Ever had to quit seeing play partners for fear of too much emotions developing?

[Vantabulous]

We've all read threads about the painful circumstances of one member of a couple trying to deal with a spouse/SO who has become, or seems to have become, emotionally involved with a play partner.

I'm not looking to put anyone in the "trick bag" here, but I'm curious as to whether any of you has had to call it quits with another couple, or single for that matter, out of the concern that you might have been feeling more emotional involvement than you were comfortable with.

Van

[ALilOEverything]

Not at this point. We haven't seen one couple enough times to develop any of those kinds of feelings. The most amount of times we've played with any one couple is four and that's hasn't been enough for us to mix up emotions in the deal. We did play seperately with them once but I feel pretty confident that even though we felt close enough to do so we didn't have any deep feelings that made us feel like we'd better take a step back from them.

[Vantabulous]

How do you manage to separate the feelings? Mrs. Van and I don't even pretend to have inclinations toward swinging. Just isn't for us...fantasies aside.

I'm "open" to swinging where it involves other people. No "vanilla" backlash from me.

I just don't know how a man and woman - bear with me for those who swing differently... - can have the most intimate physical contact possible and get out of bed and say, "Wow, that was cool! Enjoy the Holidays!".

Van

[invisibletouch]

I had that problem Van, we started out by opening the marriage & swinging but found we are both more into polyamory than full blown swinging.
Neither of us has found that happy place were we can detach from those emotions coming into play.
I really wish we could detach but both of us have found we do enjoy having the emotions along with the sex-it works for us and our situation.
I would never suggest a polyamorous relationship for those that don't fully believe you can love more than one-each differently but none the less a strong emotional connection.

I've come to realize there's more 'styles' of swinging/open marriage/polyamory than I ever dreamed. It's whatever the two married people want their relationship to be that counts. We've been married for 30 1/2 yrs so we know what we want from our marriage.
For some just watching others is enough and then at the other end of the spectrum there's those like my hubby & I who have come to love(small l) and make some of our partners an important part of our lives.
No matter what level of play you enjoy, communication and honesty are paramount. Without openness, it can all go downhill real fast!

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Vantabulous

I just don't know how a man and woman - bear with me for those who swing differently... - can have the most intimate physical contact possible and get out of bed and say, "Wow, that was cool! Enjoy the Holidays!".

Van

I have found this very easy to do. I reserve all feelings and emotions for Laura. I am not out to want or have relationships with others.

This is about having fun. Some play golf, some bowl and some play cards. We like to have sex for fun and we keep it there.

We have become friends with some people that was have had "fun" with at times but we never set out looking to make any more of it then what it really is to us.

It is alot easier to do if you don't know their names too.

[lovefest04]

We have found that when we find someone that we have a really good time with, we want to do it again and again. So when do repeats equal a deeper love or connection? I don't know.

I have found myself concerned when my SO (her) wants to repeat with the same man over and over. HOwever, looking at it logically, I say "yea why wouldn't she", he was great and we had great sex and that's all there is too it. And it is.

I don't think I'm fooling myself by believing I'm her one and only life partner.

Emotionally, i get a little concerned. But then I tell myself that she isn't like a man. First off, she's not into one night stands, never was as a single woman nor is she now. Her having some connection is what allows her to let herself go, feel safe, comfortable and open. This, of course, leads to a better time for her and potentially the problem you brought up.

Finally, I am pleased that she can develop deep connections with others, sexual or otherwise. IMHO this is the meaning of life. Connecting with others, touching others in a way that is deep and important. I would expect her and I to do just that especially with the people we swing with. After all the people we swing with are usually great, have a lot in common with us, are open honest and truly great people. I just wish my business contacts were as nice to be around.

[intuition897]

I'm with VegasLee on this one: it's actually very easy to hop out of bed (with big smiles of course) and say thanks for the ride, hope we can do it again some time. This sounds harsh, but truly it's not. If the people we hop out of bed with are offended by this attitude, then they're not for us... and as you say, they're probably not meant for swinging. There's no disrespect or offense intended by this absence of emotional connection, and the only way someone might be hurt by that is if they haven't dissociated love from sex. We have completely. Sex is fun, recreational, and healthy. Love is something we use sex to convey to one another. You have friends, and then you have best friends, right? You tell your best friend absolutely everything and you're completely yourself. With other - less close - friends, you're somewhat more reserved, but you still love hanging out with them. They fulfill a different need: the need for outside social interaction. That's about it. These less-close friends are not offended by the fact that you don't confide every little thing to them; in fact they might feel their 'personal space' is being infringed upon if you did. This extends to a swinging situation. We're not polyamorists; love is love and sex is sex.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Vantabulous

I'm not looking to put anyone in the "trick bag" here, but I'm curious as to whether any of you has had to call it quits with another couple, or single for that matter, out of the concern that you might have been feeling more emotional involvement than you were comfortable with.

Van

Not so far.

Originally Posted by Vantabulous

How do you manage to separate the feelings? Mrs. Van and I don't even pretend to have inclinations toward swinging. Just isn't for us...fantasies aside.

I'm "open" to swinging where it involves other people. No "vanilla" backlash from me.

I just don't know how a man and woman - bear with me for those who swing differently... - can have the most intimate physical contact possible and get out of bed and say, "Wow, that was cool! Enjoy the Holidays!".

I think it is because we have the ability to separate sex and love. Or even sex with a someone besides your spouse, and sex with someone you love, such as your spouse. For me sex with swinging partners is just like one night stands when I was single. We both knew it was nothing more than just sex and it was fun. Like having a "fuck-buddy". I had friends that were girls that we would get together once in a while for nothing more than going out and then going back to one of our places and having sex.

Believe me, getting down with my wife is completely different than with a playmate. It truly is soul-sex.

But that said, some people can not have sex without some kind of emotional involvement. That's not wrong, just different from me.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

In Swinging, everything seems to change weekly. (Our experience anyway.)

As time goes by and we both realize and accept the fact that we are so in love with each other, it seems to be less of a concern. I see this lifestyle as such a perfect means to explore your sexuality, that I can't dwell on the fact that bad things like this can happen. We actually look for those that can have more than a superficial sexual relationship with us even if we don't want to see them toooo regularly. That statement in itself is suspicious because why would we entertain communicating with someone who doesn't want to really get to know us? That is how trust is built.

Male D

From WesternSwing: "I think it is because we have the ability to separate sex and love..."

Major key factor...Thanks.

[curiousagain]

There is a difference between a one night stand, a FB, a FWB, and a Lover.

Swinging is a big tent with a lot of different booths under it. There's room for all variations and to each his own.

[beaverz]

Mrs. Beaverz and I had long talk over the weekend about swinging and what we would be interest in. I think the issue that Van brings up is something we want to make sure doesn’t happen and that’s why we would not be interested in developing long term relationships. We both felt very strongly that we would only be interest in swinging just for the sex and that’s it.

Mr. Beaverz

[findtime]

That's our perspective too.

We've had experiences with couples as well as experiences with groups. The group setting is a lot more fun, impersonal and.....talk about variety. facelick

We get all the emotional satisfaction we need from each other. Swinging, for us, is all about the sex.

[twoplayful2]

I don't even understand how someone can't understand how it's possible to just say thanks and part ways. I'm not positive I'd want us in a relationship where we're like best friends with the same people we're swinging with, but that's a point we don't have to reach unless we want to. Really, we've got each other and the rest of our family and busy lives, we just don't have time to get too involved with another couple. But we do have a good time and part ways when done, sometimes after having had clicked quite well with them. It feels good, like we were just partying with friends and had a great night out. If I was worried that my wife and someone she really wouldnt be spending that much time with would develop feelings for each other similar to what my wife and I share after years of being together, I think there would be something wrong with our relationship anyway that it was so easy to duplicate those feelings.

Originally Posted by Vantabulous

I just don't know how a man and woman - bear with me for those who swing differently... - can have the most intimate physical contact possible and get out of bed and say, "Wow, that was cool! Enjoy the Holidays!".
Van

That's EXACTLY how we do it. It is really rather simple. There is a difference between making love and having sex. For us it is easy to seperate the two. Swinging is about having fun. Once others try to drag more into it than that we move on.

[DBL D]

I keep screwing up and giving the wrong (perhaps) impression of what we want. We haven't yet entertained here at home probably because the house needs paint and because we aren't ready to cross that border of actually having someone in our house. We will go to someone elses house so go figure.

So much of this comes down to how one feels. We all have our antennae set on high and are affected by anything that doesn't seem right. You have to be able to have a great time with someone and not feel like you want to see them everyday for the next week and a half. It's a tight balancing act but with practice it can be done.

Male D