Performance Anxiety Ruining our fun :(

[funguy500]

Hello..
I know this topic has been covered in previous posts but I wanted to get a fresh perspective.
My wife and I have been swinging for about 2 years now. We have had more bad experiences than good mostly because of my performance anxiety which leads to my inability to get an erection. We feel this problem must be psychological because I getting harder than chinese arithmatic for my wife and have never had any problems like this. I just dont know whats wrong with me. I mean, Im turned on by the sitution but it just doesnt happen down there. Ive even had orgasms without getting an erection. LOL. I dont even know that was possible until last weekend.
Anyways, we have only had 3 experiences with couples in our 2 years and most have been soft swing. Here is a brief description of each:

1)Our first time. We jumped into it really quickly. Met a couple on new years eve, drank alchohol(not really drunk but not sober either), went back to their place. I was so tense and nervous cause the couple were kinda pushy. Anyways, we where only gonna do same room sex but i couldnt even do that. nothing. no erection and to be honest, not really turned on by the other couple in the least, my wife nor me.

2)Our second time was lot better. The couple was nicer. Met them for drinks first, then 2 weeks later got together with them at their house. had one drink, a little food, hung out, played a game to get things going and went up to their bedroom. At first, it didnt happen for me. The women was really cool about it. We watched my wife and her husband for awhile, and boom, it happened, it was the hardest ive ever had before, but it was definately workable..lol. We ended up soft swapping with them and had a great time.

3)our most recent experience was last weekend after a swing party. We had made plans to meet a couple we had met before at a previous party. We met them there, hung out and drank a little too much but not drunk. When we had met the couple previously, it was just for drinks. My wife and I always make it a point to talk about what we are all into at the first meetings with people but we never did with them. So, we didnt know if they were soft or full swap. Anyways, they seemed like really nice people and we had fun at the party with them. We all decided to go back to the room. The girls started things off. it was weird cause the guy was kinda like not even paying any attention to the women getting it on in front of him. he was more interested in eating patato chips in the room. This made me feel weird about sitting on the bed playing with the girls so i stopped. After things where done with the girls, we undressed and again, nothing happened for me and the other guy was rock hard right away. I thought maybe watching my wife again with another guy would turn me on like it did in the second experience we had, but it didnt help. The girl i was with seemed very put off. I could so tell with the expression on her face. I gave her oral and she seemed to enjoy it. The guys wasnt having any problems and asked if my wife could try full swap and I said yes. What was i gonna say? I felt pressured. They fucked for like 10 mins and i sat there with the girl trying to get hard but it didnt happen

Well.. I just wanna know how I can get over this anxiety issue and be able to get hard with other women and in a group environment. I really dont think the drinking part is the biggest issue because ive drank myself silly many times and still got hard for my wife be we were in the lifestyle. Although, i dont think drinking helped the situation either. I'd love to hear some stories from couples that have overcome this issue. I NEED ADVICE! I wanna have fun too...lol

[Lovethenights]

First, be completely aware that performance problems are NOT rare in the lifestyle, even extending down into the twenty-something range. So you're not alone.
Secondly, the use of alcohol is warned about simply because it has a profound effect on the erectile mechanism. Even though it may loosen up the frontal lobes and help you get past any inhibitions or moral proscriptions about the act, while it's doing that, it's dilating the very arteries and veins you need to close tightly to achieve and then maintain an erection. Moreover, it's pushing your body to destroy the erection causing chemistry you've worked hard to generate during the foreplay period. Find another beverage for the evening you anticipate any lifestyle playing.
Thirdly, profoundly powerful psychological influences may be lingering and lurking right below your conscious horizon that are inhibiting your erectile performance. The good news is that it is usually unnecessary for you to go through the years of counseling or psychotherapy it'd take to dislodge those unfortunate notions. Assuming all else is normal with your health, you may be the perfect candidate for one of the erectile support drugs like Viagra or Cialis. They are typically well-tolerated, very effective, and could give you the kind of erections even your wife has only dreamed of. They would require a doctor's prescription, but trust me, they are worth the expense and the effort. They are huge confidence builders, as well.
Additionally, you and your wife might try hooking up at clubs, where you are not put under such immediate and direct pressure as does a first meeting at another couple's house. You sound like your first three experiences weren't all that different from what lots of folks in the lifestyle experienced early and from time to time. What does come through, though, is your trust in your wife and your interest in her having gratifying personal sexual pleasure. Go ahead and indulge yourselves in all of the enjoyable playing combinations so that you get all of the stimulation inherent in watching and hearing your wife getting it from another man and giving it to another man, then let yourself enjoy some attention from the other woman and then from your own wife. Sounds like you both have lots of fun to look forward to so "Good Luck!"
Oh, almost forgot the personal experience part. Having never had a erectile issue, I was totally intimidated when we decided to attend our very first Lifestyle convention in Dallas, since we'd never actually had sex out in the open in front of other many other couples. In anticipation of that issue, I took a single Viagra tablet. Eight hours, six women, and seven orgasms later, I was completely hooked on the lifestyle convention idea. I'd never had more than two "Big O's" in a night. It was awesome.

[funguy500]

thanks for the response.
a couple things. First, the second experience to me was really successful and I was a someones house. To me, it was alot less stressfull to hangout with a couple, talk for a little while and then swing. Parties to me are alot more stressful. Secondly, getting erections that might wife could only dream about happen all the time when we are together. Thats not the problem. The problem is that they dont happen when we are with other couples. I heard that viagara wont work if the problem is psychological, like mine seems to be. Anyone heard this too?

Any more comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[rdy46227]

Originally Posted by funguy500

{snip}
I heard that viagara wont work if the problem is psychological, like mine seems to be. Anyone heard this too?

Any more comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Actually, it (or cialis or levitra) can help a lot.

If getting an erection is like riding a bicycle up hill, wouldn't it be great to have something that would keep you from slipping down hill without impeding your uphill progress?

These drugs can help you keep what you get, so you can eventually get hard, even if it's in small increments.

And when you realize you don't have to keep concentrating on not loosing what firmness you manage to work up, everything gets easier.


Getting an erection is actually the brain stopping its' inhibition of the body's arousal facility. In other words, an erectile state is the default, and it's only the brain that holds it in check.

If you can make any psychologically progress toward an erection, the brain will allow the arousal facility to start the chemical process leading to an erection. The drug affects things by keeping the chemical cascade (once started) going for an extended period, even if the brain returns to its normal state of signaling the initial cascade not to start.

[BiloxiCouple]

If you decide to use medication, talk to your doctor first. As always.

Alcohol is a problem with the stress/anxiety/performance of swinging. Less alcohol. More relaxed. Go with the flow and chant with me. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Oh, oh, oh, ooooohhhhh, I DID IT.

You're welcome.

[likeitalot04]

Do yourself a favor and simply get a prescription for Viagra...it is no big deal, just tell your doctor you are having problems with erections without mentioning the swinging. Viagra has become one of the most prescribed drugs in the country and there is no reason to be embarrassed about it. Viagra works great and are not addictive or habit forming...they will make you feel like a 16 year old virgin again. Use them when needed.

Here is a tip...get your Dr. to prescribe the 100 mg dose then cut the pills in quarters...25 mg is all you will probably need and it is the best bang for the buck (a little play on words there). If your insurance covers a few pills a month you will have more than enough cutting them with a pill cutter you can buy in any drug store.

Ask your doctor if he has any samples so you could try it, my doctor got me started on them without me even asking...he said, "Try these, I think you will like the results"...sure enough, next visit I asked for and received a prescription...he was the one that suggested getting the higher dose and cutting them because my insurance would only allow a certain number a month the same number no matter the strength. By cutting them I have nearly enough for daily a dose day though I only use it when we want to have an extended play session. My wife says she can't tell when I take it and when I don't, but I sure can tell...it is great!

You will not regret trying it, take it before you play for you evidently you don't need any help at home. It is at least worth a try! It could help the psychological confidence after a few successes you may not even need it any longer....but I would bet you would take it anyway.

Good luck...

[BiloxiCouple]

If you cut your pills, let your Dr. know. There may be some pills that aren't to be cut for more than trying to save a few dollars. Hopefully, Viagra isn't one.

As for me, all my other meds preclude me from taking Viagra now.

Insurance is a necessary evil, but can extend your life without ruining you financially. Living proof here.

[funguy500]

lol.. i wonder if the chat will work. I will definately try it . I was kinda hoping there would be some way to overcome this with using drugs. hmm.. the more i think about it though, maybe it would help just as a confidence booster for a certain time and then try things without the drugs.

this is so helpful. keep the comments coming!

[funguy500]

are viagra and cealis really that different?
damm. i was hoping that i could do some excersises or chant in tougues rather than solve this problem with drugs. Especially since its not really a medical problem. But hey.. i know my insurance covers this, so what the hell i guess,,

[tribbles]

I NEED ADVICE! I wanna have fun too...lol

This jumped out at me cuz it appears you can only have fun if you have an erection, right?

We don't measure fun that way. Recently we went to a party, hubby didn't penetrate anyone but he ate two ladies and he came home grinning from ear to ear cuz he had fun playing with them.

It sounds like you meet a couple, then consider the swap the 'important' part....why not play with your wife first or even do more of a group activity?

If she is sucking the other guy and you are either in her hand or penetrating her and the other lady is sitting on your face......well, you get the idea...even if you aren't hard, your wife can be touching you and the other guy while you touch the other woman and in the right positon, the other couple may find a way to touch as well facelick

You also mentioned that the girls played, so your wife is bi? Why not have the other guy penetrate either female, the other female can lick the clit of the woman being penetrated and you can eat the pussy left in need of attention. facelick

Hopefully even soft, you would be having fun and when you got home and thought about it, you and your wife could go at it again cuz talking about it could get you hard.

Eventually, just relaxing that way and knowing you can always finish at home later with your wife, would help you overcome the anxiety.

Now go play "outside the box".

[likeitalot04]

Haven't tried the others but Viagra is good...trust me you will like it, once you get hard you can do other things and you will keep that hard on...keeps working while you are eating then you are ready when needed.

My doc knows I cut them in half, in fact it was HIS idea to get more from the insurance company.

Try it, you will like it!

[matt1s3]

I think you just need to get it out of your head. This has happened to me during my first 2 ffm experiences and I'm 28 and very high sex drive. I knew 100% it was just a fear of not getting it up that caused me to well, not get it up. As soon as one of them fell asleep and it was just myself and one of the girls, everything started working immediately. It was just the pressure of it all.

Once you can do it a few times and build the confidence, I bet it won't happen again. Maybe you should try viagra or something just a couple times so you are comfortable and have done it a few times then you can skip the viagra and be on your own.

Again though, it's completely mental. The more you worry about it, the more it's going to happen.

[ShellyM]

OP, this is a very common problem with men, especially when you don't play too often. Medications are effective from what I hear. Please do NOT borrow them from others or go online to get them.....you need to go to your doctor who knows the condition of your heart and health before you start taking these medications. Alot of times people think these are just harmless drugs and take them like candy...I've been to parties and seen men just passing them out. Please do NOT do that. I can agree with Tribbles...however, you will find that most women WANT cock at some point...myself admittedly included. You will find threads filled with frustrated women (again, myself included). So I know that there is alot of pressure on you gentlemen from the ladies. I think you are just the type of man that would do really well with couples that you know well and are comfortable with. Its hard being able to relax around strangers, this is where alcohol is helpful...but then its not friendly to erections. So you may find that hooking up on a regular basis with couples you get along well with will help your problem.
Best of luck to you,
Shelly

[Mr. Truelove]

I can bet you don't want to hear it, but seriously, skip the alcohol one time.

Sure, it might not be the alcohol alone. But it certainly isn't going to help things along either. I would be doing everything I could physically to make things are 100% and then, when you are sucessful in the swinging enviroment, you can take that new found confidence a lot further.

But yeah, I've been in those shoes before and alcohol was the factor, even though when I am at home I could be completely hammered and still get it up with my wife. Go figure.

Mr. Truelove

[couplewanting50]

You might find separate room play to make a huge difference, too.