Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 16 to 30 of 42
The Swingers Board - The Swingers Board - The Original Swingers Lifestyle Community, forums,
  1. #16
    Swingers Board Addict twistedpretzels's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    in each other's hearts
    Posts
    397
    Status
    Cpl. She posts. He's busy :)
    SLS Handle
    beansalamode

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so
    'i DON'T THINK we have actually lied'.... that's like being a little pregnant...

    this whole thing makes me very uncomfortable....
    loves2lovepr
    we've only just begun

  2. #17
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    New York City Area
    Posts
    1,741
    Status
    He writes, she corrects spelling.
    SLS Handle
    DigginIt

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    I'm sure the feedback you have been getting is probably not what you wanted to hear but I think it's definitely what you need to hear. I think most everyone here cares and I think the criticism is based out of concern for the two of you and your spouses.

    My prediction based on what you have said is that it will send the other couple possibly into a death spiral (definitely sever your ties) and you and your wife will reconcile most likely but your swinging will probably end or stop for awhile. After that, uncertain.

  3. #18
    Registered
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    6
    Status
    couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Some of you make very valid points.

    I guess I kind of expected this kind of response. Some of you will read into that, that I already know what I should do. We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman. The love I feel for this "other" woman does not cause me to love my wife any less. I don't compare the two of them ever. The point that was made it not about if I think it is a lie it whether she thinks it's lie. This is very true. I still don't think my wife would think I lied to her. She might not be happy with the fact that I kept it from her however. I can't answer for the other couple.

    Maybe I didn't explain how the other guy feel about us seeing others very well. He does not care if we see others he just doesn't want to hear about it. it not even as bad as that sounds.

    This is not an infatuation, Infatuations happen quickly when you first meet someone or at least that has been my experince. This is something that has grown over a 9 month period. Before you say thats not enough time I asked my wife to marry me after only 6 months. We have been together for almost 25 years.

    I brought up that the two women are so different to kind of explain why I feel that my love for them is so different and not in conflict. Neither I nor the other woman went looking for this. It just kind of developed and it got to the point where we could not ignore what we were feeling.

    After reading what every one wrote. I think what i'm getting is that falling in love with this woman is not what is wrong. It's the not telling our spouses is what everyone thinks we are doing wrong. My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.

    I want to thank everyone for their input. None of it has taken me by surprise and like I said before many of you make very valid points.

  4. #19
    Swingers Board Addict km34's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Oregon, USA
    Posts
    1,106
    Status
    Couple - she posts
    SLS Handle
    km34

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves.
    Because that is called cheating. That's the plain and simple. As soon as you lie or bend the truth to see this woman BEHIND YOUR WIFE'S BACK, it's cheating. In my relationship, not telling the truth about feelings is cheating, so you'd already be there if I were you wife.

    People have been very supportive of your position, so if your wife is anything like these amazing people, your relationship will be fine. Don't cross the line to cheating. Please. Nobody wants to see (or hear about you) ruin your 25 year marriage just because you're afraid of the reaction you're going to get.

  5. #20
    Swingers Board Addict
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Muncie, IN
    Posts
    402
    Status
    Couple

    Thumbs down Re: Fell in Love

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman.
    Since several people, myself include, have made reference to polyamory and denied this very statement, I can only assume that you have not actually paid attention to all the responses.

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves.
    Because they will find out... and when they find out, if you have not told them, then that will absolutely, and without any doubt or question, cause hurt and problems.

    Telling them might cause a bunch of hurt and problems.

    Not telling them absolutely will.

    When this happens, don't come back and expect sympathy from me.

  6. #21
    ~This space for rent~ LFM2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    South of the moon
    Posts
    5,873
    Status
    Couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so
    It's not really whether you think lying by omission is wrong, but the what your wife would think. I happen to think that lying by omission is a lie. If I was in this situation, with Dave being deeply in love with someone else, you bet your bottom I'd think it was lying if he didn't say anything. You are trying to justify this situation to make your outcome easier, but friend, you're digging yourself into a deep, dark hole. It's not only the dishonesty, but being disrespectful and dishonorable to your wife is just as bad, doncha think?

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post

    I guess I kind of expected this kind of response. Some of you will read into that, that I already know what I should do. We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman. The love I feel for this "other" woman does not cause me to love my wife any less. I don't compare the two of them ever. The point that was made it not about if I think it is a lie it whether she thinks it's lie. This is very true. I still don't think my wife would think I lied to her. She might not be happy with the fact that I kept it from her however. I can't answer for the other couple.

    Maybe I didn't explain how the other guy feel about us seeing others very well. He does not care if we see others he just doesn't want to hear about it. it not even as bad as that sounds.

    This is not an infatuation, Infatuations happen quickly when you first meet someone or at least that has been my experince. This is something that has grown over a 9 month period. Before you say thats not enough time I asked my wife to marry me after only 6 months. We have been together for almost 25 years.

    I brought up that the two women are so different to kind of explain why I feel that my love for them is so different and not in conflict. Neither I nor the other woman went looking for this. It just kind of developed and it got to the point where we could not ignore what we were feeling.

    After reading what every one wrote. I think what i'm getting is that falling in love with this woman is not what is wrong. It's the not telling our spouses is what everyone thinks we are doing wrong. My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.
    I'm going to address this by the points I've bolded:
    First bold: If you don't think your wife would find this a lie, put her shoes on your feet and see if you think she wasn't lying if she was in love with another man and you had no idea. Let's say you found out from a friend. If you say you would be fine with it, I don't think that would be the 100% truth. If you say you'd be totally comfortable with it, can you say that now since you've got "another significant other". You'd feel that you're "even steven", like when you were little kids. It would make you feel better wouldn't it? Almost a relief?

    In reality, you know you wouldn't like it. I know I wouldn't and even though I can't paint the board with that broad brush, I'm sure a lot of the folks here would agree with me.

    Second bold: You're still trying to justify why it's OK if you two still see each other and not change anything.

    Also, I admit that I agree with you that we don't choose whom we fall in love with. It happens. Dave and I only knew each other for about 3 weeks before we married. We're nearing our 28th anniversary. In another thought, though, maybe it's because we swing for different reasons than you. I can't even imagine falling in love with anyone else. I can't imagine having romantic feelings for anyone else. I bet you're thinking you didn't think you could either... but one thing is different about us... it would have scared me enough to stop swinging with that person.

    Third bold: You should be talking to your respective spouses about this because it's the right thing to do. This is where selfless has flown the coop and your selfishness has surfaced. If you don't think you're lying to your wife, and you don't think she will think it is either, then you should have no problem telling her about this. Or better yet, bring her here and let her see the post. You've already admitted that you're here under another name.

    What do you see happening from all this? Do you see all four of you living happily ever after? Do you see nothing good happening if you're honest with your wife and let her know what's happening? Do you think of divorce in your future if it all comes out? I'm still not sure what exactly you're wanting to hear (or read) here.

    I know you're wanting to justify what you're both feeling and what you're both doing. I think it's time you manned up and owned this situation you're in. Take accountability for the situation you've gotten yourself in. If you're wanting to save this marriage of 25 years, stop seeing your playmate and let her get her marriage back on track, too. If you're both not willing to do that, then you're gonna have to accept what comes.
    Dave & Holly

  7. #22
    Fun and Pleasure
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    SouthWest
    Posts
    1,130
    Status
    Couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.
    Was your wife your best friend? The person you told everything to?

    You have lost that cuz of this, haven't you? So even if your wife has not noticed, it HAS already affected your home life and your relationship.

    If you think this will die out soon, maybe I wouldn't tell yet....someday you will have to, if you want to be close to your wife again but if this new love 'dies out', it might be easier. If you two DO sneak behind your spouses backs to meet and cheat...it's gonna mess up your love of each other too, don't you think?

    My question is: why does it have to cause hurt and problems? You both love your spouses. You love each other. Love is pretty awesome. The four of you have to work out some kinda acceptance and figure the details is all. Poly people do it all the time.

    Normal people mange it in ways we seldom look at.

    You love others too...just not with sex involved. It doesn't take away from the love you have for a spouse to love your brother, sister, mother, father, son or daughter, best friend or even your dog....why would loving this woman have to be any different?
    Evel Knievel died of natural causes.

  8. #23
    Swingers Board Addict
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Toronto
    Posts
    1,683
    Status
    Couple
    SLS Handle
    sk_forfun

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    I think the question comes down to what is important to you:

    1. What is best for you
    2. What is best for your marriage
    3. What is best for your relationship with the other woman


    For me, if this was to happen I would bring it up with my wife immediately. Yes it might cause some issues, but I want to get those issues out in the open right away. It will be tough and it might mean we break it off with the other couple. That might suck, but my marriage is more important to me than anything. Maybe my wife would be open to me pursuing a relationship with the other woman. If she wasn't, then I'd need to find some way to put it behind me.

    Keeping it from your wife and the other womans husband is doing what is best for you. Not for your marriage.

  9. #24
    Registered
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    6
    Status
    couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    I want to thank everyone for there input. You all make very valid points. Although some of you seem angry with me. Falling in love with this other woman was not a planned thing nor did we go looking for it. It just kind of developled the same way any of us fall in love with anyone.

    It's only been a few weeks since we both realized how we feel about each other so we are still trying to figure it all out. Of course you are all correct that we should come clean. However we both have the fear, more on her end than mine, that we will lose each other.

    Lion you make a very good point when you say, "telling them MIGHT cause a bunch of hurt" Not telling them, WILL.

    We have a difficult decision to make. We don't get an opportunity to talk face to face very often. I think something this important should be done face to face. Most of our comunication is done through emails and texting. We are going away with them for a long weekend next weekend and I will talk to her then.

    Again thanks for all of your time and advise

  10. #25
    Swingers Board Addict rainbowskye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    ATL, GA
    Posts
    305
    Status
    Single ~ Female

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    I know of a person, my ex, who had primary contact with another woman via text and email. Very little face to face personal time....

    It was a disaster.

    Anyone can be anything they want behind text and email. Continual face to face on a regular basis it a whole different ballgame.

    This is a risk that if I loved my spouse of 25 years I would not take.

    I dont see anyone angry with you, they are just pointing out the obvious. Sometimes we ask for advice and want to hear it a certain way when in reality what we hear is what we NEED to hear.

    I am not discounting your feelings. You may be in love with the person you know via the swinging, texting and emailing.... but that lady may not be who you really think she is.

    I've seen this SO MUCH when relationships begin via the internet. This is really no different as you have had little one on one time with her.

    Once you do go behind your spouses backs...it is cheating and your wife and her husband very well may be less forgiving.
    You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

  11. #26
    Swingers Board Addict
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    austin
    Posts
    497
    Status
    couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    another big thought to keep in mind.. You say you are only communicating by text and email... some day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY those missive will probably come to light... and when they do, it'll show you've been carrying on this affair much longer than your SO might have thought.. That's when the fight begins......

  12. #27
    Here to Stay Valha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    41
    Status
    Couple
    SLS Handle
    MNT_Couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbear View Post
    We have a difficult decision to make. We don't get an opportunity to talk face to face very often. I think something this important should be done face to face. Most of our comunication is done through emails and texting. We are going away with them for a long weekend next weekend and I will talk to her then.
    Why are you missing the all-important point here?? The other gal isn't the one you need to talk to about this, it's your wife!! BEFORE you meet up with them again. I'm sorry but in my eyes you've already crossed the line- not because you fell in love as you say, but because you aren't giving your wife the respect she deserves by honestly communicating with her! I'm ABSOLUTELY ASSURED you would want her to tell you about it if it was the other way around. Now the question is what kind of man do you want to be? You know damn well you are at that fork in the road....
    On a journey through life with a best friend...

  13. #28
    Swingers Board Addict rainbowskye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    ATL, GA
    Posts
    305
    Status
    Single ~ Female

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    After reading this a second time....it sounds like he doesn't care about his wife as much as he claims.

    Not willing to stop this with the other woman.

    Not willing to tell his wife.

    To me...she will find out and she will be devastated. He seems not to care about that. He cares more about how the other husband will react.

    Cheaters never win.
    You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

  14. #29
    Swingers Board Addict
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    cleveland area
    Posts
    1,054
    Status
    married to lovinhim

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Why bother with this guy anymore? His mind is made up.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  15. #30
    Swingers Board Addict
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    minnesota
    Posts
    776
    Status
    couple

    Default Re: Fell in Love

    Id have far less trouble with this scenario if you were both being open and honest with your spouses about it.

    Without that, I don't like it.

    The thing is, many of us have seen this scenario before. And many of us have seen it end badly. It doesn't always end badly, but it's nearly always a lot more involved than either of you are willing to admit or see.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3 LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Similar Threads

  1. She fell for him. Now What?
    By lizandtom in forum The Risks of Swinging
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 10-10-2008, 09:27 PM
  2. Fell in love with a swinger but I'm not comfortable with swinging
    By midnite_madness in forum One Partner Not Interested/ The Other Is
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 05-05-2006, 12:56 PM
  3. Fell in Love with a Swinging Partner
    By Sadie in forum Separating Sex & Love
    Replies: 65
    Last Post: 04-05-2004, 08:27 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •