We had a MFM but now wife getting too attached to the male

[intuition897]

It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship, very honest and open, which is always great to hear. I'd be inclined to say it's just the learning curve that every newbie couple goes through. Sort of like hitting puberty and saying, "What's happening to my body?" lol One surprising thing we discovered was that problems are only problems if you allow them to be. For many couples, the idea of playing solo - especially so early on in your swinging 'career' - is very reckless. For many (most?) it is not something that they find is worth the risk. As you said, you would beat the shit out of the guy if he hurt your wife, but if you're not there, then there is a risk (however remote) that this could happen. Sex makes otherwise sane people do some pretty fucked up things.

I like what LikeMinds said:

Originally Posted by LikeMinds

Sex with someone new is fresh and very exciting. In many ways it's like dating again and with that comes the adrenaline rush that 'new sex' brings. This can be one of the great pleasures of swinging IF it is understood for what it is, not love, not substitution for one's spouse, but the flattery of attention from someone new. If your wife can see this new relationship for what it is, then you can work with this. If not, you will have a difficult if not impossible time swinging.

We all have to figure out how we feel about love and sex, how they are related, and how they differ. It's a highly personal thing and no one can learn it for us. This is, I guess, where you get down to the nitty gritty of the trust thing. Do you trust one another to be able to discern these things? Do you trust one another to make the right decisions when you are faced with them? Do you trust one another to value your own relationship the way it should be valued? What you two are about to explore is just about the scariest thing you can do in a relationship: allow one another to compare whether the grass really IS greener on the other side, try it out, and trust each other to realize that, no, the grass isn't any greener...it's just different. When you both discover that, I promise you it will liberate your relationship in ways that will just astonish you. You can't imagine the kind of freedom this allows you! To never have to wonder again whether or not your spouse is wishing he or she would be happier elsewhere. You know he/she wouldn't because you've given him/her the freedom to compare you to others, and you have been found to be better than anything else out there. The inherent risk, of course, is that you might be found lacking...but then again, if you're truly living the life you should be, being true to yourself, and you have devoted much time and energy to nurturing a beautiful, loving relationship the way it sounds you have...there shouldn't be anything better for either of you out there.

This other guy doesn't sound like much of a threat, to be honest. Not so great in bed (one trick you say?), nervous and wants to see her alone? Nah. This is one reason we've liked playing with couples, not single guys. We've found that any single guys we met had difficulty understanding their place in the swinging dynamic, figuring that I was somehow unsatisfied with my own husband. Why else would I be out looking for SuperStud? They haven't seemed to understand the concept of relationship boundaries, and they can't relate to Mr. intuition's desire to "share" me with another man, figuring that if he doesn't respect me, they don't need to either. So they would get to treat me like I'm a whore, or they would become confused and want to "resuce" me. We still haven't played with a single person yet. It's just too difficult to find one that can understand things from our perspective (ie: someone who has experience swinging as a couple, but is now single...but didn't divorce because of swinging).

If it were Mr. intuition and I, I'd say we would allow one another to explore these confusing feelings in order to sort them out once and for all. Our philosophy is that our relationship is what it is, and if it's not meant to last, we'd rather know sooner than later so we don't waste each other's time. We know that denying one another this freedom (for us) would only be counter-productive, possibly fostering a sense of resentment or frustration in that lack of trust that we would choose wisely. I would want him to say, "Go, and find out what it is you really want. Is it him? Is it me? Is it both? You can have whatever you want." It's exactly what I would tell him. Then again, we've left our relationship very flexible in this respect. Neither of us is interested in a poly relationship right now, but we've discussed the possibility and we're both quite open to that. This is what we would do. Let the infatuation run it's cute little course, and let her find out that this isn't love. It's just a new toy, and it's a helluva lot of fun to play with. She'll get bored with this other guy. It sounds like he's a little confused. It wouldn't surprise me to find out he's having difficulty separating love and sex, and is seeking separate playtime because he feels uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with another man's wife...at least while he's there and knows about it. If he can get you away from him, Mrs. smpdjd, you'll probably find that he'll try to "make love" to you, and not just have sex. He'll try to "treat you right" the way your husband "can't". And he may try to lure you into seeing him on the sly. Any time a play partner tries to put him/herself up as your spouse's emotional equal, or tries to draw you away from your spouse and towards him or her, they're up to no good. Just recognize it for what it is, and do the right thing.

Best of luck to you both.

[des1re06]

I find that a lot of profiles state that the man is allowed to play alone with a female. Just curious, would you consider this to be "simply sex".

Since playing alone is not part of our comfort level, I can't respond for others.

I was just pointing out that we don't get emotionally involved to the extent that either of us would play without the other (at this time).

Mrs. D

[smpdjd]

once again I have to thank everyone for the advice..we decided to try the couples thing even though the 3some scenario is out sexxiest fantasy.. we're just not sure how the couples thing will pan out.. so maybe a club scene might be a good way to go..
as far as letting my wife try this guy out and hope that it will peter out..thaat was my original intention.. i truly in my heart know where it's going with this guy..but somehow I'm not ready to see her come home smiling from a night of fun...we have kids and all the drama that goes with it forces us to make a decision that maybe the mrs may resent but for now I think we've got to the point where we can live with it.. he may show up at her work again although she sent him an email explaining her decision and why she feels it's not a good idea etc etc.. so we'll see..

also wanted to ask.. i feel that in my second posting a i was insensitive when I described the one on one encounter i had with the wife of a couple we met.. it never occurred to me that they might read this and recognize themselves..so how do i go back in and edit my posts?
thanks

[Goddessbear]

I do think that you need to tell her how you are feeling. I don't think its you being a neanderthal, but you all experiencing something new and maybe not totally discussing your feelings and desires first.

[clutch]

Personally, I really like you guys. Glad that she's hanging around and correcting your spelling... you sound like a really fun couple.

What you are practicing is more of an open marriage model... a lot of people do this. That's where you go on your own individual dates only you don't have to worry about losing your virginity.

If you discuss this model between you, and purposefully decide that that's what you want to do, then, by no means is it cheating any more than swinging is. Right now, I would consider you guys to be in a grey, unexplored, unresearched area, so I wouldn't be quite so quick to accuse you of cheating.

And I know several couples where the wife has one other boyfriend, and the hubby has one other girlfriend, and they are very much in love with each other. There are many with long-term threesomes where everyone is happy. (Personally, I don't think a long-term threesome would work for us, but I know a few where it works famously.)

I'm guessing that your wife may have the "Ahh--it's springtime and I'm in love (only with 2 men) syndrome." Tell her not to worry, summer, fall, and winter come along, too. We can all be susceptible to this enamouring of "in-love-ness."

You might try a joint listening session to the old song, "Escape" by Rupert Holmes.

[lovinher]

I rarely disagree with Intuition but If the husband knew nothing in advance about the guy showing up at her work than I wouldnt exactly call the guy or the situation harmless. Also, If she "managed" this visit without the OP knowing it, I'll stick to my take on this. Neither do I buy the confused theory. Confused about what? She is an adult who is supposedly in a strong marriage. Who in a strong marriage would do something like this? This was their first time doing anything like this and already there is sneaking around? If is she so prone to having these kinds of feelings for a playmate, especially after the first time, that tells me there are problems they are not addressing or even know about. Hopefully they both learned something from this. If she had her husbands blessing for this meetup at work then I'm completely wrong and forget anything I said. If he didn't then I don't understand why some are so willing blow it off as nothing. I mean come on! A new toy? WTF

[smpdjd]

ok.. lovinher.. the majority of the posts have been so constructive and helpful and then we read your post and it makes my blood boil. 1 because you upset my wife and two because your cheap psychology is uncalled for and plain rude.. don't presume to know the details of our marriage..you know only what we have told you. he happens to work half a block away from her and passes by every day it was inevitable that something like this would happen. And you have never felt the urge to step outside of your perfect marriage? hmm then you're alone ..we;ve been married a long time, 18 years, and I think my wife deserves to have these feelings of lust and desire.. God only knows I have..we fantasize about it al the time. She's human and perhaps if i was a bigger man i could let her but we're not there yet. One day I hope we will be. Y ou sit there and smugly suggest that we have problems.. the only problem we have are arrogant ignoramuses like you commenting on something they know nothing about..if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say it.. yes I'm pissed

[Loves2eatslit]

Communication is the key. Depending on your and her emotional state and tone of vioce will determine which door it unlocks.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by smpdjd

ok.. lovinher.. the majority of the posts have been so constructive and helpful and then we read your post and it makes my blood boil. 1 because you upset my wife and two because your cheap psychology is uncalled for and plain rude.. don't presume to know the details of our marriage..you know only what we have told you. he happens to work half a block away from her and passes by every day it was inevitable that something like this would happen. And you have never felt the urge to step outside of your perfect marriage? hmm then you're alone ..we;ve been married a long time, 18 years, and I think my wife deserves to have these feelings of lust and desire.. God only knows I have..we fantasize about it al the time. She's human and perhaps if i was a bigger man i could let her but we're not there yet. One day I hope we will be. Y ou sit there and smugly suggest that we have problems.. the only problem we have are arrogant ignoramuses like you commenting on something they know nothing about..if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say it.. yes I'm pissed

I think your anger and aggression is a bit misdirected. I read back through lovinher's posts and while I would not have used as blunt and in-your-face tone that he did, I do agree with almost everything he said and think that you should catch your breath a bit and take heed of what people including if not especially lovinher are telling you.

In reading your original post I see some major red flags and think that you both need to step back and each reevaluate what is taking place both within your marriage and what it is you are hoping for in a swinging relationship.

[smpdjd]

I'm sorry but with respect, you are clueless about the situation. re' lovinhers reply, Some people just like to be contrary rather than constructive. Teenagers for instance. The purpose of the post was to elicit responses from those who have faced similar situations and not so that wannabe amatuer psychiatrists could form opinions based on their own projections. His repsones hurt my wife and yes i agree my tone was aggressive but I make no apologies. thanks to the excellent and kind responses we recieved we were really able to talk thru it all and she wrote an email to him explaining clearly what was going on for her. They met today and she re-inforced her feelings in person. She feels liberated, she told me everything that was said and tonight we'll have even greater sex than we've been having all week. had the guy responded to our follow up email in a timely fashion and not gone hunting for her then we might have considered plying with him again. That's what she told him and I belive her. trust is the key. finally .. nobody should ever presume to know what is going on between another married couple.
I'm really a very mellow guy believe it or not but I am very protective about my wife and our marriage. She is my best friend more than a wife. We are life partners and we share eveything. This is the biggest test we have gone thru and we'll be better and stronger for it..
thanks again to all those who were so kind and supportive.. it really helped us both put things into perspective.
S

[sereneiders]

Sex with this guy wans't that good but still she wants to meet him? Then for sure this guy have something else to ofer, something you're not ware of, and this is what worries me the most.

I wonder how things evolved to reach the MFM experience, who bring up the subject, or if there were pressures. A lot of people (mostly women due to what they learn in this culture) are "wired" in such a way that sex must be pegged to feelings, and it could happen that even when "convinced" about this being "just sex", her need to rely on feelings lead to develop something resebling feelings enough as to enable her to feel confortable, and once there, it'd be hard for her to break the bond.

You need to talk to your wife, not only to set up the boundaries for what's right or wrong or hurtfull, also to understand where those "feelings" came from.

[smpdjd]

thanks..we talked deeply about it.. the resaon she was/is still attracted to him is that he is drop dead gorgeous..! simple as that.. he's kind of her fantasy guy and even though our night was incredibly sexy it was she and I who made it so..it's hard to say no to a beautiful guy when he's this good looking and sweet too but she's through it now..they met today and she feels great about it.. she'l probably still have some lingering felings for a while.. I have terrible crushes on women that I mistook for love even recently..it takes time and trust..we have both.
you ,ust understand too that after 18 years of marriage when a guy like this suddenly takes interest in you it's hard not to have your head turned around.. she;s only human after all.. but like I said we have talked it to death and will continue to talk it.. he still plays a rold in out fantsy life.. neither of us can belive we actually did this.. it was the hottest and craziest thing we've ever done.. we can't wait to do it again but this time we have a few more skills going in.. thanks
s

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by smpdjd

.. the only problem we have are arrogant ignoramuses like you commenting on something they know nothing about..if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say it.. yes I'm pissed

I don't think lovinher is being out of line in stating his opinion on the matter, and my interpretation is that he was simply trying to be helpful, rather bluntly, but we're not all literary geniuses here either. (myself included)

This board isn't a place for name calling and personal attacks.

Mr. Truelove

[lovinher]

I/we only know what you have told us. Your post and responses are full of red flags and contradictions. Sereneiders and many others have made some good points. Of course communication is the thing to do and it seems you are doing just that. Great! There are all kinds of people on this board with all kinds of opinions. Some you will agree with, some not. You posted for a reason. You said yourself you are confused and you are afraid this will turn into an affair! So I gave you my opinion. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear. I am straight and to the point, some people appreciate it, some don't. My position stands. If you want some kind of cuddly answer then write Dear Abby and ignore what others in this post are saying and follow the ones who sugar coat it.

This was your first time. Your wife obviously developed feelings for the guy the very first time out, according to your post anyway. Doesn't that tell you anything? Until the reasons behind what transpired here are resolved then in my clueless, smug and rude opinion you two should not be swinging. So now you are committed to playing with couples only. Why is that? Are you afraid a single guy might present the same problem? Are you afraid this will happen again? You say you want to give her this and she deserves it. Give her what? The chance at lust and desire? So as long as it is a married guy you are ok with it? Maybe for good reasons. If you really mean that why did you post your dilemma? What happened to the trust you say you have? That alone tells me you are not comfortable with her and another single guy. Which is not unusual but flies in face of what you are pissed at me about. When you posted you said "she managed to meet him" So what is it? Did she set it up or did he just drop by? You still have not made that clear. I'm curious as to how you found out about it. If she told you then good for her. If not, well then something is wrong. So he walks by her work everyday and you call their meeting inevitable. Sorry but I meet hot woman everyday, my meeting them on the sly is not inevitable and does not and will not happen. BTW, I'v been married 28 years and have NEVER had the desire to step outside my marriage. Wether you believe that or not makes no difference to me. I don't beleive I'm alone in that either.
You seem to be missing the point. Explore the reasons this happened in the first place then make your decision together with boundries you both can handle. If you can trust her completely as you say you do (worrying about an affair is not trust) then go on to swinging. I am glad you seemed to have worked this out for now but I don't believe you have resolved the underlying issue. So blast me all you want. If it makes you feel better so be it.
I, in my own way was trying to help you. You can take it or leave it. Let us know how your next few experiences go. If you followed the advice given here by many in this thread then you should be fine.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by smpdjd

I'm sorry but with respect, you are clueless about the situation. re' lovinhers reply, Some people just like to be contrary rather than constructive. Teenagers for instance. The purpose of the post was to elicit responses from those who have faced similar situations and not so that wannabe amatuer psychiatrists could form opinions based on their own projections. His repsones hurt my wife and yes i agree my tone was aggressive but I make no apologies.
S

You are correct, I do not know all about the situation. All any of us have to go on is what you have written to us and from what you have written I see a road paved with red flags and when someone points that out without sugar coating you attack them. When you originally said that lovinher's comments hurt your wife my thought was of course it did because he called her out on it and she didn't like getting busted. Sometimes I think people get the most pissed off at the people that tell it like it really is and the people getting mad know they are right but it is not what they are wanting to hear.

I hope things are as worked out and ok as you say it now is. I still agree with my original advice in that I think you both need to step back and go back to the drawing board. I am not trying to get down on you but rather asking you to shed your anger and take a real hard look at everything and see what is really there and not just what you are wishing was there.