Falling in love w/female half of our best swing friend

[Thomas333]

Hi there,
I have got a major problem and I don´t know to whom I can talk to, so I hope I will get the right direction from you guys. Here the situation.
I am 27 and my wife 26 years old, married since 2000 and we do know each other for over 8 years now and yes I love her very much.
In 2002 I met a girl (Susan) and from the very first day on we had a very good friend-relationship. She introduced us two to her boyfriend and after a few months all 4 of us become very close friends. At least we like each other very much but my relationship to Susan is every time a inch closer then to her hubby (already married). I just want to underline that we (4) are not into swinging.
And after talking to my wife she is also not into swinging. Poor me but what can I do... ..anyway.
Since one month I´m really crushed into Susan.....I know it sounds weird and it is more the teenager-stuff but we talked about everything and I felt that comfortable with her that I wanted to kiss her......I didn´t.
I am confused now.
1. I do love my wife.
2. I´m "crushed" into Susan.
3. Susan is my very best friend.

Now comes my question: Should I commit to Susan that I do like her alot like "I love you"? or should I respect her as a best-friend and erase my (sexual) feelings to her. She´s the one who told me that she loves me in a platonic way. (Sorry for bad translation) It´s hard for me to explain myself in an other language but I have noone to talk to. Please help.

Best regards

Thomas333

[Ofrdcple]

This sounds like a train wreck on the way. Decide how much you value your wife and marriage. If you want to continue your marriage, separate from the other woman. This has nothing to do with swinging by the way. Good luck.

[Thomas333]

Thanks for the answer. Of course this is not a swinging subject at all. But to whom else should I talk to about my problem?
My wife won´t be that happy to listen to me and on the other hand I don´t want to loose a very good friend by telling her that I love her............
I somehow need to oversleep the situation at all and sort myself out......

[curiouscouple4f]

I think that the first person you need to speak with is not this friend, but your wife. Telling her and discussing your feelings with her first will prevent or minimize your impending "train-wreck". If you tell this other woman you "love her", what if she runs to your wife? You know she does not love you in return the same way, so... your options are tell your wife and work it out, tell the other lady and possibly make things very uncomfortable for her and have your wife find out second hand, or bury your feelings and just minimize the contact you have with her. If anyone else with experience will add advice i'd appreciate it. I'd be much happier with my husband if he came to me to discuss it first, I'd feel he was open, honest and trusting of our relationship.

"The Mrs."

[Chicup]

I have to wonder why people come to swingers, to ask us about basic relationship advice.

Now while I think my wife and I are 'normal' what we view as 'no big deal' is in fact a big big deal to most couples. Some on this board are even more 'different' than average in our views on sex in marriage.

You are not into swinging but you come here for advice on your marriage because you are falling for another woman?

What are you asking? Should you cheat on your wife? Should you try to end your marriage to be with this woman?

So you have a crush on some other woman, if you value your marriage stay away from her until the crush passes.

[EternallySingle]

If the other woman told you she only sees you as a platonic friend, you need to stop thinking of her as someone you might have sex with. You are excited that another woman likes you a lot, and that has turned into a sexual desire for her. Thats natural. You just have to remember that she is just a friend and not let yourself become more attached to her. Talking things over with your wife will help you get over your feelings for the other woman. That will make you feel less guilty.

[Thomas333]

@ curiouscouple4f Mrs.: To talk to my wife would be possibly the best thing to do. I somehow feel that the discussions with my wife flow away....

@ Chicup: Well, due to my less-postings in this forum.....I used to swing with my ex-gf some 9 years ago. About one year I spoke to my wife about swinging and she never said "no" or "never" to this subject. Some weeks ago, two attractive women came "to close" to me (no sex) in my wifes eye and after that she said that she couldn´t handle the situation/swinging. It´s a turn on for her in fantasy but not in real life.
I barely can not stay away from this other women. Her hubby and I are working together in my house and the rest of the time my wife and her are spending together their freetime.......

@ EternallySingle: I better strictly split my feelings towards sexual feelings. I really like her alot but I don´t think it will go any further from my end.
Well, my wife already knows that I do like her very much......but calling it love will be to much for her. So I leave this part out and keep it as a secrect until the crushing-time is over. And yes I still feel very quilty.....I hope time will heal.
Thank you all for your answers!

Best regards

Thomas333

[kittylikesmfm]

lol..this is smacking of ole pastor to me.

[joenmichelle]

well if she has made it clear she loves you in a platonic way leave it at that not being mean but love comes in many ways i love my wife one way i love my kids another and yes i love my friends in a completley different way if that makes sence
if she has said platonic well i would stick with it that way unless you and your wife are comfortable with swinging and are secure enough in your relationship... if that makes sence
hope i helped some
Hugs Joe

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I have to wonder why people come to swingers, to ask us about basic relationship advice.

Well, if the intentions are sincere, I think swingers should be pretty pleased that someone would think to come to them for relationship advice! It is kinda our specialty.

Thomas333, I'd suggest that you do your best to avoid this woman until things cool off. I understand that an infatuation can be very powerful in its persuasion, but for the sake of your marriage, let the head rule here, not the heart (or the little head)! One thing you said that concerns me is that you considered Susan your best friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought your spouse should be your best friend.

A few other things:
Your friend Susan said she loved you "platonically". This might mean two things. One, that she really does only see you as a friend and that she's not interested in anything more, or two, she would like to pursue a romantic relationship with you but doesn't want to be the one to blame for screwing up her own marriage...so she's waiting for you to press the issue and be the bad guy. Either way, pursuing this relationship with her without your wife's and her husband's blessings is just NOT a good idea!

#2, This whole situation begs the question: Is there something missing between you and your wife that is causing you to choose someone else over her? If you are not choosing Susan OVER her, but would simply like to have (and feel you can handle) both relationships simultaneously, then you should be trying a polyamory board, not a swingers board. These feelings you have are perhaps more in line with that philosophy.

#3, Your wife had one bad experience with jealousy, seeing you with the other woman/women. Don't give up on exploring swinging with her so hastily. She said at that point she was NOT interested, period. But jealousy is a nasty thing and it does hurt a lot when it bites you. Try finding other ways to explore swinging with your wife that might introduce her more gently to it, and make sure you both talk about why she reacted the way she did, and what deeper feelings might be causing these jealous feelings. Do a search here on the board for 'jealousy' and see what comes up. Lots of great advice here.

Hope this helps some. Good luck!

[Tterrific]

Dito

And for chicup's thought...........
Having recently gotten out of a LTR, I cannot help but wonder if a different end might have resulted if I had done as well as most on this board do so well.....Communicated .

I have learned mega knowledge about relationships from this board.
Consider that a very big compliment to yourself and the many other fine folks that I have read so much about.

Thank you all,
T

[Edison Carter]

Pat yourself on the head and say,"Isn't this crush a cute little thing my
mind is doing to me," and go home and spoil your wife and screw like mad
minks in March.

[Thomas333]

hi all!!
I thank you all for the answers......I hope that I sorted out myself with my feelings but on other hands it´s really hard for me.
It´s a totally new feelings-world which I never had before. I hope I can manage it somehow to control myself and not to fall over all the imaginary traps....
I´m still not comfortable with it but life must go on.

Best regards

Thomas333