Fell in Love with a Swinging Partner

[Sadie]

Please I need advice...

I met a couple in late May of this year and we have been playing together since that time. Problem is that I am a single female and I have fallen in love with the man. This couple is not married and have been together for 4 years. She has only joined him and myself twice in all the time we have played. He and I call each other, instant message each other and he has come to my home just to visit. Is it wrong to ask him his feelings about me. We tell each other "I love you" but does he love me like a friend or is there something more. Yes, I have played with other couples, and single males/females so he is not my only sexual relationship. We are very compatiable in likes, dislikes, unbringing, etc.; and I have fallen hard for him. What should I do???


For those who asked yes, he knows my feelings. And yes, they are having problems in their relationship. HELP I have tried staying away from him but only made it three weeks before I wanted to see him again...

[sexypairca]

Yours is a difficult situation but I'm confident in the fact that you should stop swinging with him/them, now and for good. These feelings would be difficult to keep on the back burner and sharing them with this couple would likely end the friendship.

Obviously the boundaries have been broken, and feelings beyond friendship can be a potential concequence when dealing with human beings. The boundaries may not have been cut and dry, but I'm sure that playing for keeps wasn't part of their game plan.

I don't doubt the seriousness of your dilemma but I would not advise you asking if his feeling are mutual. After 4 years together, I would consider him to be a married man, not up for grabs. Wanting something that you cannot have is not wrong but pursuing it in this case would be. The red flags should have been up with the exchange of I love you, I doubt that his significant other would be impressed.

Does his partner know about the continuous contact between the two of you, email/phone etc? I am curious to know if this is the first time that you have been involved with a couple that will play solo with a single, just wondering how opportunity contributed to the senerio.

Good luck

Annette

[Brit_Pair]

This is one of those questions that can divide nations and take up all the debating time in a session of Parliament (or Congress). So in the interest of making this reply to your dilemma a brief one, I’d suggest that you have to honestly answer three questions:

(1) Can you bear the thought of not having him to yourself, 24/7?

(2) Could you live with yourself for being a part of the break up of this man’s existing relationship, even if it brings you condemnation and vilification from others?

(3) Are you prepared to risk losing him entirely in order to learn the true nature of his feelings for you?

If you answered “No”, “Yes”, “Yes”, then you should tell him exactly how you feel about him, ask him what he truly feels for you, and then together set about figuring out what happens next. If one of your answers deviates from the ones I’ve outlined above, then you need to consider how best to withdraw from this relationship in the manner which causes the least hurt and damage to yourself, and this couple.

For what it’s worth, you have my best wishes.

[EternallySingle]

I've been there twice. Once with a bisexual female-female couple and once with a married couple. It wasn't easy to deal with the situation with the f-f couple because in the back of my mind I kept thinking "but I'm a man and she's a woman. She'll be happier with me and I'll still let them get together when they want." The thing is, the other woman was thinking the same thing. The two of us (the other woman and I) got together, got drunk, wrestled, cried, talked, drank coffee, then agreed not let her come between our friendship, since we knew each other first. They still invite me to visit them in Portland. I'm going this spring.

With the m-f couple it was even simpler. I sensed an attraction beyond sexual from the woman (and for her as well) during the three netmeeting conversations we had and when I met the two of them at the coffee shop, I knew I couldn't get together with them because I was too infatuated with the wife. It didn't matter to me that they were also polyamourist and were considering making me part of their family. I didn't feel right about coming between them because I kept thinking "What if it were my wife?"

You have to do the same thing here. If this couple, married or not, are happy together, don't have any problems that might make you think they are breaking up, and are committed to making their relationship work, you are a guest in their bed and nothing else. You always have to ask yourself "what if it were me" before you do anything that may cause someone harm or hurt feelings. Your happiness does come first, but not at the expense of knowingly causing someone else pain. In the long run, if you got together with this man, either he would become suspicious of you if/when you started swinging together or he would eventually drift back to his girlfriend if things started getting a little difficult.

[Alura]

Wow, Sadie! Playing separately is problematic, isn't it?

There's no doubt you have broken the rules of swinging, but that can't be changed. The question is: "Where do you go from here?"

If you don't know for sure how he feels about you, I question that your communication is developed well enough to make a success of a marriage, legal or not, with him, even if he is willing to leave the other lady. If he did, would you trust him enough to not leave you for yet another?

Is his current relationship a happy one? If so, you're fighting a losing battle. If not, perhaps you can continue the friendship and take a "wait and see" attitude. Time alone could solve the problem one way or another. Both alternatives don't sound attractive to me.

Could you accept a polyamory situation? If so, you need to let both of them know how you feel. If not, well, we're back to fighting a losing battle.

I don't envy your situation but I do wish all three of you the best. Please keep us informed and feel free to come back and ask more questions.

Welcome to the board!

Mr. Alura

[NightGoddess]

Originally posted by sexypairca
Yours is a difficult situation but I'm confident in the fact that you should stop swinging with him/them, now and for good. These feelings would be difficult to keep on the back burner and sharing them with this couple would likely end the friendship.

Obviously the boundaries have been broken, and feelings beyond friendship can be a potential concequence when dealing with human beings. The boundaries may not have been cut and dry, but I'm sure that playing for keeps wasn't part of their game plan.

I don't doubt the seriousness of your dilemma but I would not advise you asking if his feeling are mutual. After 4 years together, I would consider him to be a married man, not up for grabs. Wanting something that you cannot have is not wrong but pursuing it in this case would be. The red flags should have been up with the exchange of I love you, I doubt that his significant other would be impressed.

Does his partner know about the continuous contact between the two of you, email/phone etc? I am curious to know if this is the first time that you have been involved with a couple that will play solo with a single, just wondering how opportunity contributed to the senerio.

Good luck

Annette

I agree with this reply 100%--- and with Eternally Single [kudos to you for being mature enough to do the right thing when you had similar situations]
Swinging is about sex, not emotionally invading another's relationship. Sorry, but as I see it here, you broke the rules and are guilty of poaching. When you first recognized your feelings, you should have backed out of the situation. Get out now before someone gets hurt. You were invited to share in a swinging situation, not an means to seek emotional fulfillment.

[froggyjenn80]

Wow this is a hard thing to deal with. I went through the same thing, but I was the other woman. Except my husband and I were married. It was our first play partners. They got into swinging and then started having problems.

Well we had a couple same room sex and soft sex experiences with them, until one night my husband had intercourse with her, which I loved. I never had intercourse with him, we never clicked. But after my husband and her intercourse (where both her husband and I were present for) She told my husband she was in love with him and wanted to leave her husband and wanted him to leave me.

Well we had a party at their house in which some things happened and she did leave her husband. She came running to mine. At this time I still did not know her feelings for him. After A LOT of drama between everybody involved, the truth came out.

Her and her husband are now back together and are playing with others, my husband and I are still together and strong. But knowing that another fell in love with my husband, it killed me.

Be honest about your feelings, and yes ask him about his. If they have 4 years together and are having problems, is it because of you? Is she suspecting something?

My opinion is to be upfront and honest...everybody needs to. This is a very very delecate situation...and needs lots of talking and understanding of each others feelings.

Well there is my opinion, stepping off the

soapbox now

Jenn

[NorCal Nites]

WOW. Tricky situation.

Larren and I sat back this evening for a few and thought long and hard about this one.

In regards to the "swinging" or whatever sexual aspect of it that is going on... the sex first should stop. As should the kissing and hugging... at least until they either get back on track with their relationship (as SHE is the one that he is with, obviously)... or until something else becomes of your relationship.

One way or another, we both agree that despite HIS knowledge of your love, SHE should be told as well.

At first glance, you'd think "catfight", but in reality, I'm sure it would be more of a conversation than anything else. Also, maybe it's a positive thing in their lives... maybe SHE wants more time with you or another partner... that could be causing some grief in the relationship... maybe it's a money or a childbearing difficulty that you just don't know about that is causing them to drift apart. Maybe they're open to a 3rd... Living together with the Man in the Middle may be a fun game if kids aren't in the picture?

Maybe the female on the other side of the story is wanting to be with another man or woman herself and THAT's what's causing the problem and she just doesn't want to deal with it because they're "swingers" and that's a proverbial "no-no"???

Whatever the situation may be, you need to all three sit down... CALMLY - QUIETLY... NO YELLING!!! (oops... *whispering* no yelling) and let her know what's going on. Ask him IN HER PRESENCE, how he feels about the situation that's occurred and let her know what's going on in your mind... how she's never really been involved, yet she allows him to do this with another partner, to visit, to care, to message, to call, etc. Maybe it's not hte first time this has happened?

Either way, you need to find out where SHE stands and WHY.

In the end, it's all for the best for it all to come out in the open, regardless of what the consequence or reward may be.

Upon my questioning if it ever happened again (as it had happened once upon a time)... his reply would be the same as it had been before... He's with me, he's married to (at the time it was "marrying") me, and we have the history together... when she came into the picture, it was purely sexual and she knew it, yet she refused to let it go. (we won't go on from there, as it was NOT pretty and a restraining order was issued against her later)

The moral? of my own story to you... no matter WHAT the decision or outcome of the situation... of who loves who and who wants to be with who... somewhere you've turned yourself into the additional party in their relationship. Don't push if he is not "in love" with you the way you are with him... it will only get you further away. Be happy that whomever he picks is the one he truly loves, and be glad that he will be happy in whatever he's doing.

Man, I hope that all made sense. And I hope you figure out exactly what's right for YOUR situation.

[StacyCat]

I feel for ya.

Ive often had problems, both in swinging and "poly" relationships where the feelings between me and one of the other parties caused a breakup.

First, if they are having problems in the relationship, back off. Dont call, dont write, dont see them until they work it out on their own. Having you there will not be a good thing.

There are some sexual relationships that develop into something more. There are other kinds of emotional realtionships that develop just into sexual friends. But, when it involves someone else (as this situation) then you need to remove yourself, both to make things less stressful for them, as well as yourself.

I have a lot of guilt over a breakup that I was the catalyst for, though I remained friends with the female, it was the male that I had the feelings for. I really wished I had stayed out of that while they were working things out.

[Sadie]

Thank you to those who responded to my post. I talked with him Saturday night and he said we would sit down and discuss this further. He does have problems with his current partner that have been going on long before I entered the picture. She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging. He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me. Reasons being it is his decision on which one of us he wants and I would not ask him to leave because if it didn't work out with us I would not want him to blame me for the breakup of their relationship. He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in. He is aware of this because both him and I are very open about our feelings towards each other. When I told him that I would stay away he said that was not what he wanted.

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

[Elusive BiFem]

Sadie, first...let me ask you this...why, if you were looking for swing partners, did you even think about playing with this man alone - without his SO? That isn't swinging. That is dating.

She doesn't like swinging, but doesn't stop him? Is that his story, or have you heard those words come directly out of her mouth into your ears? While I realize some couples play alone, I don't believe it is the most common situation and especially for couples that were having problems "long before" you came into the picture. And then you go on to say that you don't mind if he plays with others, but you get jealous if he plays with his live in, and you tell him so, yet you won't ask him to change his living arrangements. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
Seems you are saying one thing, but doing something entirely different. And looking for some sort of justification for it.

Right, OK...emotions can come out of nowhere and bite all of us on the butt when we least expect it. However, the best thing you could possibly do for yourself and this man and the live-in is to back out of the situation altogether. As in adios! In the first place, if all of this is on the up-and-up, you are being totally unfair with him with your mixed messages (not jealous, but jealous). Leave him alone - completely - to work out his problems with his SO. He needs to decide to stay or go without involvement from you. And really...since he isnt bound to her by marriage and kids and properties, if he really wanted to leave her, he probably would have already done so. And of course he told you he didn't want you to stay away. Why should he? He has her at home and you on the side.

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

As far as that goes...leave the "swinging" part out. Not many married, or significantly involved men, leave one partner for another and have things work out well. Not to even mention the fact that he is doing something for himself with no apparent regard for her feelings. Do you really want to be in that position 4-5 years down the road? If he does it to her, he will likely do the same to you.

I don't know...to me, this doesn't sound like swinging...sounds more along the lines of a man having an affair or something. Sorry...just my opinions....EBF

[yawanna]

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

While it wasn't my situation personally, sadly I know a number of people who left their SO for a play partner.

So far...none have been successful relationships.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
...I don't know...to me, this doesn't sound like swinging...sounds more along the lines of a man having an affair or something. Sorry...just my opinions....EBF

Yeah, I have to agree, this doesn't really sound much like swinging to me, at least the way I define it.

-B

[NorCal Nites]

Originally posted by Sadie
***She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging.

***He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me.

***He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

***I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in.

***Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

OK, in regards to these clips from your last post I have the following opinions. Now, keep in mind, this is just my (I should say our... as my hubby and I have spoken about this once again) opinion, but I have a STRONG feeling that I'm going to have some agreement here.

She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging.
Ummm... HELLO. Have you heard yourself? That's NOT swinging... it's only swinging if it's OK with both partners! What makes you think that if he winds up with you, he won't CHEAT on you, as well? He wants his proverbial cake, and wants to eat it, horde it, and keep it from others, too... ALSO not swinging.

He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me.
His DICK is talking for him... If you had a brick for every woman he's said that crap to, I'd bet that you could build a very strong house! What makes you think he'd actually leave, despite the problems, anyway!?

He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.
Then let him be... I wouldn't speak, write, call, bump uglies, etc... with him. Leave him alone. Lock yourself in your house for a few days and just don't even speak to him. If you want him to be happy, stop confusing him with what his pee-pee is telling him to do... let his MIND clear up and do some thinking for him. Obviously, he's not a "swinger", he's a "CHEATER" since his wife doesn't approve.
If he's such a great person, he needs to let his partner know what's up and you BOTH need to talk with her about it.

I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in.
Obviously, you're fooling yourself here. He was in a relationship, yet you pushed your way into the "circle" there... Let him have some freedom here... he needs to clear his mind here, and in doing that, he needs some time apart from you whether he likes it or not.

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???
Do you really think anyone's going to answer anything positive here? It's CHEATING to be with someone like that... you don't just get out of a relationship to be with someone else like that... you only get out if you've been fooling around with them behind the other partner's back in order to have a strong relationship there... And if the person is pulling this crap with them, once again, what on Earth makes you think they're NOT going to pull it with you? Remember, they supposedly "LOVED" the other partner once... huh?

[MattMann]

If these things are handled without lying or sneaking around, they need not be devastating. We all know sex is just sex and the hurt caused by cheating is caused by the feelings of betrayal and mistrust the cheated on partner feels. If you meet a great person who has similar interests, personality or whatever combination of similarities or opposite qualities that makes for a rewarding relationship and deep friendship, should you put that person out of your life just because you already have a spouse who you also have a great relationship with? Do you limit yourself to only one friend and end any potential future friendships because you already HAVE a friend? Do you only love one person in your family? Can love only be allotted to one person at a time in you life? The addition of a sexual attraction to this emotional attraction to a person of the opposite sex can be a scary proposition and jealousy and hurt will happen but infatuation also wears off and that person you couldn't stop thinking about or writing to could fade to boredom or grow into a lifelong friend who will always be there for you when you need them (just like marriage goes from the early bliss to a more steady contentment-or boredom depending on your situation). Just keep it all in the open, your feelings, your meetings and don't hide it or sneak around, that is where the hurt, anger, suspicion and resentment come from (as long as the spouse knows your love for them is foremost and not displaced or given over to someone else, just shared). That's just what I think today, of course. I could just be a pontificating jackass who doesn't know beans about anything so don't take my word for it.