We had a MFM but now wife getting too attached to the male

[smpdjd]

hey all.. so we had this delicious 3 some with a guy.. the first time we'd ever done anything remotley like it..it was a joint decision and we both really liked it.. but my wife and the guy got pretty intense and now she can't stop thinking about him.. so much so that she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings.. we have kids, been happily married for a long time, truly have a great sex life.. but now she wants to sleep with him one on one and i am very confused about this.. so is she..part of me wants to let her have this experience but I'm afraid she'll want more and it'll turn into an affair and then we have a giant mess on out hands with the kids and all and the other part of me is hurt and jealous and i feel the neanderathal inside me lurking.. it's not as if the guy was a great lover either, far from it.. wouldn't go down on her,it's just that she's been a loyal faithful wonderful wife but now she's let the genie out of the bottle.. not sure what the hell i'm supposed to do.. thoughts?

[twobears]

well, first of all, you must let her express her feeling,she is excited I think with the new attention. I hope you had some guidelines set down,what was uncomfortable to her and you before hand. You just do not meet the other guy in a 3som seperate from your hubby,did you talk about what you would do if different situations come up?? YOU must tell her you are not comfortable with what her has done. I hope the two of you can work this out so you both will be stronger and closer as true lovers. I hope she realize that this is just for fun,not to be confused with "feeling" of anything but yes, it felt good and that is all. It is very hard for a women to seperate love from just good sex,if she feels confused then you must help her to realize that this new exciting feelings,is just part of the "fun of swinging" does not mean she has given him anything but SEX,not loving feelings,some swingers reframe from using the word love. Your age and the years married and background of your wife and you will all play a part in how we should give you advice. We still are learning as we go in this lifestyle ourselves and I hope you and your wife can talk this out and both be comfortable,this advice board is a good start. Good luck and bring her to the computer with you and read and talk together.

[flkeyscouple]

You need to tell her your thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with her meeting him without you, she needs to know you are uncomfortable. Your relationship should always come first and she should abandon the idea once she knows your feelings.

Just remember (and remind her) that everything should move at the pace of the slowest member!

Personally, I won't do any meeting without my hubby... but I know that many others do. I'm sure you'll hear from others, but whatever happens, you both need to be comfortable!!

Good luck.

Mrs. FLKeys

[oncewere]

She's found a new toy, a totally new kind of experience. She wants more but, as twobears said it is hard to separate sex from more serious feelings. You need to talk a lot about this and bringing her to this site could help give her some perspective. After a few more times with different people she may learn that it is the novelty, not the guy. She may need to talk to another woman about this so you could touch base with a couple to talk about swinging and maybe expand her experience base so she isn't hung up on just this one guy.

[sexychoclit]

Be honest and upfront with her about how you feel. If you only want them to be together with you around then make that a condition. Telling her to stop seeing him all together could cause you more problems in the long run as she may decide to have an affair that leaves you completely in the dark. Hopefully your wife will do the right thing. Good luck.

[des1re06]

now she wants to sleep with him one on one

This part of your post worries me most.

Swinging with a single male (to us) is simply sex. No emotions other than physical attraction get involved. There should be no interaction outside the bedroom with the 3 of you involved (in my opinion).

Yes, I may think of the other male after the sex is over as a nice memory (and the occasional bad one), but my hubby is always number 1.

I would, however, re-evaluate your boundaries and communicate your feelings before moving on. Fun, drama-free sex is what this is all about to us.

Mrs. D

[lovinher]

There may be those who don't like or agree with my take on this. But I'm not running for president so here goes. I think your marriage is or WAS not as strong as you believed. So far the advice given has been to talk to her. Let her know your feelings, blah blah blah. I'm sure you already have right? If not, what's wrong with you? IMO she is asking for permission to cheat on you and some would say she already has. Even if you agree or go along with it because she gave you an ultimatum in my book that is cheating. You two have more problems going on other than this incident that need to be addressed. I don't buy that the poor girl is confused. If this had been a woman posting, I don't think the responses would have been so forgiving. I am sorry to be so blunt and I feel bad for you. But if you both play with this guy again or let her play alone with him then you deserve anything that transpires. You need to put your foot down and fast. If you piss her off then so be it.

[VegasLee]

Your wife has found a new toy that is willing to pay attention to her. That is natural but if not controlled right by her it can destroy your relationship.

You two need to step back and ask yourself why you really want to be in this lifestyle. Many look at the relationships that the ones of us have in this Lifestyle and wish to have the same but the truth is MOST people do not have the type of relationship it takes to be in this Lifestyle.

This Lifestyle is not for everyone. It really is not for most. Consider what is more important to you. Getting some on the side or your family and then make the decision that works for you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by smpdjd

...my wife and the guy got pretty intense and now she can't stop thinking about him.. so much so that she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings.

smpdjd ~

I read your other thread that I presume is about your first (and only, thus far?) swing experience with this man. Correct me if I'm wrong.

When I read stories like yours the first thing I think about is how honest, mature, and communicative a couple is with each other because I think these factors are so crucial to what your outcome will be in this situation.

Since you have been married for 18 years you are probably in your early 40s. I'm presuming neither of you have had sex with other people since before you were married. Sex with someone new is fresh and very exciting. In many ways it's like dating again and with that comes the adrenaline rush that 'new sex' brings. This can be one of the great pleasures of swinging IF it is understood for what it is, not love, not substitution for one's spouse, but the flattery of attention from someone new. If your wife can see this new relationship for what it is, then you can work with this. If not, you will have a difficult if not impossible time swinging.

I am concerned about your statement "she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings." "Managed" sounds like she made a concerted effort to reach him that was beyond the ordinary. And then for him to stop by to see her at work? Why do this? This could jeopardize trust (which sounds like it may already be questioned) and prompt co-workers to wonder what this guy means to your wife. People can easily see when something is brewing that's horny and hot between a man and a woman. Did your wife tell you beforehand that she was going to call him? Did the man show up invited or univited at the workplace? Whether the answers are yes or no, I don't think it is a wise step to take with a swing partner until you have a long relationship established and trust developed, which you don't have at this point.

Your wife now wants to play with him alone and this would be the second time to play with him and I don't believe you've played with anyone else. Is this correct? It's way too early to be doing this with your relationship so new with this guy and you having no other swinging experience. I'd suggest taking things much slower. He wasn't even a good lover which leads me to believe it is the newness of all of this that excites your wife, not the man. And if he is such a poor performer, he may be hungering for a woman like your wife who is so eager to give him a second chance after a first poor performance. His interest in her may be to prove to himself that he can make a better showing the second time.

You've seen a great change in your wife since her first swing - and you had to coax her into swinging to begin with - so I wonder if she has even taken time to learn what swinging can involve on an emotional level. If she hasn't been reading this Board, have her get involved. She will then be with you in your exploration here and what she and you learn together can help you make better decisions.

Your feelings and concerns are justified. I sense you want her happiness, but that won't be possible if it is at the expense of your happiness. As a couple you must be a team and proceed together, communicating every concern and thought.

Explain to your wife what makes you uncomfortable about how she is handling herself with this man. Let her know you feel more discussion is needed before you proceed further swinging with him or anyone. And if that means YOU don't want to have a 3sum with this guy again, say so. You certainly aren't ready to see your wife play alone with him so tell her that. That is perfectly okay to do. If she made the same request of you if the situation were reversed - you had a 3sum with a single female and wanted to play alone - wouldn't you listen to your wife if she objected? I would hope so.

Please let us know how things develop.

LM

[Darkblue]

Tell her its a no no, if shes like this now you never know how it will end,she loves you and hes anew toy and she wants to play with him but if she not sure of her feelings, then going one on one will totaly do her head in! too much risk and hurt is lurking around the corner.
I cant get over the odea she called him and met him at work, thats a big red flag and time to put and end to it but be thoughtfull and tell her why and your concerns try to make her see sence without you actualy telling her to stop things,try to make her see that its stupid and for her to say stop..
Hope that makes sence

steve

[LFM2]

I have to agree with VegasLee on this one. Some people are not meant to swing and that's OK. My family means more to me than anything, including sex.

We've had conversations before with other couples about women, who really are the more emotional ones, who can't separate love and sex. Don't get me wrong -- Some women do fine with it, and some men have this same trouble, too. Sex does not equal love and there should be no emotions even remotely resembling love with a swing partner.

What I do have after sex with a swing partner is a powerful urge to be with my own spouse. He is the one I love and have feelings for. I always like the men I have sex with, they're funny, they're nice and they're a hell of a sex partner, but that is as far as the feelings go. It's just sex. Sex and making love with my spouse is still better than anything else I've experienced.

Again, in my opinion, if your marriage was as strong as you believe it is, she should have no urge to run and go play with this man one-on-one. She wants your blessings to cheat in my opinion, and that's not good.

[lovinher]

"she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today"

This explains my position. The big question is did you know about this beforehand? My guess is you didn't by the way you posed the statement.
Please keep us informed as to how this turns out. How you handle it and the outcome may help others in the same situation or prevent it all together. I would imagine this sort thing is a big worry for some newbies. It was for us at the very beginning but we have come to realize our marriage and love for each other is so strong that this almost seems impossible. We all know nothing is impossible but we have talked so much about the what ifs that I trust her completely and my instincts. If it were to happen then we didnt have the marriage we thought had. That my friend is where you are at now and the reason you posted. You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective and something else to think about instead of the poor girl is excited because it is new.

Likeminds has given the best advice so far and I hope you heed it.

[smpdjd]

wow!!this site is truly amazing.. so much sensitive thoughtful feedback.. thanks all so much.. a little more back ground on this.. it's important that i don't paint a picture of myself as some whiny little victim with the insatiable wife.. this is a two way street for sure..
we met a couple a few weeks prior to our 3 some..they came on really strong and although my wife wasn't attracted to him at all, his wife was super attracted to me! anyway... to cut a long story short.. they emailed us the next day and said that she would love to have a one on one with me..and even though i wasn't particularly attracted to her, she was smart and really nice and i was flattered. My wife and i discussed it and she sanctioned it.. truthfully though i wasn't that interested but because I'm a guy i went ahead anyway and made love to her using all my best chops partly because I could sense she really needed to do it- it was their first time- and they seemed to have it all sorted out in their heads..so i did it.
It wasn't memorable but non the less I had a one on one and I think that is partly why i want to allow my wife to have the same.. she doesn't hold it over my head or anything.. she's not that kind of woman and it certainly isn't about payback.. she's just , as somebody said, found a new toy and she is a very pasionate and sexy woman. the guy is gorgeous and fun and sweet, i like him and I can see why she likes him but he came looking for her not her for him.. and she felt like a teenager again.
all totally forgivable, I mean god knows i have had some crushes on other women over the years that i thought were real but then one day i woke up and realized they were fantasy and not even remotely reciprocated.. who hasn't right?
Still a part of me still wants her to have this experience so she'll see that what made that night so great was that i was there with her, sharing it, participating, loving her. She goes one on one with him and she'll see that he's like so many people.. afraid of intimacy, unable to sustain a full erection/arousal etc. someone else pointed out that he may want to try her a second time to see if he can get aroused because maybe he has issues.. i suspect that is close to the truth..I hate to be crude but my wife is the sexiset damn woman I've ever known and her pussy is tight and sweet but he couldn't cum for the longest time and it wasn't about stamina. he had one move and that was it. when he did cum he sounded so surprised and relieved i wondered to myself what was going on..
anyway the point is i would beat this guy around the head with a baseball bat if he hurt my wife. She is highly desirable but very vulnerable. 19 years with one guy is a long time.. i fully get why she might want to do this.. but we are sitting here together reading other posts and she is corecting my spelling so we have no secrets.. and best of all she does feel a little more grounded after reading your comments so thank you so much ... it really helps.. I think we'll stick with couples from here on out if we ever do it again..

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I am concerned about your statement "she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings." "Managed" sounds like she made a concerted effort to reach him that was beyond the ordinary. And then for him to stop by to see her at work? Why do this? This could jeopardize trust (which sounds like it may already be questioned)

Dito


smpdjd,

Have you and your wife ever discussed swinging with a couple? There is equality in this - you are getting the same thing out of it that she's getting. If you've discussed this before, is she willing or interested in this? The answer to this might be telling.

Best wishes to you!

[sexychoclit]

Originally Posted by des1re06

This part of your post worries me most.

Swinging with a single male (to us) is simply sex.
Mrs. D

I find that a lot of profiles state that the man is allowed to play alone with a female. Just curious, would you consider this to be "simply sex".