How do you avoid falling in love with a playmate?

[CnL]

Still new to the stuff and haven't really started... my wife isn't 100% ready yet so we decided to give it more time... as long as it takes.
However, in one of our talks a subject came up: the fear of falling in love with someone else. We DO love each other very much and are very happy together, but as they say ..."love is blind". So how do you deal and manage to sepparate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?
C

[meandher2go]

if there is a question...dont swing id say. but keep talking.

for us, its just sex and fun. nothing more.

[intuition897]

I'm not sure how you completely avoid the risk of falling in love with someone else, C. I can't tell you it's not a possibility, but if you're able to see swinging sex as purely recreational (meaning, you are able to successfully separate love and sex), then falling in love with someone else will be a completely unrelated issue. If you're going about it the right way, there should be no more risk of falling in love with others while swinging than there would be in other situations, like joining a gym, working with your co-workers, inviting the neighbours over for dinner, joining a bowling league, etc. Swinging is just like any of these other activities. There are emotional boundaries that it is a serious taboo to cross.

Now, the other argument is, of course, would you consider the idea of forming other meaningful long-term relationships acceptable? Y'know, one of the things I love about swinging is that it causes you to rethink things on a level that you previously never even THOUGHT of. Monogamy was just a given. And so is emotional monogamy. Some people are, however, geared differently and polyamorous relationships should not be ruled out before they are fully considered. Mr. intuition and I have considered it, and if he felt the desire to form other relationships that resembled the one that we have...I am not opposed to it...as long as it does not take away from what we have worked to build together. I just want him to be happy. He feels the same way towards me. However, we've chosen not to do so simply because ONE relationship is all we're interested in working on right now. One perfect relationship. We just don't have the time or emotional energy to spend on anything more. But we're keeping our options open; you never know what life will throw your way. It's an adventure, and it's all good.

[good times]

While I think most of us had some thoughts or concerns about this when we first started, in reality it is a non issue. What we found out is that it is just recreational sex with others. For us, the emotional part never crosses our mind. Like Intuition said crossing that line is taboo, so one tends to have a mindset when playing with others that just doesn't include any emotional involvement. Furthermore, on a practical level I don't think I could fall in love or have a relationship with someone who is willing to dump their spouse for me. I would pretty much figure I would be dumped for the next new thing. I have the best wife in the world now anyway, so, I have no desire to get emotionally involved with anyone else.

[BiloxiCouple]

It does come up. Maybe not love, but definately feelings or some type of emotional thing.

I've had it happen slightly once. Weird feeling. But I took it no further. Distance was one thing. Other commitments. But I did have more than just normal emotions for someone here. Whatever normal is.

She is still a special person. Just had to deal with it and be adult about. But it sure was interesting. And she doesn't know about it. We still "talk" once in a while.

[NandTfromCA]

We have found that we have become close to friends we have sex with very quickly. But it’s not the sex itself that does it. It’s the openness that we have with each other that seems to take much longer to achieve with vanilla (non-swinger) friends.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and develop feelings for people pretty quickly (as in friendship love), but have never thought I was falling “in love” with someone that we swing with.

We see being in love, being loving friends, and liking somone we have sex with, as 3 totally different things.

Mr.

[Darkblue]

We thought about this as well and to be honest if it happens it happens you cant say it wont, its does happen and no one can tell you it wont.

All i can say is if you feel your getting too involved then call it a day with them and go to new pastures, Love is blind and love can hurt and destroy anything you have, ask yourself is it worth it??

I like my female friend and to be honest if i thought i was getting too attached then i would have to end the fun,my marriage is far to precious to risk it for something where the outcome isnt known..

Steve

[Amanda69]

Love happens when it happens but if you are in a truly stable relationship and are just looking for recreational sex it shouldn't be an issue for you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by CnL

So how do you deal and manage to sepparate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?
C

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing. If you had the religious and social upbringing I had, you were told that you don't have sex with someone unless you love them, and even then you aren't suppose to have sex until after getting married.

Because of this brainwashing I had, when I started having sex I felt I had to make myself believe I loved the person in order to relieve myself from the guilt I was experiencing having sex. How's that for mind fucking myself?

Fortunately, the man I was having sex with was Mr LM, who I did eventually fall in love with and marry.


My advice, if you're unable to separate sex from love, then I'd not recommend swinging for you at this time.

LM

[Chip_n_Muffy]

Just don't constantly play with the same people. Hard to fall in love with someone you have limited contact with. This advice runs counter to the "friends first" subset of the swing community, but it is certainly valid advice. JMO.

Chip

[CnL]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing.

No, it is not a concern. I have had sex-only partners in the past, where I knew that it was just for fun and nothing more (and I kept it that way).
But during the talks I've had with my wife this thing came up... the "what if".. and of course the "how not to"... and I was curious to see how others deal with it.
So good oppinions until now... but the more the better.

[appleblossoms20]

In our two year realtionship with another couple there were many "good times." There was a love there but not the type of love that hubby and I share. We thought the other couple felt the same way....but when the chips were down...(this man became terminally ill) it became apparent that he loved me a way in which I could not love him. It was very difficult to walk away from him and her both but we had to. I believe that this man and a lot of people regardless of age often equate sex with love. Love involves so many other facets....from childrearing, illness, to caring for an elderly parent....so many things none of which even involves sex. The end of the story resulted in a man losing his wife, business, family and being alone as he struggled with his illness. I wish you the best and hope that before you enter this lifestyle you will have an answer to your question.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing. If you had the religious and social upbringing I had, you were told that you don't have sex with someone unless you love them, and even then you aren't suppose to have sex until after getting married.

Because of this brainwashing I had, when I started having sex I felt I had to make myself believe I loved the person in order to relieve myself from the guilt I was experiencing having sex. How's that for mind fucking myself?

Fortunately, the man I was having sex with was Mr LM, who I did eventually fall in love with and marry.


My advice, if you're unable to separate sex from love, then I'd not recommend swinging for you at this time.

LM

I think I agree with you LM. Guys were under the same brainwashing...Just they fell out of "love" sooner.

Your post seems to indicate that you got past that point with your husband in that you say you were fucking and then fell in love so you weren't in love when you started fucking? The first time I had sex with Fem D was 2 years before we got married. I was not in love with her. She may have had feelings for me though. I'm not sure they developed into love for either of us till later...me anyway.

As for the OP's question: It's just something that you don't think about. You can't allow it. It's enough that you can share intimately with a couple...even to the point of wanting to be exclusive with them...be happy with that...but the love you have for your wife should never be a match. Solution...keep seeing the person because you are chemically attracted to them, if the Love chemical seeps in then you should probably talk about it...with your partner and SO. Sometimes things that seem like love aren't but just a closeness you feel for the person. I have a female friend in the vanilla world. I love her. I loved it when I could be with her. It was confused with romantic love in my mind and my wifes. In retrospect, I'd say that I had great feelings for her but knew that I loved my wife and that was the choice that was worth sticking to. Those that have kids will relate to that..you love them totally but you wouldn't take it further than that. The same thing has to happen with your partners. You can't go beyond a certain point or it's big trouble.

Enjoy the sex and let that be the limit. Program it in now.

Male D

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by CnL

Still new to the stuff and haven't really started... my wife isn't 100% ready yet so we decided to give it more time... as long as it takes.
However, in one of our talks a subject came up: the fear of falling in love with someone else. We DO love each other very much and are very happy together, but as they say ..."love is blind". So how do you deal and manage to sepparate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?
C

One of the cool things about swinging is that it's enabled Mr. Fuse and I to hang out with people we normally wouldn't get a chance to be friendly with. We have definitely expanded our horizons as far as the types of people we socialize with now, which is something we wanted to do for years. We're pretty boring, and our vanilla friends are a bit boring too. There's a sameness with respect to type of family background, type of job, financial situation, hopes and plans for the future...and the unspoken assumptions of our lives. We love being with people who are unlike us in many respects -- all great people, just with a different set of priorities etc.

A side benefit to swinging with people so unlike us is that we are really far apart on lifelong ambitions, day-to-day priority list, basic values etc. that there is just no chance of falling in love. There are also other more superficial reasons why I wouldn't fall in love with my favorite playmate -- for instance, he smokes. We all just spent a weekend together, but I couldn't live with that every day.

I'm not saying this quite right, and may get flamed. But the basic point is that for swinging, I like being with people who are different enough from me that although I really enjoy their company, falling in love is just not a question at all.

We would also like to meet couples who are more like us. If and when that happens, I hope to take care to find some good reason I wouldn't form an attachment that would threaten my marriage. In my mind it's okay to be fond of someone, and even to know that I'd go to lengths if he needed something. But there's no doubt in my mind who I'll be with until parted by death.

I'll bet that when you start meeting other couples, you and your wife will find yourself saying, "Gee, I like this person and am attracted to them, but if I were single, I probably wouldn't pursue a relationship because of ".

[Additude]

For me it's a mindset. I don't want to fall in love, I'm not looking to fall in love. Keep that mindset.

However there is not sure fire way to tell you to prevent it from happening. It's up to you and your wife to maintain your love for each other over any other influances from outside your marriage.

Lets face it, we can fall in love with a co-worker, the neighbor, close friends, etc. The difference here is sex and it can be divided into two catagories. Making love and Recreational sex.

You make love to your wife and she in turn to you. If your swinging with another couple, then it's recreational.

Keep it that way and if either of you have any feelings that deviate from that then you need to tell each other about it and respect your marriage.