An honest question about FMF

[Curious S]

Please excuse me if I am truly in the wrong place, however I know most of you must have an open mind about sexuality. I am happy married and have been with my wife since we were 13. We have been married 13 years and have two wonderful boys. We own a small business and between that and the boys our lives continue to grow more hectic. Our sex life is still pretty good, although being a male I assume it is never enough. Gathered from porches in the summer evenings 2-3 times a week is not the norm. So I am lucky I guess.

My question is a simple one. While our sex life seems to be ok, the edge that we had seems to come and go. It seems that it only is in true effect on the rare occasions we get out and she loosens up and has a few drinks. Upon a recent date she informed me of her fantasy. It is to have a third female partner. She said it would have to be a stranger and she wanted to make sure she could watch me. I suppose to most guys this is a dream come true. I must admit that I was taken back by such a comment. I would be interested in fulfilling her fantasy but only if it really wasn't Pandora's box. We have a wonderful relationship and have for 22 years. We are in our mid 30s and not so sure about me but she is still extremely attractive. Why would I want to risk this if there is the possibility the outcome would not be good. Believe me I want to spice up our sex life and would love to fulfill her fantasy. I do not want to do it if there is a remote possibility it would disrupt us or our lives. We both are very secure in our relationship and I really don't worry about it, but talking hypothetical and reality are two different things. Hopefully someone could share their thoughts or experiences with me. I would be very grateful for any insight you might have.

Thanks.
S

[good times]

I hate to say it, because it seems kind of like a cop out, but really only you and your wife can answer this question. We engage in sex with others quite often and it has had no effect on our relationship other than adding a little excitement. More than anything you just need to discuss it with your wife, not only the fantasy and how you might fullfill it but also discuss at length how you think you would each feel about it. you will often hear it said the most important thing that successful swinging couples have is good communication with each other, and it is absolutely true.

Actually the hardest part about adding another women for a threesome is going to be finding the other women. The are very sought after and rarely found. Good luck, and be sure and come back and let us know what you two decide.

[Belkin]

Which would you rather: to have tried it once and possibly decided it's not for you, or to be 80 in an old folks home wishing you would have at least TRIED it??

As is said around here often:
- Take it slow
- Talk about it A LOT before you jump in
- Set boundaries that you both can live by

I remember feeling like it would be one of those "can't turn back the clock" moments in life and worrying about whether we would feel like we made a mistake. All I can tell you is that neither of us has felt jealously or regret. It has been more fun than you can imagine.

And as soon as it stops being fun, we'll go back to being Mr & Mrs Average Life. Hopefully, that's a long time off!

[looking2swing]

I will admit that it took several drinks for me to loosen up enough to have a threesome. However, once the wheels were in motion, I think that I had a better time than my husband. It was just important that the limits were drawn before hand. It was a lot of fun and gave me the little push that I need to get my started swinging.

[Curious S]

Thank you for the responses. This is all new to me so you can imagine my thought pattern is all over the place. I am certainly not a prude, but in the 22 years we have been together neither of us have strayed or even talked about it. While I know this isn't straying the reality of turning a fantasy into a real life action carries a certain amount of unknown.

We do talk allot. We have no issues talking about what we want or need. That was always a promise we made way back in Jr. High. That and most arguments are about someone being right. Which is not important in the scheme of things. This I believe has led us to a very successful relationship. I personally do not think that something like this would change much if anything, but I don't know that either. Hence the questions. I imagine it would be easier if she had someone in mind.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I will keep you posted.

[northindycpl]

Yes... The key here is to talk openly about it, and often. This is not a one-time, one comment made you do it sorta thing. From this point on, talk, talk, talk and talk s'more!

Maybe you could invite your wife to this message board, or attend a club together, etc... just to get the conversations going.

Good Luck to you!

[dbsfantasy]

I like your wife, had a similar fantasy (one of many).lol. Are you opening Pandoras box, well it all depends on what you mean by that. mabye i am reading too much into your post. but here is my story:

my husband and i have been together for 18 years, great sex life. one night we were chatting back and forth about our fantasy's and of course his turn included a ffm encounter. And i replied okay, how do we do it?? well needless to say, i had to pick his jaw up off the ground. lol. we immediatly started posting on singer sites and We were one of the lucky lucky ones who found a wonderful single beautiful women who happened to live 10 minutes away. well did it open pandoras box, absolutly. once his fantasy was fullfilled of course i wanted my turn (hehe) i wanted to be watched with another man and or have sex with couples in the swinging scene. he was very reluctant at first, giving excuses, like personal saftey and that he couldnt find a man that he would trust, and after a few negoatiions, and alot of research and reading and exploring, he realized that when we opened our marriage up to outsiders, it was a little selfish for him to just expect us to keep it to only his fantasy and only to women. so now we are looking to open our marriage up to full swinging. he has come around to the idea after a good year of research and discussions (not arguments or badgering) he has opened up to the fact of checking out some of the clubs and parties in our area. I guess my idea of the pandoras box is when you let one fantasy pop out, a few are bound to sneak out with it. lol. my advise, clearly not a expert, but discuss where this will end up and how far you both are willing to take it. is her fantasy just limited to a female, or is it with other partners ?? and please from a womens standpoint, the fact that after all those years of marriage that we are curious (just as men are) about being with other people in no way reflects on our attraction or desire of our spouse. I am more attracted physcally today to my husband then i was 18 years ago, and things arent were they used to be, he has a little more in some spots and a little less in others and i am the same, but i think he is hot and i cant get enough of him. the whole swinging thing for me, is to see how both of us are pleasured by others and to enhance our sexual experiences and to bring us closer. Good luck and just make sure that you are informed before making such a large decision. This could be a wonderful experience if done with honesty and respect. best of luck to you flamethrow

[HotMoCpl]

Gee, that sounds familiar. Here's my story. For over fourteen years (even before we tied the know) I've had little discussions about swapping with her. Around the first part of November this year I figure its time. WHAM!! Suddenly she absolutely NO recollection of those conversations! There were several BIG fights (words only) and for awhile I thought she was really going to leave me. This past Saturday I wrote over two pages of letter to her, and ended it saying that I would never bring it up again. Went out to my wood shop with a case of beer and Jose Quevo. After she read the letter she came out and looked me dead in the eye and said, "You know, maybe its time we did have some fun and enjoy life more." Talk about instant erection! An hour later I went back in the house and fucked her brains out.

My point?! Write her a letter and have her return on too...in writting. You do have too much to loose and would want to cover your six.
Cheers.

I've been a bad, bad, bad wittle boy. -Elmer Fud

[Belkin]

I dunno about the letter-thing. I tried that once (on a different topic) about 10 yrs ago. She read it, we talked the issue through, then she said "and by the way, I'd prefer you talk to me face-to-face. No more letters."

That was the last letter I wrote her to "talk" through a problem. And I think she was right...face-to-face communication has worked out better for us.

Just another perspective.

[Curious S]

Actually I have done both. We talk a lot and we say what we want, but we also own a business together. At the end of the day we see each other but the ability to say what we want when we want sometimes is hard. So I will then put it into an email. Terrible eh? The other point is when I want her to be able to go back and reread what I said an maybe not how it came out or what she thought I said it is always there.


Maybe a club is the best thing. I suspect that would be the easiest for her once she was there and loosened up a bit. That is the key. Not sure inviting her to scroll through the board would help. I think being around real people would invite a deeper conversation.

[Belkin]

A club is probably a great idea. I know Mrs. likes that best. Nothing like seeing someone in person to really get a feel for them.

Best of luck.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Curious S

Our sex life is still pretty good...2-3 times a week...she informed me of her fantasy. It is to have a third female partner...she wanted to make sure she could watch me...I must admit that I was taken back by such a comment...We have a wonderful relationship and have for 22 years... We are in our mid 30s...We both are very secure in our relationship and I really don't worry about it...

Sounds to me like you guys would be ideal candidates for the lifestyle. These things are all indications of that. Lifestyle couples have great sex lives without swinging, usually having more sex together than their peers, they're open and honest about their sexual needs and fantasies, they have great communication and often longstanding, secure relationships, and desire first and foremost to see that their partner is happy (ie: she wants to watch YOU). Also of note, you mentioned that you were taken aback, and were concerned that this may harm your relationship. That's good. It's realistic. However having something to lose is not necessarily a reason to NOT get into swinging; it just means you should be cautious.

"I would be interested in fulfilling her fantasy but only if it really wasn't Pandora's box." -- Unfortunately, it does open Pandora's box. It throws the really ugly questions right up there onto the table and they demand to be answered. If you are unafraid of the tough questions (like, 'are we meant to be together?' 'do we really love one another?' 'are we IN love?' 'will she fall in love with someone else?' 'will she ever be satisfied with just me afterward?' 'will she stop if I ask her to?'...) and you are both able to effectively solve problems in your relationship - and this inevitably raises some controversial issues - then you should be just fine. TALKING is the biggest component of the whole swinging experience... like 90%!

"Why would I want to risk this if there is the possibility the outcome would not be good. Believe me I want to spice up our sex life and would love to fulfill her fantasy. I do not want to do it if there is a remote possibility it would disrupt us or our lives." -- Oh the possibility is more than remote; it's a sure thing. It changes things, there's no doubt. Whether positively or negatively is up to the both of you. It's like going from watching a movie in black and white on your TV to watching it in 3D in an IMAX theatre. Very different experience. Why would you do it? Again, up to you. But why did WE do it? Mr. intuition and I decided that our relationship was important enough that we were NOT going to let something as stupid as sex control it. So sex is no longer a 'button' that we can push on each other. As in 'If you don't _____ then I'm going to have sex with someone else.' or 'If you don't give me what I want, I won't have sex with you/will sulk and refuse to enjoy myself with you.' or 'If I don't stay slim and trim someone else will swoop in and seduce my mate away from me'. These manipulations do not work in our relationship anymore. We laugh at any outside attempts to sabotage our marriage. It truly affair-proofs your marriage.
I would advise you to try attending a club in your area (try off-premises, as it may be a bit slower pace, and a better place to just meet & greet). Be extremely careful your first time out when playing with singles. The emotions that naturally come after your first encounter will be quite strong and playing with an inexperienced or non-swinger, particularly a single, could seriously complicate things. You may find yourself drawn to this other woman who so miraculously provided you with an eye-crossing sexual experience. Not because your relationship somehow changed with your wife, but because of the natural confusion that ensues a first experience. Find someone with experience, who knows that respecting a couple's relationship means refusing to entertain ANY attempts to develop an intimate relationship with one half of the couple. She should know that first-timers need their space afterward to sort through things (and screw each others' brains out, of course) and that she shouldn't push to see them again, and should also be aware of any inappropriate resultant behaviour, nipping it in the bud as necessary. In short, two words: Mature Attitude.
Lots of words here. Hope they helped some.

[Curious S]

Intuition,
Thank you for the reply. In one post you addressed every question I had. Even the ones I couldn't remember to ask. In the last couple of days we have talked about it. Funny how in the middle of the day how a topic like this can carry a different tone. In the evening, relaxed with a glass of wine things are always a little more easy going. Any way...I sat her down and told her about the board and everyone's post. I explained the more I thought about it the more I really wanted to make sure we were ready for such an adventure. So I proposed this....several times a week we both bring something different while we are together. Meaning something new to the sexual experience. Nothing like the next door neighbor with her but something she might have been uncomfortable with in the past because it was not the norm, seemed out of place for a good girl etc. I would do the same. Like we were younger. The difference this time around (emph, many years later) is that we both are a lot mature, we are stronger than ever before and she is interested in something like this. In the past she wasn't. She wasn't in regards to another partner. Work up to what ever comes next. If another partner was it then so be it.

My point is I want to explore every possibility with her,but first just with her. I want us to be comfortable with what ever happens next and we we completely have an understanding of all of our limits what ever they may be then we can move forward. Seem a little conservative? Maybe. Any way I look at it is a big step in what every direction it may go. While we have fun with one another I want us to completely get away from routine and explore like we did when we were younger. Once this is done then I think she and I would be better equipped to go in to something like this. Someone please tell me if this makes any sense or am I just over analyzing it to much?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Curious S

My point is I want to explore every possibility with her,but first just with her. I want us to be comfortable with what ever happens next and we we completely have an understanding of all of our limits what ever they may be then we can move forward. Seem a little conservative? Maybe. Any way I look at it is a big step in what every direction it may go. While we have fun with one another I want us to completely get away from routine and explore like we did when we were younger. Once this is done then I think she and I would be better equipped to go in to something like this. Someone please tell me if this makes any sense or am I just over analyzing it to much?

BRAVO! CuriousS, you guys have it made! You've figured out rule #1 which is that the whole point of swinging is that it's an exploration of your sex life together as a couple, NOT about spicing up one's sex life because one is bored with it. Going slow and advancing only when you're comfortable doing so is the only way to go.