Have you Ever Developed an Emotional Attachment to someone?

[Amy and Mike]

Hi everyone. This is our first post here (actually mine, im the male half). We've been talking about including others in our sex life for about a year now, though we havent acted on it. The idea is very exciting, but we both have a few concerns (actually, a lot).

so I'll start off by asking this: I know that swinging is all about separating sex from love, and it might seem easy to do. But you arent always in control of those feelings and Im sure even long-term swingers must have gotten infatuated with or had a crush on someone you've played with. How does this affect your marriage? I have no problem sharing my wife with another man sexually, but i'd hate for her to develop an emotional attachment to a man she had sex with. I think it could be really damaging to a relationship.

[BiloxiCouple]

The way we started was to take small steps. Discuss it. Research it.

That's what worked for us. We took about 6 months to a year (maybe?) Started with flirting. Then worked up to a heavier petting, kissing and so forth. Each time we would discuss afterwards how we felt and how to make the rules for ourselves as we went along.

Since then we only have a few basic rules left:

Have fun.
We don't play with anyone we work with.
We don't play with anyone who has a troubled relationship. Either one of us has the absolute right to say NO at anytime for any reason.


That is about where we are at now. Subject to change anytime we think it is necessary for us.

Separating the emotions from sex and love can be difficult. That is where the communicating and honesty will come into play. Also depends on where your relationship is at and the maturity level of everyone involved. If you are concerned or jealousy is an issue now, discuss it now before it becomes a problem and keep discussing it.

I've dealt with the infatuation part of it before and realized it for what it is. It was an interesting emotion that I thought I was over. But the more things change the more they stay the same.

[biblonde]

Your right in that you do get some feelings for the ones you Play with sometimes. We both personally dont have a problem with a little lusting from either of us as long as it is within boundries. My hubby has been ga ga over another lady before but always lets me know that is all it is! Personally i find it cute to see someone else bring a smile to his face and to flirt with him. It actually turns me on as long as that person is in the lifestyle. Outside the lifestyle i dont like someone coming onto him because it is for different reasons. You have to trust the ones your with that they are totally in love with each other and not out to find a replacement or to fix their problems. We both know that we arent ever gonna leave the other for a playmate and we have to trust the same holds true to the ones your with! We have become friends with some of our playmates and there is alot of flirting and teasing going on but we all know it is all in fun...and we all know how far we can push it. I love watching her flirt with him and tease him and watching him eat up the attention and i am sure he feels the same way about the guy doing the same with me. And we always talk about it afterwards......making sure there was nothing that was uncomfy for either and if there was it never happens again.
We also have rules to go by, the biggest rule is either of us has the right to say NO any time no questions asked and no hard feelings. This is all about adding fun to your life not hurting anyone!

I suggest you sit down and figure out some rules you are comfy with...knowing that as you move forward these rules can change in the future or not. Only do what you both feel comfy with... I think the flirting and stuff should come first...then maybe same room sex then move from there when you BOTH feel you are ready. This isnt a lifestyle to just jump into and never forget....TALK TALK TALK!!!! and always be honest about your feelings and thoughts and what you want out of this.
that is my 2 cents for the day....

[thump29]

Hi I have to agree with biblonde. I dont mind if another woman that is a playmate of ours flirts with hubby. We have one couple in particular that we are really close friends with and there is always alot of flirting going on between all four of us. We also have set rules that we stick to and like biblonde we always talk about things that go on and we always have the right to say no anytime if we want without any questions being asked.

[MCityCpl]

The most important rule is that you and your wife communicate with each other and set up boundaries (sp) that both of you are going to stick with. For example, we are only soft (until we meet the right couple) and we don't kiss mouth to mouth (girl/girl is always okay tho). Somethig I might suggest is go to a local club just to get a feel for how things are. Maybee you meet someone, maybee you don't. Maybee you decide to try the voyeur, exhibitionist route, maybee you don't. Take your time and don't force yourself or each other into anything. Afterwards, talk about your likes and dislikes and wether you'd want to do it again, and what, if anything you'd do differenetly.

[Amy and Mike]

Thanks very much, you guys, for the feedback!

We both understand about taking it slow, and also about doing lots of talking beforehand (we've done quite a bit of that already). Flirting and lusting are something neither none of us would have any problem with at all. Both of us, in fact, get really aroused by the idea of the other one flirting and getting excited by other people. My wife loves to fantasize about me flirting and having sex with another woman, and I love to imagine her flirting and having sex with another man. We share those fantasys often, in fact thats how we started talking about the idea of bringing others into our sex life.

The thing I was really asking about, however, was what if someone develops feelings BEYOND that for someone they're playing with. What if someone developing an infatuation, or even starts thinking that they're in love with someone they're playing with. I just think that no matter how much people think they're in control of those feelings, sometimes they're really not. Does that make sense?

Has that ever happened with any of you, or with your partner? If so, did it cause any problems in your marriage...and how did you deal with it? I hope this doesnt sound like Im being nosey... it's really a concern of mine.

[thump29]

That actually happened to us one time. We had known the couple for quite a long time before we started swinging with them so we thought we knew each other well and that everything was understood that it was not love it was sex. The male half actually did devolop feelings for me and after about 6 months of swinging with them he left his wife and got a divorce. When I confronted him he told me he loved me and he wanted me to leave my husband for him. Well it is a sticky situation and I felt really bad but I let him know that there was no chance I would leave my husband that it was sex only. Well still to this day he will not talk to me very much all he will say is if you decide to leave hubby you know where I am. I hate it that he got hurt in this and his wife got hurt she understood that it was sex only and didnt understand why her husband didnt get it. As far as it effecting my marriage it didnt effect it. We talked about the situation and we dealt with it together.We love one another and not anybody else. Neither me or my husband have ever fallen for a swinging partner, yes we devolop close friendships but nothing more.

[Amy and Mike]

It looks like no one here has had this happen to either you or your partner. Ok, then...i have another question: Do you think that this is a legitimate concern? It would seem to me that lots of couples contemplating swinging might wonder about this. Does it mean that if we may not be good candidates for swinging? Once again, we're very trusting of each other...not jealous at all. I think we're both thinking of swinging as something for us to enjoy together. So...what do you all think?

By the way, Amy has been on reading this and says thank you for the replies too.

[SexhoundDog]

I'd say you have the correct attitude - It's something for you to enjoy TOGETHER. If you've got any doubts about the jealousy thing, proceed slowly, maybe doing a softswing and stopping after oral sex the first time. Assess how you both feel with one another and take it from there.

There is always the possibility that either of you could fall for another in a swinging environment. Of course, the same thing could happen in the workplace, church, a grocery store, the list is endless.

The main thing is to talk before and after. And, if a guy has some great trick that really gets your wife going, learn the technique. The same of course goes for your wife. But if you two really have it together, then you already know there is a lot more to your relationship than just the good sex I assume you already have, right? And that's the stuff that will keep you together.

[youngswingers]

Hey Guys,

We run into this issue since we run into a lot of new swingers and couples who haven't been together for that long. Ultimately it boils down to confidence in your relationship and trust. Does it make you less of a "candidate" for swinging- no. It only means that you need to make sure that you build your confidence by dabbling before you jump in with 2 feet. Swinging doesn't have to put you in a situation where you develop strong relationships with other couples. (In fact, that is kinda an advanced swinging skill in our book.) Trying going to off-premises clubs first. Go there knowing that despite all the flirting and foreplay that goes on there you are ultimately going home with your partner. When you are comfortable, go to an after-party with a couple you like. As you go through this you will realize that you and your S.O. are not at risk of falling in love with anybody else. More likely than not you'll find that your relationship is so strong that you are no longer threatened by any perceived competitition.

[Fire_and_Air]

Welcome to the board! I think you can safely avoid messy emotional attachments if you and your partner are in a strong, healthy relationship, and especially if you only choose to get involved with other partners who are also in equally strong relationships.

Don't swing with people who are fighting. We unfortunately had a situation like this for our very first swing experience. The other couple was having problems, even though we didn't realize it early on. Warning bells came up when the female half began calling my fiance on his cell phone regularly, and when the male half began emailing me a lot and acting more romantically toward me than toward his own girlfriend. We had to put a close to that as both of them were beginning to make us uncomfortable.

If at any time in your swinging adventures you find that one or the other is getting too close to a playmate, you would need to take a step back and discuss whether it is worth continuing with that couple or single.

[BiloxiCouple]

Amy & Mike

Do you think that this is a legitimate concern?

More important than a question for us. Is it a legitimate concern for you and yours? If you have to ask the question it already a concern?

Remember we are people too. We can get emotionally involved. You have to get emotional to a point. How far do you want to take it? When do you stop?

[cmwgimmekiss]

I think as long as you both are sure of yourselves and your relationship you should be fine. Communication is the key though. Make sure anytime ANYTHING comes up that makes either of you uncomfortable you discuss it! Hope you have fun!