Why do swingers get married?

I just had a question for you married swingers? Why did you get married? I only ask that because my boyfriend and I like to "play" with other couples and enjoy our freedom, however, we love each other very much and wanted to be togther as well. I guess you could say "have your cake and eat it too." The idea of getting married is scarey. Wedding vowes are very very serious and sxplicit when they say "forsaking all others" and I think if we continue in our lifestyle, consenting or not, is cheating no if ands or butts. He however wants to get married and continue. I personally think that would be very wrong and see no point in a marriage if it is that way I know I'm talking in circles, I guess the bottom line is, why marry and take vowes only to cheat on each other (consenting or not) when we already live togther and have a great relashionship??? He says, lets get married and make it better? I ask how???

[Anothercouple]

I think you are focusing too much on semantics. If you think that swinging while married is 'cheating' thats your logic and I won't argue with it. For my wife and I its not cheating, and if anything swinging has made our marriage even stronger.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by wondering:
I just had a question for you married swingers? Why did you get married?

Because in the end no matter how much you want to have sex with others or enjoy it you want to be with that one special person and they are the only one you love. Marriage is really nothing more than a ceremony to show yourselves and the world how much you mean to each other and that you intend to be together forever. If you don't intend to be together forever don't get married.

I only ask that because my boyfriend and I like to "play" with other couples and enjoy our freedom, however, we love each other very much and wanted to be togther as well. I guess you could say "have your cake and eat it too." The idea of getting married is scarey. Wedding vowes are very very serious and sxplicit when they say "forsaking all others"

Vows are what you make of them, you can write your own vows to say whatever you want them to say, so that they represent what you want your marriage to be.

and I think if we continue in our lifestyle, consenting or not, is cheating no if ands or butts.

If that's how you look at it then that's something you will have to overcome if you want to get married and still swing. I explain it as this.. it's not cheating as long as your spouse knows about it and is ok with it.. it's something you are doing together openly. Cheating would imply that you are leaving your spouse of the circle in some way or another.

He however wants to get married and continue. I personally think that would be very wrong and see no point in a marriage if it is that way I know I'm talking in circles, I guess the bottom line is, why marry and take vowes only to cheat on each other (consenting or not) when we already live togther and have a great relashionship??? He says, lets get married and make it better? I ask how???

It would seem that based on your logic you would be cheating even now. Just because you take a vow to 'forsake all others' doesn't make what you are doing now any different than what you would be doing if you got married.

Again, marriage is an outward sign to the world and each other that you are making this committment to each other to stay together. If the "vows" are what bother you so much, write your own so that they fit what you want your marriage to be.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[Stratecpl]

Wondering,

I have to totally agree with Anothercouple in this discussion, swinging has only made our marriage a hundred times stronger, more exciting, and meaningful than it ever was before. And Julie has said so many good things, I can't even comment!! Way to go, Julie!!

We look at swinging as an adventure that we undertake as a couple, a TEAM, if you will.... Things you do together, when both partners are in total agreement, tend to strengthen your relationship. Hey, it's true, it's TRUE!!!

As for cheating.... NO. If you do it without your spouse (or partner's) approval, THEN it's cheating. Doing it WITH their blessing is SHARING, though.... and sharing is FABULOUS!!!!

Swinging is not for everyone. If you have problems before you wed, they will only grow worse. Problems must be solved together, as a TEAM (that word again). Really! Communication is what it's all about. You guys talk it over carefully. Don't leave a single stone unturned, either. It's that important.

But if things are OK and you're both in total agreement, then proceed carefully. The world out there awaits you both!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[Alura]

If you swing, it's impossible to cheat; If you cheat, it's impossible to swing.
Alura

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by Alura:
If you swing, it's impossible to cheat; If you cheat, it's impossible to swing.
Alura

Sorry, have to disagree with that one. We knew of one married couple in New Hampshire who were swinging with friends of ours, yet she was also seeing another man on the side in a LTR, unknown to her husband. I do suspect that it's less common among swingers, but it does happen. Our friends related to us the terror the other woman was going through, worried her husband would find out.

Now, if you're referring to the swing relationship not being cheating, you're correct if both hubby and wife are involved, or at least aware.

Dan




[This message has been edited by CanadianCouple (edited 06-20-2001).]

Originally posted by Alura:
If you swing, it's impossible to cheat; If you cheat, it's impossible to swing.
Alura

Sorry, but I'd have to disagree with this statement also...

We've received LOTS of responses from our ads from spouses/partners who want to swing with other couples/singles withOUT the knowledge of their spouse/partner. In our book, that would be CHEATING!

Therefore, if they're swinging withOUT their spouses/partners knowledge, then that's also CHEATING!

"Impossible to cheat, while swinging", visa-versa? It's VERY possible to do both, if that's what one's intent is....


Wife of CyberMWCouple

[Stratecpl]

In other words, the gist of the message is that "CHEATING is detrimental, SHARING is beneficial." We plan to be involved in this way of life for a LONG time, so we definitely plan on being upfront with each other, no matter what. It just makes good sense! And maybe we'll run into some of you in the process, too!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[Alura]

We'll stick to our guns. Swinging requires total honesty between spouses. If that honesty isn't there, it isn't swinging, it's "fucking around." Conversely, if a partner is cheating, honesty is not there; ergo, the activity is not "swinging."

Of course it is possible to do anything outside the rules. We played for years with a couple whom we thought had a perfect relationship. She "fell in love" with another man, cheated and was discovered. The result? An end to a 28 year marriage and an end to swinging for them.

We, too, have been approached by people, mostly men, wanting to play without a spouse's knowledge. Sorry, that's not swinging.
Alura

Originally posted by Alura:
....We, too, have been approached by people, mostly men, wanting to play without a spouse's knowledge. Sorry, that's not swinging.
Alura

No appologies needed here, we don't swing with others of this nature. And yes, so far, they were males in our cases.

In any case, everyone has their own definitions of "swinging", etc....Call it what you will, but I say, it's still CHEATING either way, which is not "impossible" to do in the lifestyle...*Shrugs shoulders* And it happens, sadly to say...


Wife of CyberMWCouple

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by Alura:


We, too, have been approached by people, mostly men, wanting to play without a spouse's knowledge. Sorry, that's not swinging.
Alura

Not sure if you realize it, but you're agreeing with much of what has been posted to you on this subject. The cheating men are indeed playing outside the rules, which is what we're talking about here. It's up to you two to determine (if you wish to) if the other guy is doing this behind his wife's back, and if so, whether or not you want to aid and abet his activities. Personally, we wouldn't think of it, but to each his/her own.

I doubt anyone posting here would approve of someone cheating on their spouse. My wife Janette and I have a standing agreement that, in the event one of us begin to have "improper" feelings for a swing partner, they immediately tell the other and we cease and desist from engaging with that couple ever again. Neither of us are going to throw away a 23 year marriage over recreational sex.

Dan

Thats what scares me. What if one of us ever did begin to have feelings for someone else? Would we be able to "just walk away" knowing these feelings exsit. At least with us not being married we don't have all those complications and distrubution that divorse brings. Thats what scares me so. Why marry? We swap, are committed and have fun.
Where you guys swamping before you got married, or did you start after? Was it more helpful to start after? Did you feel guilty at first?

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by wondering:
Thats what scares me. What if one of us ever did begin to have feelings for someone else? Would we be able to "just walk away" knowing these feelings exsit. At least with us not being married we don't have all those complications and distrubution that divorse brings. Thats what scares me so. Why marry? We swap, are committed and have fun.
Where you guys swamping before you got married, or did you start after? Was it more helpful to start after? Did you feel guilty at first?

First of all, almost everyone who enters into this lifestyle, does so with some measure of fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of somehow embarrassing yourself, generally fear of the unknown, engaging for the first time in a physically intimate activity with your life partner.

You've touched on several issues. You asked, "why marry"? Simple, you love each other and want to spend your entire lives together. You say you're committed to each other now, and you swap. Why should marriage preclude any more swapping for you two?

No couple should enter into a marriage worried about what complications a future divorce would bring. Not if you truly believe in yourselves as a couple. If you love each other, you're most of the way there.

We began swapping two years ago, after 21 years of marriage. We'd talked about it for several years previously, but my wife felt insecure in regards to her weight, whether or not she'd be accepted by other people in the lifestyle. She lost a significant amount of weight, and was then confident enough to try swinging. We've never felt guilty per say, but in the beginning there was a feeling of doing something a bit forbidden, something we knew was frowned upon by society in general. There's still that inkling of being a bit naughty now that we've got some experience under our belts, but it only adds to the allure for us.

One more point, about having 'feelings' for others in this. If you're both strong enough to be a committed couple engaged in swinging, you have to be honest enough with yourselves to admit when either of you cross paths with an individual with whom there's an emotional attraction. We're all human, these feelings can and do occur. You just have to keep your priorities straight and have the strenght to turn down encounters that could endanger your marriage or other committed relationship. It's never happened to us yet, but if it does, I have all the confidence we'll make the right choice.

Dan

[MiCpl]

Originally posted by wondering:
Thats what scares me. What if one of us ever did begin to have feelings for someone else? Would we be able to "just walk away" knowing these feelings exsit. At least with us not being married we don't have all those complications and distrubution that divorse brings. Thats what scares me so. Why marry? We swap, are committed and have fun.
Where you guys swamping before you got married, or did you start after? Was it more helpful to start after? Did you feel guilty at first?

The last thing on your mind if you are getting married is divorce. If that thought is even in your head don't bother... that's why there are so many divorces nowadays.. too many people getting married thinking that if it doesn't work out they can just get a divorce. Marriage is forever. The reason to get married is because you love that person enough to stay committed to them for the rest of your lives.

Personally, before I got married I had a hard time with the idea of swinging.. but at the same time I was very promiscuous.. couldn't stay faithful no matter how hard I tried. I had friends who were swingers and I just thought that was wrong.. that when you found the person you were meant to be with you didn't do that.. and that when I found that person my desires to be with someone else sexually (which was all it ever was anyway) would go away. I found that person and they didn't go away. I committed myself and had every intention of being faithful but I didn't have to be.. swinging came up early for us, not long after we got married and it's something that works for us. Yes it makes our marriage stronger, it keeps us more honest with each other. There's never any worries about the other one looking at someone walking by or having desires or cheating. Why should we cheat when we know that we can tell each other everything we do?

That may not be the case for you tho.. if you are so worried about the "what if's" then you probably have more making you wonder than just the idea that you might find someone else.. and if you are even thinking that you might find someone else better then you probably will.. because in the back of your mind you are looking for someone else.

S&J

I agree with CanadianCouple & MiCpl with their last comments to wondering....These are ALL good points that they touched upon!

It sounds to me, that your current swing partner is committed to your relationship, and you're not. Therefore, you're not ready for any lifetime committments with him, and you need to be truthful about any concerns you have regarding this dilema of marriage & swinging to/with him (if you aren't already).

Bottomline, you want to continue swinging, but withOUT any commitments with your current partner, because (like MiCpl said) in the back of your mind you are looking for someone else.

Hope everything works out for the both of you, and good luck!


Wife of CyberMWCouple