Have fallen in love with a swing partner

What do you do when you've had a MFM with a good friend and you're falling head over heels in love with him, and he is in love with you too? My husband knows about it and has said that if i need to leave, I need to leave...(he is pretty passive agressive, and doesn't have very good self-esteem) but neither of us wants that parting to happen because we still love eachother, and have a child together. I could see myself having a very satisfying life with this other man, but I don't want to have the stigma of divorce sitting over my head....besides, like I said before, I love my husband still.
Anyone have any ideas? I just feel so confused, and my emotions are playing tricks with me. One minute, I'm satisfied having a "just friends" relationship with this other guy, leaving all that "could have been" in the dust. Other times, I am so enveloped by thoughts of him, how he touched me, how he treats me (like an angel), I can't even think straight. I've thought of counseling because I have thought of leaving my husband...but i think it would be hard to find someone who was familiar with this kind of situation. Thanks for any advice given. I feel really guilty.

[Vespertine]

Regardless if the counselor is familiar or excepting of a swinging relationship.... You & hubby NEED to go to one.

You need to end any, and all, contact with this other male. You can't even continue a friendship or internet/phone contact with him. You need to make a clean break if you're serious about saving your marriage. Any contact will cloud your judgement and make reconnecting with your husband even more difficult.

NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

If you have a good marriage and strong relationship with your husband, you wouldn't be falling in love. Perhaps you could fall in lust, but not love. Something's lacking in your primary relationship with your husband if you're looking to another man to satisfy emotional needs. You both need to find out what it is and work hard to repair it. You need to be brutally honest with eachother. You say you still love him. You need to fall in love with him again. With work, those feelings will come back.

Good luck, let us know how things work out.

[BiDrywallChick]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

If you have a good marriage and strong relationship with your husband, you wouldn't be falling in love. Perhaps you could fall in lust, but not love.

I totally agree with Ves on this one. Let me add a few of my thoughts, in general.

It is also probable that you have your rose colored glass on when you are looking at the other man. You see your husband when no one else can. You are the one who gets the raw man. You get him when he is mad and happy.. when is he being an absolute ass and when he is the best thing since sliced bread. You have to deal with his sparkling personality and he has to deal with yours. All of that is real life marriages. On the other side, you have your friend. He is showing you his best. He is talking to you about all the things he does, his wants.. his desires.. but you dont see him behind closed doors.. You dont see him picking his belly button lint or drinking soda right out of the bottle and putting it back in the fridge. Too often in a marriage, we forget all the things that we came to love about our spouse and focus on the negatives that get on our last nerves. We see someone who throws their underwear in the general area of the laundry basket instead of seeing someone who is just so tired that they want to lay down and sleep for days. They saying goes something like " the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." You jump over and find out that there are just as many weeds on this side as the one you were on before.

Here is the bluntness that tends not to make me any more friends.. You need to get your priorities in order. If you truely love your husband, you need to stop seeing the other man and get into counseling. There are plenty of marriage counselors that can help with an unbiased nonjudgemental opinion. There is more going on here than you are letting on. Secondly, you said that your husband said that if you need to leave, then leave and that he is passive aggressive.. Perhaps that is his way of dealing with what he may feel is the end of his relationship with the woman he loves. Sounds like he is throwing in the towel so to speak to try and make it easier for you to make up your mind. You didnt fall in "love" with the other man overnight. So, your husband saw you changing, withdrawing from him emotionally and didnt stop you from turning you back on your relationship with him. Men tend to try to be strong and not let on when something hurts like this. Place yourself in his shoes.. what would you do? Like I said.. just my blunt take on things.

If you truely love your husband, leave you lust for the other man at the door and start working on what is left of your relationship. There is no such thing as being too late to find your mate again. Think back to what has been going on in your relationship before you began seeing the other man. What was stressing both you and your husband? What was the main arguments? The relationship with the other man was not the begining of when things were changing in your relationship. It was just the catalyst... the stepping stone.. better yet.. the excuse for what has happened. Again.. just my horridly blunt opinion based on what i drew from your post.

[twoplayful2]

Originally Posted by SoftScorpio

My husband knows about it and has said that if i need to leave, I need to leave...(he is pretty passive agressive, and doesn't have very good self-esteem) but neither of us wants that parting to happen because we still love eachother, and have a child together. I could see myself having a very satisfying life with this other man, but I don't want to have the stigma of divorce sitting over my head....besides, like I said before, I love my husband still.

Don't want the stigma of divorce over your head? That's a weird way to put it, I'd think the "stigma" would be pretty far down the list of concerns. And that he seems so care-free considering that you're talking about potential divorce leads me to believe that you need some mariage counseling (wow, 2nd time I've suggested this today!). Forget the lifestyle and totally stay away from the other guy and work on your marriage. If you can't stay away from that guy then you're not being fair to your husband, marriage or your child because you're not giving things a fair chance. You shouldn't split up because you have strong feelings for someone else, you should split up because you don't have strong feelings for your husband. Right now it looks like you and your husband have some issues that are leading to some confusion so before immediately reacting to that you should give it some time, figure things out (with counseling) and go from there.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by SoftScorpio

What do you do when you've had a MFM with a good friend and you're falling head over heels in love with him, and he is in love with you too?

Anyone have any ideas? I just feel so confused, and my emotions are playing tricks with me. One minute, I'm satisfied having a "just friends" relationship with this other guy, leaving all that "could have been" in the dust. Other times, I am so enveloped by thoughts of him, how he touched me, how he treats me (like an angel), I can't even think straight.

I think that you're more infatuated than in love.

You've shared sex, passion and lust with each other. You're on one big high right now. Enjoy it as that, don't make the mistake of thinking you would leave your husband--who you say you still love--for another man who treats you "like an angel;" I'd bet at one time you used to say that about your husband. Time to slap yourself in the face, clear out the cobwebs, and start having some long talks with your husband about this sticky situation you're in.

Months from now you'll look back and realize this ordeal taught you so much about yourself, and brought you and your husband closer together.

Good luck.

LM

[imsnowman]

Good answers but also, you both might want to look into polyamory. A Google search will turn up many links

[meandher2go]

LM321 said it best

[intravox]

I other hand... what if he is your partner for life?

I met my wife in a similar situation, she was married, I loved her and she had a good (quotes) relationship with her husband (ex husband) and they had a baby girl.

Well, I found that I wouldn't find another woman like her in a million years, we decided to take the step forward (it wasn't easy) and now we have a wonderful life, and our girl is adorable!

This is my PERSONAL situation, this is not a recomendation, it is just to throw some light into this issue and show that we all have different experiences.

Good luck with your decision SoftScorpio

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by intravox

I met my wife in a similar situation, she was married, I loved her and she had a good (quotes) relationship with her husband (ex husband) and they had a baby girl.

Did you meet her in a swinging situation?

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

You need to end any, and all, contact with this other male. You can't even continue a friendship or internet/phone contact with him. You need to make a clean break if you're serious about saving your marriage... NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

Well Vespy sweetheart, we agree most of the time, but on this one I am going to take a different tack. I still love you though.

Hey SoftScoprio, don't beat yourself up on this one too much, and understand that while most of the advise given is well meaning to help you save your marriage, and that is good thing, you might still want to honor your VERY LEGITIMATE feelings. Let's just acknowledge that you are currently in love with two men, your hubby and your lover. Actually, that is quite natural or should I say not totally unnatural. You might be on the cusp of establishing a polyamorous relationship (often called a "angle" where you are the vertex of the extended relationship).

Here is what I am putting out to you to contemplate... WHAT IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!

Holy shit, isn't that the premise of what swinging is all about? What a friggin novel idea! (Okay, so maybe I need to back off on the sarcasm).

"Traditional" swingers subscribe to a subset of rules that put the primary pair bond relationship (and often formalized and legally recognized ancient institution we call "marriage") first and foremost above all others. While that works for some people, that does not mean it works for all or everyone.

Listen, if we let traditional societal strictures tell us the way things should be, swinging would be illegal and punishable by jail time, and gay people can forget about ever having a chance at getting gay marriage recognized.

So how about you think "outside of the box" (just like all us swingers like to profess we do so as to think we got something a step ahead of all our up-tight vertical friends) and contemplate the possiblity that you can keep your husband, still throughly enjoy and be in relationship with your lover, and continue to raise your child in a stable home? Let me put it another way, who said there had to be a damned rule that says you must dump hubby in order to be in relationship with the new lover?

Last point, if you go to marriage counseling or see a therapist (which I would suggest is something you totally do NOT need), be advised that by my estimates some 95+% of them have no idea how to handle non-traditional relationship issues and would probably come from a place of judgment far more screwed up than where you presently stand.

You have all our love and support SoftScorpio,
RND

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by RNDNV

Here is what I am putting out to you to contemplate... WHAT IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!

Holy shit, isn't that the premise of what swinging is all about? What a friggin novel idea! (Okay, so maybe I need to back off on the sarcasm).

"Traditional" swingers subscribe to a subset of rules that put the primary pair bond relationship (and often formalized and legally recognized ancient institution we call "marriage") first and foremost above all others. While that works for some people, that does not mean it works for all or everyone.

Listen, if we let traditional societal strictures tell us the way things should be, swinging would be illegal and punishable by jail time, and gay people can forget about ever having a chance at getting gay marriage recognized.

So how about you think "outside of the box" (just like all us swingers like to profess we do so as to think we got something a step ahead of all our up-tight vertical friends) and contemplate the possiblity that you can keep your husband, still throughly enjoy and be in relationship with your lover, and continue to raise your child in a stable home?

Last point, if you go to marriage counseling or see a therapist (which I would suggest is something you totally do NOT need), be advised that by my estimates some 95+% of them have no idea how to handle non-traditional relationship issues and would probably come from a place of judgment far more screwed up than where you presently stand.

Very well put, RNDNV!

Originally Posted by RNDNV

You have all our love and support SoftScorpio,

What a wonderful world, not to mention board, this would be if the above were truly the case. One can always hope...

[dingdong69]

I think couples in general shoudn't engage in swinging if they do not have strong relationship with each othe in the first place

[twoplayful2]

I think saying she's on the cusp of a polyamorous relationship is jumping the gun a bit. I believe most people aren't interested in being in such a relationship so I'd assume that neither guy is interested before I'd assume that they are, and I haven't read anything about them in her brief post to believe otherwise. I also find it amusing that the typical swinger who thinks they're a step above the rest of the population is still, I guess, a step below those who actually can think outside of the box, like I presume you can. I think that it's just possible that someone can be a free and open-minded thinker and still come to a more traditional conclusion. In this case I think it's perfectly reasonable to suggest that her feelings for the new guy might be heavily influenced by a relationship that has maybe grown a bit stale and isn't on solid ground. I think it's then also quite reasonable to suggest that she work on the marriage first and sort out her feelings there so she can make a level-headed decision about the other guy (and her marriage at the same time). I think even those already in polyamorous relationships would probably recommend to a married couple that they be on solid ground first before expanding their relationship to something like that.

[SluttyWife]

K! I've been there! Read my sad, SAD, story in the Interviews section. #3 or #4 I think.

PLEASE DON'T GO THERE! I promise you this..and that is that you most probably will regret it. Going on 5 years now and I'm STILL not over it. Put your new boyf in the background and get hubby back in the foreground pronto.

Slutty Wife ;-*

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by twoplayful2

I think saying she's on the cusp of a polyamorous relationship is jumping the gun a bit.

Absolutely, maybe and maybe not. The bulk of the earlier posts seem to be saying, "hey, you are screwed up in your thinking and you must dump (or put on the back burner, whatever that means) the boyfriend and concentrate on the husband. Well, I think that discounts her feelings toward the new man in her life. Temporal duration does not mean hubby has earned the right to be first in line for exclusive relationship consideration (if you even buy into this paradigm, which I obviously don't). Let me put it another way, I knew within one month that my wife was the gal for me for the rest of my life. I didn't need to overthink the situation, cohabitate with her for years, or even have sex with her to know that. Was I right, well I guess only time will tell, but so far its looking like a pretty damned good decision to me.

Now as far as them having a kid together, well now that is a different subject. Just by the nature of that choice, they have made a decision to share their lives for many years going forward, EVEN IF THEY DIVORCE, THEY WOULD HAVE TO SHARE THEIR LIVES FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CHILD. So in that regard, I do have different feelings, and they should do whatever it takes to preserve the primary bond relationship they have. Hubby and wife have chose to enter into this life, and now wife is in love with another man. My only suggestion is that hubby now gets to experience the possiblilty of sharing his wife in a greater capacity than initially contemplated, perhaps by either of them, if for anything to preserve his relationship and family. In otherwords, if husband says it has to be him or me, she just may choose him, when in reality what she really wants is both.

To a certain extent, I know what I propose is really out there, but take this into consideration: Husband can never give to wife what boyfriend can give to her because husband is NOT boyfriend. Just the same, boyfriend can NEVER give to wife what the husband can give her, because boyfriend is NOT the husband. I am not talking about their respective roles or sexual abilities, I am talking about them each being unique and special individuals with their own gifts, talents and emotions, and clearly, wife loves them both for who they are. They are NOT fungible and neither should be easily discarded in preference for the other. IMHO, SoftScorpio is simply capable of great love and loving more than one man at a time.

There is nothing wrong about that.