We had a MFM but now wife getting too attached to the male

[smpdjd]

Holy shit..my marriage of 18 years is over! My wife left today.. my birthday of all days and I feel like I don't even know who she is any more..my head is spinning.. i want to smash shit up..i want to weep and i want revenge but the kids are with me and I have to be daddy...what a fool I've been!!!

[flkeyscouple]

It's good that the kids are with you - it should keep you calmer than you could do without them there. Just breath and read them a book - it might not make sense to you, but they'll enjoy it and it will keep you breathing.

The more time that passes the easier your taking a breath will be, and you need to stay calm.

I'm so sorry that this happened. It's hard to even suggest, but stay calm and as time passes your thoughts and emotions will play out - and even out.

Time heals - even if it's a temporary fix, time will help you get through the day and night.

Keep writing here, and as much as you don't want to hear it, just remember that if she left with a new partner, then there had to be deeper issues - the marriage couldn't have been too strong - at least in her mind.

Again.. breath and spend time with the kids. THEY need YOU, and believe it or not, YOU need THEM.

Mrs. FLKeys

[fearfoursome]

I hate to tell you, but you never had a grip on the situation from the start. I would have told her no before she got the sentence or question out. I then would have gotten with him and her on the phone or met some place, to let both know that not the way it`s going to be. This is not what you swing for. You should have let it be known. The problem with him is he is selfish, a fool to step in a marriage like this. I don`t have any respect for a man that could ruin children or a marriage. I`m sorry you are going through this, it`s not easy. I hope your wife snaps out of this and comes home quick. If this goes on too long your going to have more problems, because you will never trust her again, or at least I wouldn`t. I hope you and her get this under control. Take care of the kids. I hope the best for your family.

[clutch]

This is totally the shits, man. I am so sorry.

I can't fathom how much you're hurting right now, but as best I can, I'll grieve with you.

Again, so sorry.

[Loves2eatslit]

Originally Posted by InNY

There is enough drama in this single post for a TV mini series. We still haven't taken the steps into swinging and as we've been following this thread we are beginning to wonder if we really want to. Geez.

Definately have to agree w/ this but then again we're looking for a FMF not a MFM

[Loves2eatslit]

I can almost imagine what your going through . but in my case she took the kids w/ her
( my ex-wife that is)
""Again.. breath and spend time with the kids. THEY need YOU, and believe it or not, YOU need THEM.

Mrs. FLKeys "" <-------------------- Is absolutely right. Dont think to far into the future, either. Take it 1 day @ a time. Hope everything works out.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by InNY

There is enough drama in this single post for a TV mini series. We still haven't taken the steps into swinging and as we've been following this thread we are beginning to wonder if we really want to. Geez.

You're right about the TV script. Moreover, I am starting to wornder if this isn't a fake story made up to give us all the "morals" for a supposedly swinging experience.

An I am not telling for sure this didn't happend, nor something like this wouldn't happen. It is feasible, however, this doesn't portray the average swinger couple, nor the typical swinger's behavior, and even more, if you read around, this story went against all the advices piled up along this board.

To make up your mind of what's swinging about based solely in this thread, having a whole forum stuffed with a broad spectrum of experiences and outcomes, where you have the chance to ask all the questions you want and read the questions and answers from other people would be, at least, a narrowed minded approach. Of course, I'd want to believe you made an ironic comment about this story, because you're forgetting about all the answers the OP got from the experienced swingers in this board, all the comments about the red flags that now entitle them to say "we told you!".

The OP ignored everithing we said, either cheating himself with a sturbon denyal attitude (if the story were true), or because it didn't fit the the script to finally bring up the "morals" with the last porst (if the story were faked).

He gave us the story in chapters, an story that wasn't affected not even a bit by the advice we provided in the meantime, something that certainly doesn't resemble the productive dialogue featured in most of the forum posts, where the poster acknoledges the advices and takes them in account to produce a change. If this were the case, i.e. someone who is misslead into an unwanted outcome by following our advice, then you could claim we're all insane guys encouraging people to harm their own relationships.

We, swingers, were reduced to mere witnesses of this story, and the story wasn't a thrilling one: most of us foresight this outcome as a very likely one. You know, you went to the movies, you wouldn't give five stars to a movie where it becomes obvious who's the killer during the first part of it, and the rest of the movie goes about finding out what you already figured out. The thread is filled tith the words red flag from the rest of us, the OP claimed they wasn't important, that they wasn't there, just to gave us a "report" us later about the same disastrous outcome you could read in advence in those red flags.

IF there is a moral from this thread, it is: FOLKS, MAKE USE OF THIS FORUM, don't hesitate to ask questions, and the sooner, the better (even better if BEFORE even engaging in swinging), pay attention to the answers, even if you dislike what you read, because the reality tells us Fate doesn't care about what we like and dislike.

IF the story were true, I am sorry for the OP, but neither this forum, the swingers, nor this lifestyle holds any responsibility for what happened.

[lovinher]

I hope somebody-anyone learned something here. I can tell you based on some PM's from smpdjd , I do not believe this was made up. Let's not go there and hurt this guy even more.

[InNY]

Originally Posted by smpdjd

Holy shit..my marriage of 18 years is over! My wife left today.. my birthday of all days and I feel like I don't even know who she is any more..my head is spinning.. i want to smash shit up..i want to weep and i want revenge but the kids are with me and I have to be daddy...what a fool I've been!!!

Maybe she simply decided she no longer wanted to be with a guy who allowed his wife to be fucked by other guys.

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by InNY

Maybe she simply decided she no longer wanted to be with a guy who allowed his wife to be fucked by other guys.

InNY, I was about to say 'troll', but I see where you are coming from. Your first post to this board was you seemingly deciding whether to leave your wife or not - because you didn't think she'd be willing to swing. So the statement you've made above seems to be a reflex reaction because of your own situation.

I agree with your latest post in this thread. There is more drama in this thread than in many - so as you and your wife are trying to decide about the lifestyle, make sure you read through all the posts - not just the ones full of drama. There are many, many successful swing relationships that don't post because they don't have any drama to post about! I'm sure you've read through some posts that tell the successful stories too.

Now... sorry for the thread-jack.

Mrs. FLKeys

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I hope somebody-anyone learned something here. I can tell you based on some PM's from smpdjd , I do not believe this was made up. Let's not go there and hurt this guy even more.

Ok, let's give him credit about the story...

Originally Posted by InNY

Maybe she simply decided she no longer wanted to be with a guy who allowed his wife to be fucked by other guys.

My problem with the whole story is: I don't see how a consented by both parties "successfull" MFM experience could be blamed for what happened.

InNY statemet would hold waters only if the OP were being pushy about the MFM experience, disregarding his wife's feelings to the point of pushing her over the edge, making her dissapointed enough of her marriage as to look for another guy, not to mention they have kids.

This could happen, but we'd need some confirmation from the OP about this. Since he proven to have a denial attitude towards what for everyone else around were red flags, it could be the case, and even if it wasn't the case, it's enough to suspect he wasn't willing to be aware of her wife's feelings and toughts, and I believe a woman needs a long story of being ignored and/or hurted to give up her family and kids. Thus, this MFM experience could be just the last drop overflowing the glass.

As usual, we only have one side of the story. I'd love to hear the wife's oppinion, and while lacking it, it isn't that easy for me to demonize her based on the outcome as perceived by the husband, moreover when this very husband gave us enough clues about himself as to assign to him a big pie for this otcome responsibility.

I know, the guy is in pain and I don't want to make it worst for him, but it's very likely he will recover sooner or later and he will develop a new relationship (at least, I hope so), and I would be doing him a very weak favor by telling him what he'd like to hear. I believe it'd be more valuable to point out certain things about himself that I am aware because of his own words, that could negativelly affect any further relationship he may have:

It's childish to blame the MFM experience for this outcome, moreover if both of them consented and were willing to have it. At least, this would be the tip of an iceberg made up of a notorious lack of communication, where his denyal attitude ALONE would be enough to justify it (even when his wife for sure have her share of responsibility about this). In such an scenario, a swinging experience would be enough to make everithing blow up, BUT it isn't the only thing able to do it: there are many, many circunstances that would lead to the very same outcome.

It is late to advice about swinging or how to deal with the issues swinging bring to surface, but not to advice him to pay attention to his attitudes for the next relationship he may have.

[smpdjd]

phew.. so that's how it seems from the outside huh? and yes it sounds like I made the whole thing up.. but it's all true. Really all that happened was my wife turned 41 last month, she has a close Gfriend who is going thru a big relationship change and is out there meeting new guys in chat roomsand generally being kinda reckless but swears she feels liberated and my wife, who has never done anything reckless or crazy in her life has been listening to this for months.. and suddenly she's into the swing thing...and we feel closer than ever because the lid is off the pot and it seems that the people who write on this board and others are so smart and informed that it's a lifestyle that we could embrace...so we take the plunge thinking we're in control....and we have this amazingly sexy night with a guy and she experiences some of the euphoria that her friend has been telling her about and this in turn leads her down the path of thinking "Oh my God what am doing with my life.. is this all there is, i want more etc etc.." all very human feelings and i have to accept that maybe these feelings were just lying there dormant all along and the 3some was the trigger for all of this chaos.

we have talked till we're blue in the face.. and i switch from being calm and composed to feeling like a total looney inside 30 seconds.. all day long, but she has moved out and still feels certain that this is what she wants. She hasn't wavered once and i have to respect that.
It's not about the sex or the guy it's about her and living her life to the fullest something that we all want to do.. it just came about in a really effed up way.
i have made some decisons of my own which i daresay will change over the next few weeks but for now I've told her that if she wants to see this guy again that's fine but if she wants to make it an ongoing thing then we are done. Polyamory is not my thing.. i don't even think swinging is my thing. .but i was willing to try i was unaware of how my wife felt and I genuinly believe that she was too.
Our friends who know us well cannot believe it..there were no clues..the kids don't know the gorey details and we will spare them that for many many years if at all..
why my wife doesn't write here?
English isn't her first language and she's not comfortable writing.. it's that simple but she reads this board and i dare say she'll be reading it at the place she staying.. she hasn't moved in with the guy and she says she has no plans to, she's staying with her sister and she's looking for her own place.

It's true i can't believe this is happening to me but one thing I know for sure in this world that when it comes to love it's always a two way street. She is not a "criminal" and i am not a "victim" here..I played a role in bringing this about.. maybe too controlling.. i try not to be..she too passive? who knows .

This shouldn't be advice on how to swing or not.. i for one am really grateful that this board exists..it really helped me to read what people said and yes I lost it for a bit because i just couldn't see what was going on.. also very human...it's one of those situations that just backfired horribly.. we should have started slowly and explored the deeper stuff but we rushed into it like a new drug and cracked open what we thought was a stable relationship.. right now as i write this.. i don't even want her back.. it hurts to write that.. but I can't get past the idea that she'll be holding his hand and laughing her beautiful laugh and wearing her sexy lingerie for him....that's too much to handle now and I doubt I'll be able to get past it anytime in the foreseeable future.. the longer she stays away the less I'll want her back.. she knows this..i suspect she'll regret it all one day but then again maybe not,,..... here' s to the future..
s

[Tybee Swing]

S, I'm really sorry for you. So sorry. The rollercoaster of emotions you go through is very normal right now.

Originally Posted by smpdjd

... but she has moved out and still feels certain that this is what she wants. She hasn't wavered once and i have to respect that.
It's not about the sex or the guy it's about her and living her life to the fullest something that we all want to do..

Okay, fine for her, but...is she even thinking about her KIDS? I'm sorry, but as a mother, I have a very difficult time with the way she's behaving. Kids usually pay the biggest price in these situations. You are there for your kids. Please do whatever it takes as the parent who is there (hasn't left), to give them a sense of security. If it will help you (I'll bet it would), talk to somebody professional and get it all out. In order to be there for your kids emotionally, you need to take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by smpdjd

... I doubt I'll be able to get past it anytime in the foreseeable future.. the longer she stays away the less I'll want her back.. she knows this..i suspect she'll regret it all one day but then again maybe not,,..... here' s to the future..
s

You are right on both counts. The longer this goes, the less you'll want her. It's likely that one day she'll truly regret this.

Your story (minus the MFM) reminds me a great deal of what my husband went through with his ex, before we met (it was a classic cheating situation). She reached a certain age, thought there was more out there for her, played her games, told her lies, and left her husband and her kids. Sure, she came back around to see the kids, but kids know when they're abandoned by their mother for all intents and purposes.

The repercussions for her (and for your wife now) go on for years to come. In her selfishness, she can't forsee now how damaging this is to all involved...but one day, she will.

Hugs and best wishes to you, S.

[sereneiders]

I don't want to keep beating on your problem, it is just that I bleieve some other guy, in the future, could face a similar scenario, and hopefully he would be able to learn from your experience.

Originally Posted by smpdjd

Really all that happened was my wife turned 41 last month, she has a close Gfriend who is going thru a big relationship change and is out there meeting new guys in chat roomsand generally being kinda reckless but swears she feels liberated and my wife, who has never done anything reckless or crazy in her life has been listening to this for months.. and suddenly she's into the swing thing...

This changes the whole picture for me (and enhances all those red flags pointed out before). Now it seems to me she could be pondering to follow her friend's path, perhaps because she made her aware of "another possible life", and all the swinging idea fitted her own desire for exploration in an speculative way... should she dislike the experience, she could withdraw, should she like it, she could move on.

Again, it'd be good to know her side of the story as to complete the whole picture, so I cannot ensure my current perception have to reseble the truth, but it seems enough to tell you two weren't in the best shape to attempt swinging.

I have to say that your current description for what happened seems way more objective than your previous posts. I am sorry for what happened, and I wish your luck to change.

[Cpl2share]

Gotta say the more he posts the more I see troll here. In the OP's last post he claims that she does not post because English is her second language and she doesn't read it too well. But in post #13 he claims that she is sitting next to him correcting his spelling. Come on. If she can correct his spelling, and can read ther posts as well, then she could post her side of the story too. There are just too many things about this whole story that scream troll. In my opinion.