Fell for a swing partner and need help!.

[Sleepless In NY]

I need help, my friends. I am an imbecile ‘cause After 14plus years in the swinging lifestyle, it happened, and i’m not happy. My wife and i swap with others in different rooms and we sometimes go out separately. We do this at key parties etc. We come back and share our wild stories and never had any problem with any of this until this experience. head bang

We swapped partners with a couple we met in a club from upstate, and without seeing it coming, me and the woman developed a romantic love connection. i understand this is not real and a big fantasy. She was gorgeous in my eyes facelick. Love at first sight---ha. I am not gonna post “I met my soulmate and am thinking about divorce”. i have a level-head and understand what true love is (my wife & sons), so pls don’t think i am an idiot in a romance novel. But the lustful connection was something I haven’t felt in 18 years & I am very ashamed at myself. Sex and swinging is allways recreational so this is so strange.

We agreed NO MORE CONTACT and its hard on me . We were all good friends until the feelings. The four of us also traveled together once. Stupid me for letting a swinging partner mess with my heart. I did not realize I was even capable of such strong romantic thoughts. So many things in our condo remind me of her and its so hard for me. My heart is sad because I keep replaying the excitement and the anticipation of our encounters.

it sounds stupid but i know in my life i will never experience such a level of excitement as my encounters with this woman. my wife and I are best friends and are close and we are tight. That is why stopping this was essential. The woman is in my thoughts constantly and I feel guilty and mad at myself.

Even after two decades with my wife, our sexlife is fun and our swinging adventures are even more fun. What happened during this event was beyond all that . romantic sex like this is too much to handle. I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life. There was no swinging encounter that ever compared to this. I kind of now understand why people have affairs. Swinging is a ton of fun and sex with the wife is beautiful, but the sleepless nights in anticipation of these encounters was beyond anything.

I am glad we cut it off and I am glad my wife knows. But I still hurt and I am sad that unless I turn into a cheater ----which is OUT OF THE QUESTION, ---- that same level of romantic desire and passionate thrill will be gone forever and ever. But maybe with some time and support I will look back and laugh at this silly sadness. Please don’t judge me soapbox because this was not intentional and it stopped early enough. Maybe someone here can relate or offer words and maybe we can all learn. Please PM if you have any private words. I think about the feeling and the rush all day and I want it to STOP. HELP HELLLP

[intuition897]

Have any of you considered polyamory? Or do you feel that this new relationship would detract from the one you share with your wife?

[Sleepless In NY]

excellent question. I think this would be too much to handle. We have always been a unit and besides swinging, we are quite conservative in our views. During the episode, My mind moved to the new woman too much. I understand the poly philosophy about being capable to love many people, like the love for my second son did not detract my first one, and I have two sisters and two parents that share my love.

but the kinda 'love' I felt in this episode was the romantic--lustfull--stare--in--our--eyes--gone--crazy love, which is not love at all, right? it is very dangerous, and this could sound dumb, but the only thing worse than no contact would be to have continued it. i need a reality check and an eraser for my memory and life will go on
Surrender
and i hope time will help

[Miss_Piggy]

My best advise is that you should wait it out.
I've been there. I know the feelings feel so strong - like they will never go away. But they will. Some time will go by and you'll be able to look back on this post and think... well, that was dramatic of me.
You've done the right thing. Cut things off. You aren't a slave to your emotions and the feelings will pass.
Good luck.

[MarcusAndErin]

I think Miss Piggy makes a good point. I often look back to my past (usually just for laughs) and when I see my past relationships where I said I was in love, I'm not so sure. It's like looking back to our high school days and thinking "Wow, how I've changed!" or "Boy was I an idiot back then!". Obviously your very mature as it's not easy for any man to come out and throw what you did on a public board. I think time is a good avenue to take as well.

Naturaly I don't know you at all. But by your own admission, you LOVE YOUR WIFE AND SON!... sounds like great stuff to me friend

[tribbles]

http://www.worldhealth.net/p/molecul...005-12-01.html

Molecule Gives Passionate Lovers Just One Year

ROMEÂ -- Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It's all part of falling passionately in love -- and scientists now tell us the feeling won't last more than a year.

The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.

The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the "social chemistry" between people at the start of a relationship.

More at link....................


S

[Sleepless In NY]

thanks for the words of encouragement. It does sound silly of me. Time heals all, but of course. i only want it to go faster! Each day is easier but its scary how i'm a slave to the emotions. i have too many NGFS in my blood. despite all teh love for my family, i will just sorely miss our experiences together. lets hope we all look at thread and laugh one day. i doubt it, tho...................

[Roman Hands]

Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

No intended disrespect to the scientist of my heritage, but.....I say horsepucky! Yeah, yeah we all have heard about the "science" of sex. And I don't disagree that certain "chemical" reactions occur when two people meet. But it has been pretty well established that men and women approach sex differently, for the most part. And I think men are more "proned" to "puppy love" symptoms than women. Largely because men have such a need (myself included) for ego "strokes". And it doesn't take much for us! An attractive women, other than our SO, shows us attention, no matter how slight, and "KABOOM" we're in love!!

We have been married 18 years. Neither of us have ever had, nor even been tempted, to have an "affair"...a la carte. We retired at 40, and for the last 9 years, have been inseperable 24/7. And WE LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!we travel, we hike, we work out, we play, we have sex, we have sex, we have sex (you get the picture )We are beyond "best friends" (unless you are having 2 hour lovemaking sessions with your best friend). Our love life, our sex, is not a smoldering fire that sometimes needs fanning. Its a couple of "mad" dogs in heat that have to be hosed down to seperate. We both still get the butterflys and adrenalin rush. Often she says she has to catch her breath!

I know, as does she, that if either of us ever met someone who caused us that level of intense desire, then we as a couple are through! Inviting a playmate or playmates, to our bed, is simply another "toy" in our arsenal of sex toys. We don't say that to be rude or degrading, its just how we view it. And we would hope that the playmate, or playmates, would view us in the same way. I suppose it goes back to the question of sex versus love. After a friend of mind was divorced for the 5th time! another friend said to him....You know, you don't HAVE to marry every woman you have sex with!

My suggestion is that you quit the "puppy love" behavior and figure out, with your wife, just what you DO have and DO NOT have, in your relationship with each other. And then decide whether you want to build on it or tear the whole thing apart and either start over, or walk away.

[Chicup]

I don't think you need help because you seem to be doing all the right things.

Its going to be hard, and in some ways I think we are programed to look for new lovers even when everything is perfect at home. You need to fight your insticts and the love will fade in time.

[Sleepless In NY]

thank you for the advice. Roman I agree with what you are saying because for 14yrs and 200odd swing partners everyone was sex toys too.......i did not expect this. i have learned on the Internet that sometimes the right combination of chemicals and smells and visuals do this. we put on the brakes right away, so we did the right thing, like chicup said (thank you).

i do feel guilt and shame but pls understand this wasnt a conscience choice. for the first time in 20 years, i kind of understand why all my vanilla friends at work at my hospital have affairs. i am verrry opposed to lying and cheats but now my eyes are open and even tho i'd never do it, i see the power of sex+feelings. i know it is not love and i know it is not a soul mate but ohmygod facelick this is the stare and gaze and the passion that is in romance books is stronnng. Surrender

if u r curious ---- each day is easier now ----- the thoughts are less. thank God. its hard. i know i am an idiot but it is passing.

[lovinher]

posted by sleepless
I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

You dont feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by lovinher

posted by sleepless
I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

You dont feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

I love my wife, we have a great sex life, but compared to the passionate sex we had early in our relationship it won't be the same again no. Its nothing to be worried about its just human nature.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--Get the surfboard out because you have one heckuva wave to ride, but you will be okay. Brain chemistry is a bitch, but you'll be fine in time.

[Sleepless In NY]

Originally Posted by lovinher

posted by sleepless
I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

You dont feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

thanks everyone. i am really glad 4 u that you have this kinda sex w/ur spouse.
I think many of us here have a lot to learn from you, cause according to all the science journals and books and articles i printed, theres a huge difference between brand new lust sex and sex after 20 years of marriage and children.

Surrender

After parenthood & being very comfortable and in TRUE LOVE with each other we ofcourse enjoy sex, but there is just #NoThING# that can describe what went on during these sessions. i don't think it's possible for two humans to have this kinda sex for 20yrs............or even for more than six sessions. by all the PMs i got, i know many people understand this. i will throw this out.... if everyone had sex with their spouse year after year like we had............. i don't think anyone would bother with swinging or going to swinging clubs.... pls.... someone who remembers a new forbidden relationship or someone who has had a crazy romantic affair.......back me up if you were going through this right now with ur spouse, u would not be surfing and reading this.

...........i just wanna say that anyone who expects this kinda sex for more than two months would need to check into the nearest hospital.

anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book...... i will fly them to JFK to teach me. this was the sort of marathon where you would never go to work on monday & would never dream of sharing the person with another human.

anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disapointed. ............this was the encounter we had and to expect this from a loving & devoted spouse of 20 yrs is not fair. even with a great sex life.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Sleepless In NY

anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book...... i will fly them to JFK to teach me. this was the sort of marathon where you would never go to work on monday & would never dream of sharing the person with another human.

Why not? The idea of hording someone else's sexuality all to myself is a foreign concept to me now. I don't care HOW awesome the sex is; it still doesn't belong solely to me. If anything, it makes me want to share it with others because it's just too good to be kept under wraps like that.

And BTW, I do know that feeling you're talking about. It feels like every nerve ending you have is on fire. And you know when I felt it the most intensely?...

Originally Posted by Sleepless In NY

anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disapointed. ............this was the encounter we had and to expect this from a loving & devoted spouse of 20 yrs is not fair. even with a great sex life.

The most intense feelings I've had of freedom and absolute raw sexual power were with my own husband...after I had shared him. I allow him to have sexual freedom because I love him, not in spite of that love. I'm sure you're thinking, "No, no, no you just don't get it! I meant REAL passion, REAL intense sex." But honey, it just doesn't get any more intense than that. We're talking about passing-out-intense. Wide-awake, 20-cups-of-coffee-alert, electrostatically charged intense.

Everyday sex does ebb and flow with the twists and turns life hands us, but it's liberally punctuated with many a GREAT session, where the chemistry just...sparks!