Emotional Attachments and How to Handle Them?

[XMonkey]

Mrs X and I have 2 rules apart from the obvious ones (safe sex, women rule etc.), and these are no secrets and no emotional attachments.

11 months into swinging and we had (after plenty of mfm 3-somes and 4-somes and mores-somes at parties) our first mff 3-some. What a blast! Unfortunately we've run onto a problem. The no emotional attachment rule is in serious jeopardy between myself (Mr X) and the young lady (not reciporacated as far as I can tell, fortunately).

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

Now for the big question (its taken a while to get here) - do I tell the other lady? and if I don't, how do I justify not chatting and meeting like we used to?

[TNT]

Originally Posted by XMonkey

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

Bravo to you both

Ted and I have always said that IF either of us ever felt an emotional attachment to someone else we would let the other know.

Now that you have recognized what's happening, you have to deal with it. I would suggest just letting the other woman know that you two have decided things are going a bit to far and you need to back off...no other explanation is needed. If she takes it bad, there really is nothing you can do about it...at this point your marriage is the most important thing.


Teresa

[MarriedNY'ers69]

I'm glad you were honestly with you wife. I am sure it was hard to tell her at first. But to know she was so understand haha and already knew makes it easy doesn't?

I would tell the women that things just need to end between you two. I guess you could tell her that you feel more for her then you should. I don't know. I haven't been in this situation before. One way or the other you have to make the choice for your marriage and not worry so much about the other person KWIM?

[BiWoman33]

As a single woman who has experienced this, it would be very kind to be honest, and end the relationship. It's no good for you or your marriage to try to continue a sexual relationship- these feelings tend to build on themselves, and you would find it harder and harder- but she did nothing wrong, and I think that swinging does require some accountability to the other parties, particularly if this was more than one night of playing.
On the flip side, just what are your feelings? It isn't a bad thing to like the people you are having sex with...a crush is not a big deal, and could be something that mellows into a great friendship for all three of you. My point is that you may not need to be uncomfortable with your feelings- you certainly don't need to act on them, you have full understanding from your wife, and in a way it makes for, I think , a very special experience. Personally, I'd rather have more feelings for people than less....it takes the eroticism much deeper and it is so gratifying. Best of luck, whatever you decide, and keep us posted.

[XMonkey]

Thanks for all the advice. Biwoman33, my feelings are way beyond a crush, this needs to end now!

And so to action: I have chatted with the lady in question, and we have agreed to give it some time to cool things down, and then maybe chat as friends. I think I've dragged her mood down with mine, but honesty is probably best.

Thanks again, X.

[BiWoman33]

Good wishes to all of you- this is a worst case scenario no one ever wants to go through, but better a pinch and a small sense of loss, than a wallop and huge, real, loss.

[Chris Blue]

Wow thats crazy your wife knew the whole time my g/f doesn't know I want to get into the lifestyle I wonder if she knows "looks around nervously" well best of luck to you.

[EvilMJ]

It can be difficult not to form emotional bonds with people that you are intimate with. I can think of one guy that we play with that I could easily fall in love with if I chose to let myself get caught up in things.

As it is we both love our spouces and just keep a good distance. I am not really interested in a polyamorous relationship, so the best idea for me is just occassional chats and play time once in a while.

I think it is great that you and your wife are able to talk about this and you can see things clearly and have handled it maturely. Good for you.

[SweetTXCouple]

This very same thing happened between myself and the other woman, and I can definately tell you that it put a serious strain on my marriage when my wife found out, as to be expected.
In hindsight, while it was strangly reassuring to know that I could be both a friend and a lover to another woman, the ramifications led to us taking a break from the lifestyle to let things cool off.
We were very good friends with this other couple, however they had a very open marriage that allowed such activity, where mine does not.
Our differences clashed in the long run, creating hostility between my wife and the other woman; this was hard to deal with as they had become the best of friends during our time we spent together outside the bedroom.
I dont think it was the intamacy that led to such feelings between the both of us as much as it was the physical attraction and the fact that we were simply very compatible and loved each others company.
I do regret letting my emotions take over with her, but at the same time miss the time we shared together. And I should note that this has been very hard to deal with, leaving me somewhat confused as I have never in my life had to deal with a situation like this. I love my wife dearly and would never want anything to come between us, but what do I do if the other woman wants a little quality time with me?
We dont really keep in touch with them anymore, although I have chatted with the other woman a few times simply because my wife was devastated when she lost her best friend, she is still forgiving and wishes to rekindle that friendship. We shared much more than just our spouses and would often stay at their place on weekends doing whatever we felt like doing, be it a barbeque, a day in the pool, hot-tub, or even a night out on the town at a local bar when they would come to visit us.
I have learned a valuable lesson when it comes to emotional attachment, I try to keep my feelings at bay from now on...

K&S
Abilene Texas

[meandher2go]

i just hope it never happens to ME. I dont ever see it happening but im sure you didnt either.

sounds like YOU are doing the right thing.

[angelrose85053]

This has happened to me twice. Both times involving the other man and myself. The way I have handled it is, by referring to our rules. In the beginning, I explained to them that if "love" ever came to the table that no matter what I would never leave my husband and if there was ever an attempt on their part to try to see me away from my husband, I would call it off.

The bottom line is, that I can't tell someone to not have feelings or care, even love, those involved in such intimate acts. But, trying to act on those feelings IS crossing the line of approprietness.

Aimee

[BiWoman33]

Aimee- has this been in situations with a couple or a single man? I just wonder how you feel if you become aware of his feelings, yet continue to see him because he doesn't cross the line? I imagine one would still feel inappropriate to be having sex with someone whose feelings you don't/can't/won't reciprocate. In essence, wouldn't it be hard knowing that the relationship is not good for that person who may be pining for you?

[Mr. Better Half]

XMonkey you are my hero! You did the right thing and if I am ever in the same situation I hope I have your courage.

And yes, I think we men probably are that transparent. My wife knows as soon as I do if something is on my mind. Sure makes it easy to not hide things!

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

First let me commend you for telling your wife and her for knowing and giving you time to deal with it. I'll bet she knew you would tell her or she wouldn't have been able to keep quiet until you did. Sounds like you two have a great relationship and good communication.

Now...

Originally Posted by TNT

I would suggest just letting the other woman know that you two have decided things are going a bit to far and you need to back off...no other explanation is needed. If she takes it bad, there really is nothing you can do about it...at this point your marriage is the most important thing.
Teresa

I agree with TNT here. Just tell this woman you two (include your wife) have decided it is going too far and need to back off. You really owe no one in the lifestyle (other than each other) your reasons for the decisions you make. Plus, if might freak her out a little if she doesn't have feelings or encourage her to pursue you if she does. Too much drama either way. Keep it simple, present it as a united decision by both of you and then move on.

Good luck

Mrs Spoomonkey

[angelrose85053]

Originally Posted by BiWoman33

Aimee- has this been in situations with a couple or a single man? I just wonder how you feel if you become aware of his feelings, yet continue to see him because he doesn't cross the line? I imagine one would still feel inappropriate to be having sex with someone whose feelings you don't/can't/won't reciprocate. In essence, wouldn't it be hard knowing that the relationship is not good for that person who may be pining for you?

It was with two single men. Separate situations, of course. It didn't bother me to know that they had feelings for me.We had become great friends (we=husband and I and the single male) so the feelings were recpriocated to an extent of "caring for" him, on my end. But, most certainly not "In-love" feelings. Both situations the single men were not looking for a serious relationship, yet found themselves expressing emotions they didn't think they could/would have in this situation. In the end they both admitted that they respected my marriage, they respected my husband and respected the bond that we have and are just happy to be a part of it in some way. Both, still date on the side and are certainly not exclusive to us. I suppose this situation could pose potential problems to a single that will not let go of the fact that the one they adore will not leave and that is where the cord would be cut, if that ever happened.

Did that answer your question or was I totally off?