My husband has become a lousy lay

I used too think that my husband was a fabulous lover but lately the last few years have been less than fabulous. I can't put my finger on it exactly, I don't know what is missing or what is not right but I'm having a hard time getting interested and he is still very interested, frequency isn't it. I've tried different positions, different ideas, telling him to try different motions whatever but nothing is working I'm just not getting the satisfaction I used to. He has added a bit of weight over the past few years, about 50 lbs. Is this enough to throw off the rhythm we used to have? If that is so why does his oral technique seem to be suffering as well. I was fairly inexperienced when we first got together but I can't understand why I used to think he was so great and now think many of our swinging partners are much better? Is it the added excitement of the novelty of the situation? Is it me? Is it that we have become too familiar with each other? What should I do?

[Roxysbayou]

I think that we all seem to fall into a routine from time to time. Maybe you could try a weekend away, kind of like a second honeymoon. Or check out the tantra websites and thread. There are a lot of great ideas there to help you get back in touch.

[DragonsLair]

It sounds to me like you've been able to experience other lovers with better techniques, is all. And now what your husband does just doesn't quite measure up. It's a matter of having more experiences to judge against.

Does your husband know you're not as satisfied with his lovemaking skills as you were before you starting swinging? If he does, his confidence level may be down. Maybe he feels like he has to compete with the others and doesn't feel able to.

I think you need to talk to him, outside of the bedroom, about this matter. Reassure him that you love him. But let him know that your lovemaking isn't as satisfying as it used to be. Ask him if he's bothered by anything.

I wish I could be more helpful, but I wish you all the best. This is one of those things, I feel, that can be worked thru with open, honest communication.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Lovers6770]

This certainly sounds like an "ignorance is bliss" scenario to me. My heart goes out to you in hopes that you can once again feel happy and content in your relationship with your husband.

Based on your comments it seems as though several things may be behind your difficulties. I wish I could offer up a few magical suggestions that would solve your dilema, but allas all I can do is recommend that you and your husband try as best possible to talk your way through what sounds like some rather serious issues that appear to be developing between the two of you.

I would suggest that a professionals help might actually serve you both best in this situation. I'll leave you with one of the most simplistic yet most powerful things I have ever learned in my life along with an interesting piece of trivia to contemplate about the human mind that I have carried around with me all my life.

How you feel is how you think you feel ... so keep telling yourself you feel happy & content and you will be. 1nW (nano-watt 1/1,000,000,000 watt) is all it takes to change your mind ... and your life around. To put into perspective how little effort that is, a common light blub uses 100W. With only that little bit of power you could change the minds of every man, woman and child in the world. So give it a try! Starting with person #1 (yourself).

Sincerely,
Paul & Kalin

[Vjklander]

Another possibility here, as women get older, in the 35+ range, sometimes they gradually come to realize that the expected behaviour they have maintained for 20+ years is plain BS. They realize sex is fun. They can and demand to enjoy the full range of sexual expression, oral, anal, multiple partners, bi, masturbation, you name it. I would venture to say that hormonal changes are greatly involved in this too. Also freedom from child-rearing or potential pregnancy is quite liberating. Some guys just can't handle the evolution of their "good girl" into a dynamic sexual creature. Or they are too oblivious to notice. So do yourself and hubby a favor, tell him what is going on. Chances are he will love it once he gets over the initial shock and inevitable adjustment. Doing or saying nothing will just lead to frustration for both of you, so tell him what is going on. Believe me, if you are supportive of each other, the future will be much more enjoyable.
J

[Flori_DAMAN]

I felt that way in my last relationship.

When it was fresh she was the most stimulating person I had ever had sex with. Having preceded the relationship with almost two decades of swinging that said quite a bit.

Other things happened in our lives. We found ourselves incapable of dealing with situations that were a breeze during the first couple of years, but suddenly were major issues.

I dreaded having sex with her at times. I knew very well that anyone in their right mind would love it, as was demonstrated during swinging experiences.

I am not suggesting that my situation is similar to yours. The neat thing about letting your hair down on a thread is that you get a lot of different perspectives. Well, the ones that I have read are great points of view, and I am just proposing that there may be another one.

It wasn't that she lost her lovemaking skills at all. She didn't gain weight but if she did that would not have been a factor anyhow.

It was that underlying problems in our relationship were following us into the bedroom.

I tried to solve them but they were way too huge for me. So I left her.

The loss of lust for your spouse is indeed a serious issue. To compare him with others is indeed a sad state of affairs.

I would suggest that you find someway to get to the bottom of the problem before you lose each other.

Sex is nothing. If you love someone dearly then it does not matter if they are capable of bringing you to a screaming orgasm, especially if you swing cuz someone else can anyhow.

You are in my mind expressing a loss of lust for your mate. That is what you are saying if I hear you right.

Lust loss syndrome...kewl...lets call it LLS....everything must have initials huh?, is a sign of underlying unadressed issues that you gotta either tackle or ignore.

I cannot offer advice but I would consider it very serious.

John.

[JustAskJulie]

It could be a combination of everything you mentioned.

I think the weight issue may be more than just throwing off your rhythm. It may have decreased your attraction for him which may in turn cause you to be less turned on by him.

Having experienced others gives you something to compare him to as well, so you may be seeing them do things that you wish he'd do.

Does he still put the same effort into things like foreplay that he used to? Often when we have been in a relationship for a long while we start to take our partners for granted forgetting that they do need to be warmed up.

[naughty A]

... serious problem

I suggest using caution when discussing this with your partner... egos are very fragile about this kind of thing.

I think you are right some of it must be the newness & excitement of the situation rather than just a difference in technique. Maybe a sex book that you can read in bed and say lets try this page or something...

I wish I had a better suggestion.

Naughty A.

[LarrySmith]

It might be a negative feed-back cycle is going on.
....
He thinks that you are not as enthusiastic as you used to be, and so he is not as inspired to perform and can't give it his all.
You think that he is not "giving it his all" and you don't show as much enthusiasm.
He thinks that you are not as enthusiastic as you used to be, and so he is not as inspired to perform and can't give it his all.
You think that he is not "giving it his all" and you don't show as much enthusiasm.

and on and on...

so what to do? Fake it to Break it!

Sex is 90% mental, 10% physical.
Take charge of your sex one evening, tie him up and shove a dildo in his ass, or put on music and go-go dance naked, tie him to the bedpost and spank him, sneak into his shower, throw him down on the couch and sit on his face when he is not expectin it. THEN moan, OOOOOH, AAAAH, Say "Oh God Yeah, I couldn't wait", etc.
Put on a good act that you find him VERRY much a turn on. He will definately respond to your enthusiasm (who wouldn't respond to an enthusiastic partner) with his own enthusiasm. If you see him enthusiastic, it will make you enthusiastic, which makes him more enthusiastic, which makes you more enthusiastic, etc.

Very quicly you will find that you aren't acting after all. Nothing is more of a turn on than a partner who "WANTS YOU BAD".

[Roxysbayou]

Originally posted by LarrySmith
Put on a good act that you find him VERRY much a turn on. He will definately respond to your enthusiasm (who wouldn't respond to an enthusiastic partner) with his own enthusiasm. If you see him enthusiastic, it will make you enthusiastic, which makes him more enthusiastic, which makes you more enthusiastic, etc.

I definately find this to be true, the more vocal and excited I am, the more excited hubby becomes. It is definatley a turn off to be trying to please when you are getting no response at all.

Plus the male ego is a delicate thing, it needs to be stroked a little sometimes.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by LarrySmith
Fake it to Break it!

What an excellent suggestion!

I know that when we have fallen into sexual ruts, for the heck of it one of us will just do something totally off kilter that just shocks and amazes the other. Before long we are back in the 'swing' of things (no pun intended).

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by LarrySmith
It might be a negative feed-back cycle is going on.
....
He thinks that you are not as enthusiastic as you used to be, and so he is not as inspired to perform and can't give it his all.
You think that he is not "giving it his all" and you don't show as much enthusiasm.
He thinks that you are not as enthusiastic as you used to be, and so he is not as inspired to perform and can't give it his all.
You think that he is not "giving it his all" and you don't show as much enthusiasm.

and on and on...
...

I think you might be on to something there, Larry. I know that J and I have had this happen once or twice in our 22 years together. Anymore, we recognize when it's happening and know it's time to plan one of our weekend getaways, buy some new toys/playwear and tease each other mercilessly for the week leading up to it. That usually does the trick and breaks us out of our rut!

-B

[Elusive BiFem]

Can a single woman throw a thought in here?
I have found, in past long term relationships, that when the sexual excitement started to decrease it was really because I/he/we were actually bored in other aspects of the relationship.
Instead of focusing on the sexual aspects of your relationship, try placing more energy into the more humdrum aspects. Try really hard to make the everyday, simple activities fun and interesting. Try getting back to the common and shared interests you may have had a few years ago. We all get busy...rush off to work every morning, get home frazzled, try to fix dinner, flop in front of the TV, laundry - you know the routine. You mention he's gained a few pounds - join a gym and go together. The days are longer. Maybe throw some sandwiches in a sack and take off for the park or lake for a long walk 1-2 evenings each week. Millions of different things to do, but do them together and make the simplest things fun. I really believe if you take the focus off sex and make it the relationship, the exciting sexual feelings will return. You know what they say about women - men really need to start foreplay in the morning for an exciting evening!
Generally, when your minds are in sync, everything else works beautifully.
Maybe those that have been in long relationships can explain this better. -EBF

[Flori_DAMAN]

[
when your minds are in sync, everything else works beautifully.
Maybe those that have been in long relationships can explain this better. -EBF [/b]

I was in a 13 year relationship, that involved swinging and some kinky shit. Everythint was working beautifully before sudden death kinda changed it.

I am just a single male now.

The idea that a drop of sexual appetite with each other was a consideration. We had both screwed kind of a lot of people.

Tht one thing we always did during the play and afterwards was to re-assure each other that we loved each other. In the middle of the intense sex it was super important to kiss each other and re-affirm our love.

Immidiately afterwards we made it a point to talk about it as soon as we were over the buzz of the intense sex.

There was never any room for anything but honesty.

Hope that helps the younger set.

John

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
...You know what they say about women - men really need to start foreplay in the morning for an exciting evening!
...

Exactly...

-B