post, it does sound like you have an open line of communication with her. As others have said- that is the key. If you can freely, openly communicate your issues, and listen to hers then you can atleast start the process.

If you aren't happy-she isn't happy. All it takes is open lines of communication to figure out how to make the change. I wouldn't discuss swinging right now. It may be awhile before you can. But, swinging will do nothing for either of you, if you are not happy sexually at home. I agree with WVA, it is an enhancement to a good sex life for us too. It is so hot to see Mr. Indy be pleasured to me. I just go crazy! It isn't about me, and it isn't about him either, it is about US.

Please clarifiy- Is the sex you do have with your wife, what you would consider to be quality? Is it just the lack of sex that you have issues with? I can't tell from your post.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

It isn't about me, and it isn't about him either, it is about US.

Yes, that is it! Well said!

[TNT]

If you can't find the time in your relationship to make each other a priority and enjoy each other in every aspect, sexually and otherwise, then swinging will not work.

Most swingers are not into swinging because they are having problems within their relationship...they are into swinging because their relationship is a great one and it's somthing they can explore together.

It's been said numerous times...Swinging will not fix a bad relationship.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by TNT

If you can't find the time in your relationship to make each other a priority and enjoy each other in every aspect, sexually and otherwise, then swinging will not work.

Exactly what was I going to say! Dito

[badgirl0372]

We had the same problem. No time, no interest. We'd even been together the same amount of time (13 yrs). Videos and toys just weren't working for us. A friend told me about swinging clubs, and I was interested and told my husband about them. He researched online and found an on-premise club in our town, and we decided to see what it was all about. We went and got so turned on just by the sexual atmosphere of the club... we had an awesome evening, just the two of us. Now we are as giddy as when we first met. It's like a switch got turned back on. "Fun" time has become a priority... we even found a use for our "abandoned" toys. You don't have to swing at these clubs... we don't. You and your wife decide what you want to do, and don't want to do. You could mention the idea to your wife and let her read this post (since it's from a woman's point of view). Maybe you could find a club near you and you and your wife can go strictly for the purpose of monagamously good time. It could be just what you need to kick-start things.

[gatewaychuck]

Here is a bit more information. The quality of the sex we have is very good, the quantity was not that good but I am not an everyday kind of guy anyway. For me, the best case scenario would be to make love 1-2 week, that is what I want, if my wife wanted it everyday, I don't think we would be compatible. I did discuss swinging with my wife a few weeks ago and I did register for a new couples seminar at our local swingclub. We went to the club this past Friday and I had a wonderful time. My wife just told me that she had a good time too! One of her fears about the club itself was that the place would be a dive or the people would be less than savory. The club was very nice considering it is located in a very old 3 story building. I assume people don't get rich running these type of establishments so I didn't expect the fixtures to be the best but the club was clean and the people we met were very nice. Most of the time we spent there after the 1.5 hour tour and information session was spent talking among ourselves, making out in the bar area, and even a bit of dirty dancing! Just being at the club was like an emotional release for me, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt as if I was among like minded people, sexual people who love their spouses and want to be "sexual citizens" for lack of a better expression. The only reason we didn't interact more with others is that the bar/dance area is very loud and I have a very hard time hearing in noisy places, too much rock and roll as a kid! This shouldn't be a problem next visit as they have a downstairs quiet bar which is open on Saturdays, we were their on Friday. When we got home after our evening out, I found that my wife was wearing a sexy bodystocking with a little fabric missing you know where! The rest was too hot for words.
My wifes says she wants to go back but still has some concerns. She is concerned about being exposed to diseases like condyloma and herpes which can be picked up even with condom use during intercourse or during oral sex. I am concerned about this too but I have come to the feeling that you can't protect yourself from every possible negative thing in life and that it is time to enjoy life and not be afraid of it. Thanks for listening.

[TNT]

Thanks for coming back and posting again. It seems you both had a good time. I would suggest both of you reading over as many of the post here on the board as you can, it will help both of you better understand the adventure you are thinking about starting.

Teresa

[Spoomonkey]

For us - the best way I can describe our reason for being involved in swinging is more a matter of "spill-over". She isn't too much for me - and I am not too much for her - but something about us together makes our sexualities just kind run over the banks...

We are the kind of couple that kind of makes most people sick - sneaking onto the elevator to steal deep kisses, spending every lunch just driving around talking, prefering to sit at home together to going off and doing our own thing and having sex more times per week than there are days per week.

That's us. It isn't everyone, but it is who we are.

Our reasons for getting involved wasn't boredom or wanting someone else - it was an adventure that we set out on together; something we just enjoy together.

I know so many people get into the lifestyle - and there are just as many different reasons to try it. We wouldn't say "you shouldn't do it, because..." But for us, we know this wouldn't be a lifestyle for us if we didn't have the kind of marriage that we have.

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

If you enjoyed the just being in the atmosphere why not just stick with that for a while as you read and learn more about the lifestyle and determine what you are comfortable with. There's no need to rush and it's obvious that just that little bit was enough to start a nice little spark.

That way it is still about the two of you. Work on getting your sex life together back on track before you think about inviting others into it.

[WesternSwing]

Well, how about just “to spice-up our sex life”? We did not get into swinging because we were bored with each other. In fact it was for quite opposite reasons. Our sex life is great, when we get to have sex. We also have a busy life, with three kids aged 13 to 2-1/2 (the youngest of which ends-up in our bed by morning, eliminating morning sex most of the time), dog, cats, fish, soccer, softball, work, etc.

We got into swinging to explore fantasies that just couldn’t be explored by ourselves. I’m not a female, and my wife was bi-curious at the time. Couldn’t help her there. Threesomes, foursomes, fun parties with people that are open like us, meeting new friends that think like us… There was much more to it than just wham, bam, thank you Mamm.

I’d say that swinging has enhanced our sex life in a couple of ways. First, sex for a while after swinging is really hot. Second, it has made us really appreciate and cherish our time together. Sex between us has become more meaningful. Maybe that’s a side effect of the rest of our relationship becoming better through better communication.

One rule we have is we don’t have more sex with others then with each other. There have been times we’ve told friends “We haven’t had time for each other in a couple weeks, so would it be okay if we skipped on the sex tonight? Or just soft swapped? (which sometimes has been really, really hot!)

I would say you two need to take some time away from everything else and get reconnected. Then look at the lifestyle again. It sounds like your wife is in the same place as you are, and she wants it to be better between you two also. Maybe once you two reconnect with each other, sex with others will spice up your sex life even further.

Mr. WS